Shades of Shadows: The Difference Is Thinner Than Apparent

By Dr. M. K. R. Khan

This book is a work of calculated exercise of fiction in theme and narration. It depicts the characters which are living, paralleled to experienced imaginations of certain existing traits from a psychological perspective, that readers may note.
The leading role of female character has aroused persistent interest in author. The story takes the mandatory twists and turns which a novel deserves giving the necessary intrigue to await, want and to follow next.
The erotic material hinted at few places was unnerving but essential aftermath. The ending is no more complex than interpreting the Rorschach test in Psychology. This novel is more of a reality than fantasy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781665540360

Dr. M. K. R. Khan

Dr. M.K.R.Khan is a retired professor and consultant Psychiatrist, with several published books to his credit, including books on religion, his faculty, social problems and biographies and now trying to let people live in contentment. Nehala Khan is his daughter with a career in management and information science, her interest in decoding contentment and peace lead her to read, comprehend, question and reflect more about the same, which she shares in this book. Both are living with their families in Midwest, of course with contended lives.

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© 2021 Dr. M. K. R. Khan. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in

a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means

without the written permission of the author.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents,

organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the

products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Published by AuthorHouse   10/05/2021

ISBN: 978-1-6655-4035-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-4036-0 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by

Getty Images are models, and such images are

being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web

addresses or links contained in this book may have changed

since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do

not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the

publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgement of Thanks

Preface

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Postface

In the name of God, the beneficent and merciful

Increase your ‘Will’ to such tall heights, such that

God Himself would ask His creation before writing

down, the desirous destiny of the individual.

Allama Iqbal

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my children Lijji, Shanu and Neha, who have been very promising people in my life, satisfying my upbringing. Curiously I have not seen my father or even recollect him, to learn the ways of raising children.

Author

Acknowledgement of Thanks

I thank God for blessing me with enough wisdom to be able to become the author of several books which are available in bookstores and online.

I thank my sons-in-law: Moeed and Zeeshan, who have undertaken the role of my sons and supported me in every field of survival in this land of diversity. I cannot exclude my daughter-in-law Huma who has been ever willing to help me in asked or unasked needs, in spite of being located far away in New Zealand.

Lastly, I express the thankful happiness bestowed to me from my grand-daughters: Arzu, Anaya, Anabia, Zeyana, Aliza and yet another one still in the womb of my younger daughter not yet named, as without them my purpose of life would have become meaningless.

Dr. Khan

Preface

The narrative and nature of this book has undergone innumerable transformations ultimately to become a product of bizarre imaginations. Happy or sad endings suit individual readers according to one’s own pre-morbid personality. My own existential crisis added some content to it. I clumsily abandoned the myth of descriptive anecdotes required for a novel.

The story revolves around the leading female subject and her potential suitors to be chosen as soul-mates remaining undecided keeping her to float between right or wrong, making her to lose all of them, one after the other. She is endlessly tortured by her crippling mind and the wants of others shaping her life, to a complete analogy. She resorts to reliving for a purpose, achieved super success and contentment in the end. A mystery to explore by reading this novel till the end.

Author

Chapter 1

It was New Year’s Eve. Rather night, more precisely midnight. In a moment it will be turned into New Year. Cold, gray and ugly. Presence or absence of sunshine would make no difference. It had been a white Christmas and a white New Year. The landscapes and roof tops were laden with snow, the barren trees with black naked branches were half white covered by snow on top, the bushes and shrubs had the same effect. The scene didn’t deserve any celebration. Then what? It was not religious, not cultural, not customary or obligatory. Just another day in life. 366th day or 13th month. It shouldn’t matter. It was another year shortening the life spans of people trying to celebrate. To make another resolution expectantly to undertake and to see it falling apart as the seasons change.

The earth would continue to make its rotations around itself and revolutions around the sun, immaterial of its impact on the inhabitants. There was no dearth of reasons to celebrate in life, no justification in decorating the house, no need to put colorful lights outside or on streets, no sense in sending greeting cards, no validation to prepare delicacies to serve or even wearing new clothes. No need to make it look like a ceremony. It was not a festival or a birthday or wedding anniversary, as the day having been declared a holiday, registration of marriages was next to impossible. Deaths on the other hand could take place inevitably and coincidently on that day, even if people would hate to commemorate loved ones dying leaving people to mourn and grieve.

