Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs

By Dave Barry

The humorist asked his readers to share their least favorite tunes and chronicles the hilarious responses.

When funnyman Dave Barry asked readers about their least favorite tunes, he thought he was penning just another installment of his weekly syndicated humor column. But the witty writer was flabbergasted by the response when over 10,000 readers voted. “I have never written a column that got a bigger response than the one announcing the Bad Song Survey,” Barry wrote.

Based on the results of the survey, Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs is a compilation of some of the worst songs ever written. Dave Barry fans will relish his quirky take. Music buffs too will appreciate this humorous stroll through the world’s worst lyrics. The only thing wrong with this book is that readers will find themselves unable to stop mentally singing the greatest hits of Gary Puckett.

Praise for Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs

“Barry is his usual puckish self, but the real surprise here is how funny many of the survey respondents are.” —Kirkus Reviews

“Who can resist such a book?” —Publishers Weekly

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Nov 6, 2012
• ISBN: 9781449437589

Dave Barry

Dave Barry is the author of more bestsellers than you can count on two hands, including Lessons from Lucy, Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys, Dave Barry Turns Forty, and Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up. A wildly popular syndicated columnist best known for his booger jokes, Barry won the 1988 Pulitzer Prize for commentary. He lives in Miami.

Book preview

img_cover.jpgimg_0001.jpgimg_0002.jpg

This book is dedicated To whoever put the bomp In the bomp ba-bomp ba-bomp

Wo wo wo

Feelings

MORRIS ALBERT

Wo wo wo wo

My Love

PAUL MCCARTNEY

Wo-o-o-o-o-o-o

What’s New Pussycat

AS SUNG BY TOM JONES

"I said na

Na na na na

Na na na na

Na na na

Na na na

Na na na na"

Land of 1,000 Dances

Cannibal and the Headhunters

Contents

Cover

Half Title

Title Page

Dedication

Wo wo wo

I said na

Warning

Introduction

Bad Song Survey Results

Weenie Music

Love Songs

Songs Women Really Hate

Teen Death Songs

Songs People Get Wrong

Conclusion

Credits

Copyrights

WARNING!

Do not read this book. It will put bad songs into your brain.

Actually, that statement is not quite accurate: The bad songs are already in your brain. Your brain has an amazing capacity to remember bad songs. This is because of the way your brain assigns memory priority, as shown in this chart:

So I can guarantee you that many, if not most, of the bad songs discussed in this book are already festering somewhere in your brain. The good news is, most of the time these songs are dormant. The bad news is, every now and then something will wake one of the songs up, and you will have a hard time making it go back to sleep.

For example, you’ll be enjoying a pleasant day at home, reading a book, when suddenly somebody—perhaps a trusted family member—will, out of the clear blue, hum just a few notes of the song (I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden. Since this is a song that you have detested from the first instant you heard it, your brain has assigned it a prime memory location. The song immediately wakes up and starts echoing in your skull so that no matter how hard you try to focus on your book, all you can hear is that woman’s smarmy voice singing

I beg your PARdon...

I never promised you a ROSE garden!

And since this is the only part of the song your brain remembers, it repeats it over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER, sometimes for days, until you want to commit suicide by driving off a cliff, except you can’t remember where you left your car keys.

That is the danger posed by this book. This book lists dozens and dozens of songs that are so bad they make (I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden sound, in terms of musical quality, like The Messiah.³ If you keep reading, you’re going to have all kinds of bad songs waking up and creeping around inside your brain, refusing to die, just like the corpses in the movie The Night of the Living Dead, except all the corpses did was eat innocent civilians, which is not nearly as bad as causing innocent civilians to hum A Horse with No Name.

You may ask: Dave, if this book is such a bad thing, why on Earth should I buy it? What can I do with a book that I’m not supposed to read?

The answer is: You can give it to somebody you don’t like. This book is an extremely powerful psychological weapon; it can immobilize even the most powerful intellect.

Suppose you’re a candidate for a big promotion, but the other candidate is a coworker who happens to be very smart. All you have to do is surreptitiously leave this book on his desk (after first tearing out this warning section). After he reads just a few pages, he will have the brain functionality of an ashtray. He’ll be staring at important work papers, trying desperately to read and comprehend them, but he will be unable to do this because he will hear Gary Puckett’s voice inside his brain, howling:

YOUNG girl, get out of my mind!

My love for you is way out of line!

His career will be over. The end will come when he tries to make an important presentation, and he blurts out, in front of the corporation’s top-ranking officers, that he is too sexy for his shirt.

That is the kind of weapon this book is; that is the power it has. Use it wisely.

And whatever you do, don’t turn the next page.

img_0003.jpg

I’m Really

Serious.

Do

Reviews for Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs

[dee · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Hilarious! I've always been a fan of his. It also is a quick read!

[nderdog · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A great book, if you aren't prone to getting bad songs stuck in your head. It's a lot of fun to hear tales of songs that are supposedly popular that people really can't stand.

[luvs_2_read · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Run, don't walk, to get this book. Despite Dave's warnings at the beginning of the book (DO NOT TURN THIS PAGE!!), read it. Ignore everyone who looks at you as though you are losing your mind as you laugh out loud every few seconds. Chase down those folks who are trying to escape you as you HAVE to read one paragraph after another out loud to them so they can see what you're laughing about!Then try to get those songs out of your head. Those awful, horrible songs you perpetually keep buried in the deep dark recesses of your subconscious because it just HURTS to much to think about them - and once you think about them they go 'round and 'round and 'round in your head for days on end! ("Songs she sang to me, songs she brang to me...")Says Dave, "I've never written a column that got a bigger response than the one announcing the Bad Song Survey. More than ten thousand readers voted..." This little book is the result. Dave (and his readers/survey respondents) rip up Weenie Music, Love Songs, Songs Women Really Hate, Teen Death Songs, and, ultimately, Songs People Get Wrong. I DARE you to read this and NOT laugh!I DARE you to read this and listen to "Help Me Rhonda" without hearing "owls pukin' in (your) bed"!!!!

[merrymary_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I laughed until I cried. I am, apparently, of a similar vintage to Mr. Barry, and grew up with the same songs. While I don't hate all of his listings, I quite understand others' loathing of the songs that were sang to me, songs that were brang to me.

[casualfriday_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Hilarious book. You probably need to be a baby boomer, and thus remember all the crappy songs, to fully appreciate it.

[bookwormteri · Rating: 1 out of 5 stars]

Dave Barry is amusing, this book is not.

[tloeffler_3 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

One of the funniest books I've ever read.

[jillrhudy · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

For all the songs Neil Diamond "brang" to us. . . for the chair that did not or would not hear poor Neil in "I Am, I Said," and every other song or lyric you've ever loathed--including my personal rip-out-the-radio anthem, "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow. From the weird ones, like "Muskrat Love" and "MacArthur Park," to breakup sobfests like "All By Myself"; from teen-death ditties to all the girls Willie Nelson's loved before, if there are any songs that you would honest-to-God pay cold cash never to hear again, betcha Dave has covered them in this great little book in his inimitable style.

[lorsomething · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!!