My Beggar Arm

By d.W. Whitfield

A quiet seaside resort going about its business catering for its gentle holiday makers, quite unaware of the quiet murders, quiet revenge and quiet drug dealing. Under the calm exterior, the modern underworld continued with masked respectability.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Feb 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9781728354651

d.W. Whitfield

The author’s second novel originally from N. East England now resides permanently in Mid-West France enjoying the beauty of the countryside. His other full time occupation is that of an artist exhibiting paintings throughout Europe and being published in art books and periodicals.

Book preview

1 THE LIBRARY

come away from the window dear

come and sit by me and keep your mother company

there’s a good boy mothers little man the voice followed him

everywhere with questions demands instructions invitations queries

suggestions cries whines teases shouts calls coos whispers threats

pleadings cajoles laughs taunts scolds sweet words and sour

a long line of endless words like the long leash on a pet dog

never ending never silent

inevitably he is drawn in worked like a fish on the end of a line reeled

slowly back by the sirens song there’s a good boy keep your mother

company my little man to cuddle and caress to kiss with playful affection

as you would with a doll until mother had other company and then to be

abandoned to his room where dolls and toys and books were kept

once before he had been kept in another room by another mother

an embarrassment from an out of town encounter

divorce was unthinkable her moneyed lifestyle could not be threatened

her husband must never know

her poorer sister became the recipient of a baby bundle plus a financial

incentive which lured her into a life lacking of physical effort why when a

monthly cheque was guaranteed with no effort to find how the money

was spent

her lifestyle was marred by the introduction of a husband also looking for

a similar lifestyle unfortunately the financial arrangement could hardly be

expected to cover the expenses of three until a scarely disguised threat of

blackmail increased their support

this continued until circumstances and human nature decreed otherwise

enabling him to be returned to the bosom of his mother with scant memory

of his earlier years but indelibly etched those of a poorer time before his

return and to his mother

once again he gazed down from twelve stories to the view below

to watch that other world of illusion as unreal as his television screen

both worlds viewed through a window

here in his room he immersed himself in his books

the simple book of a child at first read to him by his mother then by himself

progressing to childrens stories and the world of adventure of exploration

of pirates and sea battles of cowboys knights of the round table and

outlaws fencing with the musketeers running with highwaymen being

a great detective

but always being his mother’s little man

life as he knew it was this huge apartment with its equally huge library

the collection originally built by his grandfather then continued by his father

both of whom he had never met and both of whom his mother dismissed

from all questions as if they had never existed

he lived for and in books they were his teachers his companians and friends

with his mother his constant companion

he watched tv always in the company of mama but only those programmes

deemed suitable chosen by her for him while questions about the life outside

as seen down below were partially answered by the news programmes only

to be viewed in her company and which of a sudden could be switched off

with a that’s enough of that too horrid for my little man with a kiss and

a cuddle before being sent to his room

the outside world was an unhealthy environment and a dangerous place

it was safer and healthier in this apartment with his loving mother together

her little man and her he gazed and wondered at those tiny people scurrying

about where were they going what did they talk about were they safe

outside

little ant folk hurrying scurrying in long lines going to goodness knows where

nothing stays the same forever

his voice stuttered into a deeper tone puberty caused discomfort to his body

moodiness governed his normal placid disposition short tempered outbursts

followed by over excessive apologies with kisses and cuddles for mama who

cried upon these occasions saying he didn’t love her anymore

then long silences ignoring the pleas from his mother to join her as more time

was spent in his room his cocoon was in transition the caterpillar that crawled

on the floor to be held aloft gurgling with delight that stumbled and fell then

stood and walked and crawled and played with pretty mama that looked at

picture books and poured first words and recognised letters and spoke and

learnt and played and watched and wondered and waited during his long

incubation now neared its time to stretch to grow wings to break out free

from the nestling bosom of motherly love

his voice in broken notes irritated him but amused her who did not

comprehend the beginning of the waning of her control over him

the doll was no more broken as the shell cracked

and of the consequence this turn about still unrecognised by both

who now was playing with whom

questions heaped steadily into his unsatisfied irritation causing discord

the apartment shrank in his sight while it grew in hers

making her feel small and lost making him feel large and suffocated

his reading freed him temporarily from this tightening restriction moving to

books of a new subject matter from those for a child to those more befitting

of his age subjects on a whole new world opened for exploration and thought

of history geography philosophy theology psychology classic literature art

