Mom, What Is the Opposite of Guacamole?: A Book of Hilarious and Thoughtful Kids’ Quotes

By Kelly Stone

“Mom, if your stomach was more in and your boobs were more out, you’d look really pretty.”

Kids are known for making unfiltered comments at the most inopportune times. Embracing that rollercoaster, this compilation of humorous sayings by children celebrates the loopty-loo of parenting through direct quotes from the mouths of babes.

Kelly Stone, stand-up comedian and mother of two, shares the outrageous—and at times oddly insightful—observations and questions she has recorded from her children over the years. As her children contemplate why they can’t just leave third grade and buy a house, whether the Tooth Fairy is really Santa Claus, and why rich people have so many bushes in front of their homes, other parents will find solidarity, commiseration, chuckles, and maybe just a few more reasons why birth control is the greatest invention ever.

Mom, What is the Opposite of Guacamole? is a collection of hilarious and astute quotes from children that encourages laughter and provides the comforting knowledge that we are not the only ones whose children ask why there is cake at funerals.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Apr 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9781480873193

Kelly Stone

Kelly stone is a locally-famous8 sex educator, comedian, and baby momma. she’s performed in the Women in Comedy festival, finished the Texas Water safari, and given a Tedx Talk. she lives with her sons and their foster-fail pup, marveling daily at their insights, wisdom, and curiosities, while savoring the hearty laughs and warm hugs. she’s taught university for many years and travels the country to speak to a variety of health topics, yet she’s still trying to figure out how to keep her kids from smearing greek yogurt on the furniture. To learn more about this author and to bring Kelly stone to your community, organization or campus, please visit: kellystone.org Kelly’s still busy trying to stop her kids when they try to dart across a busy street. if you see them, lend a hand! There’s safety in numbers, and it takes a village.

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Copyright © 2021 Kelly Stone.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Archway Publishing

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.archwaypublishing.com

844-669-3957

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

ISBN: 978-1-4808-7320-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-7321-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-7319-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018914728

Archway Publishing rev. date: 04/23/2021

Contents

Preface

Introduction

Givers of Advice

Old Souls

Texans

Dude Bros

Engineers

Relationship Experts

Scientists

Existential Philosophers

Forward Thinkers

Sweet, Sweet Angels

Assholes

Grossers

In Mom’s Shoes

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About the Boys

For Mayne and Denly.

You dudes have exponentially

expanded my questioning of the universe,

and I am humbly grateful.

Preface

Friends,

I’m tickled to meet you, and I’m especially