Unstuck: Unlocking Your Best Life

By Joseph A. Hollenbaugh

If you feel stuck, you are not alone. In fact, the symptoms of stuckness are at epidemic levels. Nearly half of U.S. adults experience adverse health consequences from stress. A higher number, more than half:

• Would like to change careers
• Are unhappy in their current relationship
• Are dissatisfied with their religious or spiritual lives
• Regret their educational decisions
• Lose sleep regularly because of distress due to:
• Money
• Relationships
• Work
• Engage in unhealthy coping behaviors including:
• Alcohol abuse or misuse
• Prescription drug abuse
• Illegal substance use
• Overeating

Not all of these symptoms can be resolved for everyone, but some of them can for you, and that is the purpose of this book. Becoming unstuck, or even taking steps in that direction, will increase your level of peace and well-being.

 

The solutions to this epidemic of unnecessary pain lie in the process of developing greater self-knowledge as you use proven, practical, step-by-step models to:

 

• Change limiting thought or behavior patterns
• Guide and improve decision-making
• Plan and manage change
• Remove barriers to change

The ideas in this book do not assume that you somehow need to be different than you are. Rather, they provide a set of tools for breaking self-limiting patterns and beliefs so you can maximize your personal freedom and power and open the pathways to your best life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Metacog Media LLC
• Release date: Mar 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9798985575606

Book preview

Praise for Unstuck: Unlocking Your Best Life

Unstuck: Unlocking Your Best Life  is filled with clarity and understanding guidance to unlock blocked aliveness. This book is like a gentle hand reaching out and leading to freedom. It makes the inner journey to a full life accessible to individuals and serves as a resource to help therapists boost clients' internal resources and resilience. 

—Ingrid Sato, M.S., LCSW, LMFT

In many other books, the author takes the reader on a journey but the reader is a just a passenger. In Unstuck: Unlocking Your Best Life, the author puts the reader in the driver’s seat and is by your side every step of the way, guiding you to find your unique path for getting unstuck. I believe this book will help you get to your destination ... a better life. I highly recommend.

—Jason Magidson, Ph.D., Author of Engaged,

Co-author of Idealized Design: Dissolving Tomorrow's Crisis Today

The steps in this book follow proven models to help readers not only become unstuck from a present dilemma, but also to increase self-knowledge that can open the path to a fuller life. With realistic, relatable examples, continuous prompts for self-exploration, and down-to-earth language, the author makes this journey accessible and engaging. Unstuck: Unlocking Your Best Life offers a solid guide for anyone who is ready to make important decisions and move forward.

– Amy Marschall, Psy.D., Author of I Don’t Want to Be Bad:

A CBT Workbook for Kids, Parents, and the Professionals who Help Them

Unstuck: Unlocking Your Best Life flows in a way that makes sense, progressing through the journey of becoming unstuck with the reader and offering helpful encouragement along the way. There’s a really good balance between identifying the issues and then presenting practical solutions, or ideas that will lead to a solution.

—Claire Yaxley, B.Ed.

To My Reader

If you feel stuck, you are not alone. In fact, the symptoms of stuckness are at epidemic levels. Nearly half of U.S. adults experience adverse health consequences from stress. A higher number, more than half :

Would like to change careers

Are unhappy in their current relationship

Are dissatisfied with their religious or spiritual lives

Regret their educational decisions

Lose sleep regularly because of distress due to:

Money

Relationships

Work

Engage in unhealthy coping behaviors including:

Alcohol abuse or misuse

Prescription drug abuse

Illegal substance use

Overeating

Not all of these symptoms can be resolved for everyone, but some of them can for you, and that is the purpose of this book. Becoming unstuck, or even taking steps in that direction, will increase your level of peace and well-being.

The solutions to this epidemic of unnecessary pain lie in the process of developing greater self-knowledge as you use proven, practical, step-by-step models to:

Change limiting thought or behavior patterns

Guide and improve decision-making

Plan and manage change

Remove barriers to change

The ideas in this book do not assume that you somehow need to be different than you are. Rather, they provide a set of tools for breaking self-limiting patterns and beliefs so you can maximize your personal freedom and power and open the pathways to your best life.

