The Abyss of the Tortured Self: Narcissism and the Loss of the Other

By Barry Pomeroy

This analysis of narcissism and the resultant breakdown of relationships begins with a working definition, includes the myth of Narcissus, as well as its more relevant implications, and makes a detour into the history of narcissism’s presentation on American television. Beginning with television’s profound penetration into the American home, the project then details the shifting face of narcissism until reality television and the construction of the reality TV celebrity brought the viewing audience into contemporaneous times.
Once the narrative is thoroughly awash with celebrities, a brief foray into Sigmund Freud’s description of the Superego, Ego, and Id, and the startling findings of those who work with split brain patients, shows the implications both structures hold for an evaluation of narcissism.
The case study which shortly takes over the text follows a relationship from its inception to its end, details the signs of narcissism along the way, such as prostitution, extra-marital affairs, hypochondria, mendaciousness, and greed, and provides a context for those interpretations. Some time is also spent on the fellow inhabitants of the narcissist’s space, those enablers who provide the safe harbour from which the narcissist may venture forth to have a place in this story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barry Pomeroy
• Release date: Apr 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9781990314124

Barry Pomeroy

Barry Pomeroy is a Canadian novelist, short story writer, academic, essayist, travel writer, and editor. He is primarily interested in science fiction, speculative science fiction, dystopian and post-apocalyptic fiction, although he has also written travelogues, poetry, book-length academic treatments, and more literary novels. His other interests range from astrophysics to materials science, from child-rearing to construction, from cognitive therapy to paleoanthropology.

Book preview

The Abyss of the Tortured Self

Narcissism and the Loss of the Other

by

Barry Pomeroy

This analysis of narcissism and the resultant breakdown of relationships begins with a working definition, includes the myth of Narcissus, as well as its more relevant implications, and makes a detour into the history of narcissism’s presentation on American television. Beginning with television’s profound penetration into the American home, the project then details the shifting face of narcissism until reality television and the construction of the reality TV celebrity brought the viewing audience into contemporaneous times.

Once the narrative is thoroughly awash with celebrities, a brief foray into Sigmund Freud’s description of the Superego, Ego, and Id, and the startling findings of those who work with split brain patients, shows the implications both structures hold for an evaluation of narcissism.

The case study which shortly takes over the text follows a relationship from its inception to its end, details the signs of narcissism along the way, such as prostitution, extra-marital affairs, hypochondria, mendaciousness, and greed, and provides a context for those interpretations. Some time is also spent on the fellow inhabitants of the narcissist’s space, those enablers who provide the safe harbour from which the narcissist may venture forth to have a place in this story.

© 2022 by Barry Pomeroy

All rights reserved. Copyright under Berne Copyright Convention, Universal Copyright Convention, and Pan-American Copyright Convention. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission of the author, although people generally do what they please.

For more information about my books, go to barrypomeroy.com

ISBN 13: 978-1990314124

ISBN 10: 1990314120

Table of Contents

Introduction

Narcissus

The Changing Face of Narcissism in Television

Ghost Ships

Freud’s Id, Ego, and Superego and Split Brain Epilepsy

The Case Study

Meeting in Childhood

The University Years

Prostitution

His Last Wife

Hypochondria

Leaving or Extra-Marital Affairs

Kim’s Selfishness

The Movement of Money

Others are Invisible

Testing the Promise

The Documentary and Public Shaming

Evading Responsibility and Lying

Damage Done

Paying for a House

The Christmas Debacle

Conclusion

Appendix 1: Narcissistic Personality Inventory

Works Cited

Notes

Are we all living like this?

Two lives, the ideal outer life

and the inner imaginative life

where we keep our secrets?

Jeanette Winterson – Sexing the Cherry

Introduction

In some ways this story is both easy and difficult to tell. I remember each incident vividly, although granted from my own point of view; I remember the hurt and betrayal implied by a decades-long growth in awareness that my narcissist friend didn’t really care about me, but I cannot help but question my own reasons for telling the tale. Has the betrayal turned from a small tumour into a malignant anger, which does more to destroy the teller than it does to examine the effects of narcissism on a life-long friendship? I don’t have a good answer to that, and instead, I have the barest beginning of a story about a narcissistic friend whose betrayals became more profound the better I knew him and a worry that I am merely airing petty grievances by wrapping them in the comforting blanket of study and analysis. I have changed names and places to protect the guilty, I have excised portions of the tale which are too prurient for this study, but I have not turned away from this story as I have turned away from others.

