Building People Not Fighters: A practical parenting guide to help discover and nurture your child's potential

By Master Paul Mitchell

IN AUSTRALIA THERE ARE OVER 1,000,000 RECORDED INCIDENTS OF BULLYING EACH WEEK IN OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM.

So how do you protect your child? After all, you can't be there―and nor should you―every moment of the day. How do you support your child and offer them a peaceful solution to a better life?

Imagine if you could send your child to sch

• Language: English
• Publisher: United Taekwondo Pty Ltd
• Release date: Oct 22, 2021
• ISBN: 9781922553690

Master Paul Mitchell

Recognised as one of the most inspirational leaders in martial arts, Master Paul Mitchell has shared his knowledge and experience for over 40 years and was inducted into the Australasian Martial Arts Hall of Fame for his superior leadership, teaching performance, dedication to martialarts and contributions back to society. To sum up what Master Paul does - he "builds people not fighters".

Book preview

INITIALLY, WE ARE going to talk about bullying: who might get bullied and who could become a bully. You will be amazed to know that anyone can be a target of bullying – even strong, athletic and popular children. We will also look at how modifying family, personal and behavioural risk factors can minimise the short and long-term effects of bullying. As we get further into the chapters I will talk about how mobile phones and tablets are reducing the opportunity for our children to lead full and rewarding lives.

As you are aware nothing undermines our task of helping a child thrive at school more than the disastrous and soul-destroying impact of bullying. I will share my own perspective with stories of inspiration on how I have reduced bullying, and how I lost friends along the way because I lacked the inner strength to speak up when they needed me.

For now, let’s gain a better understanding of the problems we are facing and options that will help our children enjoy going to school, build lasting friendships and develop the confidence to be successful in all areas of life.

Chapter 1

Types of children who might get bullied

‘Don’t let someone’s opinion of you become your reality.’

– LES BROWN

There are several reasons why someone may be bullied. They include everything from personality differences to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. What’s more, anyone can be a target of bullying – even strong, athletic, and popular children.

However, there are certain characteristics that might increase a child’s chances of getting bullied. It’s important to remember that these children shouldn’t try to change their characteristics to avoid bullying, and I will explain why.

For 40 years, I tried to join different groups and changed my personality so many times in the hope of being accepted – without any luck. In the end, I did not know who I was anymore. Looking back now, I remember the people who accepted me for who I was and wanted to be my friend. I pushed them away because I wanted to be in the ‘cool group’. This group had the most fun, did the best things and seemed to get everything given to them. What I learned is: just be who you feel most comfortable being, and you will attract the people who like you for being you. It took me hitting rock bottom to help me make that decision to just be me.

I hit rock bottom in 2006. I was kicked out of taekwondo after dedicating 27 years of my life to one martial arts organisation. At the same time, I did not receive a well-deserved promotion at work, and mum died after suffering dementia for over eight years. What kept me going is a message my father gave me before he passed away in 1994. He said, ‘Life will test you, challenge you, shake you or break you, but how strong you stand will make you. Always stand strong.’ The results speak for themselves.

Nonetheless, it’s helpful to know that there are several types of children who are often the target of bullies. These are characteristics or qualities that might make bullying more likely:

Successful students – If your child is intelligent, determined or creative they may receive positive attention from their peers, which may make the bully feel inferior or that their abilities are being overshadowed. The bully wants to make the successful student feel unsure and doubt their abilities, which will reduce their ability to excel in their chosen field. I recommend keeping an eye on your child’s school work and their test results and look for differences. Looking back at my school days I realise some of the best students received poor results because they were put under pressure by other students.

Vulnerable students – If your child is introverted, anxious, depressed, has a stress-related condition or is submissive, they are more likely to be bullied than children who are extroverted and assertive. In fact, some researchers believe that children who lack self-esteem may attract children who are prone to bullying. Bullies select these children because they are an easy target and less likely to fight back. Most bullies want to feel powerful, so they often choose children who are weaker than them. I recommend keeping an eye on your child’s attendance at school and their enthusiasm to get up in the morning and get ready for school. This could indicate a problem at school they may not want to talk to you about. It took 10 years of bullying before I decided to let my parents know what was happening.

Isolated students – Many victims of bullying tend to have fewer friends than children who aren’t bullied. They may be rejected by their peers, excluded from social events, and may even spend lunch and recess alone. It is amazing the difference one friend can make because without a friend to back them up, these children are more likely to be targeted by bullies because they do not have to worry about someone coming to the victim’s aid. Invite your child’s school friends over to your house or local park and provide an environment where they can build a strong bond through sharing, caring and participation.

Distinctive physical appearance – Almost any type of physical characteristic that is different or unique can attract the attention of bullies. It may be that the victim is short, tall, thin or obese. They might wear glasses or have acne, a large nose or ears that stick out. It really doesn’t matter what it is, the bully will pick a feature and distort it into a target. The best way to combat a bully who targets this type of person is to take away their audience. Encourage your child to walk away from them and go and stand near a teacher or adult. The bully won’t continue if the child has a bigger authority figure nearby.

