The Book of Gouval: The Castle: The Books of Gouval, #2

By Lord Gouval

"We're fucked." I threw an empty beer bottle into the grave Uncle Doc were digging. I were sitting on the hood of my jet-black custom Audi R8, parked adjacent to an ominous cactus in the Mojave Desert. Dr. Dad were crying on the hood of his banana yellow Murcielago—the corpse of my mother in the trunk.

Set in an Ireland where the IRA successfully ousted the UK, Mike Vinn is born to Dr. Dad and a heroin addict in Ballycastle. Follow Mike's journey from a troubled child enjoying videogames, to becoming Ireland's first teenage multi-millionaire, all the way to the violent, shocking climax. The Castle is a tour de force--soldifying Lord Gouval's mission statement: Gouval Inc. Ain't Nuthin' Ta Fuck Wit.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gouval Inc. Press
• Release date: Dec 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201420109

Book preview

We’re fucked. I threw an empty beer bottle into the grave Uncle Doc were digging. I were sitting on the hood of my jet-black custom Audi R8, parked adjacent to an ominous cactus in the Mojave Desert. Dr. Dad were crying on the hood of his banana yellow Murcielago—the corpse of my mother in the trunk.

Fear not good nephew.. I say we blow up the Lambo and cut our losses. Doc said ‘fuck this shit’ while stepping out the foot deep hole. Dr. Dad were inconsolable. I opened another beer while tossing a fresh one to the good uncle.

Do we have any other fucking option? I tried forcing some sense into the good dad. We were in no position to bury bodies. We’d gone to such extremes our only option were to go even further—to reach such an extent of madness that we’d simply baffle the american press while coasting safely back to Ireland.

Doc smashed the shovel upside Dr. Dad’s head as Bobby Steels, Lex Diamonds and Dr. Starks peeled up in a silver Phantom—fording waves of thick molten sand. Bobby hopped out first—bearing his black marble walking cane with the spherical gold ornament—and asked if it were as bad the news were saying. Dr. Starks were helping lawyer Lex with tossing Dr. Dad into the Phantom’s backseat. We didn’t have time for dealing with emotional variables.

Her body’s in the trunk. I gestured a blind thumb towards the Lambo while Doc started dousing it in gasoline. Bobby got on the horn with the pilot of our private jet—asking him to pick us up ASAP. Drats.. double drats.. that meant I’d have to blow up the R8 too. That will be the saddest part of my story, I decided.

How did we get here? Sweating fear in the Mojave Desert when we should’ve been living life peacefully in Ireland? That story starts when I were a bad idea.

So now I’m a bad idea. Dr. Dad were born in Ireland, though his parents had left him on the doorstep of a bar in Belfast. Grammy Sandy and Grandpa Collin had found him, and decided to adopt the bundle in a basket. They already had two children—Andie and Doc, Andie being two years older than Doc and his soon to be brother. My grandpa had been a General in the newly reformed IRA—which were heavily funded by Bobby Steels—and with his backing they were able to drive the British out of our fair homeland. Grandpa Collin died during the war, and ever since then Grammy had lived with Bobby, Andie and Doc in Bobby’s castle in Ballycastle. Dr. Dad moved to Southern California upon graduating from high school to attend UCLA—aiming to attain his doctorate. There he met Dr. Starks and Lex, who were an up and coming lawyer known for specializing in social justice cases—as his father had before him in the tumultuous sixties. Dr. Starks were a Filipino midget with jaundiced skin. His bladder literally exploded at the age of sixteen from drinking too much tequila—leaving his skin a pale yellow tint. He kept on drinking though, regardless of the warnings about ‘one more drink and you’ll..’ He still out drinks people twice his size on a daily basis. Lex had grown up in Alabama—his father a famous Kenyan lawyer, and his mother a Creole chef who owned a local restaurant. The three made for fast friends—as they were all relative misfits at UCLA, along with my mother—Mellissa Razzari. She were a foreigner like my father—born in Milan to a wealthy family. They’d raised her in a very strict catholic environment, so once she arrived in LA—about eighteen years of pent up urges to rebel finally broke out and she started doing heroin. She were a film student at the time, and took a liking to my father. Both Lex and Dr. Starks have told me she were a beautiful, vivacious woman back then—a fun person to hang around. Soon the junk warped her personality to the point she’d sell her own son to a pedophile priest for a gram of smack.