The inability to hold death anniversaries on New Year’s Day was like curse. Of course, birthdays can’t be predicted unless for a planned C-section life would continue in any case. Everything will remain the same and nothing will change. Introverts will not become extroverts, sadists will not become masochists, homosexuals will not become heterosexuals. Nothing will change. Racism will not end, crime rate will not decrease, economy will not decline, heritage will not be abolished, undocumented will remain undocumented, memories will not be erased, personalities will not change, illnesses will not get cured, mishaps will not cease to occur, poor would remain poor, homeless will remain homeless and politicians will not leave corruption.

Mia declared New Year celebrations as mere foolishness. She was not her usual self. She was bitter and angry on herself. Being a part of essential services, she was on night duty as per the hospital roster and was not expecting to be relieved earlier than the scheduled time, rather her reliever would possibly be late after celebrating the New Year’s Eve in fun and frolics. She wouldn’t be surprised if he reports for duty little drunk or with hangover after a short nap. The regular routine of handing over the next shift about the pending assignments was somehow completed. She called for the spare ambulance. The driver carried her to her residential complex, which was an added facility for girl interns. The driver made sure that she entered her building before droving off. All the drivers were cautious people.

Mia got inside, took the elevator to her apartment and entered the warm centrally heated cozy atmosphere. She hurriedly removed the woolen accessories and jumped on her bed. While waiting for the reliever she had had her breakfast in the cafeteria. She had recently renovated the apartment with new carpets, new upholstery and new paint on the walls. She liked the color combination but not on that day. The smell of fresh paint which she liked but couldn’t appreciate, as she was tired and wanted to rest. She didn’t even want to change her clothes but did change into her nighty. While changing she looked into the life size mirror in her bed room and liked what she saw in the reflection. A baby face pretty enough and a fit body with a perfect figure. She slept through the day and got up when her stomach craved for food.

Mia got into shower, took a hurried bath and wore bathroom gown and towel dried her hair. She warmed the frozen meal in the microwave and sat on the dining table with the tray of lunch. There was a lot of difference in the taste of food freshly made and the microwaved warm food. She somehow swallowed with sips of beer. She was not in mood of cooking that day neither wanted to go out to eat her dinner. She didn’t want to changed again into several layers of clothing to overcome the minus degree temperatures outside. She hated winters for similar reasons but couldn’t help because she was in mid-west. The sad part was she couldn’t get acclimatized to cold weathers in spite of having lived in mid-west since birth. What a compromise warm blooded species has to make to depend on heating for comfortable living. The people are paying heavy price for having opted to live in central time zone.

Mia wanted this internship to end as it warrants multitude of tasks, some fabulous but mostly boring. The only advantage was, it was making her fit even without workout. Sports and games have become a memory of the past. That was the logic behind wearing white coats with hospital uniform underneath. To add to her suffering, she was obliged to wear masks at all times. She was never keen on showing her mounds and curves, which evidently show themselves. The white coats of doctors without upper buttons mostly open in the front, could not hide her cleavage of the bosom upon which most men folks of the hospital feasted their eyes. She was aware of this fact and curiously enjoyed it without showing on her face. The pandemic was having its toll. Male patients young and old used to wait for visits to be attended, more so when she had to bend to auscultate their chests trying to listen crepitations in lungs and murmurs in hearts.

Mia was in habit of unconsciously putting her spare hand on the shoulders of patients, while holding the chest piece of her stethoscope with the other. Manufacturers were shortening the middle piece of synthetic plastic tube bringing more physical closeness to patients. The senior consultants were using the older models with long tubes and were managing to keep a dignified distance with the beneficiaries. Girl interns were not allowed to wear perfumes but almost all did. Her favorite jasmine fragrance was another satisfaction shared by patients and she had become a favorite intern in the premises. Yet another taxation used to be hospital gowns made for patients with loosely tied back straps, exposing the bear skins of their rear sides. It becomes a test of tolerance to the opposite genders of doctor-patient relationship especially for the younger age groups.

