Tech-ology A Digitally New Way to Raise Happy Kids

By Angie Rumaldo

TECH-OLOGY A Digitally New Way to Raise Happy Kids demystifies the digital era for parents, illuminating the science, culture, and psychological implications for your children.

Through a series of self-discovery and detailed action plans, Dr. Rumaldo, a licensed clinical psychologist, guides you towards address

• Language: English
• Publisher: True Pursuit Psychological Services, PC
• Release date: Jan 16, 2021
• ISBN: 9780999156049

Angie Rumaldo

Angie Rumaldo, Ph.D., APN, BC-MHNP, is a licensed clinical psychologist and Advanced Practice Nurse. She has over fifteen years of experience working in the mental health field. She has worked with individuals, couples, and groups in a variety of settings. She is the executive director for True Pursuit Psychological Services, PC, located in Manhattan and in the Bronx. Dr. Rumaldo incorporates a supportive, flexible, and integrative approach, utilizing interpersonal, psychodynamic, and cognitive behavioral techniques. Dr. Rumaldo was trained as a scientist-practitioner and has conducted individual, family, couple, and group therapy in a variety of settings, including a domestic violence shelter, community mental health center, and hospital and outpatient settings. She has also performed psychological testing for over a thousand clients for the last eight years in a variety of settings. She is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) and specializes in cognitive behavioral techniques. She is a member of the American Psychological Association, American Nursing Association, American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress, and New York State Psychological Association. Dr. Rumaldo has worked as an associate adjunct professor at Manhattan College and in other teaching facilities, where she taught at the graduate or undergraduate level, in the department of Mental Health and Counseling and the Department of Psychology.

Book preview

Introduction

"No, you don’t understand. I need to be on Snapchat and Instagram! You’re old and things are different now."

—A wise fourteen-year-old girl

I’m sitting on one of our six chairs of our oak wood dining room table with my family of four. My two daughters are across from me and my husband is sitting at the head of the table to my side. We are in the middle of dinner and I find myself having the same tired old argument with my daughters: Stop using the phone while we are eating together. Frustration and anger rise up—how many ways and times can I ask them to stop using the phone while we are sharing a meal together? I feel the weight of impressing upon my family how important it is to have family time—a time to be thankful for our meal and blessings, a time to check in with each other and reconnect at the end of the day. Really, a ritual that has been established since they were born. Why, why, why must I have this argument with them almost every day? And of course, my oldest daughter utters a statement that immediately disregards what I said and my belief system and accuses me of being old and outdated. I felt like a discarded 1980 floppy disk, but then I started really listening to what she said. "No, you don’t understand. I need to be on Snapchat and Instagram! You’re old and things are different now."

Hmmm …

Normally, I would debate this comment. I am certainly not old, and I do understand. In fact, it is my job to understand. As a mother and as a psychologist, it’s my job to understand my child’s perspective. Additionally, I am professionally trained to understand the emotional and mental health needs of individuals. However, as I started writing this book, I began to accept that we are living in a different culture and maybe I don’t understand as well as I thought I did. Children and teenagers today live in a culture that has a new language with different sets of rules and expectations. Maybe my teenage daughter is right. Maybe I only assume I understand.

A few years ago, I taught a class called Bilingual and Multicultural Assessment of Linguistically and Culturally Diverse Students. Its purpose was to help future teachers, counselors, and therapists to gain sensitivity and awareness of cultural factors when working with their clients. In essence, students learned that immigrant children and their families should be recognized within the context of their experiences. As providers, we should appreciate and respect their norms, language, and culture to be sensitive to differences and their struggles. By recognizing their unique culture, we would be more equipped to communicate with them and help with their struggles. We must approach counseling through the eyes of the client and, of course, be aware of our own biases and preconceived judgments.

What if I approached this technologically driven world in the same way? What if we as parents and professionals understood this use of social media and new technology as a new culture, a new way of being? What if I was being biased and not seeing my child’s world through her eyes? As parents, have we accepted this technological-driven world as a new culture? Have we learned to understand this culture, with its new rules and language? This lack of awareness gives rise to the clash with the new generation, called Generation Z.

OMG,I said to myself. My daughter is right. I don’t understand.

After this discussion, I decided to do some further exploring into my own preconceived ideas, and those of my children. This book is a result of my experiences with my own children and the many concerns and complaints voiced by the parents that I have met in my practice. Tech-ology is the product of my desire to better relate to my daughter’s experiences in this era, to understand the reality of this new generation.

As you read this book, you will be provided with a large amount of information. Some of the information you will acquire throughout the book may be difficult to absorb and accept. Others will make sense and be easy to implement in your home. Use the information to educate yourself and to transcend beyond your own biases, to clear those biases, and better parent your child. Join me in the journey to understand this new way of life in the society that our children live in. We all can grow and become better parents.