Narcissism is more common than we think; I have known more than a few people who seem only to consider themselves in a social situation. Many studying the disorder point to the incidence of comorbidities, and I have come to think of most mental disorders as primarily narcissistic, since they are predicated so much on the importance of the self. For instance, it would have been difficult for Howard Hughes—with his extreme Obsessive Compulsive Disorder about germs—to worry about scrubbing tins before opening them for his meal if he were concerned about the many millions who went hungry in his own country. Instead, he thought only about his own wishes and needs.

One of the most pernicious aspects of mental illness is the inability to recognize the symptoms, even if the person who suffers from mental illness can acknowledge their plight. My friend told me about her brother who refused medication because it messed with his mind. She expressed her dismay by saying, He needs his mind messed with. Even if the person with mental illness can admit their situation, they somehow avoid using that most salient information to evaluate their own behaviour and ideation. If this choice only affected the narcissist, their loved ones would be more comfortable with the oversight, but as it is, their inability to consider anyone besides themselves combines with their self-concern until they are inconveniencing everyone around them.

The narcissist who fears death, for instance, who nightly tries to hold themselves back from driving to the hospital, is certainly not thinking about the family member holding their hand while they needlessly worry about their own mortality. In fact, they are not thinking about anyone else at all. If they were to take a wider perspective, they would realize that their death—although an overwhelming calamity in their own life—has no more than a passing interest for the world: Narcissism is the essence of all severe psychic pathology. For the narcissistically involved person, there is only one reality: that of his own thought processes, feelings and needs. The world outside is not experienced or perceived objectively, i.e., as existing in its own terms, conditions and needs (Fromm in Kellner 74). Only someone with a psychological disorder would think the world revolves around their likes and dislikes, and only someone with such a disorder would worry about themselves more than a person they are not capable of loving.¹

This in itself is not that unusual, especially given the various ways that people think about what love might be. Not everyone defines it as such an overwhelming consideration for another, for instance. I offer the example of Meerna’s quite shallow love for Silvio. Meerna and Silvio had been close friends for five years by the point that Meerna suddenly disappeared from his life. Silvio had no idea, and I was as surprised as him when Meerna stopped answering his calls.

I guessed that they’d had an argument over something and that she was angry. While Silvio tormented himself with what he had done, Meerna was unperturbed. She was deliberately avoiding him although she wouldn’t say why. When I saw her she would just say she’d realized something that was too humiliating to admit. I told her about how he felt terrible and was racking his memory for how he was at fault. She merely said her secret was too embarrassing. I didn’t know the reason so I had little comfort to offer when Silvio wondered if he’d made a joke that she misunderstood or whether he’d been offensive.

Meerna and I didn’t constantly talk about the topic, but as Silvio continued to suffer I began to ask her to tell me just so I would know. Although it was embarrassing, she finally confessed that she was in love with him. The relationship could go nowhere because he was married, so to save her own feelings she had decided to cut all contact. I was asked not to tell him, and it was another six months or so before she buckled to my demands. I told her that Silvio felt like he’d done something and that he was to blame. The argument which finally had some sway over her was the fact that she would never see him again and therefore would be spared the humiliation. Also, I told her that her love wasn’t worth having if that was her idea about how to treat someone she loved.

If you really loved him, the hurt he’s feeling would be at least as important as yours. You wouldn’t care about your own shame; if you loved him then you would want to put his mind at ease. Either you don’t love him at all or your love is worth nothing.

She was angry at what I said, but she finally she gave in and told me I could tell him. I’ll never see him again so it doesn’t matter I guess. So you tell him, but I don’t want to be involved.

I told him that Meerna found it hard to be around him because of how she felt. Silvio cringed and lost a few inches in height. I was afraid of that. It was one of the possibilities I didn’t want to admit. We discussed the matter, and how her suspicions were correct. For Silvio she’d never been more than a friend. He waxed nostalgic about the great times they’d had, and how much fun they could still have had if she hadn’t ruined it.

In retrospect I think she ruined the relationship in at least two ways. She cut him off to save her own feelings, which is her right, but she also showed her regard for the relationship in how she didn’t care about his feelings. As I told her, a love like that is not worth having.