Dr. Dad did Lex a solid and introduced him to Bobby. Lex and him hit it off, and Bobby made him his personal lawyer. Lex left for Ireland while Dr. Dad and Starks set up an office just outside Culver City. Doc had entered the liquor business—thanks to Bobby—and were now the proud owner of Doc’s Distillery and Brewing Company—which soon became so powerful he absorbed Guinness and Jameson after a year of business. Bobby had a stern ‘fuck america’ ethic, and after killing all import and exports, those two companies weakened to the point they were more than willing to accept Doc’s offers. He still lived in the castle with his mother, as Andie had also left for California—San Francisco to be exact, where she met her wife, Dee Swanson. There’s no apparent homophobia in Ireland, though it’s still nothing like San Francisco.. the only city in the world you can sit in a café and watch naked people riding a five speed down the street. Her and Dee married in Ireland, and settled down in the castle. Shortly after the marriage, Dee’s Swedish parents died and she inherited a massive fortune. Now, her parents lived in Switzerland, so only Dee—who were still a citizen of Sweden—received any money. Kate—her younger sister still trying to scrape by as a waitress in Orange County received absolutely nothing, and had no way of contacting her older sister for help. The castle’s number isn’t listed, and this was before cellphones existed.

Dr. Dad and Mellissa were married in a Los Angeles county court in 1993—Dr. Starks the lone witness. She were a stone cold junky at this point, though Dr. Dad understood the nature of addiction and bought the heroin for her. Why’d he do that? Cause in all likeliness she would’ve sucked off dealers for hits while he were at work. Dr. Starks never mentioned the obviously detrimental nature of his best friend’s marital life, though could tell it were slowly starting to wear on him. It’s difficult watching the person you love more than anything covet a substance more than they could ever care about you, and she would’ve traded my dad in for a magic silk tie that perfectly exposed her withering veins. She were just a corpse capable of reaching for a needle and spoon at that point—completely gone—no longer the woman my father had fallen in love with.

One morning, Mellissa’s moving more than usual—running to the toilet to puke.. she didn’t drink, so Dr. Dad found that odd.. out of curiosity, he bought a pregnancy test. She peed on it and.. that’s when things got complicated. You can’t shoot smack while prego, and even if you stop—there’s still a chance the kid’s gonna end up an inherent junky. Mellissa wanted an abortion. Dr. Dad was like ‘..I wanna be a dad, you know.. with you the mom’—thinking some maternal gene in Mellissa would spark her road to recovery. The kid were secondary—reviving the Mellissa he first met were what mattered to him.

He convinced her to attempt at getting clean in Ballycastle—where she’d have absolutely no support cause Grammy hated her guts. She were very pro-me, and upon hearing Mellissa wanted an abortion so she could keep doing heroin, Grammy smacked her out cold. It were a difficult nine months for everyone. They watched Mellissa like a hawk, Lex was like ‘you gotta divorce that bitch’ to the good dad. Dr. Dad still loved her, and his final hope were she’d stop being a demented wench and actually attempt at being a mother to me.. yeah that weren’t gonna happen. She were constantly trying to escape the castle—crying and screaming about being held prisoner.. hehe.. she tried calling her parents in Milan one time—explaining the situation to them. ‘You’re living in Bobby Steel’s castle? And you’re married to a doctor?.. we don’t care if you’re a junky idiot. Get clean and we’ll accept you like a female Simba.’ My Italian grandparents have a good sense of humor. I’ve never met them, though Dr. Dad said he found her phone calls to them amusing.

On the rainy Monday evening of April 11th, 1994, Dr. Dad pulled me head first from my first apartment.. dude it was hell in there. Bitch were trying to starve me.. what’s this cord thing.. ow.. careful with those scissors buddy.. Hi Grammy!.. and Grammy’s finally taking the opportunity to beat Mellissa stupid. Auntie Andie’s trying to hold the fifty-six year old stoner back.. Dee’s taking pictures. Where’re we going? Don’t I get a blue beanie? The brochure said that were standard procedure. Dr. Dad were taking me to the lab for some tests—making sure I hadn’t been born with junky cells. Dude I’m all good.. hungry but good. Set me up with some tits. The pamphlet clearly said that’s what comes after the blue beanie. I’m not even swaddled right. You’re getting a C- score at the moment. I were perfectly healthy, and Mellissa were tossed out the castle after Dr. Starks deemed her stable enough to call a cab, in town, about five miles from the castle. Dr. Dad thankfully came to the realization it were best I not be raised by someone who wanted nothing to do with me in the first place. After a day in the lab, he brought me out—Grammy swaddled in a blue blankie with my beanie on—to meet the others. Alright so I see two six foot tall super models with huge feed-bags.. I get one of them, right? Which one’s your sister.. the one with merlot red hair, tan skin and beautiful green eyes.. so the one with curly brunette hair, ocean blue eyes and a eminently positive vibe is mine, right? Hi Dee.. yes you can hold me.. I know I’m adorable but I’m also hungry so.. what’s this?.. a fucking bottle? Whoa whoa whoa.. the pamphlet said that were a worst case scenario thing.. you smell nice Dee.. thanks for tipping the heavy bottle up for me.

