The Wall: My Covid Times Diary

By Nirmala P S

I sit like the crucified custodian of totally irrelevant possessions.

‘Clear the jungle!’ is the cry in my mind. ‘Burn all!’

Yes. But, what about the ‘wastes’ accumulated in the recesses of mind? Wastes of emotions? Wastes of loves, friendships, commitments and non-commitments? Wastes of convictions, beliefs, theories?

Burn them!
Burn them?

Honest. Philosophical. Provincial and Global, at the same time. Notes of a ship-wrecked soul negotiating Life in an extraordinary situation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing India
• Release date: Jan 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781543708332

Nirmala P S

The Author is from Kerala, India. She is a well known journalist, as well as writer. Currently doing research in Philosophy. Father: P.A.Solomon, Former member of Parliament of India. Mother Ammini. Married to Sculptor Jeevan Thomas. She is the niece of well-known Malayalam Novelist Kakanadan. She lost her only son Siddharth in 2016.

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Copyright © 2022 by NIRMALA PS.

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CONTENTS

Author’s Note

2020

26 Jan

7 Feb

14 Feb

27 Feb

29 Feb

1 March

12 Mar

14 Mar

22 Mar

25 Mar

27 Mar

28 Mar

30 Mar

31 Mar

3 April

5 Apr

18 Apr

20 Apr

23 Apr

27Apr

28 Apr

2 May

4 May

6 May

8 May

9 May

13 May

22 May

27 May

3 June

5 Jun

8 Jun

10 Jun

21 Jun

23 Jun

28 Jun

3 July

6 Jul

7 Jul

9 Jul

13 Jul

14 Jul

15 Jul

16 Jul

18 Jul

19 Jul

25 Jul

26 Jul

30 Jul

1 August

2 Aug

4 Aug

9 Aug

10 Aug

12 Aug

14 Aug

16 Aug

19 Aug

25 Aug

26 Aug

27 Aug

2 Sept

6 Sept

9 Sept

10 Sept

12 Sept

13 Sept

15 Sept

18 Sept

20 Sept

21 Sept

22 Sept

24 Sept

25 Sept

27 Sept

30 Sept

3 October

4 Oct

5 Oct

7 Oct

11 Oct

15 Oct

20 Oct

23 Oct

26 Oct

29 Oct

8 Nov

20 Nov

25 Nov

26 Nov

14 Dec

23 Dec

31 Dec

2021

4 Jan

11 Jan

14 Jan

16 Jan

26 Jan

27 Jan

30 Jan

2 Feb

12 Feb

14 Feb

16 Feb

17 Feb

21 Feb

25 Feb

28 Feb

1 Mar

4 Mar

5 Mar

7 Mar

8 Mar

9 Mar

12 Mar

20 Mar

23 Mar

25 Mar

26 Mar

27 Mar

31 Mar

7 April

9 Apr

11 Apr

21 Apr

22 Apr

24 Apr

27 Apr

29 Apr

1 May

2 May

5 May

9 May

13 May

14 May

15 May

18 May

25 May

28 May

30 May

31 May

3 June

5 June

9 June

17 June

19 June

21 June

22June

23 June

24 June

25 June

28 June

29 June

2 July

13 Jul

18 Jul

25 Jul

1 Aug

2 Aug

8 Aug

9 Aug

4 Sept

12 Sept

18 Sept

22 Sept

27 Sept

29 Sept

5 Oct

11 Oct

12 Oct

19 Oct

29 Oct

1 Nov

20 Nov

About The Author

AUTHOR’S NOTE

I had wound up a long career in journalism and just acquired a Master’s degree in Philosophy when Corona virus struck the world. When I casually left Kasargod, the northern tip of the Kerala state, where my husband was involved in doing a sculpture commissioned by the Government, to my parental home in the south, in March 2020, there were just some low key mumblings about the virus. In fact the first suspected case in Kerala was reported from Kasargod.

Within a few days, our world changed. In March itself the first confirmed case of Covid was reported, border of Kasargod was sealed; my husband by sheer luck caught the last flight to the South. Like the rest of the World, we too slipped into Lockdown.

I remember watching dead bodies being shovelled to graveyards in Italy, on TV. There was ominous dark around. I who was personally going through a dark phase in my life- I had lost my only son in 2016- thought I cared twopence for what is happening out in the World. Still, the decision of the Italian authorities to prioritise young lives over the lives of the aged stung me with anger.

Still, imprisoned by the four walls of my home, I too, like millions of others in the world, went under a sort of hibernation. I started noting down my innermost thoughts and these thoughts pertained to different aspects of the new reality evolving around. I realised also that occasional lightness too was possible, when we deal with grave situations. That is mind’s power, its tendency to look for equilibrium, when things are unstable.

I also did a bit of ploughing into some films and books- serious works done by some highly creative minds. Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Andre Zvyagintsev, the Russian film maker. Watched a lot of paintings online. I made it a point not to get hooked by news channels streaming bad news all the time. I do not think it was a survival strategy I designed for myself; part of me, even otherwise, had started straying away from the real, happening World, in fact.

