Co-Dependency, Abuse, and Addictions

By DEBORAH EUSTACE WOLLNIK

Co-dependency is an unhealthy attachment to another person to make oneself feel whole. It revolves around what a person can get from someone else by giving them something in return. Such relationships are unwholesome from a moral and spiritual perspective since neither party is willing to be truthful. Both parties are uncaringly clinging to whatever they are getting (money, sex, financial support, friendship, admiration, etcetera). These relationships are fraught with self-indulgence, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, child, and substance abuse which will undoubtedly harm the body and the mind.

Abuse is a learned behavior. Abusing someone or substances is not a person's behavior walking in fellowship with the Lord. Any relationship plagued by any form of abuse or addictive behaviors will eventually have to choose one of three paths: one, the abuser or addict confesses they are at fault…; two, separation from the abuser or addict … Or, three, the abuse or addiction is allowed to continue indefinitely to the harm of both parties…

The abuser or addict will only change through genuine repentance and the Lord's saving grace. A person who can understand the nature of their sin will feel godly sorrow that leads to repentance, salvation, and a clear conscience. Change is a personal choice that we must seek, and accepting the abuse is not the way to go. The human view is that we can do "something" to change things in our power. We simply cannot! "Jesus the Word," tells us that only doing things God's way brings true peace that lasts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DEBORAH EUSTACE WOLLNIK
• Release date: Jan 25, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201183752

DEBORAH EUSTACE WOLLNIK

I am an overcomer of severe past emotional and physical abuse which I strongly oppose, praise the Lord, and have gained extensive experience. Abuse stems from selfish desires. CO-DEPENDENCY, ABUSE, AND ADDICTIONS describes several types of destructive relationship patterns, also abuse and addictions that leave a trail of devastation behind. Dysfunctional families or relationships are fraught with co-dependency, addiction, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, child abuse, violence, and many broken relationships due to the absence of safe boundaries. These traits are akin to a millstone around the neck, dragging the child toward the same sinful patterns as their dysfunctional parents. AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY I strongly oppose, praise the Lord, and have gained extensive experience. The abuse stems from selfish desires. Furthermore, I have in the past been involved in prison and orphan ministries. As a Christian, I believe that the Bible is the final authority on all things and not man and thus believe in Nouthetic (Biblical) counseling when it comes to seeking answers to our everyday problems.” Jesus the Word” brings healing to those who go in search of the truth that will set them free. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (KJV) says, “All scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works” MOTIVATION: What motivates my writing first and foremost is to glorify our loving and merciful Triune God. Reaching out to the lost, broken-hearted, and downtrodden by planting seeds that point people to Christ His only begotten Son who came to set the captives free is indeed a worthy cause, of which forms part of the great commission. Once set free, you are free indeed.

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Synopsis

Co-dependency is an unhealthy attachment to another person to make oneself feel whole. It revolves around what a person can get from someone else by giving them something in return. From a moral and spiritual perspective, such relationships are unwholesome since neither party is willing to be truthful. Both parties are uncaringly clinging to whatever they get (money, sex, financial support, friendship, admiration, etcetera). These relationships are fraught with self-indulgence, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, child, and substance abuse which will undoubtedly harm the body and the mind.

Abuse is a learned behavior. Abusing someone or substances is not a person's behavior walking in fellowship with the Lord. Any relationship plagued by abuse or addictive behaviors will eventually have to choose one of three paths: one, the abuser or addict confesses they are at fault... two, separation from the abuser or addict. Or, three, the abuse or addiction is allowed to continue indefinitely to harm both parties.

The abuser or addict will only change through genuine repentance and God's saving grace. A person who can understand the nature of their sin will feel godly sorrow that leads to repentance, salvation, and a clear conscience. Change is a personal choice that we must seek, and accepting the abuse is not the way to go. The human view is that we can do something to change things in our power. We simply cannot! Jesus the Word tells us that only doing things God's way brings true peace that lasts.

Cycle of Generational Curses

The Lord created humankind in His image. However, humanity is born into a fallen world are born in a natural sinful state and thus can only be redeemed by our Creator. All are dysfunctional and fall short of God's grace due to our natural state. We all are born selfish at best and pathological at its worst. Salvation through Jesus Christ, our Lord, and Savior, is the only cure to break generational sin.

Jesus offers us unconditional love instead of conditional love, forgiveness, and the cleansing of our sins. Furthermore, He gives His followers (Christians) His power to graciously and compassionately love as He does. Rather than seeking our selfish desires or pleasures and love of self (1 John 1:9; John 13:34).