He’s all good? Doc asked while making a funny face above me. I looked at Dee. Is that supposed to amuse me or.. is he retarded?

He’s fine.. hasn’t cried once too. Dr. Dad smiled in pride while Dee passed me to Grammy. Hi Grammy. Thanks for getting my swaddle right. I love feeling wrapped up in a burrito.

He looks like a dago. Grammy grimaced while rocking me around. What’s a dago? Dad should I be offended by that? I can’t help this beautiful Mediterranean tan skin and luscious black curls.

Mom! Andie probably felt as if she were shaming a brick wall there. Grammy’s very blunt and always says exactly what she’s thinking.

I’m just saying.. he’ll be the first dago with an Irish accent. Grammy shrugged while Dee handed me a purple rattle. Alright so this is dope, right? Makes noises I like, and I think I’ll have it double as a magic wand.. when I’m strong enough to hold it. Dee picked it up off the short grey carpet, then handed it to Dr. Dad cause he felt the need to sanitize anything I touched.

I kinda want one.. Dee looked at Andie like ‘wouldn’t it be cute?’ Hold your horses there sweetheart. The brochure mentioned something about a mom, and I assume mine were the rather sickly looking drug addict Grammy whooped. So you’re mom now, right? I don’t want siblings.

You have one. Grammy handed me back to Dee like ‘one grandson, that’s enough.’ See? She agrees with me.

Wouldn’t you like a sister Mikey? Dee smiled at me. I looked around for my wand so I could cast a spell on her.. she tucked my little arm back into the swaddle.

You wanna change more than one diaper? I don’t. Andie shook her head while sipping from her stemless wine goblet. I burped. Dee gushed a little while squeezing me against her. Careful.. the bones are still soft here.

Dee turned me towards the garage door across the room as two more beautiful women ran in—both with long, thick curly hair—one dark-brunette, one pale-blonde.

He’s so cute!! Daisy smiled at me. I nodded while Dee handed me over. Daisy and Hailey were Andie’s high school friends, and local glassblowers. Weed—and all drugs—were legal in Ireland, and they made a good living crafting one of a kind pieces.

Is that bitch gone? Hailey looked around for the junky. Daisy made a silly face at me and I made my happy noise. She danced around while gushing like ‘that’s just too cute.’ Doc: ‘That—that right there is the ultimate wingman.’ Dr. Dad rolled his eyes while accepting a beer from Grammy.

Sandy kicked her ass before throwing her out.. so now I’m his mom. Dee smiled at me. ‘How come we look nothing alike mom?’ ‘I was disappointed too..’ ‘So you fucked Dr. Dad?’ ‘..you’re a product of immaculate conception, though I were the mother and Dr. Dad were in the room.’ ‘Makes perfect sense..’

I’m not gonna lie to him, so don’t.. tell him you’re mom when his mom’s A FUCKING BITCH!! Dr. Dad threw his empty bottle against the wall. Daisy looked at me. ‘Are you gonna cry?’ Na I’m chill. If I cried over raging voices and broken glass.. I would’ve cried a lot.

Damn right! All the good nephew needs is the good uncle. Doc patted his chest. ‘He’s fucked’—Grammy thought to herself while sweeping up the glass. Do you not see all my house bitches Grammy? I’ve got it made here. Fuck that junky.

Don’t be like your uncle.. he smells. Daisy whispered—pushing her widened eyes against mine. I widened my own against those huge forest-green saucers. She smiled and kissed my head. I yawned, and decided to take a power nap.

