How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans and More!!!

By Neil Zawacki and James Dignan

Jumpstart your evil enterprise with this deviously clever step-by-step guide to joining the forces of darkness.

Villains may never win, but they sure have more fun. Who doesn’t want to hatch a master plan for world domination or set up an evil hideout? In How to Be a Villain, Neil Zawacki answers all the most urgent questions: Should I go with a black or red theme? Do I invest in an army of winged monkeys or ninja warriors? And should I learn to play the pipe organ or just get a weird cat?

Whether readers choose to pursue a career as a Criminal Mastermind, Mad Scientist, Corporate Bastard, or just a Wanna-be Evil Genius, they are sure to find plenty of tips for getting started. Cheaper than attending the annual Bad Guy Conference and way more fun than being good, How to Be a Villain is guaranteed to elicit deep-throated evil laughs across the land.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Jan 27, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452110394

Book preview

coverpageHow To Be A Villain

by Neil Zawacki

illustrations by James Dignan

publisher logo

Contents

Dedication

Chapter I Getting Started with the Forces of Darkness

Chapter II Discovering the Methods of Your Mayhem

Chapter III Thwarting the Forces of Good

Chapter IV Tools of the Evil Trade

Chapter V Making an Evil Plan

Copyright

This book is dedicated to everyone who ever thought evil was just a dream. Rejoice, would-be miscreants, your time has come!

Chapter I Getting Started with the Forces of Darkness

If you only knew the power of the Dark Side…

—Darth Vader

Congratulations on your decision to join the forces of darkness…Evil can always use another talented agent to lend a hand in the name of mayhem. The sooner you get started, the sooner you can enjoy the fruits of limitless power, revel in unbridled greed and debauchery, and begin the construction of the enormous and needlessly complex weapons of destruction in your basement.

Whether you practice evil in the privacy of your own home or set your goals at nothing less than international domination, you’ll find plenty of valuable tips in this guide. Whatever your background or experience, rest assured there’s an aspect of evil that’s right for you. If you don’t find your niche immediately, don’t despair. This handy guide is designed to help you discover and nurture the darkness within for a lifetime of heedless villainy. No matter how well adjusted you may appear to friends and family, you are the only one who can truly know your evil potential.

Tip: If you find that you still lack confidence, try this exercise. Stand in front of a mirror with the lights turned off. Stare at your ghostly visage and say with confidence, I’m bad. I’m really, really bad.

Getting Started

Evil deeds don’t need to be catastrophic to be rewarding. Indeed, plenty of minor acts can be satisfyingly unpleasant. Start small and work your way up to more infamous exploits. Here are a few ideas:

Realign the moon’s orbit (you can always do Earth later)

Turn a popular landmark into a gelatinous ooze

Release a demonic hoard on a peaceful township

Learn to play the pipe organ and volunteer at church functions

Broadcast your evil plans on public access television

Remember, most of the mightily evil people you admire today probably failed once or twice along the way. Part of being evil is having the courage to keep on trying, even if your sinister shenanigans don’t always inspire terror and strife.

The Concept of Evil

The first step in an evil education is to understand the true meaning of the term. The dictionary offers one definition:

Evil (adj.) 1. Having qualities tending to injury and mischief; having a nature or properties which tend to badness; mischievous; not good; worthless or deleterious; poor; as, an evil beast, an evil plant, an evil crop. 2. Having or exhibiting bad moral qualities; morally corrupt; wrong; vicious; as, evil conduct, thoughts, heart, words, and the like.

There is more, but you probably get the point. Evil is fiendish. Evil is malevolent. Evil is wicked. But isn’t there more to it than that? Yes, what the dictionary cleverly leaves out is for an elect few to know: Evil is fun.

The Benefits of Being Evil

Being evil is more than a job, it’s a lifestyle. By embracing the dark forces, otherwise ordinary men, women, and even children and pets can gain power and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. Perhaps the single greatest benefit of a career in evil is equal access to executive level positions. Black, white, or green; male, female, or alien life form; spikes, scales, or brain in a jar—nothing prevents a devotee of darkness from rising to the top of the quagmire of destruction.

Power and wealth are not the only benefits. Servants of darkness, despite the secondary role that name implies, also enjoy deliciously unrestricted creative freedom. Evil knows no boundaries. If you can dream an evil plot, you can do it—and become a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.

Evil careers offer extensive supernatural benefits, too. Many evil-doers develop the ability to manifest themselves wherever and whenever they choose. For those who excel, there is even the possibility of immortality.

In the end, the most important part of being evil is feeling good about your bad self. Only then will you walk down the street with pride, smiling broadly as small children in your path abandon their favorite playthings and flee as though approached by a swarm of locusts.

Careers in Evil

Although it’s possible to be evil in any vocation, certain careers practically force you to exploit your dark side. Your best bets:

Night manager of a deserted warehouse

Mad scientist

Shape-shifter

Voodoo princess

Slave driver

Orc, ogre, or zombie

Telemarketer

Become a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.

Become a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.

Am I Evil?

Do you have what it takes to be deeply and disturbingly evil? Complete this quick quiz to find out.

How do you start your morning?

Rise at six, shower while humming chipper tune

Perform vigorous knee bends and enjoy bracing five-mile jog

Hit the snooze alarm until hopelessly late for work

Sip a cup of coffee, read the newspaper, plot the downfall of civilization

Reviews for How to Be a Villain

[sarah_buckley-1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This was a fun, lighthearted little book. Every once in a while I like to take a break from "serious" reading and take in something fun. This fit the bill perfectly, it is a fast read that doesn't really need any serious analysis to get into.

[archmage-2 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

MwaaHaha (Creates "Instagrow" mustache growing and grooming device in Secret Volcano Lair - Twirls mustache)

Bwaahahahahaa

Nothing can stop me now!

MwaaHaHaHahahahaa

[silvernfire · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Amusing, thorough, forgettable.

[avhacker · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

oh my gosh this book was sooooooooo funny! It was a very good read but i enjoyed it very must.and may i say i am ready to destroy the world!

[jjmachshev_1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

MWAH HAH HAH...erm, excuse me. I was practicing my evil laugh per page 23 of "How to Be a Villain". First, a great big THANK YOU to Pamela who turned me on to this wonderfully wicked and side-splittingly seditious book. "How to Be a Villain" is your step-by-step guide to all things villainous. Conveniently divided into five informative sections, each containing suggestions and examples to help you on your journey into the heart of darkness. From picking a villain outfit to choosing the perfectly evil minion to thwarting the forces of good...this book has it all and is sure to be a hit with budding villains everywhere. There's even a fill-in-the-blank Evil Plan form towards the end of the book to help you or your evil friend settle on a devious plot or scheme to take over the world, cause death and destruction, or amass large fortunes via corporate evilness. This book has something for everyone and if nothing else, will leave you gasping and laughing at Neil Zawacki's wacky humor.

[queensowntalia · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

An amusing bit of humor for those who always play the evil characters in assorted games. :) Chapter by chapter, author Zawacki guides you through all the information you, as an aspiring evildoer in the modern age, need to know. Chapters such as "Thwarting the Forces of Good" and "Tools of the Evil Trade" cover valuable topics such as traps, the psychology of the heroic mind and types of evil minions (for example, robot warriors, ninjas or computer programmers). The book concludes with a handy-dandy evil plan generator, perfect for the black-hearted.A highly entertaining book for anyone who enjoys the dark side of humor. :)