musicology and more and still whole shelves lay untouched

the library had expanded his world into limitless boundaries feeding

his imagination and greed for further knowledge and information

nothing stays the same forever

the skin once smooth and vibrantly fresh grew weary and tired moved from

the freshness of youth into the depositary of receipt from the excesses of

alcoholic drink of chocolates and of food too rich and movement too poor

laughter lines once so attractive caused concern as a wrinkled highlights in

her hair once so appealing became as a suspicion of grey clothes to enhance

her figure struggled to hold and encase their increased volumetric package

increasingly time was spent to amend these distractions

make up once so subtlety applied to enhance her finer points imperceptibly

increased to disguise to even hide those irritating inconveniences

a more formal designed facial adherence was required

she succeeded to those of a lesser critical eye the more mature whilst those

of a younger nature who preferred a more mature woman of experience

found increasing reasons not to call or were out of town on business

her increased anxiety needed succour to overcome these annoyances

comfort from a chocolate box only incresed the problem

her whole body hinted with a tired heaviness while her once

constant flow of male visitors became scarce then dwindled into empty

absence anxiety filtered into a cloying persistence for his company

where was her little man

men had ceased to keep her company cast into a faded memory

fixed as an old photograph her own little man now a changling

a lost image to vapourous time

now a squirming serpent to tempt and cajole

coyous eyes pleaded with a sugared tongue

viperous words hissed insults until pleading forgiveness

whirling wrath subsided suddenly to fatigue under a puzzled crown

from whence this dervish of unsettled mess no longer the subservient

now who reigns now who wears the crown

every waking hour he read only to sleep when fatigue forced exit

to lay where ever amongst volumes of open books scattered

everywhere across the room now his usual mattress

his cosmos of ideology speculation and discourse of those who had an

answer a definitive insight until another book opened to question once more

a continuous journey of opinion and countered difference of opposition

there was no answer only a temporary pause to gather one’s thought

before the next onslaught

the youth thinking of manhood before his time lay exhausted within his own

kingdom the library his virtual realm barred even to his mother who in any

case took little interes tother than eating chocolate watching endless tv

and taking comfort from her boundless supply of fine wines

puberty advances apace an irritation an excitement a mystery a fear

the signs ignored or unrecognised by mama drew him once more to enquire

to find out more of this phenomena but his books held only the dryness of

biology

the diagramatic visualisation of his own physiology and that of a female

the difference in physicality held no mystery from him

he realised in astonishment that he had never

seen another person as in an actual physical presence not one human of either

gender had he encountered to touch or engage in conversation

television had of course shown him in close up but these were only images

they were not a physical actuality that he could touch

he had never touched or held another human being other than his mother

he was astounded

he stared at this woman before him growing in size

a painted mask where once the softness of beauty radiated who called for

him who pampered him who scolded him her petulance now of interest of

another creature who was she this only real person of his tiny world

his mother now an object of growing interest not only of intellectual curiosity

but natures in its subtle manifestations drew him to increasing curiosity toward

her physical attributions so carelessly displayed in her languished state upon the

comfort of her couch

clothing now so voluminous to increase her comfort slid away who was to

observe her state who were her visitors who her admirers why bother as she

asked for wine and chocolate to lean over to turn

what of an extra exposure of thigh as she painted her toes of heaving

cleavage to bend painting chubby finger nails and combing her hair

clothes now were a nuisance her flimsy veiled night attire succeeded to her

comfort where the tightness of day clothing caused her friction

she was completely unaware of her behaviour

games to him now toward his innocent flesh

he became more aware of her perfumes more notice given to her make up

and her attire her hairstyle her mannerisms her femininity and even her

sometime charms

his attitude softened toward her as he played a role to her childish games for

attention and affection waiting upon her plying her with compliments

encouraging her vanity increasingly aware of the effect upon her through this

playful deadly relationship

her childish vanity delighted in these unexpected overtures his little gifts

of flowers and chocolates even though hers already brought forth girlish

delight smiles and even laughter that indulged her whims repaying him with

hugs and kisses small caresses and cooing compliments

the noise of battle ceased as uncoscious Machiavellian maneuvers

commenced unknowingly between the two participants each floundering

within their changing identities

for him a more intriguing relationship for her a new innocent suitor

while she retired to her bedroom he scoured the library for books about……

about what he didn’t know books about men and women about relationships

he knew the biological aspect but he was completely ignorant upon the

sexuality between male and female

surely there would be a book in this vast volumetric arena that could explain his