Two years passed by smoothly enough. Dr. Dad burned his american citizenship—somewhat nullifying his marriage to Mellissa, who we hadn’t heard from. Doc got fat as fuck for a while there.. it were bad. You can be a pudgy lazy-drunk and make it work.. looking like you’re one Twinkie away from type 2 diabetes is not acceptable. Starks told him it were time for some light cardio, lest he die from a heart-attack at 35. I were walking, talking and casting spells with my purple rattle. Daisy and Hailey now lived in the castle—always playing with and making me happy. Thankfully after Dee changed my diaper once, she was like ‘..I wanted another one of these things?.. ew’. Baby Sharko refuses to share his toys.. I did have a cool stuffed shark though. Named him Louie. He were my side-kick in the ongoing battle against the ghoul who gave me bad dreams.. he were a mean warlock and seemingly immune to my spells, but I were getting better—dipped into alchemy and employed some frogs I met outside.

When’s the last time you called your sister? Andie asked one day—her and Dee on the couch while Daisy and Hailey sat with me on the thick black blanket—Tombstone playing on the TV. I casted a spell at Val Kilmer, then rolled the dice Daisy handed me. ‘That’s four! One, two, three, four!’ ..alright I think I got that now.

Never. I don’t like her. Dee were stoned and shook her head lazily. I rolled again. ‘That’s six!’ Ok so two threes equals a six? I’m getting the hang of this.

Well you could at least call and rub living in an Irish castle in her face. Andie shrugged while shaking an empty wine bottle above her glass. Hailey grabbed my left foot and shook it around. I were rocking white footie jammies with little smiley giraffes and elephants on them.

I don’t even wanna do that.. remember that episode of The Brady Bunch? ‘Marsha Marsha Marsha’.. that was me. Dee grimaced, then accepted a tumbler of whisky from Grammy, who then handed me a little bowl of animal crackers. I thanked her while she kissed my head, then offered Daisy a monkey and Hailey a bear.

Does she even know your parents are dead and you’re sitting on their millions? Grammy asked while flopping onto the couch. Starks were whipping Doc out there on his second treadmill. He broke the first one. We had faith in him. Not much, though the sentiment were there.

Shh.. Dee looked around for spies. Andie chuckled to herself, thinking ‘yeah.. maybe it’s best Kate remain ignorant.’

..she looks a lot like Dee? Dr. Dad squinted at an Irish pub in Orange County—there to sell off his old office with Lex. Lex looked up from some documents to observe the obviously stressed woman in her early twenties waiting tables. Didn’t Dee mention a sister?

..I think? Let’s try it.. Ms. Swanson! Dr. Dad called out randomly. Kate turned and squinted at them—holding a couple pints. Lex waved her over. Kate delivered the beer, then went to see just how these strangers knew her name.

You’re Dee’s sister? Dr. Dad asked after downing a shot of Jack.. you couldn’t order Irish whisky anywhere but Ireland anymore.

You know where she is?? Now Kate were interested. Lex explained she lived in Ireland with the good doctor’s sister.. then pushed the corners of his lips out as steam seemingly eeped out Kate’s ears.

Can I please talk to her? It’s important. Kate said as calmly she could. Dr. Dad shrugged while pulling out a satellite phone and dialing for the castle.

What’s this Mikey? Daisy smiled while showing me a camel cracker. The special international phone were ringing on the coffee table. Grammy snatched it—knowing it were the good dad. I told Daisy it were a pony. She smiled while feeding it to me.

You in jail? Grammy asked before hitting her beer.

What?.. no, we did meet Dee’s sister though, and she wants to talk. Dr. Dad squinted like ‘I’m a fucking doctor? There is no jail for us, especially when we’re eating lunch with famous attorneys.’

Grammy laughed her ass off at irony. Oh that’s rich. Hey, guess what? They ran into your sister over there. She wants to talk. Grammy handed Dee the phone. Dee shook a fist at irony, then grimaced while accepting the phone.

Tell her I died last night. Dee slammed the phone down. Andie chuckled while getting up for a fresh bottle.

Uh.. I guess Dee’s sleeping right now.. time difference and all.. any message we could convey? Dr. Dad shrugged while pocketing that brick phone.

..hold on. Kate pulled out her order pad and started jotting. Once done, she folded it up thrice, and handed it to the good dad, Please don’t read it.. and thanks. She walked off to check on table three while Lex looked at the good dad. He handed him the note—knowing the pockets of his doctor’s coat were verifiable blackholes.

