Number Two Daughter

By Susanna Laird Madden

A military officer and his wife, along with their three daughters, travel to and live in several states and foreign countries. The middle daughter, who derived her nickname Shizukosan after living in Japan, was also tagged Number Two Daughter, as her family lovingly referred to her throughout her life.
This is not just a tale, but many tales -- or vignettes -- of the author's life as a Military Brat. It then continues on with her memories, trials, and blessings, expressed in a humorous manner. The vignettes separate each decade into brief, individually titled bites, making it convenient when you want a quick read.
Poignant. Entertaining. Educational. Humorous. Those words describe Number Two Daughter.
Susanna invites you to sit back, relax, and take a front row seat in this movie of her life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781728371221

Susanna Laird Madden

Susanna Laird Madden loved her life as an Army Brat, as did her two sisters Laura and Bobbi. Living in Japan and Panama Canal Zone were exotic and exciting, and she counts her blessings for the amazing parents and opportunities she had. Her life has been filled with horses, dance lessons, snow skiing, scuba diving, and real estate. She even was a water ski show skier for fourteen years. Susanna graduated from Southeast Missouri University in Cape Girardeau with three majors. Her 56 year old Amazon parrot “Thammy” sat on her shoulder during many of her college classes, and Susanna likes to say, “I used to ask him for the answers, and sometimes I’d just cheat off his paper!” Then in 1976 Susanna moved to Tampa, Florida. No one’s life is perfect, including hers. She is a cancer survivor who credits both God and her parents for her survival. She believes keeping a sense of humor is vital in order to enjoy life in its fullest. This book is her legacy to her family, friends, and those whose paths she crossed. She says she will forever thank God for her many blessings. Susanna adds: To all of you who have been there for me so many times when I needed you, I offer this quote by Albert Schweitzer: “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Finally, Susanna says this favorite quote by Thomas Campbell sums up the purpose of this book: “To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is to never die.”

Book preview

2020 Susanna Laird Madden. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7124-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7123-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-7122-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020915867

Published by AuthorHouse 01/15/2021

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For Laura and Bobbi.

Some day we shall all meet in heaven, and we will once again be: The Laird Five

Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in

the land the Lord your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12

Contents

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Thank You

Introduction

Tense Defense

Secret Pleasures

Pet Peeves

Just My Opinion

If I Had It to Do Over Again

Dad Is Just So Funny

Totally Unsolicited Advice and Opinions

Magic Words

What Is Sexy to Me in a Man

And Not

What I’d Do if I Won the Lottery

Beauty Tips from the Toes Up

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Definition of Heaven and Hell

The Fifties

◆ Japan

◆ Numbers

◆ I’m Outta Here

◆ Almond Eyes

◆ No Special Treatment for Lt. Laird

◆ Buttons and Band-Aids

◆ Chicken Pox and Chop Suey

◆ Bobbi’s Birthplace

◆ Liver

◆ War Paint

◆ Tabasco Sauce

◆ Keeping Secrets

◆ Life in Jackson, Mississippi

◆ Easter Bonnets

◆ Manners

◆ Not Stepfords

◆ Jackson School of Law

◆ The Myers Family

◆ A Little Car for Little Bobbi

◆ Grandparents Rieffer

◆ The Stabbing

◆ The Stapling

◆ Donald G. Laird: Criminal Lawyer

◆ Pop’s Harem

◆ A One and a Two …

◆ Where Do Babies Come From?

◆ Life Savers

◆ Dad to the Rescue

◆ The Un-shining

◆ Child Prodigy?

◆ Pinkie

◆ Kid Stuff

◆ Made in Japan

◆ Imperfect Houseguest

◆ Be Careful What You Ask For

◆ Prim and Proper

◆ Here Comes Santa Claus

◆ Bringing up Father

◆ A Baptist Nun

◆ Splat!

◆ Uh-Oh, They Used Our Middle Name

◆ The Flirt

◆ Bees

◆ Helping Starving Kids

◆ The Most Elegant Waltz

The Sixties

◆ The Cigar

◆ Herd of Horses

◆ Out Cold

◆ Music in Panama

◆ Loose Straps

◆ Let’s Twist Again

◆ Brown-Eyed Girl?