Some people may read this and say to themselves, I am very comfortable in this digital age. I know what’s hip and what’s going on. I am on social media just as much as my child is. I play video games and I have an online network. Others may be saying the exact opposite, as they abhor digital technology or do not allow social media or much technology use in their home. And some may be in the middle. Regardless of which category you fit into, there are certain parameters you should be aware of. It doesn’t matter if you think you are technologically savvy, spend a lot or a little of time online or with your device of choice. What does matter is the effect it has on the brain, our social norms, and our collective future. This book will help you make decisions based on research in regard to social media, video games, and other forms of technology as well as help you regulate your child’s use based on appropriate developmental behavior, while being appropriately sensitive to your child’s culture and needs.

On two occasions, while doing research for this book, I read the term immigrant, which Merriam-Webster defines as a person who comes to a country to take up permanent residence. I challenge you to perceive yourself as an immigrant in the digital age. Essentially, we are taking up permanent residence in this new digital world (country). As such, we have to learn the new codes of manners, language, rituals, and norms of behavior. Children and teens from this generation have a different belief system. They live and are raised in a different culture than we were. Yes, we raised them, but they are living in a different country, so to speak, than the one we lived in.

TAKE HOME TIP

Remember, you were born in the twentieth century and that alone indicates that you are an immigrant to the new digital culture (new way of being) while our children are natives (born to the digital culture). We have to work toward learning the new ideals, expectations, and potential dangers. With this newfound knowledge and values we can effectively parent with less tension and more harmony within the home.

Let’s define the word culture, again per Merriam-Webster: The characteristic features of everyday existence (such as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time.

It’s challenging but try to imagine your child’s experience through this concept. We—the immigrants—are struggling to keep up and identify with their everyday existence, their communication, norms, and values. We are assimilating into their culture. As such, we can expect miscommunication and confusion between us and our children. We experience similar challenges that any new immigrant arriving to the United States would experience—possible struggles can include not knowing how to speak the language and not understanding mannerisms or even jokes of the country because we are subjected to new sets of values and norms.

W8 (internet language for wait)

You are rightly concerned if you are somewhat resistant to the concept that our children have their own values and norms. We are their parents and we set the values and norms. It is our job as a parent to impart the family’s values and norms. Just be aware that they must integrate them with their own experiences, values, and norms. It is tough being a child or teen during this time. Teens are busy forming their own identity and differentiating themselves from their parents. For centuries, children and parents have often struggled with identity formation because it may conflict with your values and cultures from your generation. The new generation will always have a different experience than the prior generation—this is called the generation gap.

However, this new generation is unique and the changes in technology have been much more rapid than the changes in the past. The invention of the Smartphone and other technological products changed the culture of the world rather quickly, creating an even bigger gap between generations than has ever been experienced in history. Children and teenagers today have an unbelievable amount of access to information compared to our time. The breakneck pace of communication has created stronger and smarter kids. We need to catch up and meet them at their level.

TAKE HOME TIP

If it is not clear yet, children and teenagers today are definitely living in a different world than our world and to effectively parent and connect with them, we must be aware and prepare for this.

(emoji for Rewind)

Still struggling with the concept of superfast change and living in a new culture? Let’s rewind for a second and talk about the pen. We can all agree that we have and probably use pens, a very handy tool that has existed since we were born. In fact, the first modern-day fountain pen was created in 1827. Now imagine never using a pen again. It sounds ridiculous but it can certainly be true today. You may wonder how we can communicate our messages and thoughts if we do not have a writing utensil as archaic as a pen. I know you may think I am exaggerating, but am I?

Many schools now, at least in New York City, are transitioning to iPads and laptops for note taking. In 2018, I visited five high schools, and two of them exclusively used iPads, for both textbooks and note taking. The schools boasted that children no longer needed a book bag, thereby obliterating some of the concerns of forgetting a book or a homework assignment and even physical concerns, like having less back pain since there is no need to carry heavy books. Later on in this book, we will explore reasons why this is not the best idea. However, we begin to see the transition from paper to electronics within the school system.

Now, stop. Can you imagine a world without pens? It is especially easy if you notice that you carry your Smartphone or iPad everywhere you go. Let’s be real, most of us always have our smart phones with us because they are full of useful tools that do not require a pen—notepads, daily planner, word processor, calculator, etc.

Let’s talk about direct deposit, a wonderful innovation. Direct deposit has truly made my life much more convenient, a fabulous invention of this new time. Expanding upon this idea, have you been to a bank recently? Most banks today no longer have pens laid out on tables. Why? Because there is no need for deposit slips. Today we simply enter our card into the touch screen ATM or teller and make your deposit. Maybe paper, too, will eventually go obsolete.

Social media and handheld technology devices have truly become a way of life for many children, teenagers, and adults. Part of being a parent is accepting that technology is part of your child’s overall development. Technology today is tied to your child’s psychological and emotional health because it is part of personal growth and we should value it as such.

So, it turns out that my daughter is right—things are different now. But that does not mean that we can’t or don’t understand the value of social media and technology. Social media and technology have a host of benefits that honestly are an essential and integral part of life. They provide access to information that is lightning speed, entertainment, quick and efficient communication between parties, and so much more that will be explored throughout this book. Sure, we can exist without social media and video games, as many have in the past. However, it is difficult for a teenager born to a digital world to ignore social media and technology today. Most children have been exposed to technology since birth. It would be insensitive and inappropriate to ignore its influences and impact on your child.

