The Herple Is a Happy Beast, or, “Neighbors Are Delicious!

By Paul Di Filippo

When you're caught by the Chinese doing illegal stuff, and they punish you by changing the way you smell (but not in a nice way) and deport you back to the ol' U.S. of A., your employment options become extremely limited. So what's a guy to do, except take on herple farming?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wildside Press
• Release date: Sep 22, 2021
• ISBN: 9781479464364

Paul Di Filippo

Paul Di Filippo is a prolific science fiction, fantasy, and horror short story writer with multiple collections to his credit, among them The Emperor of Gondwanaland and Other Stories, Fractal Paisleys, The Steampunk Trilogy, and many more. He has written a number of novels as well, including Joe’s Liver and Spondulix: A Romance of Hoboken.  Di Filippo is also a highly regarded critic and reviewer, appearing regularly in Asimov’s Science Fiction and the Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. A recent publication, coedited with Damien Broderick, is Science Fiction: The 101 Best Novels 1985–2010.

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COPYRIGHT INFORMATION

THE HERPLE IS A HAPPY BEAST, OR, NEIGHBORS ARE DELICIOUS!

COPYRIGHT INFORMATION

Copyright © 2018 by Paul Di Filippo.

Originally published in Infinite Fantastika (2018).

Published by Wildside Press LLC.

wildsidepress.com | bcmystery.com

THE HERPLE IS A HAPPY BEAST, OR, NEIGHBORS ARE DELICIOUS!

by Paul Di Filippo

I never wanted to become a herple herder. Very, very low on my bucket list—actually, right off the edge and into the abyss. But, you know, shit happens.

I did not spend my childhood dreaming of tending flocks of synthetic meat creatures, all the while building romantic castles in the air which featured me riding the range on my PintoPard. My teenage years did not find my bedroom adorned with e-ink posters of high-tech herphands and mega-rich herple barons, but rather those of the typical taqwacore pop stars of that era. I did not major during my college years in livestock or agriculture or transgenic splice optimization. In fact, I majored in quantitative analysis and statistics and operations research at Dartmouth’s Tuck School of Business. Graduating in the top percentile of my class, feeling quite proud of myself, I landed my totally pliant first job right out of school with Mahon China Investment Management Ltd.

I loved Beijing and my high-flying consumption patterns. Wine, women and song. Or rather, shaojiu, ernai and augie-karaoke, right? Perhaps I craved the lush life a little too much. When I had a chance to substantially increment my income—to a life-changing degree—I leaped at the opportunity, despite the highly unorthodox, off-label scheme involving certain, shall we say, less-than-ethical and quantifiably illegal actions on my part.

Well, the venture was life-changing all right, just not along a positive vector. I