Like Meerna, at least in that moment, the true narcissist is not really capable of love, except in how it might assist them in their own lives, and they often struggle with understanding another person’s way of looking at the world. In this context, the myth of Narcissus, the Greek god who came to represent self-centredness, provides an evocative framework for understanding the disorder.

Narcissus

Many know the rough outlines of the original myth of Narcissus, the man so enamoured with his own image that he drowned while reaching for his reflection in a pool. The original outlines of the myth are more complex. A son of gods, Narcissus was doomed from the start. He was not only gifted with extreme beauty, but he also had the overweening sense of his self-worth that we associate with narcissism. His mother Liriope was told by the seer Tiresias at birth that Narcissus would live a long life if he never discovered himself. Kept from mirrors, Narcissus never had a chance to fall in love with his own image.

Instead, looking for love in the mirror of the other and finding them insufficient, he rejected all lovers who approached him, even Echo, who was cursed to repeat back to the sender any message she received. If Narcissus were to claim that he loved her, Echo would have said the same. This should give someone with such an overinflated sense of self the gratification their fragile self-esteem desired, but Narcissus wasn’t capable of loving her. Narcissus rejected Echo’s advances and left her to pine away in a lonely glade, and her voice faded without someone to imitate until she disappeared entirely.

Even for the gods, Narcissus’ treatment of the innocent Echo was interpreted to be excessively cruel, and Nemesis determined to exact a suitable revenge. She led Narcissus far into the forest until he was thirsty and then showed him a still pool. Narcissus bent to drink, and there, entranced by his own reflection, he fell in love. Unfortunately the ripples in the pool disturbed his attempts to embrace himself, and the closer he came to touching himself the farther he receded from view. Finally, in agony because he could not close with the one he loved, he—depending on the version—fell in and drowned, killed himself, or pined away from unrequited love much like Echo had done. Upon trying to plot the logistics of his demise, I like to imagine that Narcissus died of thirst, that unable to endure disturbing the water and thus losing his image he chose death over a refreshing drink. That self-destructive myopia captures the self-damaging qualities of narcissism.

Anyone hearing the story now will both recall people they have known who are obsessed with their appearance and those who have the selfies on social media and the dependence on accolades to prove it.² Others might lament that Narcissus didn’t have a mirror. Then he could stand in front of it all day, proclaiming his self-love like so many celebrities, business leaders, and politicians standing before the social mirror of adoring fans and sycophants.

The useful portion of the Narcissus myth has more to do with the selfish and destructive nature of self-love than it does the exact mechanisms used by those who seek to fulfill their desire for self, however. The lesson of Narcissus is lost on few as they contemplate that Narcissus could have enjoyed a pleasant life but for the extreme selfishness of his desires, but it does not point to the social markers which allow us to recognize these failings in another. The myth teaches that such an obsession with the self, the inability to look outside the self and consider others as equals—or in extreme cases, even worthy of notice—ultimately leads to destruction, but how that might be accomplished is still a question.

Perhaps one of the clearest exhibitions of the self-undermining nature of narcissism is the breakdown in cooperation between the characters in Christoph and Wolfgang Lauenstein’s Balance. In the film, five men live on a smooth metal plate which they must keep balanced so they do not slide off. They must each move in a coordinated fashion so that the plate does not tip too far. That careful balance is upset when one of them fishes a large box from over the side of the plate.

In order to maintain the balance with the heavy box added to their world, the rest must move to the other side of the plate. This enables the one who found the box to turn the handle and listen to the muffled sounds of music. The others want to hear this for themselves, so they unbalance the plate so that the box slides toward them and the original listener must step away from it to preserve the balance. With this system, they could each get some time with the box while the rest keep the plate balanced. One of them decides to keep the box for himself, however, and refusing to share, he sits on the box while it slides and the others struggle to maintain the balance of the society.

As the box slides out of control, he shows no remorse as he pushes first one and then another of his fellows off the side of the plate. They fall into the abyss, the plate is further destabilized, and then he must push another in order to keep possession of the box. That continues until only he and the box remain. For balance to be maintained, however, he must stand on the opposite corner from the box. Therefore, he has killed his fellows for nothing. He can neither enjoy the music box nor move around on the plate to fetch other tempting treats from the depths.

The lesson is not lost on Lauenstein’s viewing audience. If the man would have been content to share, all would have had a chance to listen to the music. Because of his greed and selfishness, he has lost what he most desired as well as his friends who would have helped him. The film ends with him alone facing the box which is too far away to reach or hear; he cannot move for fear of either losing the box or plunging into the depths.

