Callin’ out the Gays: And the Straights and Everyone In-Between

By Larkin Ellzey

For thirty-eight years, author Larkin Ellzey lived the quintessential Southern and American life in nearly every respect. Every respect but one: he is the last person on earth who wants to be gay, but he is, and there is nothing he can do to change it. As such, he wants to change the stigma that encompasses the natural occurrence of same-sex attraction.

In Callin’ Out the Gays, he highlights the backward reality of homosexuality and demonstrates how everyone—gay, straight, and in between—has handled the concept in a devastatingly wrong way. Focusing on the societal and political issues facing homosexual people, he proposes a swift shift in strategy and a plan for rebranding. Employing thought-provoking rationale, Ellzey presents a plea to utilize all resources in putting forward a campaign to improve the public’s misguided perception of homosexuality. On the other side of the spectrum, he questions the motives of straight people actively opposed to gay people, breaks down the flawed religious argument, and encourages gay people who are faking straight to help homosexuals out with their numbers issue.

With a little bit of humor, a dose of sarcasm, tons of pop culture and political references, and an age of the internet style, Callin’ Out the Gays offers Ellzey’s unique personal story in the form of a proposal to society for a refresher and a revived outlook—one focused on reasonability as well as accountability.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Apr 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9781480886902

Larkin Ellzey

Larkin Ellzey is a native of South Carolina currently living in Atlanta, Georgia as a corporate attorney. He thinks we can correct the ridiculous and ruinous stigma tied to same sex attractions, and has some thoughts on how to do so.

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Copyright © 2021 Larkin Ellzey.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Archway Publishing

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB), Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

ISBN: 978-1-4808-8689-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-8688-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-8690-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020904778

Archway Publishing rev. date: 05/04/2021

CONTENTS

Opening Notes

Societal Classifications and Stereotypes

The Gays

The Strategy and Structure

The Stereotypes

The Personal Story

The Proposals

The Straights

The Question

The Fictitious Choice

The Cure

The Faux Religious War

The Holdouts

Closing Notes

The preparation of this manuscript took place in the years, months, weeks, and days leading up to our world encountering the COVID-19 outbreak and the concurrent uprising over racial injustice. The global observance of the need to unite to overcome a pandemic and the national experience of addressing deep-rooted racial unrest have reinforced the fact that we, as human beings, are a precious life form and that we, as a society, must work together to protect and promote that precious form of life. The message below is exactly the same.

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The finishing touches to this manuscript took place during the infamous campaign, election, and transition of the presidency of the United States in the infamous year of 2020 and the cardinal year of 2021. These events have left our nation hurt and torn, but they have also taught us that we need a new system—one focused on reality, common sense, and decency. The message below is exactly the same.

OPENING

NOTES

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As I start typing today, June 6, 2015, I sit at a computer with a story to tell, a series of points to deliver, and a multitude of decisions and strategies to mull over. I have effectively put this day, and the days to come, on hold. I put this day on hold so that I could live my life as closely as possible to the one I would have chosen to live if that decision had been mine.

For nearly forty years, my life has been one that so many would dream of: good health, boundless opportunity, and people who love me. God has given me serviceable personal characteristics across the board, an enriching array of friends, and a dynamic family unit that surrounds me with support, decency, and ingrained love. I am overwhelmingly appreciative of the life I have been handed and the people who have played a role in it.

There is, however, one fundamental characteristic of my life that others certainly do not dream of having, and that characteristic has derailed the otherwise smooth-traveling train this could have been. Apparently, I had too much to drink when pre-gaming for life and checked the wrong damn box in a most crucial of categories, so here I am. Here I am writing about a trait that I have and its twisted, irrational circumstances. Here I am trying to make sense of it, trying to justify it, and trying to reconstruct it for the betterment of all who carry it.

My life could have been close to perfect if only I hadn’t had this trait. But I do have it, and as a result, all of those positive circumstances I’ve lived with for so long have been tainted in so many ways. They’ve been altered and re-envisioned, shaken up and reconfigured, all based on a worldwide culture confused by homosexuality throughout the history of humanity.

But this is not how the typical narrative goes. This is not the inspirational story describing one’s courage in coming out of the closet. It can’t be, because I’m still very much in the closet, and courage is not exactly the word: I’m scared shitless. This is also not a platform to fight for gay marriage, organize gay parades, or protest on behalf of bathroom laws.