Mia was happy that she has almost one and a half days of rest before being collected for reporting to duty next day’s afternoon shift but she didn’t know how to spend the time attending to household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and watching TV or reading some journals. She could just go out for window shopping in pleasant weathers but not in winters. She was sure Bill her childhood contact will visit her only in the evening with the updated news for an excuse to enquire her welfare. She was looking forward for him. He was a considerate person with cute face, muscular physique and charming manners. She got startled by the shrill chiming of her cell phone. She looked over her shoulder to see the caller’s name on the screen. It was a surprise that Bill was calling her at this time.

She reminded herself to switch off her phone before sleeping next time to avoid untimely calls and likely scams. She lifted the phone and heard the familiar voice of Bill.

Happy New Year, baby.

Since when you became so formal, she replied.

Huh! I have called to ask you not to step out this evening as there is a weather warning of snow storm this evening. Bill was casual and composed.

I won’t, but in that case, you come down here and spend some time with me.

Fine. No problems. Don’t bother to prepare any food for me, as I would bring Pizza and Beer bottles with me. Her phone beeped as the line went dead. Bill was his usual self who wouldn’t prefer prolonged conversation on phone. He will always make the unwanted talks brief. He had never been formal with ‘good-byes’ or ‘sweet-dreams’ or any other nonsensical words. That is why their terms persisted since so long. Mia immediately repented on her invitation. People are supposed to remain indoors in such forecasts od storms. Not that Bill like to venture in such weather conditions, it was because he had never refused Mia for anything, leave alone favors. It was not his type in general with refusals and with Mia his terms were different. They were childhood friends, having lived several years of togetherness. Those were pleasant times.

Mia was yawning again and was sleepy. She stretched her arms and knew she needed some more sleep. She got into her bed again tucked herself under the quilt. She had restful sleep and woke up during REM division. She dreamt very embarrassing episode camouflaged by more embarrassing spices of her past. She couldn’t disclose that dream with anybody especially to Bill, simply because she was doing absurd things with him. He was also involved in unthinkable acts with her. She extended her arm to look into alarm clock which showed 4 pm. There were no thunder rumblings except wailing sirens in distance. She grasped it was her bladder that woke her up and not the dream because she would have wanted the dream to last longer, her capacity must have exceeded 8-9 hundred ml or even may have gone up to a liter. She rushed to toilet to pee. It was fun to relieve but better to get into habit of peeing before sleeping.

Good habits are always good to live by. She glanced again at her reflection after changing into a denim jean and a T shirt. The T shirt seemed little short. She raised her arms and T shirt rose high up exposing her flat tummy, belly button and hip girdle. Her own image blushed her. She brushed her teeth, flossing he always preferred avoiding. Dentists would advise, sometimes insist patients to floss, when they don’t do it themselves. Rinsing mouth with water once or twice would be sufficient. There were different flavors of chewing gum which may suffice any emergency. The bristles on tooth brush do reach the crevices to remove stacked food particles. She had a good teeth line, even white sparkling as shown in TV commercials. Her teeth always make her smile very provocative.

She was also blessed with perfectly molded symmetrical features which make her moon baby face almost magnetic. She inherited a body like her mother, hour-glass shape, slender, firm with fullness at appropriate places. If she would become a model instead of doctor, she would have made her earnings several times higher than a specialist. Absolutely fantastic and foolish to be paid so high pays just for walking on ramps. Cat walk they say or whatever, the lucidity behind the concept was non-understandable plus models were not supposed to smile, as if, if they are allowed, they would giggle and laugh. In any case walking tight lipped is not any kind of art to get so much attention. No doubt they ultimately land up to become actresses and part of glamor world or filmland.

