I Don’t Need to Fit In: I Am Custom Made

By Dr. Debra Butler

Dr. D shares transformational messages of a world traveler with a collection of her personal memories in a way that allows readers to relate more personally to her experience. Told from the perspective of the author, she doesn’t focus on the entire timeline of her life but instead she share stories from her traveling experiences that gives readers insider knowledge of her favorite places where she have lived and traveled abroad like Jamaica, Australia, Italy and Thailand. Dr. D also shares her experiences with celebrities that she have worked with and the impact they have had on her life. Celebrities such as Mike Tyson, Prince The Artist, Les Brown, BB King and many others.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781543498530

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Copyright © 2021 by Dr. Debra Butler. 831847

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Xlibris

844-714-8691

www.Xlibris.com

ISBN: 978-1-5434-9854-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5434-9855-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5434-9853-0 (e)

Rev. date: 09/27/2021

DEDICATION

W hile the space I have to voice my gratitude may be limited, the depth of my sentiment knows no bo unds.

To my children and grandchildren, I am grateful for your support and love.

Special thanks to my dad. You are my giant. I stand on your shoulders. All that I have accomplished is because of your hope and faith. Thank you for teaching me how to pray and believe. Thank you for giving me my first book. Thank you for teaching me how to read and passing down to me my love for reading. Thank you for instilling in me a sense of integrity. You have been a rock for me. Thank you for praying over me and modeling what it looks like to walk by faith and not by sight.

I would not exist without the support of my parents and the countless family members and individuals who made up my village who raised me and encouraged me to be unique and not try to get in where I don’t fit in. They instilled in me a sense of wanting to achieve great things. My mother would often remind me, You can’t be afraid of other people’s opinions. People will talk about you behind your back, and they will try to pull you down, because if you do something special, something truly unique, they start to feel bad about themselves. And because it’s much easier to tear someone down instead of pulling themselves up, they will always try to bring you back down to their level.

And finally, thank you to my vast extended family for the countless ways you show me love and support.

This book is for all of us!

CONTENTS

PREFACE

Introduction: Perspective

Prologue

Chapter 1 Unique Self

1. Self-Disclosure

2. Les Brown

Chapter 2 Travels

3. Did You Know?

4. Experiences

5. Thailand

6. Jamaica

7. Why I Left

8. Italy

9. Australia

Chapter 3 Death Did Us Part

10. Honoring My Parents

Chapter 4 Prison

11. Visiting

12. Coping

13. FAHIF

14. Mother’s Day

15. Happiness

Chapter 5 Life Is Tough!

16. Mike Tyson

17. But I’m Tougher!

18. Mike McCallum

19. Chris Byrd

20. Dark Man X (DMX)

21. Prince the Artist

22. B.B. King

Chapter 6 Peace

23. Angela Davis

24. Peace

Chapter 7 You Don’t Need to Fit In

25. I Don’t Need to Fit In

26. You Are Custom-Made

Acknowledgments

PREFACE

Mr. Denzel Washington`

I had the craziest dream last night. I will try my best to explain what I saw and I have no earthly idea what it could mean for me. A person is walking down a long stone corridor. A beam of light comes from a distant window just enough to softly illuminate magnificent tapestries lining the walls. Up ahead, a dark figure, a guide, slowly and gently motions for me to come for ward.

I hardly ever remember my dreams, but I remember some parts of this one clearly and very well.

As I progressed farther along the passageway, a large oak door appeared to one side. Etched in stone on the wall just beside the door were odd-looking symbols from a long-lost alphabet.

I tried to push the bronze latch on the handle, but it was locked. My guide, who turned out to be Mr. Denzel Washington, extended an open hand to me. In it was a glowing golden key, shining brightly in the dark; and as I was able to see, this key had special, magical powers. What is extraordinary about this dream?

You see, the stone floor, tapestries, bronze detail, and especially the strange signs on the wall were my tip that the person was roaming the inner pathways of something sacred and powerful. Because I recognized that the symbols were in fact magnificent and sacred.