This manifesto fosters a more foundational approach: a petition to homosexual and bisexual men and women (the gays), along with the organizations and leaders representing us, to revisit the big-picture strategic plan while paying particular respect to the way we collectively present the complex concept of same-sex attraction to people who are not gay (the straights). This can be a quick glance for our individuals, an in-depth study for our organizations, or an internal analysis for the closeted world, but reality must be the bedrock, and the go-forward plan must be heavy on logic, efficiency, and accountability.

On the other side of the Kinsey scale, the petition to the straights is to take a look at the way they think about and act toward homosexuals and to do so with one clear, undebatable fact in mind: no one chooses to be gay. I’m asking them to examine why so many find homosexuality to be so deplorable without any reasonable rationale.

Succinctly put, the goals here are to (a) convince the gays that a change in strategy can change the stratosphere, (b) convince the straights to be complicit, and (c) convince those holding out to come forward with the liberating truth. I’m callin’ out the gays, the straights, and the gays faking straight, and I’m doing so because I’ve had a couple of decades to sit around and silently stew on how nonsensical the entire situation is—all while dreaming of what it can be.

The Burden Is Ours

I have hidden my homosexuality throughout the course of my life in every measure possible. I can hardly bear to type the truth as I sit here planning out how to break this news—the news that will turn my life, and that of my family, upside down.

I’m pissed off about it and taxed to no end. Why do I have to hide it? Why, after so many centuries of recognized homosexuality, is it still the only socially crippling natural characteristic? Why is it worse to be gay, a category certain people are born into that doesn’t hurt unrelated people, than it is to be a thief, a category certain people choose to join that does hurt unrelated people? If you look at the initial reaction or thought process of an ordinary person hearing that another individual is gay, you’ll discover that this revelation is more shocking than it is to hear that the individual is a thief. And some people might be more disgusted. We’re talking about a thief—a person who will steal from you.

Am I blaming the straights? No.

While we desperately need a critical mass of heterosexuals to pitch in to legitimize homosexuals and bisexuals, it’s all on the same-sex folks to run with this. We’ve permitted the poor image, so now it’s on us to correct the million-dollar misunderstanding. We need to explain to straight people that homosexuality is a diverse and untraceable human characteristic spanning the entire spectrum of human beings, and that we aren’t the freak shows they think we are. Not by an elimination of self-expression and everyday liberties of the individual, but by announcing to the world that there are many different kinds of homosexuals, just like there are many different kinds of heterosexuals. Actually, some of us overlap.

Furthermore, even if the straights are in the wrong, it doesn’t matter, because it’s totally their call whether to practice acceptance—and we have to understand that. The straights are akin to the king of an old-school monarchy: acceptance of the gays is their call to make, and it’s their call alone. While the proposals set forth in this book do question the motives and reasoning of heterosexual people who are proactively opposed to homosexuality, they also recognize that the process for societal change and acceptance starts with homosexuals convincing heterosexuals that we’re decent people. Most homosexuals meet that attribute, and most heterosexuals aren’t aware of that fact, so let’s inform the world of this misunderstanding and see if that clears up our issues. If we’re dealing in unrelated metaphors with regard to the gays and the overall effort to live better lives, then the straights hold the key, but the gays have their fingers on the trigger of the starting gun. I say we pull the trigger and then beg for the key. Stat.

Broadly speaking, there are two types of gays: those who are in the closet and those who are out. The closeted group includes (a) people like me, who are completely gay and trying to play the I’m happy being single cover for as long as possible, and (b) those who are successfully faking it and have a straight significant other or otherwise routinely date women. The out-of-the-closet gays are, of course, those who have admitted it and are openly gay. Both the closeted and uncloseted gays, for all of eternity, have botched this whole thing in unimaginable ways.

The closeted gays are screwing it up because they won’t admit the facts, which means that the number of gay people for the straights to connect with, know, and love has been drastically reduced.¹ The out-of-the-closet gays are screwing it up because a percentage of them choose to amplify a lifestyle that is seen as taboo. That percentage has a right to live their lives as they choose, but the issue for the entirety of the population is that those lifestyles are attention-grabbing and misleading for so many. That percentage establishes the basis for the modern-day use of the word gay, which, outside of the most concentrated areas of major cities in the Northeast and Northwest, means really bad. As such, I broadly offer up that the in-the-closet gays come out in one big herd, the out-of-the-closet gays simmer down just a little, and the organizations representing this random biological trait promote its diversity, origins, and breadth. Then we sit back and allow acceptance to naturally run its course after a much-delayed start.