Popular students – Sometimes bullies target popular or well-liked children because of their popularity or social standing. The bully is looking to discredit them by spreading rumours, engaging in name-calling, and sometimes even resorting to cyberbullying in an effort to destroy their popularity.

Young girl blocks the bully

I noticed that one of my taekwondo students, who was popular at school and aged around 15, was always spending time on the phone during water breaks. After one lesson I asked her, ‘Is everything okay? Who are you texting? You look stressed.’ The young girl confided in me, telling me that a girl at her school was sending her rude messages and she was trying to get her to stop it. I said, ‘Block her.’ Every time she tried to explain what was happening and how she was dealing with it, I just kept repeating the same words, until she followed my suggestion. About 15 seconds later, I asked her ‘Has the girl sent you any more bad messages?’ My student said, ‘Obviously no.’ I said, ‘See, problem solved!’ and the young girl replied with a smile.

At the next lesson, I asked my student how things were going. The young girl replied, ‘Now she is sending me messages on Facebook.’ I smiled at her and said, ‘You know what to do.’ ‘Fine’, she replied, and she blocked her bully on Facebook.

As you can guess, the drama did not stop there. I asked her at the next lesson, ‘How are you going?’ She said, ‘Now she is sending me emails.’ I only had to smile and she said, ‘I will ask the school to block her email address.’ Keep smiling, there is more. The student’s friends were now showing messages from the bully to my student. I said, ‘Tell your friends that if they continue to show you the messages, your friendship with them is over.’

Finally, I said to my student, ‘I want you to confront the girl and say, enough is enough. Do you want to be friends, or not?’ Then, the girl came over and began to watch my student doing taekwondo. When we train there is often a basketball game being played on the other court. The girl then tried to get my student to leave taekwondo and watch the basketball. I explained to my student that if she did, the manipulation would continue. She decided to stay with taekwondo and the girl submitted and also joined taekwondo.

My student has now finished school and moved on with her life.

A lot of the time, all children need is an adult’s perspective on the situation, but you need to have a strong connection with the child for them to listen and take your advice.

The world has changed and we need to remind our children every day to show empathy, have more patience and understand that whether someone has an illness, disability or different sexual orientation or racial background, we need to respect them for being a part of our community. If we do not stand together now and reduce bullying to a manageable level, we will lose our humanity.

Chapter 2

Types of children who might become a bully

‘If you genuinely care about someone, don’t decorate their eyes with

tears, their ears with lies, as it will break their heart.’

– UNKNOWN

Some bullies are big. Some bullies are popular. And some bullies are loners. As a result, there is no one type of bully and there is no one single cause of bullying. Instead, a host of factors put children at risk of becoming a bully. Sometimes temperament, size and self-esteem play a role. Other times, family background increases the likelihood of bullying. Still other times, children resort to bullying because they are bullied themselves.

Let’s take a look at the most common factors that influence bullying from a family, personal and behavioural perspective. Familiarising yourself with these factors will not only help you identify why bullying is occurring, but also help you improve the environment so that bullying is minimised.

Family risk factors

Sometimes a person’s family will influence their bullying behaviour. Here are a few family issues that contribute to bullying.

Witnessing or experiencing abuse

Children from abusive homes are more likely to bully than other children because aggression, violence and manipulation are a part of a normal day for them. When I run taekwondo lessons in schools and see that a school student is angry a lot and lashing out at other students, I try not to automatically assume the worst. If I witness this behaviour at school, I bring it to the attention of the school and the school normally digs a little deeper to find out what is going on. Sometimes the child may need more support and guidance rather than disciplinary action for their bullying behaviours. Sometimes I ask permission to talk to the child and give the child a different perspective and hopefully calm them down.

Dad and mum went to jail

I remember running a school program and while I was teaching a young boy in the class he was acting out. He was so irritated with everyone and everything, that after the lesson I asked the teacher if I could have a couple of moments with the young boy.

I asked him, ‘Is everything okay?’. Without hesitation he told me that his father had been arrested and will be spending time in jail. I asked the young boy, ‘Did your father do the wrong thing?’. He answered, ‘Yes’. I concluded, ‘Well, if you do the wrong thing, this is what can happen; it is just a part of life.’

When I returned the following week, the boy was having a great lesson and at the end of the session the teacher came up to me and asked, ‘What did you say to the boy last week?’. I repeated the conversation and asked whether everything was okay. The teacher replied, ‘The boy’s mum just got taken away to jail and when we asked the boy whether he was okay he replied, That’s what happens when you do the wrong thing; it’s just life.’

It is a sad reality when events like this happen, and children are scarred for life. I can only hope someone will give that boy a more stable home and the emotional support he needs.

Having permissive parents

When parents do not establish rules for their children or provide adequate supervision, their children often resort to bullying. What’s more, permissive parents are less likely to follow through with consequences or attempt to stop the bullying. The lack of relationship between the child and their parents can create all types of issues, including bullying behaviour. If you find that your child has trouble following rules, I recommend finding a local martial arts club and enrolling your child. We provide a fun and inclusive environment, but with firm rules and discipline and always encourage our children to show love and respect to their parents. Some parents have given me feedback where they have used my name to help control the situation. ‘Now what would Master Paul say about