You may be asking, Dr. Rumaldo, why are you discussing the marvels of technology? It sounds like you are advocating for the continued tolerance and use of these mediums. I begin this way to help you understand that in order to best manage our children and their behavior toward social media, we must understand and value social media. Many parents may feel ambivalent, scared, worried about these changes and the rapid growth of technology. We want to protect them because we want the best for them and we want to advise them in a way that will lead to optimal personal and professional growth. The best way to accomplish this is to understand we are living within their culture, we must learn their language (social and written), their values, and their struggles. Utilizing this information collectively will effectively work for us rather than enslaving us. In light of this, you will notice (if you haven’t already) that throughout the book, I will be using emojis and internet language. As you join me in this journey, try to assimilate all this new information. The true ideal goal, however, is for everyone to achieve not acculturation but biculturalism. I will define the terms below because although they are similar in meaning, there are slight subtleties that I want you to understand.

Let’s define the word assimilate:

Take in (information, ideas, or culture) and understand fully.

defined by Oxford Pocket Dictionary

Let’s define the word acculturation:

Assimilation to a different culture, typically the dominant one.

defined by Oxford Pocket Dictionary

Let’s define the word biculturalism:

Bicultural identity is the condition of being oneself regarding the combination of two cultures. The term can also be defined as biculturalism, which is the presence of two different cultures in the same country or region.

defined by Wikipedia

In this new era, we want to take in and fully understand the ideas, language, and culture that our children live in, but we also want to coexist in this new culture with our norms, values, and culture. In other words, achieving biculturalism will enable us to happily coexist within our culture (our norms, rules, etc.) and that of your child’s culture (the new technological norms, rules, etc.).

I coined the term Tech-ology, which means The study of obtaining the knowledge, techniques, and tools, to parent in this digital and technological age. It is my hope that in reading this book you will become a tech-ology expert.

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Angie Rumaldo and I am a licensed clinical psychologist and psychiatric nurse practitioner in a few different states. My practice True Pursuit Psychological Services has two offices that are continually expanding in the New York area, namely in the Bronx and in Manhattan. I have been practicing in the mental health field since 2002 in different environments and have had the opportunity to work with many different cultures and people. Due to advances in technology and modern personal preferences, online therapy is offered at our regular therapy rate. The nonprofit I started was for those who have no or little financial means for mental health services. We also offer training and vocational services for those who receive mental health services. Throughout my career I have also had the opportunity to teach psychology and education in a variety of different colleges in both the graduate and undergraduate level.

In 2017 I wrote Understanding Your Child’s and Teen’s Behavior: Simple Steps and Resources to Guide You Through the Journey. The book is a series of action plans to help parents and kids correct common behavioral problems before they inflict lasting damage. It offers insights into typical issues at each phase of an adolescent’s growth and development; you’ll learn red-flag behaviors early on and develop a plan to fix them. I realized that I needed to write another book when it became clear the impact that device use was having on the parent-child relationship. Too many children and parents were coming into my office dissatisfied with their relationship, reporting discontent and disconnection within the family due to frequent disagreements about technology.

Most importantly, I have two teenage girls, a thirteen- and a fourteen-year-old. Both have very different personalities, are extraordinarily demanding, and continuously test my ability to be a parent and a professional. Oh my goodness, my children are the most humbling teachers and very quickly bring me back to reality. They constantly push me to reassess and make changes to my parenting. In my opinion, parenting is the toughest job you can have. It leads to so many doubts, worries, and concerns. It requires flexibility, patience, and knowledge.

I want to help other parents make educated decisions. So whenever you are feeling doubtful about your actions—i.e., Am I being too strict, am I not being strict enough, is it possible that I don’t get it?—you will be equipped to manage your child’s social media behavior appropriately and have a culturally appropriate discussion with them that speaks to their language and culture while also addressing your concerns.

How to Use This Book

This book is for parents who are struggling with their children and teenagers in regard to the use of the internet, video games, and social media. It’s my goal to educate parents about these topics and offer ways to best manage and end those long fights with your child about stopping its use. Hopefully, it will also help you understand your child and their view of those mediums. As technology and culture evolves, we as parents must evolve too. The book will contain real-life quotes, self-exploratory questions, research, professional suggestions, tech-ological perspective, tools, and recommendations that can be used to help address the concerns discussed in each chapter. Particularly, the section titled the tech-ological perspective will connect the research you just read with the cultural expectations of today to help you arrive at biculturalism.

Upon reading the book, parents or caregivers will feel better equipped and know if they are acting responsibly when choosing to monitor or not monitor their child’s media and video game time. Although this book is geared for parents, many professionals—such as therapists, psychiatrists, primary care providers, lawyers, police officers, corrections officers, child protective service workers, human resources personnel, and mentors—may find the research and tools suggested in this book to be helpful in their ability to provide care to their clients.

You will find this book helpful if you want:

Summary of current studies that answer questions like does the screen affect my child’s vision? or do violent video games cause my child to be violent?

Specific recommendations on