Watching the progress of these skinny models, these days boys joined the flock with V shaped chests and started walking straight on ramps. They are all puppets under spot lights with strings held by producers, directors, financiers, distributors, designers, stylists and few others behind the scenes, all forming part of politics in the show business of modern world. No state of art special effects required, except to wear high heels and maintain balance. They don’t have to have any intrinsic inborn skills, like singing, dancing, painting or sculpting. Whatever shine they gather is the product of makeup artists, hair dressers, personal trainers and photographers. The outfits they wear cannot be worn by people at large, not because of lack of affordability but the effects are not acceptable in parties or on streets. These dresses and not even bought by buyers given seats in the front rows.

Designer clothes had never been suitable for all seasons. Designer clothes irrefutably cannot change facial features, appearances and figures. Everything seemed silly. Even stylers, models, admirers, cravers all seemed unwise. The entire industry seemed foolish. Mia shrugged her shoulder to brush off these thoughts. She wondered why this industry is flourishing. This industry doesn’t do any service to the deserving, ailing or poor people. This industry doesn’t teach any lessons. To hell with it. She went to bathroom for a shower again. Warm showers she found very relaxing. She stayed under the sprinkler for long. The hissing sound of running water didn’t let her hear the arrival of Bill, who had a spare key of this apartment. She knew Bill is expected, he being a man of words. She was sure he would come immaterial of weather conditions. He believed in sticking to given words leave alone promises

The thought of Bill’s arrival made her to realize that she has not closed the bathroom door. She tiptoed and closed the door, shut off the shower, towel rubbed her body and hair, wore bathrobe and twisted another towel on her head and came out. She went straight to kitchen crossing the living area and saw flashes of light coming from TV, indicating that Bill is watching news. His feet stretched to reach the central table. The sound was muted and he was seeing the captions and sub titles. He had never disturbed her even if she was not sleeping. He was a considerate person by nature, handsome in looks and a robust physique with mild manners and soft talks. His smiles reach his eyes. She was hit by his striking looks and calm composure. She considered herself lucky with him as a well-wisher. A genuine friend indeed.

Mia looked out of kitchen window. How short day becomes in winters followed subsequently by long nights. It was all gray. Light gray sky, gray clouds, dark gray trees and darker house tops. It was so gloomy. She hated the scenario. It would make anyone to feel low. Street lights were lighted. She understood why light therapy is advised for depressed patients. There were no signs of snow storms or thunder storms. The weather forecasts were equally unpredictable. Meteorological department might have gotten fed up of it and probably paying gimmicks for fun. Far east countries in another continent have 2 seasons, one rainy and the other dry. The sub-continent has 3 seasons, one hot, second cool and third rainy. Middle east has only one season of dry and hot climate. All seemed to be better than 4 seasons of her country.

Why to blame the department of weather forecasts, when nature is playing tricks. She remembered the day not long ago, when screen of her mobile denoted a clear sky when it was raining and raining heavily. Next moment the department realized their mistake and showed cloudy weather with possibility of rain followed by rain itself. Poor fellows, at least they were updating the weather conditions on witnessing the actual climatic facts. Other departments were worse, when automated messages kept repeating themselves or with unending ring tones. Some departments switch the ring tones to music, as though they are pleasing people, which people find it unpleasant. Really speaking all departments were playing gimmicks under the umbrella of technological advances. These days under the panic of pandemic people had to wait for hours until they get tired and end their calls.

I am having a slice of Pizza. Would you care to join? She called Bill.

No. Baby I am good came the reply join me after that. Do you know people eat out of boredom and that is the reason obesity is so common here?

I will join you shortly. After I change into a formal dress. I am in bathing gown. Bill waved his hand meaning she can take her time. The gesture also revealed, how does it matter. Clothes formal or informal, worn or not. He has seen her in all forms. He was at ease as usual. Either he was accustomed to waiting or he gave extra leniency to Mia. She knew most of the women folk make men folk to wait and when the situation is reversed, they become impatient. Bill on the other hand never made Mia to wait. He knew she is intolerant to waiting. They understand each other so well. Both believed in maintaining and sustaining relationships. Making friends is easy but keeping them not. That is how, they sailed a long-term relationship so smoothly. They were neighbors in childhood and in teen ages. They used to play, cycle, swim and study together. Mia was week in Math and Bill used to teach her Algebra, Mensuration plus Arithmetic and Geometry. He never demanded anything in return.