dilemma

classic volumes abounded as his gaze swept the highest shelving their

inhabitants gathering dust still as the grave as yet still to be examined by

himself

he slid along the library ladder to gain access and tentatively pushed along

cobwebbed missives protecting their contents from the casual observer

spiders great and small with other scuttling many legged creatures almost

made him regret his exploration but urged by curiosity he continued and

wondered why many appeared to be in a foreign language

did his grandfather or father speak another tongue

the decameron satyricon kama sutra strange titles perfumed garden

what horticulture up here sir francis bacon maquis de sade the names and

titles made little sense only added to his insecurity of being at so great a

height amongst dust and scurrying creeping things

clutching at the garden one to replace it to its rightful index he gingerly

descended to the floor to undress and take a shower

after a drink and some biscuits he dusted off the cover to idly flick through

some pages

his vocal response to the contents was a gutteral astonishment of unintelligible

sound an increase in body heat and an outpouring from sweat glands to undo

the work from his recent shower what sort of garden what this a cornucopia

of delight no doubt but not of horticulture but of erotica

the very subject of his search found by accident

his body quivered with excitement over the explicit descriptions portrayed in

the art of sexual passion pages quickly turned to expose more both literally

and imagery wise when he decided a hiding place was necessary for the

book from accidental discovery

the door double checked to ensure no entry

taking a bag he once more ascended the ladder to return to that top most

shelf

scarecely looking inside the books he placed them in the bag to descend and

dust them before their deposit to his new secret place

exhaustion and nervous excitement overcame his small frame his young mind

overwhelmed by this sudden discovery and the exessive palpitations to his

body from the totally new experience of sexual excitement he slid into a

restless sleep

the following morning brought no respite from this new bewildering erotic

experience

breakfast with his mother was a silent sombre event both unable to engage

in any conversation she hardly awake whilst he still in the throes of

exciteability

he quickly excused himself to return in quivering curiosity to these alluring

books

all day he read behind a locked door

through passages of detailed reference to sexual engagements between the

sexes and even those of the same gender of sadism and masochism cruelty

and torture

self indulgence was of the prime importance the only pleasure was its pursuit

and deliverence a delight personally foreign to him and why not barely a child

barely a man passage after passage related pleasured flesh to exhaustion

to almost insanity it made little sense to him

could it be as today these books old as the language was quaint held to be

true that the behaviour went unchecked unchanged

more volumes were scoured for illumination for a modern version if it existed

closer to his time this time the minutes hours running ahead while he ignored

the calls for lunch and dinner the locked door excluding his mothers impatient

rattling from being ignored

sexual imagery saturated his mind as he burrowed mole like through book

after book curiosity fueled his frantic search a desperation impelled him to

discover more until a certain book paused his search for an instant as he

fumbled with the clasp until open it fell to the floor exposing not only its

pages but its lurid contents

no florid language of flowered description here but stark brutal imagery of

every conceivable sexual contortion that held nothing from the imagination

explicit in its portrayal

everything was food for the lens and sex for the consumer as page upon

page taught him the lesson he sought but perhaps not the answer

the physical act so explicit in its depiction failed to express any emotion

other than lust

he failed to register or recognise the emotion of love that could bind and

encapsulate this act into something higher than a mere wrestling match of

physical pleasure once spent soon to be forgotten

the hourly onslought to his senses reeled emotion and physical upheaval to

cause copious sweats vomiting wretching into a faint before he crawled to

his bed to sleep into a nightmarish world of naked slithering contorted limbs

crawling dismembered creatured things that bit and engulfed suffocating him

into a drenched fever

all night he lay amongst the books in horror until his mother so exasperated

by his refusal to answer her calls forced open the door to be horror struck

by his small frame lying so encumbent in pools of sweat laden clothes

by nature she panicked

who was she to call for this non existent person no one knew of his presence

hidden since birth save for a maid sworn to secrecy who cared for him during

the early months while she continued her social life during the absence of her