All homosexuals have been born into undesirable situations—no doubt about that—but in many cases, we aren’t helping ourselves. Hear this: I used to live in Midtown Atlanta and once met a colleague of mine for a drink in the neighborhood on a Friday night that neither of us realized was the first Friday of the Atlanta Pride festivities. My colleague was a straight woman and exactly the type of person the gays should hope everyone to be: kind, nonjudgmental, and open-minded without constantly telling you about it. The problem is that she was held up for five minutes on the way to the restaurant while a pack of gay Rollerbladers in leotards scooted by. She could do nothing but laugh. Her mindset could have been sympathetic to a group of men who had endured a lifetime of pain and judgment based on the way they were born, or it could have been accepting and nonchalant regarding a nice group of gay men trying to have dinner and enjoy themselves. There are many more possibilities of positive takeaways because we were dealing with a good person who looked at life in a positive light. The gays gave her no choice that night—she spent an hour at dinner gently laughing about how ridiculous they looked.

How does a historically shunned minority group possibly think that a serenade of men Rollerblading around at night in women’s stage clothing is not off-putting to the majority group? How do we think a young couple could look at this display and say, Yes, I would like for those Rollerbladers who are giving my children nightmares to be able to enter into a marriage at our church? How do we not understand this? It’s not because the straights haven’t made it clear, that’s for sure.

I want to know what happens ten, fifty, one hundred years from now if homosexuals and bisexuals educate heterosexuals on our value and creation. We can execute that education simultaneously with revamped group gatherings (a move away from parades), refined symbols (an updated flag), and a respectable image (no more Rollerblades and lots more reasoning). Maybe, just maybe, the closeted gays could then feel free to show who they truly are, and the non-closeted gays could move forward with their lives without the baggage that comes along with this preposterous script. All of a sudden, we’re seen and treated like everyone else unless we otherwise choose. No more harassment, prejudice, and disownment based on birth characteristics, no more exclusion from social clubs or blanket job denials as a result of who one falls in love with, and no more teenagers killing themselves because of the abuse they receive in high school. These milestones, if achievable, would be life-changing for so many, but moving above thieves on the social ladder would be a nice first step.

This book is first and foremost a plea for gay people to unite for the advancement of our people and our implementation into society, but it implicitly pleads to other groups to make changes in themselves. Each group has the same problem: a small percentage generates the reputation for the rest. Thus, it only makes sense for members of each such group to first look at themselves and their counterparts with an eye toward changing the public’s perception of the group overall. Poor public perception is natural and based on collective observations, so the solution is to water down the actions that contribute to such a perception. After that, adjustment of the public’s perception takes place naturally as a result of circumstances and occurrences rather than force and illogical demands. Don’t ask the young family minding their own business to not be disgusted by men Rollerblading down their street in leotards. That will never happen because it’s a natural reaction for them to be disgusted. Instead, let’s stop Rollerblading around the neighborhood in leotards. This is basic.

Each group offends others, and each group is offended by others, so it seems that everyone should collectively search for the middle ground. If you do the offending, quit it (or at least tone it down). If you get offended, lighten up (or at least try to ignore it).

Here’s one quick example of searching for middle ground: instead of wasting one second worrying and debating about whether homosexuals should be married or unionized, how about we all agree that gay people call it a union but receive tax, adoption, housing, credit, and end-of-life benefits identical to a marriage? Participants on each side could then use that freed-up time to engage in endless other actions that are better for themselves and better for this world. In particular are the people who dedicate time to this—those who have weekly activities in the field of gay marriage. Instead of spending minutes of one’s life at a rally, in the courtroom, or at the statehouse fighting for or against romance terminology, why not go to the gym, play golf, go to the dentist, hang out with family, or work every second of that time at one’s real job to make more money and take that trip to the Maldives where people stay in those little huts over the water that look so badass on Instagram? Why would anyone spend time caring what gay people call their relationships when there are so many other valuable undertakings? Take a nap, read a book, or study how one is born gay in the first place. Volunteer at the homeless shelter or take some lonely widow to dinner. Let’s meet in the middle and be done with this silly sideshow of a topic. We’ll call it whatever, but it gets the same stuff as a marriage. Let’s focus on what actually matters. This is the only option, and we can all do it together.

Once we meet in the middle, everyone can take the fall Saturdays off. The straights will be throwing the football with their kids, and the gays will be visiting the newest brunch spot. This non-conformist looks to be doing both brunch and all-day viewing of college football.

Let Me Qualify a Few Things

Callin’ Out the Gays will hopefully be many things, but one for certain is that it’s a mechanism for me to personally take this next step—I admit that from the outset. I want my family and friends and our society to know where I’m coming from and how excruciating and complicated this experience is, and they need to know that it all results from a condition over which the individual has zero control. I want to explain this story—this stance—to the people I love, and here it all is set out in a book that doubles down as a push for large-scale societal change. That push has a plan.

