The Words of the Lost Soul

By Rudo Savage

“Being lost is what nearly killed me. But being lost is also how I learned what it is to be alive.” – Rudo Savage

A powerful, humbling account of what it feels like to struggle with identity, purpose, direction and meaning in life. All whilst trying to juggle the overwhelming challenge of life as a single mother, a nurse, a young adult, and everything in between.

This unique approach between a poetic memoir and journaling takes you on the harrowing transitioning period from attempting suicide to finding the strength to return to the normalities of life, whilst still navigating in the realms of being a lost soul.

This book epitomizes what it is like to not have it all together, and to be constantly battling against the rising pressures and standards that society throws at us, whilst desperately trying to form some kind of identity that resonates purely and truly to ourselves.

This book is the sign that it is okay to be lost.
This book is the sign that will give you comfort in being lost.
This book is the understanding that you are not alone.
From one lost soul to another.
Being lost is not the ending.
Being lost is the most important part of the journey.

We can never be found if we are not lost in the first place.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jan 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781665596237

Rudo Savage

Rudo was born in Lincoln, England. She is a thirty-year-old single mother to three children, and a qualified orthopaedic nurse of six years. Rudo is passionate about yoga, reading, travelling and spirituality. In her life, spirituality became more important to her after nearly losing her own life to mental health. As a first-time author, Rudo has found that writing has helped her to heal, and finally acknowledge the pain that she had been feeling, after battling with her mental health for fifteen years. Through her words, she aims to help others and become an advocate for those who have felt as lost as her. Her primary message is that what may seem impossible at first is always possible when we learn to shine a light into the dark places.

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© 2022 Rudo Savage. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  01/28/2022

ISBN: 978-1-6655-9621-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-9622-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-9623-7 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Foreword

Introduction

Acknowledgements

Identity

Lost

Tsunami

Vacant

The Book

I Am Me

Today

Meanings

Loneliness

Gift Wrap

Water Pistols

Caged

Memories

Illusions

Reflections

Defeated

Balance

I am Safe. You are Safe

Dinner Tables

Fears

Colours

Wounds

Primal

Leaves

Coffee Shops

The Society

The Blessing or the Burden

Fairy Lights

False Pretences

It is not enough

Diagnosis

The Blind Eye

Baggage

Glass

Expectations

The Deep

Blank Canvas

The Ache

Feel It

The Who not the What

The Pursuit

The House

Self-Love

The Game

Baby Steps

Some People

Comparison

Patience

Different

Do not trust them

The Small Things

A Letter for My Child

I am not ready

Late-Night Talks

London

Growing Pains

White Picket Fences

The Truths

You

Soulmate

Poison

Butterflies

Sanctuary

Clarity

The Ending or the Beginning

Empty

The Middle Place

Bibliography

This book is for anyone who ever struggled with their identity.

This book is for anyone who ever felt that their life had very little or no value.

This book is for anyone who ever felt lost.

I feel your pain and I can sense your strength. Our purpose and meaning is in the fight.

This book is for my beautiful children who chose me as their mother.

This book is for my parents who were bleeding along with me but still chose to dress my wounds before theirs.

This book is for my second mother, Aunty P.

This book is for my guardian angels Layla, Ami, Krayg and Laura. My shining stars who saw me for who I was and still chose to love me effortlessly and tirelessly.

This book is for Mother Lee for sitting and holding my hand when I needed it the most.

This book is for Alex, one of the most beautiful, vibrant human beings I know.

This book is for the sister of my soul, and friend of my heart, Nicola.

This book is for my sister I gained along the way of life, Lauren.

Lauren Savage Wittig, author of best. world. ever.

With two brothers growing up, I never had a sister, until Rudo. Upon my first visit to Lincoln, UK, in 2017 where she and my husband’s family live, we immediately established a connection with our shared love of love, cheese, and yoga. Although I live 4,685 miles from her, in Seattle, and do not often get to see her in person, we have built a deep bond over the years. One that is our own and is stronger than the ties of being in-laws. One founded in overcoming mental health barriers and a shared medium of writing.