The Lord's infallible Word tells us that the destructive consequences of sin are passed on from one generation to the next (Jeremiah 32:18). These repeated sins hurt the person sinning and those around them. Each generation does have the choice of whether they will allow their natural inclination to repeat the destructive cycle of their birth family or seek out a better way to live their lives. Being raised in families who embrace a process of sinful habits can confuse those wanting to break free from the negative impact of sinful patterns. Breaking the generational cycle can bring about division within the family when one or more people choose to follow Jesus instead of family traditions, as is what happened with me. One needs to count the cost of discipleship which is not an easy path but most certainly a path worth following. In hindsight, I never lost anything but gained more than I could ever have hoped for (See Luke 12:51-53).

Irrespective of what the world says, recognizing and breaking sinful patterns in families without Jesus is impossible. We are nothing apart from His wisdom and can do nothing without His power to break the grip of sin each of us battles daily. We, as sinners, are unable to grasp or see the depth of humankind's utter depravity. Salvation is the first step in the right direction to breaking the generational cycle of sin. As believers, we seek to follow biblical principles for our everyday lives moving forward through daily Bible study so we can unlearn our old destructive ways. Believers are called to submit one to another out of reverence for Christ as God instructs family members to love and honor one another. We care for each one's needs as we care for our own needs. As we come into the will of God our Father by obeying His commands, we begin to form loving relationships filled with peace, joy, and hope just as God intended. The kind of peace and fulfillment from Jesus cannot be found outside of His will because our carnal sin is what damages the family system God created for us. 

Following Christ is our only way to break the generational curse and produce a family that will bear good fruit. The fruit of the Holy Spirit within the believer sows blessings for generations to come free from the cycle of dysfunction and pain. 

For what we reap, so shall we sow (Galatians 6:7-9). Godly parents who lovingly train the children's footsteps in the way they must go will witness their adult children applying divine wisdom to their everyday choices as they thrive (Proverbs 22:6). These children love and honor their parents, who loved and patiently trained them. Ungodly parents who neglect their duties in raising children responsibly and according to God's ways will reap a harvest of heartache. Wounds from past hurts are challenging to overcome. However, all things are possible for those who believe in Christ.

Honoring abusive family members is not easy in our strength or sacrificing our desires. Daily Bible study is imperative for a new believer in Christ as it transforms our old way of thinking and helps us die to our prideful, selfish ways as we surrender to the truths.

Sowing seeds of living an irresponsible lifestyle filled with instant gratification leads to emotional ruin and spiritual bankruptcy, which has eternal consequences. Unconfessed sin does not miraculously disappear on its own. You cannot live a self-indulgent, irresponsible lifestyle and expect a free pass into heaven. Victory only comes when we enter a personal relationship with Jesus the Word, who convicts us of our sins that need confessing and redeems us. 

Christians must be willing to deny themselves and live for Jesus Christ (Matthew 16:24–25). We no longer choose to live for what pleases our fleshly desires but rather for what pleases Jesus Christ, our Lord, and Savior. Our gracious Lord gives wisdom to those who ask Him so that we can make daily choices to obey Him in all they do (Luke 1:17; James 1:5; 3:17). When we willfully follow Christ, everything will work for our good for those called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). Because of who we are in Christ, believers can pleasingly conduct themselves as children of God (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 6:17–18). Our true family is no longer our birth family, but the body of Christ is, with God as our Heavenly Father, and we as His adopted children. Our choice to follow Christ is the greatest gift we can pass on to future generations.

Generational curses are mentioned in the Bible (Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; Deuteronomy 5:9). Where God warns that He is a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me. How this happens is quite simple. All that we learn starts in our family home, where sin's effects are naturally passed down through the generations. When an ungodly father or mother leads a sinful lifestyle, their offspring habitually follow the same sinful lifestyle. Rebellious children naturally choose to repeat the sins of their wayward fathers or mothers. Consequently, it is not unjust for a Holy God to punish sin to the third or fourth generation since those lost generations commit the same sins as their ancestors did.

The only cure to a generational curse is repentance of the sin in question, faith in Christ, salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, and a life consecrated to Christ (Romans 12:1-2). A Christian becomes a new creation in Christ when they are saved, a transformation takes place (2 Corinthians 5:17). From the minute we place our faith in Christ, believers are in the process of sanctification and are conformed by the Holy Spirit into the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). Sanctification in this lifetime will never be fully complete; hence believers will constantly struggle with remaining sin. See Romans 7:15–25. The good news is that children of God are no longer under God's curse (Romans 8:1) 

We all are guilty of sin in many ways (James 3:2). We all struggle differently with sin. For some, it may be gossip, whereas, for others, it is lying or fits of anger. The sin that is predominantly hard for us to overcome is what we term habitual sin developed during our lives as unbelievers. Praying for more grace and self-discipline to overcome these sins is required.