Mia used to make all sorts of diligent enquiries and Bill encouraged her to seek help of all kinds. Mis used to show mood swings but he had always remained calm and stable. She would get grumpy at times and Bill would absorb her fleeting episodes quietly. He never sought apologies and she never sought exchanges like ‘good byes’ or ‘good night’. The only entity in which Bill lacked was initiative but Mia would compensate for him. He was placid and she was curious. Both got into medical school but Bill was senior to her. He completed his residency in surgery earlier while she was still doing it in internal medicine. He took up Plastic surgery as his specialization and got employed in the county hospital in the south side and she was about to complete her internship in north side. Both were like minded except in extra curricular activities, as he favored indoor games and she preferred outdoor games.

They were having excellent skills in effective communication, computer net-working, patient care and community services. They welcomed openness and respected human values, racial indiscrimination, cultural diversity, personal responsibility. They remained good friends with Mia being naughty and Bill somber. Bill shifted his legs to rest on base, as Mia joined him grinning from ear to ear.

Happy? he asked, you are dressed as though you intend to go out.

Yes, now that there is no fear of storm. It must have passed beside our town during my sleep or died itself.

Hell. No. It could be delayed and catch us unawares. Why do you have to risk your life along with mine. He commented. Mia had not known this side of him. So cautious and so anxious to live. She accepted his reasoning and settled in rocking chair. She took the remote and switched off the TV.

I have some serious discussion to undertake.

I am ready, baby.

You already know that my internship is finishing and I have to choose the specialty. What would you recommend? She asked.

Mm……let me think. He lighted a cigarette. Blew rings of smoke towards her, as she liked the art of making rings. She also liked the flavor of his tobacco.

Let’s begin by excluding various faculties He paused. She was listening to his briefing. He frowned which was a rare expression for his type. It’s not really the right way to put it. Selection is based on priorities and significances.

What do you mean?

Baby, in simple words your likes and dislikes. She was looking at him enquiringly. "What is intended is to exclude what you can and what you can’t. For example, even if you like to be in company of males, you can’t choose Urology, or if you like to be around females, you can’t select Obstetrics and Gynecology because you dislike holding scalpel to cut live skin. You can’t pick Pathology because you will have to do desk work only and live among microscopes and slides with smell of spirit haunting around you. You can’t get into Forensics because you can’t bear to see dead bodies and to do autopsies. You can’t go for Neurology because you hate debilitating conditions like paralysis followed by strokes and Alzheimer’s disease, etc.

You can’t opt for Psychiatry because you can’t live with institutionalized chronically ill psychotics who are abandoned by their families more over patient’s who would be unpredictable and aggressive having lost touch with reality. Bill stopped testing her patience. Moreover, you can’t look for signs and would have to depend on subjective or objective symptoms to diagnose. I know you like children, but not sick children Pediatrics is also out of question. As you would prefer night duties then you would be left with only 2 choices. Either Radiology or Dermatology. If I were you, will I settle down with X-rays, scans, MRIs and Radiology, No, of course not"? He paused again which lengthened for quite some time.

Mia flicked her hands and spoke with fake vengeance, So you want me to become a Dermatologist. I was planning to get into Psychiatry.

Please don’t do that, baby. It may cause no end to your head aches. You will suffer from inability to reach blunted emotions of Schizophrenics, you may have difficulty to control the highs and lows of Manic-depressive patients bipolar or unipolar, you would fail to treat Personality disorders. You got it. You are not one among the sheltered scholars of modern school of thought. More over there is that problem of transference and sometimes counter transference. Don’t expect me to wear a rubber band over my wrist and snap it on and off, worrying about you. To end this lecture on a good note you can marry a psychiatrist. He re-crossed his legs and took a sigh of relief smiling opulently.

She was pinched with annoyance. There followed an awkward pause. There was a strange emotion on his face, which she couldn’t interpret. It shouldn’t matter, as he would be the same as he was