My first visit to the UK was on the tail end of my first time meeting Rudo and the rest of my husband’s family, on a one-week family vacation to Barcelona. I was nervous about making a good impression across such a lengthy event, but Rudo and her parents welcomed me with open arms. I first noticed Rudo’s warm energy as a person, and as a mom, with her two children at the time by her side on the trip. Quiet yet vibrant. Enchantedly beautiful inside and out.

I did not know this at the time, but I have since come to learn that Rudo and I both have a way with façade, a way of masking a strong exterior with a struggling interior. It feels like a common language we never learned, but somehow, we both know.

When Rudo reached out to me after returning from the hospital, I felt a tsunami of emotions — relief that she was still here, sadness over the pain she was feeling, and gratitude that the book I wrote and published was inspiring her to do the same. Since that text, I have been honoured to read the words flowing from her heart and soul. Words that I cannot put down. Words that stick with me. Words that have helped to heal me.

The pain Rudo has experienced translates into real and raw heartache, vulnerability, empathy, resilience, and kindness, in a way you can imagine and interpret as oneself. Her poetic style and complex mind offer gripping analogies and metaphors that make you think in a new way. As you read, you get to know her and get to know you, you feel for her, and you feel with her.

The word ‘journey’ reminds me of Rudo as she has incorporated this into all her creativity. This book takes you on a rollercoaster journey, one where you will inevitably grow. Rudo wrote the book she needed for herself, to ask for help, and to help others. I hope she helps you in the way she has helped me.

INTRODUCTION

Throughout my adult life, what I had become extremely conscious of was that I had so many distinguishing roles. I was the single mother who had to hold a sense of strength and unity continuously whilst crippled with the trauma of abandonment. I was the nurse who had to show a constant level of professionalism and accountability. I was the young adult wanting to experience life and find an identity and a place that resonated truly to myself and that felt like home. So many roles. Yet so many strong feelings of a lack of being and meaning.

I was a lost soul. The demons in my mind let me know it each and every day until one day I tried to silence them. After getting on a train to outrun my extremely loud and troubled mind, followed by a suicide attempt which left medical professionals shocked that I was still alive, I had a moment when leaving the hospital where I saw the close dimensions between life and death, and had a new understanding of what it meant to be alive.

I started writing this book the day after I left the hospital. Each page filled with the raw emotions and unpredictable chaos that was running through my mind during those pivotal days of recovery and healing.

I also started writing this book as a new author. Although I had always had a keen interest in literature, particularly poetry, I had not just started a journey of healing but also a journey of becoming a published author. Writing became my sanctuary and release. More so the title of the author became a part of my identity which I felt truly resonated to my soul.

When making the decision to write this book, I had two strong inherent motivations. The first was to serve as a release for the emotional torment I felt, deeply rooted to my core. As if writing the words of anguish was some form of ritualistic release. Where once the book was completed, I would feel a sense or serenity. I was a strong believer that what we do not confront will follow us in the darkest of ink into every chapter of our lives.

My second motivation was the purpose to help to heal others with my words. To let others know that this is a story where we turn the pages together.

This acknowledgement is for my very talented illustrator, Krykos, who helped bring my book and my story to life.

The only good soul is a lost soul, and only a lost soul can find its way home.

Trebor Healey

IDENTITY

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My name is Rudo. This means love. I was born on Valentine’s Day, which I always thought was very fitting. My grandad named me.

I am thirty years old.

I live in a small city in England called Lincoln.

My mother came to London from Zimbabwe when she was eighteen to study nursing.

My dad is originally from a small town in England called Runcorn.

My mother moved to Lincolnshire to work as a nurse. My dad moved to Lincolnshire to join the Royal Air Force.

They met in McDonald’s, and their first date was to watch the film Mannequin.

I have one older brother who is two years older than me, and lives with his American wife in Seattle. They met whilst travelling around Europe.

I have three children. I had always wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember.

I have always been a single parent.

My favourite colour is yellow.

I love milkshakes (99.9% of the flavours too).

I have a fascination with space.

The way in which sound does not travel in space.

That one million earths could fit inside the