Be the Lion!: 10 Guidelines for Men to Be Real and Live Free

By Philip K. Hardin M.A. M.Div. and Kris Kaase Ph.D.

When men get stuck in their relationships, jobs, and unwanted behaviors, they generally have no idea what to do. Most men silently struggle alone or numb themselves with excess alcohol, anger, work, or play. Be the Lion! takes men down a path of learning how to connect with other men through 10 time-tested guidelines. These “real men” strategies offer freedom from isolation, secrets, and judgment, which rob men of living their best lives. Hearing the stories of men’s lives who have been transformed by being in community with other men is inspirational and offers a game-changing paradigm for men today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Feb 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664225459

Philip K. Hardin M.A. M.Div.

Phil brings a missionary zeal to his work with men, couples, and families as a therapist, teacher, and leader. He is committed to presenting life-changing principles in a clear and practical format. Philip K. Hardin holds a Master of Arts in Marriage & Family Therapy and a Master of Divinity from Reformed Theological Seminary. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and has over 25 years in private practice. He practices in both Fairhope, Alabama and Jackson, Mississippi. Phil serves as President of Business and Professional Outreach, International, a 501(C)3 non-profit organization, devoted to fostering holistic growth for men and women while emphasizing the building of community and relationships. Phil is married to Karla, who is also a Licensed Professional Counselor. He is father to two adult daughters, Audrey and Abigail, who also provide counseling and coaching as a part of Hardin Life Resources. Kris Kaase holds a Ph.D. in Sociology from North Carolina State University and is a Certified Professional Coach. He specializes in working with men who are struggling with divorce, loss, and other challenging life transitions. He was introduced to the 10 guidelines in this book in 2013 and found them to be a game changer in his life. His mission now is to help men experience being real and living free through coaching, conducting Men’s Coaching Weekends, and facilitating weekly support groups.

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Copyright © 2021 Philip K. Hardin, M.A., M.Div.

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make

no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in

some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000,

2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001

by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968,

1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

Cover Design by Kris Kaase

Cover Photo by Luke Tanis on Unsplash

Edited by Kris Kaase

Interior Image Credit: Kris Kaase

ISBN: 978-1-6642-2544-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-2545-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021903993

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/28/2021

To the Men’s Coaching Weekend Alumni

—the men who have courageously shared their stories

in order to engage in the healing process of connection

and embrace the power of Community as God intended.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1    A Safe Place

Chapter 2     Where Are You?

Chapter 3     Develop Relationships & Live in Community

Chapter 4     Trust is Critical

Chapter 5     Remember!

Chapter 6     A Unique Place in Your Journey

Chapter 7     Freedom is the Reason!

Chapter 8     Living in Community

Chapter 9     Journaling, Feedback, & Story

Chapter 10   A Spiritual Journey

Chapter 11   The Men’s Coaching Weekend Process

Chapter 12   Show Me Your Men

Personal Stories

Recovering the Life God Intended

Being Good on the Outside While Feeling Shame on the Inside

From Chaos to Community

Shame Had a Long Hold, But Men’s Coaching Weekend Freed Him

A Long, Hard Fight to Become My True Self

From Emotionally Disconnected to Emotionally Connected

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Divorce: My Ultimate Failure and My Saving Grace

Helping Me to Walk the Life of Recovery

Discovering the Reality of My Brokenness

Appendix 1: Preparation

Preparation Worksheet

Key Scriptures

Appendix 2: Process

The Goal of Life: Knowing

Critical Questions

The Journey of Life

Seven Desires of Every Human Heart

Power/Strength

Feedback

Appendix 3: Next Steps

Next Steps Following Men’s Coaching Weekend: Counsel for the Journey Ahead

Questions to Your Spouse

Questions from Dad to Child

Recommended Reading

Recommended Movies

Feedback Form

Endnotes

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I (Phil) want to thank all the men who make the Men’s Coaching community a living organism through their participation. The men’s community has life, shape, and a voice. Hundreds of men have been impacted by the transforming experience of hearing the stories of other men. And, each man has received the grace of God through the love of other men as they have told their own stories courageously, vulnerably, and humbly. I am eternally grateful for having the honor and privilege of sitting in a circle of brave men who have not been afraid to expose their most broken parts in order to honor God and receive healing. As the Apostle Paul declares in II Corinthians 12:10 (NASB): Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong. The ground is holy, where these men sit.

