Red: The Story of Love, Life and Mental Illness

By Chelsea George

Welcome to the life of Scarlett Benjamin. A women of determination, strength and secrets. Being diagnosed with mental illness changed
her course. Her depression and anxiety, mixed with her triggering past causes a daily struggle of balance and tumbles. Now, she finds herself fighting for stability, progress and love in a sea of multi-colour. Follow her journey as she experiences the rollercoaster of colour that is her life while reflecting on her dark history. Moments in her life have always forced her to see black, but now she’s ready to shine RED.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 13, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664110472

Chelsea George

After being diagnosed with mental illness Chelsea worked hard to overcome her newly found stereotypes. While working to control her symptoms and fears she found the love of writing. Through this she was able to find a release while telling her story and being authentically transparent. Writing RED enabled her to see the potential that life could have regardless of her challenges. Chelsea's goal is to show society the inner mind of her mental illness and prove that she is unstoppable.

Book preview

Copyright © 2021 by Chelsea George.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,

recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the

product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance

to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 10/12/2021

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

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CONTENTS

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

To Dad, Jessica and Matthew. Thank you for supporting me

through all my colourful days. You made all this possible.

CHAPTER 1

Breathe, Scarlett Benjamin, it’s just a date, you’re not meeting the United Nations- you can do this!- I forcefully remind myself. Here I stand staring at myself in my bedroom mirror, giving myself the same speech that I have been reciting for the better part of forty-five minutes. Trying to belittle the importance of my date in the hopes that my anxiety will slowly slip away. If my nerves could just calm the hell down maybe dating wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe I wouldn’t feel sick to my stomach at the thought of leaving the house tonight. Alas, my nerves do not calm down easily, quickly or at all. My mind does not stop racing and I am on the brink of a major panic attack. My mantra is failing me and I feel the tears prick behind my eyes.

I try to cut myself some slack, I have been struggling for years with mental health and have come a long way. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. I have medical reasons to feel this anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of leaving the house. Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety has impacted my life. From suicide to mental collapses, it is a battle I fight on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, while some days I feel like my bed could swallow me whole and I would be a lot happier. Today… Well today it is kicking my ass. The nerves are overwhelming and I could cry, I’m so anxious about this damn date.

My day did not start off ridden with anxiety though. I actually woke up feeling no symptoms or tell-tale signs. It started like any other. I woke up and checked my emails, texts, social media and finally my dating apps. The last thing I have an extremely impressive love/hate relationship with. I have had less than stellar luck in the online dating department. I spend most of my dating life swiping on potential matches, left rather than right. I sit there hoping and praying that the one will hurry up and swipe on me too. However, no such luck up to this point. With saying this, imagine my surprise to see not one, not two but three messages from a ridiculously handsome man named David. He was a smoke show! Sexy eyes, an alluring smile and oh that hair. It made you want to run your fingers through it. I read his messages

Hey, your eyes and that smile have seriously made my morning

I hope I’m not coming across too strong, your bio and pictures just have me captivated

I would love to get to know you better, you seem like a really awesome woman

Cue the flutter in my stomach. I could feel the blush creep into my cheeks and I hoped this was not just a cliché line that David told all the girls. My response was super cool, I commented on my history of wearing braces resulting in a nice smile. This he miraculously LOL’d at. He then appreciated my compliments on his weight lifting photos. Telling him I loved a guy who takes care of himself and the muscles didn’t look too shabby either. I expressed that he was not coming on too strong at all and I would love to talk more. Hours of chatting later, while covering everything from work to family and he had asked me to dinner for that night. I jumped at the opportunity!

Hello! He was ridiculously hot, had a legit career, lived alone and wanted to go out with me? I would be a crazy fool to say no to this date. I didn’t mention my mental illness or my struggles but I figured they would come out eventually. Until then, I prepared for my date and shoved it into the back of my mind. I spent the entire day getting ready for what I wanted to be the most amazing night. From face masks to nail polish, singing in the shower to dancing around my apartment listening to Taylor Swift on repeat. I was enjoying this new sense of excitement. I shaved my legs so obsessively, I think they shined by the end of my shower. I did hair masks and sprayed my best and sexiest perfume. I was determined to make sure every single inch of me was smooth and alluring.

Now came the hard part; what the hell was I going to wear. The nerves quickly started to race through me. I was so calm, cool and collected during pampering but now the panic was setting in. I quickly three-way Facetimed Charlotte and Marie, my two best friends, to get their expert advice. Hell, what’s the point of having two amazing best friends if they couldn’t give you makeup tips, outfit ideas and calm you the hell down when you start to panic.

Hi babes, what do I wear tonight I plead for help with unspoken worry.

Navy dress with the low back, or pink dress with the low front. Either way you’re going to look amazing and this date is going to be wonderful Charlotte replied with such certainty I almost believed her, having a model for a best friend really helped with wardrobe decisions.

But what if he thinks I’m weird tears prick my eyes as the panic starts to show.

Then he’s an idiot and you deserve better Marie, the amazing special education worker stated. Having a best friend that completely understood emotions was amazing and once again, I almost believed her.

Okay, okay, I’ll go with the navy, it hides the sushi belly better. Love you both, wait for my SOS in the group chat in case you have to call and save me!

The laughter in my voice did not match the worry on my face. So here I stand staring at myself and doubting every single ounce of me. In the full-length mirror I stood wearing my favorite navy-blue dress, black pumps and donning subtle yet sophisticated makeup. Reciting the mantra that has been recited so many times I’m not sure it is even in the English language anymore.

Breathe, Scarlett Benjamin, it’s just a date, you’re not meeting the United Nations- you can do this! – I recited

WOW, this dress is way too tight.

Breathe, Scarlett Benjamin, it’s just a date, you’re not meeting the United Nations- you can do this! – One more time

Where did that roll even come from?

Breathe, Scarlett Benjamin, it’s just a date, you’re not meeting the United Nations- you can do this! –

This is not working I decided, Maybe I should just cancel. It was then that I saw the clock behind me in the mirror, it read 8:15. Shit. I’m late! Guess I’m stuck going now. I take one more glance in the mirror. This will have to do. I grab my sparkly black clutch, double check myself in the mirror by the front door and jump in my Jeep. Off I go to meet David at my favourite little sushi place. He asked me my favourite restaurant and it’s the first thing that came to mind. Another decision in which I am now regretting. Double shit! I forget to take my medication. Those tiny prescribed pills that change the chemical imbalance in my brain. I turn the car around, jump out and run to my bedroom. Open the two bottles, grab those life affirming pills and gulp some water. Sorry depression and anxiety, you’ve been fooled again. I have my special medicine and they make you manageable. Okay, take two. Grab clutch, check mirror, drive jeep. Let’s do this.

As I drive to the restaurant I remember the first time my doctor told me he wanted to try medication to control my mental illness symptoms. I felt a mix of failure and relief. I felt like a total loser, who very obviously couldn’t handle her own thoughts. To such a degree, my doctor noticed and decided that I needed medication to do it for me. On the flip side I was so relieved. Someone could see my struggle and wanted to help. I had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for a little over eight months but had been suffering for years. I had been fired from my job for erratic behaviour and poor attendance, my family had kicked me out due to my drinking and mood swings and relationships were not even on the horizon.

Trying medication felt like a