I mark these two unusual years with my own markers. Two years when the World seemed to wobble on its axis. Like a doddering old man, groping for his walking stick. Two years, when everything was uncertain. Thanks to the State government’s all out effort to rein in the onslaught of the virus, we practically came out of it pretty well. But yes, we lost a few well known persons during this time. Total number of deaths so far reported in Kerala is about 40,000, where total population is around 35 million.

I marked my days on the bark of my own private time. In future, if some one wants to look at this pandemic and people’s reaction to the unprecedented situation created by it - well, my markings might be interesting to them. They are half immersed in its slush, half hilariously out, stealing a look at the stars. In fact Life is an equilibrium between the two: our sense of gloom and doom; our hopes sprouting from them, all green, though there is no particular analysable reason!

Dedicate

d to

my son Siddharth

2020

26 JAN

Even though you wish to live in another place, another time, it is just not possible. We live here, in this place, this time. This culture and its paraphernalia of narrations. The truth (relative, may be), and what you believe - NOW.

Hands down, I decide to be part of the human chain, at Kalikkadavu, Kasargod today, protesting against the controversial Citizenship Amendment Act, believing in the secular argument that the bill is discriminatory.

Salute all participants in the chain.

7 FEB

Doing Philosophy is like petting a cat on your lap, biding time, while there is this soft snowfall of mysteries outside.

14 FEB

So, I draw the following conclusion in the morning:

Love (we speak about romantic love, of course on the Valentine’s Day) is a sweet, short summer. Never be under the delusion that it would last for ever. It won’t. Its sweetness is in its brevity. For that matter, Life is always in a flux, if you want it philosophically.

And Love is slippery stairs. You are bound to fall. Have a great fall! What is important is the experience.

And. If you are a die- hard romantic, you would always be ready to climb the next flight of stairs and again fall.

And you would do it until your last breath. At any age. Like the nonagenarian in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s ‘My melancholy...’

Have a great day!

27 FEB

Do we really need religion? I am thinking hard. Do we need really some institution, some middlemen, between us and god/the unknown?

It all started from the primordial fear of the Unknown and Death, which led to worship of Nature. Hasn’t this institution become obsolete?

And isn’t this really the ‘worn out’ garment, -’Vasamsi jiirnani ‘*- that we should discard now?

*In the Hindu scripture ‘Bhagavat Gita’, it is said:

As a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul accepts new bodies, giving up the old and useless ones.

29 FEB

Thoughts and ‘angst’ about death is one thing. To be forced to go through the detailed account of a pathetic death first thing in the morning is another thing. This is what the morning newspaper does. It is a pervert’s mind working when you narrate such a death moment by moment, to the satisfaction of one’s full capability of translating the event into language, feeling the dark pleasure of doing so. It is a pervert’s mind working when the readers or the television viewers relish the darkness of it too. What is the purpose? Catharsis?

Well, media have well defined purpose. Both channels and newspapers. And in Kerala at least, this dark game of evoking exaggerated emotions at someone else’s expense, had been their trump card since a very long time.

Everyday in the obituary pages there appear many tragic events. The weirdness of human fate and gloom are all there for your musings. Then why single out a story and sell it!

The biggest cruelty is done to kids who had to watch it all. What would be their trauma? Philosophically, it is good to bring children to the awareness of death. In fact Philosophy should be taught in schools. But not like this, through an abrupt exposure!

Ugh. We are so primitive still. Selling emotions.

1 MARCH

Dear all, kitchen is a common place where humans cook food and clean utensils. Please do not go on cherishing or nourishing the idea that it is an exclusive territory of women, which has been bestowed to them magnanimously of course, to make them feel eternally obliged and happy about.

Thanks.

12 MAR

Woke up before daybreak and saw a waning moon on its third day of the wane, outside my window, showering a soft, silent, ethereal light.

But, what is the intention of nature, when she covers everything in this beautiful light at this time when everyone is asleep under blankets..?

14 MAR

Happened to see the Malayalam film, Ozhimuri (2012) yesterday. Director is Madhupal. Life in the southern most part of Kerala, in 1940-s, the dialect mixed with Tamil, peculiar costumes of that era, the customs of traditional Nair community there- these were the factors which made me sit through the film. ‘Ozhimuri’ means the document for a divorce, by the way.

Happy to say that it was good. A woman, totally servile to the wishes of her husband, falling in line with the values of a Patriarchal society, is juxtaposed to another woman questioning and breaking all patriarchal norms.

It does not say either of them wins. Both, in a way, fail. The film ends with the first woman denunciating her role as a ‘wife’ and chooses to be free. But she still cares for her man.

Those who missed the film, can give it a try. It is worth watching.

Incidentally, Wikipedia gives a good account of the film.

22 MAR

Whatever it is, please do not let Covid invade your mind.

25 MAR

Everything has its bright side.

Most of the temples, churches, masjids