A special thank you goes to Jorge Liceaga. Jorge is the heart and soul of our men’s community. He is loved by all and is a friend to every man who enters the community. He is often the first man others will acknowledge that extended God’s grace and welcomed them into the circle. Jorge is gifted by God and a tangible picture of Jesus with skin to all who enter his presence. Thank you, Jorge, for loving well. I love you, Bro!

I am especially grateful for my brother and comrade, Roane Hunter. My friend, Denny Gilbert, and I started the Men’s Coaching Weekends over twenty years ago. Denny lost his battle with cancer in 2007. God brought Roane to our community a couple of years later. He has been a faithful and fun partner in this mission to see men transformed through a dynamic, relational community. He loves Jesus and is as passionate as I am in seeing men healed and made whole. I love my brother!

I am grateful to my wife, Karla, for believing in me when my own doubts and fears war against me to undermine God’s work. She is my best friend and partner who inspires me every day to be a better man. To my girls, I simply say Thank You for being patient with me when I have failed. You inspire me by your faith and love for God, and I love how you are skilled at caring for all whom God brings your way.

Finally, I give all praise and glory to God. My Father has used my own brokenness more than my gifts to build His kingdom. I am so glad He has chosen me to represent Him as a healing agent for broken men. I take the mission seriously and am humbly grateful to be on His TEAM. Thank you, God!

I (Kris) am grateful for Phil’s vision for this book and allowing me to be a part of it. Phil, I appreciate your confidence in me and trusting me to edit, revise, and sometimes wholly rewrite parts of the text. It has been my pleasure to help articulate what the Men’s Coaching Weekend and the community are about.

I am grateful for the support and encouragement of my wife, Jan. You not only supported me but encouraged me to focus my efforts on this book—sometimes for hours and days at a time and at the sacrifice of your own priorities. Thank you, also, for reading through early drafts of the text. The questions you asked in response to your reading were beneficial and brought clarity to my thinking and writing.

I am grateful to God for His mysterious ways. If not for my divorce attorney, I might not have ever gotten connected to the men’s community. Praise you, Father, for leading me to this community during my divorce crisis. I have healed and grown as a result of my time spent in this community.

We are indebted to the guys who took the time to write and share their stories. Sharing your story with a group of men can be challenging; writing your story is another level of challenge. Thank you! While we have described what the Men’s Coaching Weekend experience is all about, your stories bring the description to life. This book is all the richer because of your stories.

We are grateful for all the men who have sat in the circle at a Men’s Coaching Weekend. We learned from you. We heard our stories in your stories. We experienced Jesus through you!

INTRODUCTION

I was escorted from the taxi to the admissions office. I thought I was coming to a kind of retreat center. NO—this was not a retreat center! I was immediately fitted with a hospital bracelet around my wrist and taken to my room at the mental health facility. I was in a suburb of Los Angeles, California. Though I lived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, this would be my home for the next 30 days. I was in this hospital to address the hidden parts of myself. Some parts, I knew and was afraid to share. Other parts, I was completely unaware. I spent the next month addressing the hurts and fears of my life and learning how vulnerability was part of God’s plan for me in becoming the man I had tried to be through service and biblical knowledge. Service and biblical knowledge are good things, but without the knowing and owning of myself, it was like trying to sit on two legs of a three-legged stool—impossible!