An additional point to note from the outset is that this book is written without exhaustive research. The research can’t be professional-level exhaustive because it’s hampered by circumstances: this text is being prepared in secret. Some of what I say may be wrong from many viewpoints, and some may be wrong outright, and I acknowledge that. There will undoubtedly be points made herein that I later clarify or even change in light of new information or understanding. Knowing this, I have tried to offer alternative thoughts to the specific points made throughout. At the end of the day, I want to get it right.

Regardless of immaterial opinions or positions that may change, the theme of the book as a whole stays the same: all people from all categorizations need to take a clean look at where they are, where they want to be, and whether or not they are going about getting there in the right way. Then we all need to change for the better based on that analysis. We, as a society, must be blatantly accountable. Especially the gays.

While we’re at it, though, let’s look at a current opinion of mine that could possibly be wrong. I think straight people would be far less turned off by gay people if there were no parades at all. I could be wrong, but I still think we should explore the possibility that the statement has some substance.

Maybe we look into it and determine that I’m mistaken and parades do help advance societal acceptance of homosexuals. Maybe they force an understanding that homosexuals are a part of society and must be recognized. Maybe the any publicity is good publicity principle applies. Maybe parades are in part responsible for the recent surge in gay acceptance across this country. It’s possible. Based on my current understanding, I don’t think that’s the case, and I think the gays would be better served by directing that energy to other opportunities, but it’s possible that the parades are helping. I don’t proclaim to be an expert in psychology, just a closeted gay who agrees with the straights that a marching group of men wearing bikini bottoms, high heels, and capes is not a noble look.

I also must be clear on the order of priorities. The goal is global acceptance of the natural trait of physical attraction to one’s own gender, so the first task is to determine what steps take us closest to that goal, considering all the pluses and inevitable minuses of such steps. While the sarcastic soliloquy regarding the panoply of gay stereotypes contained above and below does have a rationale because the public portrayal of these stereotypes carries negative results, the mainstream visibility of certain efforts stomps the side effects. The obvious model is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This show and the attention it garnered undoubtedly perpetuate the stereotype of a gay man acting feminine, but that is a small diversion compared to what the show has otherwise been: a platform for talented and personable homosexuals to connect with the straight world through the medium of entertainment. Queer Eye has showcased entertaining individuals being their authentic selves while allowing society to decide for themselves—and society has liked it. This connection is high on the scope of importance and redirects any analysis of potential negative reverberations. Anytime there is the opportunity for publicity of high performing gay individuals, it is a positive development for the acceptance of homosexuality, and that’s whether or not the participants are bearded men wearing dresses. The publicity of excellence is more important.

So much of what is right and wrong depends upon the individual and his or her particular life story. Countless thoughts, observations, and opinions are set forth throughout this plea, and there will undoubtedly be concepts deemed laughable by some while spot-on by others. I don’t expect that anyone will read this commentary and agree with everything; that’s nearly impossible given the novelty of the collective batch of positions coupled with the fact that such positions do not follow a political playbook. The partisan tendencies of the world today are not reflected in this set of proposals, so I don’t anticipate that anyone will subscribe to everything said like we do for political parties. What I do hope is that everyone reading this book, discussing it with friends, or trashing it for the overuse of dashes takes into consideration the broad points that apply to oneself or one’s affiliated organizations—the points where the reader has perspective or possibly even influence.

All I am asking for is consideration because we can change the world for the better and I’m not sure it will take all that long.

If you’re an out-of-the-closet gay male who expresses himself through an outlandish style of attire but, at the same time, wants to be treated right by other people, consider strategic modification of the wardrobe on certain occasions in order to achieve your stated desires and help out your kind. You can still express yourself, but in more meaningful and never negative ways. You can also still look awesome in public and however the hell you want to in private, so please just consider it.

If you’re a straight person who is repulsed by gay people, consider the fact that most homosexuals are perfectly normal people simply living their lives. Consider that most gay people are far more normal than millions of straight people. Consider gay people like Jake Borelli, David Geffen, Rock Hudson, and me, who have lived life locked in a cage because of a condition we were born with—one that doesn’t hurt anyone other than the person who has it and that person’s family. Consider the fact that a loved one may be hiding in shame because you’re so repulsed. Consider the fact that same-sex attraction is natural. Please consider the fact that God is overseeing all of this.