As Mr. Washington extended his hands to me, he uttered, You see, Debra, negativity and failure affect everyone. But the most successful people take their setbacks in stride. They don’t ignore them. Instead, they learn from them and focus as much of their time, effort, and talents on their greatest strengths. And you can do the same! I’ll show you how to turn negatives into positives and positives into a constantly multiplying windfall of prosperity!

With ALL due respect to Mrs. Pauletta Washington, Mr. Washington became Denzel to me at some point in my dream, and even though the dream remained respectable, humble, decent, and appropriate, I don’t remember everything that happened after that, but I do remember it giving me a clear purpose for writing my memoir. It was something he said about the need to reflect on my life and communicate what I’ve learned with the world.

A wise man once mentioned, Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss, or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart (Mr. Denzel Washington).

Mrs. and Mr. Denzel Washington were married on my birthday, June 25; and when I shared that with Mr. Washington, I also shared with him that my second husband’s birthday was on the same day, same month, and same year as his birthday, December 28, 1954. May he RIP. Mr. Washington replied, Wow, I would love to have met him. I used to tell my husband at that time that he was my Denzel. I have autographed photographs and a boxing glove from Mr. Washington that he gifted me for my birthday over the years. I will always cherish them and have much love and respect for the Washington family.

I Am Most Grateful And I Thank You Sir With ALL My Heart! A Multitude of Peace and Blessings Be Unto You and Your Lovely Family.

INTRODUCTION

Perspective

Introduction: Perspective

M y memoir first percolated in my mind about four years ago, and I adjusted the intensity of my writing for a couple of years, often jumping into the mess of words, only to quit and relinquish everything to the back burner. How do I—as a widow, world traveler, mother, grandmother, and retired schoolteacher—rip open the scars to inspect the pain of the past? I couldn’t finish it, so I sporadically wrote additional chapters for the manuscript while working on building a real estate investment business during the COVID pand emic.

The deaths of my late husband, Densuma Crusha Alexander Henry; my youngest brother, Tony Anthony Butler (TAB); and my best friend, Ora Lendzy, in 2018, were followed two years later by the death of my middle brother, Melvin Butler; maternal uncle, Lloyd Bud Tensley; and fraternal aunt, Eula Mae Lil Gal Dixon. Their deaths convinced me to complete the book.

I Don’t Need to Fit In and I Am Custom-Made are transformational messages from a world traveler. It gives readers insider knowledge of my favorite places—where I have lived and traveled abroad, like Jamaica, Australia, Italy, and Thailand; and it shares my experiences with celebrities that I have worked with and the impact they have had on my life. Celebrities such as Angela Yvonne Davis, Mike Tyson, Mike McCallum, Chris Byrd, DMX, Prince, Les Brown, and BB King.

This book also offers invaluable advice for both prisoners and their families, as well as firsthand stories from a mother’s perspective.

The advice is for prisoners and families and provides a wealth of information that parents of incarcerated children should keep in mind to make their difficult journey a bit easier for all, from not getting into trouble with other inmates to navigating visitation (among other things).

I am a Hawaii-based inmate consultant and advocate who has never been arrested and never served time in jail or prison, but my son is serving a life plus ninety years’ sentence for a crime he did not commit in Hawaii.

One chapter of this book provides a preparatory section to get the reader set for visiting inmates and coping with having a loved one inside. It challenges stereotypes, outdated ways of thinking, and some of our personal insecurities about being a widow. And I give personal tips and quotes at the beginning of each chapter to make it easy to apply the wisdom of each distinct destination and chapter to your everyday life. Along with my coverage of what leads to success!

It defines transition as the emotional and attitudinal response to what is inevitable—change. As I travel from one place to another, I bid farewell and grieve that which has become so familiar and comfortable, move into both the fear of uncertainty and the joy of wonder, and then utter aloha and welcome to the opportunities of learning new cultures, new people, new places, new possibilities, and life-affirming.