Of course in real life narcissists manage to live long and healthy lives despite their inability to consider others before themselves, and in a self-obsessed culture, they may even advance and be celebrated. The narcissist often finds work which is not too demanding but which leads to others cheering their meagre accomplishments, they evade problems by mendaciousness—for if others are not important why would lying to them matter?—and they have enough free time to spend it concentrating on their own pleasure. They find partners and friends who either support their fragile ego with endless compliments and social supports or who tacitly permit their selfishness by a disinclination to confront them.

The fragile ego of the narcissist is a necessary part of this package, for they cannot brook any suggestion that they are not the centre of the world. Any implication that they might be wrong, that they might not be as attractive as they believe, poorly perform their masculinity or femininity, or are not as intelligent as they think, poisons them with envy and hatred. Like Narcissus without a mirror, they fade without constant affirmation. Without the ability or interest in others, they only have the mirror of social relations to define who they are, and if that message is not positive then those around them must be prepared for the results. Even Echo was not a sufficient lover for Narcissus, remember, for her reply relied on input from him. He was constitutionally incapable of giving, and therefore could not receive anything from her. To be a lover or friend of Narcissus she would need to take nothing for herself and instead devote her life to his maintenance and delight.

This self-aggrandizement leads the narcissist to several socially reprehensible behaviours. They tend to become defensive and aggressive when wrong, lord their superiority over others, perform a role even when they are with intimate friends, and seek in extra-marital affairs that which the home does not provide.³ They are incapable of maintaining long term relationships since the vagaries and weaknesses of the human frame do not allow for a sustained good opinion of others, and instead have shallow and short term friendships which supply their needs. Their long term relationships are largely the result of hard work by their fellows, as their more puerile behaviours and attitudes are explained away or compensated for by those who have either fallen for their inflated presentation of self or whose own self esteem merely wants the occasional boost that their association with the narcissist might provide.

This discussion is perhaps timely, for research points to the increasingly prevalence of narcissism in western societies, which can be seen by the claims of the anti-mask anti-mandate people—I should be able to do what I want and the medically fragile can look after their own health—and the attitudes of many public figures. In an interview with Andrew Callahan, from the YouTube independent news channel, one advocate for freedom succinctly defines a belief in community protection as an aberration: If you want to take a jab, take a jab. You can do anything you want to do to your own body, but don’t make me do something to my body with this screwed-up morality that I’m doing it for others (Callahan 15:41). Canadian politicians, hoping to capitalize on the trade in anti-social ideas, have echoed the call. Saskatchewan Conservative MP Andrew Scheer declared that the prime minister was the biggest threat to freedom in Canada. . . . Our position is that no one should lose their job for a healthcare decision. Truckers were essential workers for two years during the pandemic, and the government hasn’t explained why things need to change while Ontario Conservative MP Leslyn Lewis suggested the vaccine mandates promote segregation and other Conservatives like MPs Pierre Poilievre and Garnett Genuis have called the federal mandate Trudeau’s vaccine vendetta (Aiello).

Some parents are rightly hyper-concerned about their children becoming narcissistic in a society in which the parents cater to the child and the child is online seeking affirmation from perverts and strangers:

Lash says that combined with the therapeutic ideology, which took over the American society in the 1970s and which [upheld] a normative schedule of psychosocial development and [thus] [gave] further encouragement to anxious self-scrutiny (33), these movements brought out the narcissistic personality traits in the American people, making the self-absorbed narcissist the dominant type of personality in the (contemporary) society (115).

As Lash observes, it was an unfortunate development because narcissists tend to be very unhappy people. They often feel restless, dissatisfied, depressed, and lonely, suffer from hypochondria and paradoxically also self-esteem issues. Furthermore, they are generally, extremely terrified of aging and death because they look to others to validate [their] sense of self (115) and they know that with old age they will very likely lose the abilities that people are taught by the society to admire in people - their beauty, celebrity and power, which is in the modern times also tied with productivity, adaptability, and strength.⁴

Interestingly, the portrayal of the narcissist on television has kept up with the changing times; the narcissists did not become more self-absorbed but television stopped viewing them ironically, and in our time of reality television their antisocial tendencies came to be valorized.