I came to Christ in my early 20’s and I was now in my mid-30’s. I had served God throughout my 20’s and 30’s as part of a nationally known Christian leadership organization. I loved being part of this movement, but as my responsibilities increased as a husband, father, and friend, I found myself afraid of failure, afraid of my secret sins being found out, and lost in my ability to be honest about thoughts and feelings that were unacceptable to me. The result was lots of anxiety, depression, and increased stress. The more I tried to avoid these intrusive enemies, the more the Enemy seemed to use them against me. I began running until I literally packed my car and drove away from my wife and two baby girls. I felt more lost at that point than I did before I surrendered my life to Christ after many years of wandering. I was in bondage to the fear of being found out as some kind of imposter. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the Forrest Gump thing. I ran until my wife helped me get to this Christian mental health facility.

The experience of those 30 days at a mental health clinic set a path for what became the Men’s Coaching Weekend. I learned how I, as a man, could experience God, myself, and others with a deep-felt intimacy that was satisfying and inspiring. I was set on a path of living in community and understanding how trust and support really work in relationships. I learned how to be REAL—what I called in my first book, Be the Lion!

I never in my wildest imagination would have thought that entering the mental health facility would one day lead to Ebenezer Place and the Men’s Coaching Weekend. When I left the hospital to return to my true home in Philadelphia, I was told, Phil, you need to be in a group—a group you are not leading, but one where you are sharing your life with other men who know and care about one another. You need to have that team if you are going to continue on the road of recovery. At first, that was perplexing because I knew lots of guys, even guys who would invite me to be in their group, but I wasn’t sure who I would ask to be in my group. The first friend I called was Dr. Denny Gilbert. I called Denny because he was safe. He seemed not to need me for his own journey but had genuine care for me. I trusted Denny! We began meeting every Tuesday night at my home with five other men—seven men who were committed to transparent living and support of one another. Those weekly meetings made me feel like I was part of a real team, similar to how I felt playing high school and college basketball. We needed each other. We were living in community.

Two years after leaving the hospital, I moved to Mississippi to begin graduate work in counseling at Reformed Theological Seminary. Denny and I started talking and dreaming of creating an environment where men could participate in a weekend experience that would allow them to experience real community. We wanted men to see first-hand what community looked like. Most Christian men, who attend church and have a hunger to walk with God, never really experience intimacy in their spiritual journey. They find themselves invited to serve, be part of a committee, or even teach. But, all too often, they are left without a connection to other men who are hurting, hiding, or homeless—in the sense that they have no safe place to truly be known. They live like orphans—lonely, fatherless children. We wanted men to experience being known, loved, and fathered. The vision for the Men’s Coaching Weekend emerged from two men’s hearts being full of God through conversations and prayers that Denny and I shared.

In my mind’s eye, I saw a deer camp setting. A rustic setting where men sat around a fire dressed in jeans and t-shirts. No coats and ties, scrubs, or uniforms to identify what a man did. Neutral clothing where all men appeared equal. A place where men would be free to tell their story openly and vulnerably and then be accepted by other men. The environment would be rich with good ole manliness—not churchy, or pretentious in any way. God provided a place that today we call Ebenezer Place—a 21-acre retreat in the woods of central Mississippi. As the Hebrew word Ebenezer means God helps, we have seen hundreds of men helped on their journey to become REAL—to Be the Lion. The vision and the provision have been born out of pain and brokenness, not giftedness or strategy. The vision has grown and has been shaped by our own stories and the stories of hundreds of scared, hurting men who have enough courage and desperation to come to a strange place, risking whatever fear they have to find the healing power of God through the community of other men.

The Men’s Coaching Weekend began in September 2001 with five men and Denny and me. We started at a small, rustic deer camp owned by a friend. There were two small primitive cabins. Perfect! We worked as a team of men from the beginning to the end of the weekend, preparing meals, building a fire, and, most importantly, sharing our lives. Denny and I were always amazed at how God seemed to delight in the open, transparent environment. HE always showed up, and men were healed. This little rustic camp in the woods later became Ebenezer Place. Though it is still primitive and simple in so many ways, we have added buildings and improved the camp significantly. What has remained is the simplicity of the setting and the spirit of God breathing on us.

