Northern Dandy: Vaguely-Erotic Humor and Verse

By Zach Bartlett

The pages of a book may not be what Zach Bartlett meant when he said his stage work was going to get him "between the covers more often," but he'll take what he can get. Northern Dandy collects his body of bawdy work performed at Esoterotica, New Orleans' original outlet for sensual spoken word. Ranging from salacious

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sapiosexual/Esoterotica
• Release date: Apr 18, 2017
• ISBN: 9781513621333

Zach Bartlett

Zach Bartlett is a former New Englander living in New Orleans, where he frequently performs as part of the local reading series Esoterotica. His work has appeared in Gallery of Curiosities, Mad Scientist Journal, and three Fringe Festivals. Northern Dandy, a collection of his humorous stage work, was published in 2016.

Book preview

Table of Contents

Bustle and Flow: A Bodice-Ripper

Every Day I’m Goslin’: A Millennial Love Poem

Bawdy Mates from the Ocean State: Limericks

In-and-Outfomercial

That’s the Last Time I Hook Up with a–

Caesar? I Hardly Know ‘Er: A Toga Ripper

The Once and Future Rebound

The Bold Man and the Sea

Digging to China

Note Left on Fridge

Gods, Giving, and Game: A Chiton Misadventure

Mortals in Their Prime with Desperate Hands

A Rare Medium Well Done

Bouncing Soulmates: A Sestina

Oh, the Places You’ll Come

Acknowledgments

Author Bio

Bustle and Flow:

A Multiple-Choice Misadventure

You

are a strapping young butler named Reginald Thickstrut. You’re employed in a large manor house around whichever time period Downton Abbey takes place in. Hell if I know anything about that show.

You awake in the scullery one morning after having hid there to nurse a sore tailbone earned during your hasty exit from the Duchess’ chambers the previous evening. The fact that you have woken up assures you both that the Duke remains unaware of his wife’s ongoing tryst, and that the kitchen staff probably have the hots for you as well since they didn’t alert him to the fact that you were hiding there taking liberties with a bottle of cooking sherry.

While fixing your hair, collar, tie, cufflinks, lapel, pocket square, buttoniere, tie pin, and cumberbundt using your reflection in a polished serving tray, you notice that Bettina the maid is sneaking a glance at you from the pantry door.

See anything you like, madam? you say, cocking your eye while she’s eyeing your. . . serving tray, which she plucks from the counter before you.

Good to see you’ve recuperated, she says over her shoulder in a trashily-alluring cockney accent that I won’t try to reproduce on the page. She sets the tray on the kitchen counter and begins to assemble the Duke’s typical breakfast, which you notice happens to include blood sausage.

what will you do?

Make a suggestive comment about the food to Bettina

or

Respect her personal boundaries

Make a suggestive comment about the food to Bettina

You

approach Bettina from behind, sliding your hands around her petite waist.

Good to see you know how to handl-

None ‘a yer gimcrackery, Thickstrut! she says, turning and slapping you across the face with the cold sausage. I’ve no time for rogering you in the stables. The Duke’s on a tear this morning, bellowing orders to everyone, all upset over that ghost what’s still haunting the family bedrooms.

Ah yes, you say, suppressing a smile, "the ghost."

His wife held another seance last night trying to get rid of it. It raised an awful protest like it always does, moaning and rhythmically slamming the furniture. She’d told him she’s not to be interrupted during the proceedings, but the Duke was so worried that he just had to barge in and make sure she didn’t come to harm. He got the door open just in time to see the ghost’s sheet disappearing out the open window.

You rub your lower back, remembering the event quite well.

"Maybe if she would just hire that red-headed medium to help them — ahem — her out more often…"

Don’t play coy with me; everybody but the Duke himself is on to what you and that monied strumpet are up to. Rolling around with the butler on the side, how trite. She slips out of your grasp with a hmph and takes the breakfast tray into the hallway.

what now?

Grab a feather duster and start butling

or

Grab a feather duster and chase Bettina trying to tickle her

~

Respect her personal boundaries

Um...

you do realize that you’re the Edwardian equivalent of a pool boy, right? You didn’t take this gig because you have a lifelong passion for the field. You’re here to serve as a