Acknowledgements

One of the profound experiences that opened my mind to the power of belief occurred during my first year of law school. For the entire first semester, my team was assigned to develop the arguments for the prosecution in a hypothetical case. I threw myself into the project and became passionate about proving the defendant guilty. Then, in the new semester, the assignment changed. My team became responsible to make the case for the defense.

For a week I felt lost, certain that I could not possibly argue on behalf of the accused. I never felt more disoriented. Eventually, my mind began to grasp the fundamental point that the law is complex because the human condition is complex. That drove me to focus my studies on alternative dispute resolution (solving legal conflicts outside the judicial process). As I dove into work as a mediator, I was astounded to see firsthand that people could interpret and understand the same events completely differently, while being entirely certain that their own views were correct. But then, in the process of working through cases with the parties, I also learned how quickly those entrenched positions could change based on new information.

These experiences compelled me to an intense study of human behavior, and I wound my way through multiple disciplines in the journey. I thank the pioneers whose brilliant work laid the foundations for our ever-increasing understanding of human experience and capability.

In developing this book, my primary objective is that it will bring genuine benefits to my readers. To that end, I have been privileged to collaborate with a diverse and talented team of experts who augmented and improved the contents.

›  Angela McDowell, M.A. Organizational Leadership, Prosci Certification, Change Management Leader: Change Model and Sustainability

›  Charlotte Willian, M.A. English, M.A. Linguistics, Freelance Writer: Accessibility, Editing, Design

›  Jill Schroering, M.A. Ed., Educator: Accessibility, Pedagogy, Layout

›  Victoria Englert, A.M., LSW, Therapist: CBT, ACT, DBT, and MI elements

I also thank my colleagues in the fields of Law, Mediation, Education, and Social Work, who taught me through their experience, knowledge, and insight.

And I gratefully acknowledge the contributions of my students and clients, whose inspiring growth has motivated me and taught me how all of these strategies work in real life.

Part 1

Preparation for Change

Chapter 1

Stuck

"N ot everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

—James Baldwin

An old story speaks of a man who swims halfway across the ocean but then decides he cannot make it the rest of the way, so he turns around and swims back. We all have moments when we feel that the other side of our situation is too far away, too difficult, too tiring, too scary...impossible. If we look back at how far we have already come we can see the strength, power, and resilience that have carried us through many circumstances that once felt beyond our ability to manage. Yet often, somewhere in the process of adapting to changing situations, we feel stuck – unable to cope, to move, to function, to take charge of our destiny.

We are stuck when we need to make an important decision, but are unable to make it or commit to it, or when we settle for a life that leaves us empty or unfulfilled. We are stuck when we lose sleep or sacrifice our mental or physical health because of chronic stress, or when we resort to unhealthy coping strategies that become just another trap. We are stuck when we fall into failed patterns in our relationships, sabotaging our own happiness again and again. We are stuck anytime we experience low satisfaction with some aspect of our lives, over a period of time, without progressing toward the life we would choose.

The good news is that you can manage life in better ways. There are answers, and you can discover them and use them. Like the man in the ocean, you have come too far to stop where you are or turn back. You deserve better.  

You may identify with more than one of the symptoms of stuckness described in the introduction, but you will have better odds of becoming unstuck if you can narrow your focus first and then build out from there. That is the way this book will guide you.

For now, think about your biggest pain point. What kind of stuckness is causing you the most distress? Or, maybe you can identify a situation that has you logjammed, and resolving it will open multiple new pathways. Try keeping this question in your mind: If I had a magic wand but could only use it once, what would I do with it?

The following is a list of concerns brought to me repeatedly over many years. As you look through, try to find the one that jumps out as the main area of concentration. If the answer is not obvious, choose the top two or three. A line is provided next to each concern so you can check off your top items as you read through. If you do not see your personal concern listed, just add your own in the blank space(s) at the end.