The Weekend is a process of deliberately setting the tone of openness and honesty. There are no pretensions. You might even hear a 4-letter word come flying out to break down any pretense that this is some religious gathering. Although we are very committed to offering the weekend from a Christian framework, we know most men have never experienced a genuine, spirit-filled community where they can be open and honest about their brokenness and failures. The framework for the weekend is established by methodically going through the 10 Guidelines that this book covers, which ushers men on to the playing field of authenticity for the weekend. Safety, acceptance, and openness must be established in the beginning if men are to buy-in. We spend most all of Friday evening just setting the table for Saturday. On Saturday morning, after a time of reflection, journaling, and teaching on how to see their life as a story, each man is given twenty minutes to share his story. He can share whatever he likes, but we encourage each man to share the hidden parts, the shame encased secrets, and the destructive lies about who they are—all of which disconnects them from God and others. The power of transparency is dynamic. The spirit of God seems to ride on the wings of such disclosure. Men are drawn to one another. God touches open hearts and men experience healing. The critical dynamic of the storytelling is the feedback offered to each man. Each story is followed by feedback—the circle of men offering their experience of the man telling his story. Through the feedback, men are genuinely loved in the midst of having offered the most painful and many times, shameful parts of their lives. Feedback is not counseling or telling a man what to do but is the mirroring of his true self back to him so he might see himself as real.

When Denny and I began, we did two weekends per year—one in September and one in March. Denny would fly from Philadelphia to Mississippi on Thursday evening. We would begin late Friday afternoon with five to seven men. Denny would fly home to Philadelphia on Sunday afternoons. In Mississippi, I would offer a weekly follow up for 12 weeks after the weekend to facilitate the living out of community that the men had experienced at Deer Camp. Today, we offer a weekend most every month. We have weekends going on in other states. We have numerous, ongoing groups for men to plug into when he leaves the weekend. The Men’s Coaching Weekend has become a movement.

The movement—the community of men that is the Men’s Coaching Weekends, aka Deer Camp, has grown because God’s hand has been on the whole process. However, the journey has not been without facing many hurts, fears, and doubts. Many times, I have felt the attacks of the Enemy and wondered on numerous occasions whether God would see me through the next challenge.

In February 2007, Denny called me and said, I have cancer. The news was devastating to both of us. My brother, my partner, my teammate, was being attacked by a great physical opponent in his body. Denny started his treatment and we prayed that God would bring healing. In May, he called me again and reported, I am cancer free! We celebrated and thanked God for the good report. In June, he called to share the sad news, The cancer is back! We embraced the news and continued believing God for complete healing. In November, Denny lost his battle with cancer. In his death, I celebrated God’s gift of Denny to me and clung to Him for direction. The joy of doing the Coaching Weekends with Denny was one of the greatest joys of my life. That was now gone. I felt like my arm was gone. It was like my right hand was missing. I wanted to continue, but knowing my teammate was no longer with me was disheartening.

I continued doing the weekends and leading the follow-up sessions. The movement grew. We increased the number of weekends and offered even more follow-up groups. A number of men came alongside me to share in the responsibilities. Their support and commitment to the process encouraged me and energized me to continue. About two years after Denny’s death, God brought Roane Hunter into my life. Roane and I met through a mutual friend who was a Deer Camp Alumni. Roane had his own broken story. I invited him to come to Deer Camp. He immediately embraced the process and soon shared the same vision I had. Roane is as committed to God’s heart for men as I am, if not more. God has used Roane to inspire me and renew the original vision that Denny and I had. I believe in life the greatest joy always comes from doing what we love and doing that with those whom we love. Roane has