What I learn as I write, read, and hear the words of companions on this life journey is a call to deepen my meaning of the transitional experience. My relationship with change and traveling abroad is about emotions and attitude and now more. I am called to transform—to appreciate the sacredness of my identity, my essence as that which joins with what is both more than and at the same time one with who I am. I am custom-made. What helps me understand the practicality of transformation is how water transforms to ice or to steam while the molecules of the water remain the same. Also, the same water that hardens an egg softens a potato.

My personal healing journey, my work as a life coach, my relationship with my God as a spiritual presence, and my relationships with other human beings that I meet while traveling—all these speak to me words of wisdom about the continual transformation of the mind, body, and soul. I watch and listen for the Spirit to reveal itself through connection, traveling, belonging, and in nature.

Thanks to you all who read my book, who both relate to and doubt my words, and who remain open—in this season and beyond—to joy, peace, and love as transformational messages and experiences for good health and longevity.

When I was growing up, my parents, Percy (Doobaby) and Lucille Butler, taught me that I didn’t have to fit in. I was given the freedom to be as unique as I aspired to be. I am most grateful for the sacrifices my parents made in order for me to reach this point. I was ambitious, though I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do, but my parents sacrificed to buy me a guitar and lessons one year a piano and piano lessons the next year, and every year I wanted to explore something different. I never felt like I had to fit in to get their approval. My parents blessed me and fully supported me as I pursued my career and educational aspirations.

As I write this, I am fifty-nine years old, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. So far in my life, I’ve been with the Department of Labor (DOL), Veterans Employment and Training Services (VETS), and a Transition Assistance Program (TAP) facilitator for every military branch. I have owned a real estate consultant and investment company (Powerhouse Real Estate Investment [PREI]), a limousine company (Debonair Limo Services), an entertainment investment company (Powerhouse Production Company), Auntie Deb’s Hair Braiding and Cornrows Salon. I have been a worldwide life coach; Unites States Government FEMA inspector contractor; special educator; actress; teacher on the set (Wrangler); television, newspaper, and radio news reporter; talk show host; community counselor; professional boxer; executive protection specialist (EPS) / bodyguard; mental health technologist; professional singer; motivational speaker; associate pastor of an AME church; chairman of the board / president and founder of the Foundation Assisting Hawaii’s Inmates and Families (FAHIF); secretary and treasurer for the African American Chamber of Commerce–Hawaii; grant writer and former president of the READ Foundation. I have graduated from historically black colleges and universities (HBCU’S), and I have graduated from predominantly white colleges and universities. I have been the only woman as well as the only black woman in all sorts of rooms. I have been a bride three times, divorced two times, and a widow torn up by grief. I am a mother of two sons and a grandmother of two grandsons and one granddaughter.

My life has been quite a ride!

There is still a lot I don’t know about life and what the future holds for me. But I do know myself. My father taught me to be unique, to explore, and to not give in to the pressure from colleagues and friends to fit in and be their definition of normal. I have always trusted and believed what my father taught me because I had his unconditional love, full support, and blessings—without which I would not have made it. It was his belief in me and the vision I had for myself that I believed in that I was able to believe in myself—because he was always believing in me, and I am forever indebted to my parents, who were always there for me. I am honored to have had such loving, supportive, strong, and caring parents.

Actually, it is a small yet enormous world, overflowing with amazing people and places that even with nine lifetimes you would not come close to seeing it all. I’ve traveled the world

extensively. I’ve met people that were in the same place at the same time as I was, once we started discussing our travels. And so many times, I thought, Wow! What a small world. But it’s not until you really start traveling and exploring that you realize how big the world really is. It’s when you meet interesting people in small faraway towns that you begin to wonder, How many more amazing people are waiting to be met? How many incredible stories are waiting to be told? How many more places are there to be found—all with their own myths, scandals, legends, and stories?