You will meet several traveling companions throughout this book. You can observe their stories of stuckness and watch as they write new, unstuck narratives for themselves. Their work may help you get more out of your own journey. You will find an example, Amanda’s Stuck Zone,[1] after this list. If you prefer, jump ahead and read the example first, then come back.

Frequent Areas of Stuckness

Relationships

―  You are in a relationship that is not working due to excessive conflict, infidelity, mistrust, sexual incompatibility, or financial disagreements.

―  You would like to be in a romantic relationship, but are having difficulty finding a suitable partner.

―  Your relationship leaves you bored, burned out, lonely, or unfulfilled.

―  You want your relationship to work better, or if not, to end.

―  You feel isolated and need a friend, or friends. Your social life is unsatisfying.

―  A friend is causing problems in your life due to boundary problems or other inappropriate behavior. Or, your social circle is holding you back, and you want different friends.

―  You are having difficulty with someone in your immediate or extended family, or with more than one person. There is tension or estrangement in the family. Or, the family is at odds over care of an aging parent or inheritance concerns. Or, a family member is causing stress in your life due to boundary problems or other inappropriate behavior.

―  You are having parenting difficulties. Your relationship with your child (of any age) is strained or disruptive. Or, your child is struggling and you are not sure how to help.

―  You are having problems with a colleague, co-worker, or supervisor. The person is abusive or disrespectful and takes the joy out of your work or career. Or, the person is not doing a fair share, or is dishonest at work.

―  You want a child or children, or another child, and you do not have a suitable partner, relationship, or other circumstances to make it feasible.

Financial

―  You need more money. Either your income is lower than you need, or your expenses are higher than you can afford, or both.

―  You want to raise your standard of living.

―  You want to get out of debt.

―  Financial distress is harming your well-being.

―  Your lifestyle is not satisfying and you want to restructure your work and financial priorities.

―  You want to improve your long-term financial position to prepare for emergencies, travel, or retirement. You struggle to implement a long-term strategy.

Job or Career

―  You feel that your current employment, underemployment, or lack of employment is a trap, a source of deep dissatisfaction, or otherwise unacceptable.

―  You would like to change jobs, upgrade, or find work within your usual field.

―  Your career path at this point is a major cause of concern. You are earning less than you need, you are bored or burned out, your line of work is in decline, or you do not feel satisfied. You would like to explore a different field of work.

Educational Path

―  You have not yet settled on your next step, whether to work full-time, or attend university or vocational school.

―  You are struggling to select a degree, program, or school.

―  You have already started working or studying, and you are not satisfied with the educational or career decisions you made.

Health and Physical Wellness

―  You are dissatisfied with your health, or you are not being effective at managing a chronic condition such as hypertension or diabetes.

―  You are dissatisfied with your fitness, level of activity, diet, or your health is threatened by obesity.

―  You do not feel well and the basic reasons are treatable.

―  You use tobacco and want to reduce your usage, or stop.

Mental or Emotional Wellness

―  Your mind is troubled by racing, obsessive, or intrusive thoughts such that you struggle with daily life on a regular basis. You rarely experience inner peace.

―  You struggle to maintain healthy boundaries with other people or your work. You feel resentful and your life is disrupted in ways that trouble you.

―  You feel excessive worry or fear (anxiety) to the degree that it interferes with your life.

―  You have physical barriers to having a child or children, and this causes distress that burdens or interferes with your wellness.

―  You experience feelings of sadness, worthlessness, or despair on a regular basis, and it interferes with your life.

―  You abuse legal substances such as alcohol, cannabis, or prescription drugs. Your use of these substances interferes with your life or health.

―  You use or abuse illegal substances, especially in risky ways.

―  You are struggling with grief or loss and it affects your ability to function in life.

―  You feel an excessive amount of stress and you respond in ineffective or counterproductive ways. You want to improve your reaction to stress.

―  You are not sleeping enough, or restfully enough, to feel well and function well.

―  You feel excessive levels of anger or resentment, which interfere with your life.

―  You suffer severe or excessive levels of guilt and remorse, which interfere with your life.

―  You are a pleaser, that is, you put the needs of others ahead of your own wellness in unnecessary ways. You feel