The Changing Face of Narcissism in Television

When older people lament about how television has changed for the worse, in their terms, one of the elements they point to is the increasing prevalence of narcissistic characters, or in the case of reality television, people. This is not merely a group of overly wrought baby boomers who lament the good old days, however. Although the reaction of many older people to anything new is disdain and distrust, as well as a revulsion toward a changing aesthetic, they are correct in their assumption that television and the viewing public has become increasingly interested in and worshipful of narcissism.

The narcissist has always featured as a character in media history, but that presentation has slowly changed from one of audience derision to adulation. The narcissist in the early silent films was seen as manipulative, portrayed in a way that undermined their status as a hero object, and that continued into the talkies and early television. Other personality traits, such as generosity, connection to community, thoughtfulness, and love, overcame the screen’s version of the narcissistic character. This ironic view of the narcissist—in which the audience sees them for the self-serving misanthrope that they are—has gradually faded, however. The laughable anti-hero qualities of the early television narcissist became replaced with the me generation celebrating those narcissists who happen, by their faith in their own actions, to overcome adversity. As reality television took over the screen, however, narcissists have really come into their own. Finally, they can assume their rightful place in a society which is increasingly overly concerned with the self.

Westerns dominated the television landscape of the fifties and early sixties, but they were less interested in the portrayal of the self-centred hero than they were what those heroes had to fight against. What they had in common with the later shows was the tendency to organize the action around a central character. The Lone Ranger (1949-57) didn’t last a decade, but it inspired such copycat features as Gunsmoke (1955-75), Wagon Train (1957-62), Bonanza (1959-73), The Real McCoys (1957-62) and Maverick (1957-62). These rough-and-ready iconoclasts enacted their own law in the unfettered Wild West by dint of what they thought was right, rather than succumb to the confines of eastern court practice. Using their hands and wits to defeat the vagaries of weather and other happenstances of the natural world, and occasionally those who were not worthy to be their peers, the shows were frequently invaded by stuck-up easterners who rode into town with airs and soft hands. Significantly, the easterners were seen as failures to be transformed or defeated rather than narcissists to be emulated. Although the western heroes were central to their story, they were frequently looking out for others and the action was centred on the need to protect the weak or punish the criminal. The narcissists in these cases were the incarcerated criminals and vanquished invaders.

The early situation comedies of the fifties featured many narcissists—in terms of characters who organized their world around themselves to achieve their own short-sighted goals—but the shows were more interested in the social aspects of their protagonists. Their foibles were seen as shortcomings, and were meant to be endured or laughed at, rather than viewed as informing the character or their motivations. The Honeymooners (1955-56), for instance, featured the rash and quick-tempered Ralph Kramden. Frustrated by his poverty and possessing an overzealous sense of his own abilities, he was often hatching sure-fire get-rich-quick schemes which invariably failed. His subsequent temper tantrums and hollering, insults and threats—despite their interest for the viewing public—were not seen as the most important aspects of his character, however. Beneath his bullying exterior, the show frequently exposed his love for his wife Alice and loyalty to his best friend Ed Norton. Those redeeming features save his character from being a stereotype of the 50s narcissistic man of the household.

In I Love Lucy (1951-57), Lucy is an inept show-business wannabe who is so desperate to get onto the screen or stage that she resorts to similar schemes and ploys. She possesses the narcissistic tendencies ascribed to women of the television period, such as lying about her age, overspending on clothes, being excessively vain about her appearance, and believing she is more talented than she is. Like Kramden, her narcissism was portrayed as ultimately self-undermining and inspired humour rather than a set of traits meant to be celebrated. Her terrible renditions of songs and her faith in her own talent despite her obvious shortcomings are comic rather than clever, and her other propensities, such as love for her husband and friends, and her support for her community, are seen as the more legitimate values.

This tendency to imagine protagonists who are narcissistic, in the way that the action of the show is organized around them as a feature of the plot, continued into the sixties and seventies. Barney Fife, from The Andy Griffith Show (1960-68), was vain, cowardly, self-serving, selfish, and incompetent, and much of the action of the show was concerned with keeping him unaware of his true nature. His vanity brooked little criticism, and like any narcissist he would have tantrums when he finally understood that he was not all that he believed himself to be. Despite those less pleasant traits, he was seen as worthy of respect, however; and they were merely aspects of his character which must be either ignored or worked around.

Likewise Leave It to Beaver (1957-63),