If you work at a gay rights organization or gay media outlet, please consider the points on brand improvement set forth below. If you’re a devoted Christian, please consider the biblical analysis found later in this text. If you’re a closeted homosexual, please consider the multifaceted impact of your coming out to the world analyzed in the penultimate chapter of this work. If you’re a decent human being, please consider all of this.

Consideration is all that I am asking for. Each person reading this book is either straight, gay, or in between, meaning that each person is addressed herein. If each group takes into consideration the fact that making changes to what they/we do or how they/we act can help achieve the goals that they/we desire, then maybe we’ll all break out of this rut and start seeing some positive results. There’s no other way of going about it—logic is something that is not going to go away.

Fingers crossed for some consideration and some action.

A Unique Perspective

I write this from an amazingly unique perspective. Stereotypically speaking, I don’t look gay, talk gay, dress gay, or act gay. I enjoy steaks and college football, I could hang in all sports growing up, and my favorite cartoon character as a child was He-Man, not She-Ra. I was the president of an all-Southern fraternity at a Southeastern Conference (SEC) university, and I have long been a corporate lawyer working and living in the South with a bunch of straight clients and colleagues. All my close friends are straight, from the Southeast, and card-carrying members of the cool crowd. I hardly know any gays.

No one meeting me ever thinks, Better watch what I say around that guy because he might be gay. Not even close. Not only do they assume I am not gay, they think they’re free to make comments in my presence that may be derogatory toward gay people. Well, they’re right, and they’re wrong.

They’re right in that I don’t care about derogatory gay comments because (a) that’s modern culture and (b) these comments are not all that offensive—they’re not intended to be harmful, and they’re the least of our worries. For a number of reasons, reacting to a derogatory gay comment is not a fight worth having, and one big one is that the person making the comment could be a good person who is accepting of the gays. He or she may be making a joke without overthinking it. Getting into a fuss about a harmless use of a gay-associated term would be counterproductive in that it would be obnoxious and offensive to this person who meant no ill will, and we need this person on our side.

That’s a long way of saying that people are correct in assuming I don’t care about gay comments. They’re incorrect, unfortunately, in assuming that I’m straight. Their thought process is understandable because I don’t display any associated gay characteristics—first or second glance. As for the first glance, my voice doesn’t sound it, I wear traditional men’s clothing, and I’ve never ordered a cosmopolitan at a bar. On the contrary, I’ve got a distinct Southern accent, the only piece of jewelry I own is a watch, and I get my martinis on the rocks because I think martini glass stems look feminine. I also conceal my love of white wine—I’ve got a secret to hide here.

Going further, I don’t possess any of the second-glance characteristics. After looking for the limp wrists, top-down Mazda Miata, quick strides, and awkwardly worn aviators, people envision gay males as being fatherless and misguided. They see them as unhappy, disinterested in fitting in, and not loved. These descriptions are simply not me.

Very little about me meets any of the stereotypes—first glance or otherwise—of a gay person. That’s part of the reason why I think I’m coming at this from a perspective that has not yet truly been heard.

As far as family goes, God has been kind to me. My parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, and all of our pets have been uniquely amazing, and all stand proudly on Team Good. Both sets of grandparents remained happily married until the end and lived comfortable lives focused first on their children and next on their grandchildren. They established an emotional foundation that allowed my parents to flourish in their lives. My parents, in turn, provided my siblings and me with unquestioned dedication, stability, and love. My mom never let one of us leave the house before eating breakfast or without a packed lunch, and my dad, no matter what his work demands were, never missed a sporting event or any large or small milestone. I have been extremely lucky.

My family views the world in a similar way to me, and that could be summarized as follows: let us live our lives and try to enjoy this awesome gift that God has given us, but if you’re asking, let’s spend tax dollars efficiently so we can reduce them, and please do whatever it takes to protect this country. We are Southern people who lean traditional by broad political definition, and we are a loving, wholesome, fun, and involved family by specific human definition. That kind of background and those kinds of sociopolitical leanings make life interesting when one is a closeted gay who understands that becoming an uncloseted gay is the only option left.

Thus, when I see a parade on TV profiling and celebrating what so many in our society are rejecting, I put my head down into my hands, hold it for a second, take a deep breath, and then slowly turn it from one side to the other while calmly exhaling in utter disbelief that this is the approach the gays—my people—are taking to gain equality. To make matters worse, that is how I am personally personified without ever receiving a vote.

This is not a good situation for me. On the one hand, I’ve got a background of family and friends in which it is completely unacceptable to be gay, and on the other hand, I’m a part of a classification that wants to have parades throwing everything considered unacceptable about being gay right in the faces of my family and friends. I would argue that not many people in this world have