husband before and after the birth making her financially independent she

continued as though little had changed

adoption was considered but as the child grew it became as a plaything for her

a doll that eased away the loneliness until another suitor arrived on the scene

later in desperation something to cling to to ease the constant fear of being

alone and now here he was in the throes of some fever or other

what to do if he died who would be near her to ease her loneliness

cold cloths to the forehead she recalled from some tv programme or other

change the sheets stay with him sooth him talk to him change the sheets talk

sooth cold compress talk cry kisses hold tight held fearful sobs panic drink

self pity change drink walk cry cold change cold cold no hot sweat poor me

poor him drink drink

sleep my little man

someone was shaking her

wake up wake up maman a nice cup of lemon tea for you your favourite

she blinked and turned to see him dressed smiling down on her tea in hand

why are you in my bed

you were ill with fever

no no only bad dreams drink your tea before it gets cold

the mess of gin bottles open scattered books had been cleared and tidyed

he had showered and dressed and now waited for her in the lounge

upon the few occasions that his mother ventured she ensured all the doors

were locked preventing him access to leave he now ventured into her

bedroom her boudoir her private place of intimacy

his new found knowledge calmed him somewhat and forced him to take

account of his position his life enclosed entirely in this apartment he thought

not of himself as a prisoner but as a plaything for his mother for her pleasure

that was the message

the lesson of the books life is the pursuit of pleasure

but what of his he needed to learn the game to play it for his pleasure but the

only one available was his mother so the game would be with her

how to pursue her with subtlety so as not to frighten her into refusal some

small lessons had been learned flattery and presents in return he had received

small kisses and cuddles

but for the greater gain another approach was needed

the dressing table bewildered him with assortments of miscellaneous sized

brushes that few artists would acquire and textures of powders pastes paints

of pots jars bottles sprays and containers and boxes of instruments and tools

to produce or portray a personality a face a mask almost another personality

how clever

another something of those things read and those experienced lay a venture of

uncertainty of bravado of thought of action he shrugged

his mother was well experienced but he had youth on his side

a scene of potential a different perspective lay before him another exploration

into silks of colour heavy perfumery of heady gauze in musked Arabian

mystery

his senses swam into whirling exotic dreams inhaling sensuous erotic delights

of femininity this was beyond words of factual diction this was sensuality

a participatory of womanhood inhaling a heady aroma of feminine flesh

in languished bravado he almost missed the sound of a turning key and barely

reached the library before a knock indicated her return

he smiled into her embrace before sitting her onto the settee to make a drink

and retrieving her gown from her bedroom with obsequious praises she laughed

and teased and giggled with coquettish silliness as he played the young debonair

admirer playing upon her vanity plying her with drinks of colourful cocktails and

witticisms

alcohol in its slyly suggestive promises unveiled untold truths to lead the unwary

upon a mysterious path he began to enjoy this new game

day after day he smiled and fawned over this fading creaking hulk now

abandoned and left by former admirers but now remembered rejuvinated by a

young gallant

while she purposely ignored their genetic relationship

she became giddy and girlish once more sought after and courted a shy

excitable innocent girl being wooed being pursued as once before

she encouraged and rebuffed in pretence shyness yet slipping willingly into

more adventurous caressess more dangerous intimacy her enjoyment forgot

age

she was young again her mask wavered and slipped to being lead unsteadingly

to her bed to be unclothed to her nakedness grasping his hands to press them

hold them hard against her heaving excited breasts with full lipped slobbering

kissess to cover his face before a simple slide into unconsciousness

he learned the power of alcohol

left untouched by himself wisely as he unstood its effects especially on one

so young

he stood quivering with new found emotion accepting the arousal of young

flesh of covering her body with astonished eyes before moving slowly to his

own room

a quivering uneasy smile reasing its way across his face lending a pleasurable

confusion to his first intoxicating experience

the pleasure of the chase be not so quick as to lose it all

the night filled his dreaming state too full with overcrowding erotic imagery

tormenting into a nervous drained awakening shipwreck he lay in a wet

shriveled unkempt bed

life his life