But more importantly, you realize that you cannot meet all these people or see all these places. The world is too big. And in a world so big, you don’t have to concern yourself with fitting in because you’re insignificant. You yourself are also just someone waiting to be met. So even though back home you probably considered yourself the most important person in the universe, in reality, you are a nobody.

There are 7 billion people on this planet. If you disappeared tomorrow without a trace, how many people do you think would actually care?

As a child, I learned to get in where I fit in because there were kids who wouldn’t play with me because I have light skin. They would call me names like High Yellow, Red Bone, and Dirty Red, but because I used to like playing in the mud, I didn’t mind being called dirty, but I hated being called red, red bone, and high yellow. Those were fighting words to me.

I thought, How ironic that the first hostility would come from my own race of people, if you will. I have never been sensitive as far as people and bullies go. When you learn to accept yourself, you will realize that fitting in with people is overrated. You will be much happier being yourself than faking it and forcing yourself to be someone you’re not. It is also important to know when to move on when people are no longer helping you grow, when you’re having to be someone you’re not when you’re with them. It’s okay to leave those people behind and go on your way; you’ll meet more people, and just because you used to belong with them does not mean you have to stay with them now.

I couldn’t understand why my own race of people acted like dark skin and light skin were two different races; then I came to the conclusion that only stupid, obtuse, foolish, dense, idiotic, simple, uneducated, senseless, birdbrained, weak-minded, simpleminded, dumb, moronic, slow, half-witted, ignorant, knuckleheaded black people act like light skin and dark skin are two different races!

It is time for a change, and the time for that change is now! We as a people must learn to love one another and stop hating on our own skin color. As a race of people, we come in all flavors, if you will. Even within nationalities and ethnicities, we have varieties of every physical feature—all of which we can appreciate. Not just skin tone, but also eye color, hair color, facial and body features. They should draw us closer—not separate and alienate us. Toni Morrison says it best: Listen, baby, people do funny things. Specially us. The cards are stacked against us and just trying to stay in the game, stay alive and in the game, makes us do funny things. Things we can’t help. Things that make us hurt one another (Song of Solomon).

I was a tomboy growing up. I climbed trees when other girls played with dolls; I have only had two dolls in my lifetime. I was seven years old when the first black barbie doll was introduced. It was the Julia doll! Julia was a hit TV show that ran from 1968 to 1971. Diahann Carroll played Julia Baker, a widowed single mom and registered nurse. This was a groundbreaking role because it was one of the first prime-time shows to feature a black woman in a non-stereotypical role. Even though I never played with it, I kept it on my bookshelf as a trophy.

I swallowed a small portion of glass when I was a child because I wanted to go to the Mardi Gras parade, and my parents wouldn’t take me because I was on punishment for beating up the boy next door and hitting him in the head with a brick. My parents rushed me to the hospital, and my attending physician gave me a Raggedy Ann doll for being such a good patient. Needless to say, I disposed of the doll as soon as I returned home. I played football, shot marbles, and root the peg. I kept fancy pocketknives. They weren’t just good for throwing the knives in the ground and picking it up with your teeth, it was also good for eating an apple like a badass.

My favorite way to throw the knife was to take the point of the blade between the first and second fingers of the right hand and flip it with a jerk so that the knife turns once around in the air and strikes the point into the ground. I also liked placing the point of the blade on top of my head and holding it in place with my forefinger, and with a downward push, I’d send it toward the earth, where it must stick with the point of the blade in the earth.

In my teenage years, when other girls wore dresses, got their nails done, and went to parties, I was only interested in playing my guitar and going with my uncles and cousins to shoot pool at the pool halls. I was thirty years old when I started wearing makeup, and I became a female boxer until I was forty-one. It never mattered to me that I didn’t fit in with other females because I didn’t let it. My mom used to say, Don’t concern yourself about what others think of you. Don’t confine yourself to that type of prison in your mind. She would say, Just because you don’t fit in doesn’t mean you are not every bit as beautiful, talented, or smart as them.