Transformation, as mentioned above, takes place within the believer (Romans 6:11); therefore, we must consider ourselves dead to sin, We were at one time unbelievers' slaves to sin, but now as believers, we are slaves to righteousness (Romans 6:17–18). At the cross of Calvary, the power of sin was broken; praise the Lord! And, in becoming Christians, we have been set free from sin's grip over us. As a result, when a Christian sins, there is no excuse for they have willfully submitted themself to sin's dominion (Galatians 5:1).

Apart from Christ, we are nothing and therefore can do nothing and need to rely on the power of God's Holy Spirit, who dwells within us to overcome sin. 

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out (Romans 7:18).

The Christian's struggle against sin is such that our capacity does not match our desire. Hence, we need the power of the Holy Spirit that indwells within (Romans 8:11). Through God's living Word, the Holy Spirit, the Bible (John 17:17), works sanctification in the people of God. Habitual sin is only overcome when we willfully submit ourselves to God and refuse the temptations of our flesh (James 4:7–8).

As Christians, we must make a conscious effort to avoid all the things that tempt us to sin; we must become aware of our old and new weaknesses to break or stop bad habits. (Matthew 5:29–30). To live victoriously, we must try to change the habits that lead to habitual sin. Remove whatever can become a hindrance to your walk with Christ from your life.

Immersing ourselves in the infallible truths found in Scripture daily is our only lifeline and therefore essential. Jesus the Word' saves lives and sanctifies those chosen (Romans 16:25). We are deceived if we believe we are saved by grace but sanctified by our efforts (Galatians 3:1–3). Both Sanctification and justification are a work of God. Jesus the word" promises that He who began a good work in you will complete it on the last day (Philippians 1:6). All praise and glory be to Him now and forever. 

Amen

Overcoming Self-Gratification, And Repentance

Aren’t we all guilty of living an overindulgent lifestyle filled with self-gratification? If we all dare to be honest enough with ourselves each one of us is or has been addicted to something which becomes an idol which we will investigate later in this book.  And we all come with our own set of hurts, habits, and hang-ups (past or present) for not one of us is perfect. So rather than sitting in self-righteous hypocritical judgment of others, it would do us all well to clean up our own house first. John 8:7 says, He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone...

I can, without doubt, testify that Jesus the Word, the Bible, healed me and set me free from the chains that bound me. Jesus the Word is primarily my Savior and High Priest.

Parents of prodigal sons and daughters:

Let your prodigal children go and pray for them. There is no point in throwing down the gauntlet and holding them prisoner won't change their heart.

Deal with your emotions.

Take the bad with the good for we all fall short.

Don’t protect them or enable their bad behavior but allow them to fail.

Have faith and hope, be expectant.

Don't rescue your prodigal children too soon.

Offer grace and love them unconditionally.

Before exploring the various elements that make up co-dependency later, I thought I would start with the Good News. For after every storm, there is hope in the transformation from sinner to saint. 

Those likely to pick up this book and read it are the children who left home to lead a prodigal, or an extravagant life as did I and many others but later make a repentant return. I am no longer a slave to sin but am a child of God. Praise the Lord!

The parable of the prodigal son bent on self-gratification is the most familiar and beloved of all Christ’s parables. It is one of the most extended and most detailed parables. Unlike most parables, it has lessons that we could all learn from. (Luke 15:11–24) 

But first, let us look at the Narrow is the way: Jesus Christ continually stressed the difficulty of following Him (John 15:18-19; 16:1-3; Acts 14:22). Salvation is by grace alone and is not easy. It calls for knowledge of the biblical truth, repentance, submission to Christ as Lord, and a willingness to obey His will and Word. 

We all know sin comes naturally to us. One needs to look around us to see the world has gone mashugana (crazy in Hebrew) and is filled with all forms of evil wrapped up in a ribbon to entice the ignorant. The television, which people have become addicted to, has become their god. Many of the programs are filled with blasphemy, cursing, casual sex, violence, etcetera, and are not fitting to watch. 

Most youngsters lack proper role models and will base their idea of life and marriage on what they feed into their minds by watching dysfunctional family shows on their screens. Mind control is fervently practiced. 

Alcohol is being sold in grocery stores. Young people’s heroes advertise an assortment of alcohol and cause the youngsters to believe it is acceptable. If we do not practice self-discipline to walk with Christ, then sadly, we will stumble around on the broad road, which leads to our destruction here on earth and in the afterlife. 1 Thessalonians 4:7 tells us, For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.

God does not choose to have lukewarm people half-heartedly following Him with one foot pointed toward heaven and the other toward hell. He seeks people with pure intentions, who steadfastly stay on the narrow path of righteousness. Followers who have their eyes constantly focused on an eternal life spent with Him.