That was still funnier than shit.. oh chin up. It’s not like they’re gonna bring her back here. Grammy patted Dee’s shoulder. Dee were rubbing her eyes—really not wanting to interact with the younger sibling she’d tried drowning in their bath water on multiple occasions. I gestured my wand at her while looking at Daisy like ‘see?’ She patted my head, assuring me I wouldn’t be having any siblings. I nodded while picking up a duck-billed platypus cracker.

I guess Dee doesn’t like her.. should we read it? Dr. Dad whispered to Lex. Lex said we’d hand it to Dee and she’d likely reveal its contents. Dr. Dad shrugged while cutting into his fried cod.

They better not.. hold on. Dee grabbed the phone and dialed for her primary care provider.

Dr. Dad, if you’re calling to schedule an appointment..

Shut up, it’s Dee.. don’t—under any circumstances—bring her back here.. in fact if you have time, hit her with a car. Dee said while I walked up and pointed at the phone. She smiled while handing it to me. I held it with both hands like Grammy showed me.

Hi dad. I smiled—knowing he were on the other side of that line.

Hi Mike, how’re you doing? He smiled while Kate brought him another Jack shooter. Lex said he’d have another Red Hook.. then shook his head about not being able to order stout in a bloody Irish pub. Doc chuckled to himself while pounding his cinderblocks against that poor treadmill. Starks were ordering a third over the phone. ‘Another?’ ‘He’s like two hundred pounds overweight, and apparently you design these things for five year olds. We demand your finest model for free.’ ‘..half price.’ Starks said that were agreeable, and added they wanted it delivered by tonight.

I’m good. When are you coming home? I missed him.

I’ll be home by tonight.. is Starks around?

He’s playing that old guy from Rocky outside with Uncle Doc. I’ll go get him. Yay! I get to feel helpful. I handed Grammy the phone, then walked towards the sliding glass door.

So what’s the issue with Dee’s sister? Grammy asked—chuckling while Dee pulled her knees up and rested head to caps. I forced the door open, saluted my frog general, then walked up to Starks. ‘Dad wants to talk to you.’ He gave me dap, whipped Doc for good measure, then walked with me back inside. I felt official.

We don’t know. She gave us a note and asked to not read it.. she’s a waitress in Orange County. Dr. Dad shrugged, wondering how long that cod had been on ice before they fried it.

Sounds ominous.. Starks is here. Grammy handed him the phone. I sat back down between Daisy and Hailey—feeling as if I’d done my business for the day. Daisy kissed my head. I smiled, then rested against her for a power nap. She scooped me up onto her lap and held me close.

We got five million for that office. Dr. Dad whispered through a wide grin. Starks said he always had faith in him, then asked who bought it? Some nutjob named De La Hoya.. he had a dope Panama though. Dr. Dad shrugged while taking that shot. Lex were signing the check, and leaving Kate with a decent tip.

Starks said five million were five million, then handed Grammy the phone before walking back outside to keep the hamster rolling.

Get your ass back here.. I have the delousing powder ready. Grammy shook some can of white stuff around. Hailey tried casting a spell at Val. ‘Pop out the screen and be my boyfriend.’ Val shook his head, saying she couldn’t cast spells with my wand. Hailey grimaced.

We’re leaving after this.. jesus is that Doc? Dr. Dad squinted—hearing the dinosaur stomps coming from outside. I were dreaming about straddling a T-Rex—pointing my wand at the horde of raptors we were about to battle. Louie were ready for aquatic support.

He’s about to break.. and he just did. Grammy laughed while Doc screamed and flew off the snapped treadmill. Starks shook his head, then said round three started after dinner.

Doc broke another treadmill. Dr. Dad told Lex. Lex shook his head while stepping out the booth. Alright we’re leaving. Love you. Dr. Dad said before hanging up, then scurried towards the door so Kate couldn’t throw anymore notes at them.  

Your dad should be.. Grammy started while hanging the phone up, then smiled at noticing I were snoozing in Daisy’s lap.

I’m not looking forward to the day he asks about his mom. Hailey put my wand next to Daisy’s thigh.

He has us. She kissed my head. I were loved, yet still haunted.

I were awake when Dr. Dad and Lex walked in—sitting in my highchair with Grammy and Doc at the dining table.

Hi dad. I turned around to wave. He walked over to hug me. Lex put Kate’s note on the table.

How tempted are you? Doc grinned at Grammy while pouring a couple drinks for the travelers. Grammy were tapping her fingers against the redwood—weighing