My dad was my hero; he would add, As a matter of fact, there is something so special and unique about you that it sets you apart, and it’s time for you to get busy concerning yourself about what God thinks of you instead of these people, because people don’t have a hell or heaven to put you in.

My message to you who are reading this today is plain and clear. God has set you apart for a reason. You are called to stand out, to be different. You are called to set a new trend, to pave a new way. You are called to do something others are scared out of their minds to do.

So in this period where you feel rejected, uninvited, unloved, and like you’ve never really fit in, please remember this: God is shaping and molding you into the person you are supposed to be. He has such an enormous work to do within you, that the things of this world may prove to be a distraction from your call.

You may be in this world, but you are not of it. God may have you in His hiding place right now, but I promise you that is where His greatest work is done. You are going to move mountains. You are going to reach people.

Don’t let discrimination stop you. It occurs within every race, every broad color group (regardless of race), every ethnicity, every culture, and every group that shares some immediately apparent physiological trait—but not only physical traits, ideological and behavioral traits also. Ultimately, we are all part of the same race: the human race. Yet we can always find something to divide over—and hate and kill over.

What, exactly, is the point of identifying questionable, reproachable, unwise, nefarious, hypocritical, or stupid behavior within a particular division of humanity—however you want to classify them? I mean, what if we come to a consensus that the behavior is wrong? What are we going to do? Go find and punish these people? No? Then are we going to try to get them to repent of their ways? Okay, all you lighter-skin blacks who think you’re better than darker-skin blacks, or darker-skin blacks who think you’re better than lighter-skin blacks, knock it off, or I’m gonna write an entire book about you!

Does anyone reading this think those who practice such behavior are simply going to change because they have been called out? And wait a minute! Don’t people who are the same color—whether white, brown, beige, yellow, ebony, red, pinkish, peach, orange, off-white, or black—discriminate among themselves on all kinds of bases, without exception? If it’s not skin color, it’s body shape, economic class, profession, education, intelligence, religion, political affiliation, sex, dietary preferences, ideologies, beliefs, medical opinions, medical choices, social customs, traditions, and even personal interests, such as hobbies or sports.

If there’s one person you can be real with, it’s yourself, so be you.

Accept that you may never fit in, and you know what? That’s okay, because you don’t need to fit in!

It’s okay to be different and not fit in. Maybe it’s actually a mark of intelligence that you can’t just go along with the crowd, that you can’t just accept things at face value, and that you have to dig deeper and question them.

Find that one person or those two or three people in this world who accept you and love you for you, who will still love you even when your beliefs change, even when you grow and question things; someone who will love you every step of the way. Those people are the ones who truly matter. You may never find a group of people who believe the same things, who will change with you, but that’s okay.

Often old friends want to hold on to the person they think you are, the person they accept and understand. In some people’s minds, you will never change, and they will always see the old you or the fake you and never really know the real you. It’s easier for people to accept what they understand and hard to accept those they don’t understand.

We may never fit in, but that is okay; we are unique and brilliant because of that. Because of our inability to fit in, maybe we are more capable of accepting ourselves and accepting others, seeing beyond narrow beliefs, behaviors, and expectations. Maybe we are actually free. Being unable to fit in might be lonely, but I am beginning to think it is a good thing.

We learned we can never meet people’s expectations, so we give up trying and let go of trying to please people. Instead, we learn to finally be true to ourselves, which is the most courageous thing a person can do. Be you! Do you! You are brilliant, courageous, smart; and don’t let the people who don’t understand you put you down or tell you otherwise.

I Don’t Need to Fit In is me, plain and simple. I am custom-made, one of a kind. And so are you. You are unique, you are special, you are the only specimen of you. You are in a class all by yourself. You are incomparable, and you have no need to fit in.

One thing that’s very noticeable among well-travelled people is how