Truthfully, many are on the broad path of life through choice, and like the prodigal son, have gotten what they want. He approached his father and asked for his inheritance before it was due to him to spend on the self-indulgent lifestyle he desired. His money won him many fair-weather friends who got to enjoy his inheritance with him. He stubbornly rebelled against the authority figures in his life and wanted freedom from rules to live life on his terms. 

When we begin a personal relationship with God and grow closer to Him, we will start to understand that self-indulgence comes to kill, steal, and destroy our peace and joy in life and brings with it severe consequences. On the other hand, Godly gratification provides an everlasting joy that includes divine wisdom, spiritual maturity, and a clear conscience. Pleasure is another gift from God (James 1:17). When we trust God to supply our every need, we can enjoy His good gifts without remorse or reluctance.

Self-indulgence is the act of fulfilling one’s needs. Each living thing seeks self-gratification as a matter of continued existence. We feel famished, so we find nourishment. We are feeling thirst, so we search for something with which to quench our thirst. God wired our brains so that when our needs are met, we feel content. Seeking fulfillment in pleasure is not wrong until the means to do so crosses a line. Discerning exactly where that line can be complex; however, the Bible gives clear guiding principles that help us pinpoint it.

Thankfully, humanity is created in the image of God and has been given a spirit that is capable of loving, discerning, reasoning, and choosing to be unselfish; that is correct, we can choose to be unselfish. God is a Spirit, as are we. Thus, we can communicate with God (Romans 8:16; Revelation 3:20). God has given us a conscience as our moral compass so that we can know right and wrong (Genesis 1:27). 

We all know deep within ourselves when what we are about to do is right or wrong; you don’t believe me? 

Let me ask you this, would you do what you do in secret in the public eye? 

Would you be comfortable with your thought life being visible to all and sundry? 

I did not think so.

Self-pleasure or self-gratification is selfishly living according to the lusts of the flesh.

Survival pushes us to eat when we are starving; self-indulgence hints that we give ourselves over to gluttony and overindulgence because it tastes good, whether food or beverage. Self-protection drives us to build dwellings that keep us warm and dry; self-gratification drives us to build a bigger, better house than somebody else has. In our marriage, self-gratification draws us to sexual unification with our significant other to create intimacy and bring offspring into that relationship. Outside of marriage, pleasure-seeking pursues the sexual act for itself, stripped from its design and purpose.

Self-gratification and overindulgence are sinful. Living to please ourselves should not be the driving force of our natural life here on earth. God created us to enter a personal relationship with Him and to please Him by the way we live, not ourselves (1 Corinthians 10:31). Imagine if your spouse or the children you conceived lived to please only themselves to the exclusion of giving any thought to you; how would you feel? 

Rejected, jealous, betrayed, even hated?

Psalm 139:13-14 says this of God our Creator, For You formed my inward parts, You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.

Now imagine how God who fashioned you with His own hands in your mother’s womb feels when you fail to acknowledge Him and give thanks or praise to Him for all He has done for you.

Eventual satisfaction comes from dying to our self-sins which gratify our flesh and surrendering to God and His higher purposes for our lives. (Luke 9:23). Living our lives according to God’s statutes and in line with the prompting of the Holy Spirit makes it easier for us to identify when our desire for self-indulgence comes into conflict with what Jesus the Word requires of believers. (Galatians 5:16–25). 

Christians have by this time made their choice about whose desires should reign in their lives (Ephesians 5:10–11). As followers of Jesus, when we bow at the cross and surrender our lives to His Lordship, we willingly lay down our rights to please ourselves. Instead, we choose to lean on, rely on, and trust in God as we hand over our desires to the One who loves us most (Philippians 4:19).

Those who insist on living for self-pleasure cannot comprehend the source of true joy and do not know what they are missing. Selfish people believe that fulfilling their own needs and doing things their way will bring them happiness. Sadly, when we are inclined to focus on our desires, it creates an attitude of selfish self-centeredness to the exclusion of others whereby our desires are more important than the needs of those around us. (Romans 12:3; Philippians 2:3–4). While self-pleasure might consist of acting humanely, that benevolence will hardly ever include personal sacrifice or placing someone else’s needs before one’s own. Before long, unpleasant consequences start to amass in the life of those who are slaves to sin. (John 8:34; Romans 6:16). Unfortunately, when self-gratification has become a god in your life, each choice you make bows in worship and is akin to idolatry.

God’s solution is the death of our old nature (1 Peter 2:24; Romans 6:1–6). The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life cannot be purified or transformed; it must die for us to live by the Holy Spirit. Jesus said that knowing Him is to be willing to die to self-daily and take up our cross and follow Him (Luke 9:23; Matthew 16:24). Abstinence and self-control are the opposite of pleasure-seeking self-gratification. Furthermore, it results in a deeper kind of joy (Acts 5:41). 

Self-denial is not a life without pleasure; it signifies that our focus has shifted. Self-gratification makes choices based