◆ Holes in My Ears

◆ Blow-Up Slip

◆ The Mosaic and the Boa

◆ Hit the Road, Jack

◆ The Cuckoo’s Nest

◆ Wirdy Dirds

◆ Six-Year-Old Ears

◆ Mister DiTrani

◆ Sydney

◆ Pervert in the Pool

◆ A Kid’s Life on an Army Base

◆ Si, Si, Señorita

◆ Crazy Green Chicken

◆ It’s a Jungle Out There

◆ The Big Shot

◆ Growing Up

◆ Private Stash from Medellín

◆ It Doesn’t Count if It’s in Spanish

◆ The Love of Español

◆ The Assassination

◆ The Cuban Missile Crisis

◆ Riots in Panama City

◆ Indianola, Iowa

◆ Sock Hop

◆ Braces

◆ Giselle

◆ Missouri

◆ Tickling the Ivories

◆ Powerful Set of Lungs

◆ Parrot Queen for Thirty Seconds

◆ The Accidental Disposal

◆ No Aloha

◆ Panama or Pool?

◆ Basketball King Marries Pretty New Girl

◆ What’s in a Name?

◆ It Was for My Own Good

◆ Turn into a Pumpkin

◆ You’d Better Watch Out

◆ Who Knew?

◆ AWP

◆ Coming Clean

◆ Who’s Susanna?

◆ How Do We Ever Live Through Our Teen Years?

◆ The Map

◆ Bobbi the Jock

◆ Father Knows Best

◆ Prom

◆ Second Runner-Up

◆ College

◆ Dirty Pool

◆ Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare

◆ The Audition

◆ Getting Tapped

◆ Learning Skills

The Seventies

◆ Love Story

◆ All for a Pair of Pantyhose

◆ Springfield: Not a Hippie

◆ Moose

◆ Moody Blues at Kiel

◆ Sunbathing with Thammy

◆ Five on the Floor

◆ The Bad Susanna

◆ Chewing Tobacco

◆ Uncle Dick: Man of the Year

◆ No Exit

◆ Country in Turmoil

◆ The Orange

◆ But Wait, There’s More

◆ Mardi Gras

◆ Bye-Bye, Cape

◆ Kansas City

◆ Doo Doo’s Girl

◆ Socking It Away

◆ Paul

◆ Hay, Horse Sweat, and Leather

◆ Serendipity

◆ Frosty the Merry-Go-Round Horse

◆ Busted!

◆ Cory

◆ Bert Rogers

◆ Dressing Up

◆ Dance Class

◆ Family Again

◆ The Riding Club

◆ Jackie Wackie

The Eighties

◆ Thank Goodness He Didn’t Listen to Me

◆ Number Four

◆ Way Down upon the Suwannee River

◆ Crunch

◆ Poor Little Fool

◆ Snow Skiing

◆ The C Word

◆ The DelValles

◆ Children of the Corn

◆ Dying Wish

◆ Lamb to Slaughter

◆ Skunks: Who’s Got JR?

◆ Poncha and Leroy

◆ Gold Jackets

◆ Aloha!

◆ The Apartment

The Nineties

◆ The White Tornado

◆ Pennies from Heaven

◆ Happy Father’s Day, Papasan

◆ Golden Wedding Anniversary

◆ D-I-V-O-R-C-E

◆ The Saddest Feeling in the World

◆ Joining RE/MAX

◆ The Year of the Career

◆ Broker

◆ Continuing Ed

◆ Dain Bramage

◆ Lakeshore Villas

◆ Women’s Council of Realtors®

◆ Did You Say Amputate?

◆ Go-Go Dancer

◆ Y2K

The Two Thousands

◆ 9/11

◆ San Francisco Here I Come

◆ I Jumped In

◆ That Isn’t a Dog

◆ Walk Slowly, Honey. I’ll Catch Up

◆ Secret Japanese Code Word

◆ When I Think of My Mom

◆ Home, Sweet Home

◆ Stroke

◆ Dearest Susanna

◆ Day of One Hundred Presents

◆ Full Circle?

◆ Size Eleven

◆ Eleven Songs

◆ The Migraine Whisperer

◆ I Got Polked

◆ Almost Lost Him

◆ The Guitar Man

◆ The First Man

◆ Our Mugs

◆ Brats

◆ I Wish I Had Met Erin

◆ Zac’s Hair

◆ Susan Becomes Susanna (2004)

◆ Gotcha Somethin’

◆ He Loves Everything about Me. Almost.

◆ Big Orange

◆ Our Big, Brave Soldier, Our Papasan

◆ The Saddest Yard Sale

◆ Susanna Cooks!

◆ Laird Park

◆ Blame It on Rio

◆ Priceless Memories Of Brazil by McCall and Madden

◆ Porto Alegre

◆ Foz Do Iguazzu

◆ Rio de Janeiro

◆ A Fairy Tale

◆ Two Cool Dudes

◆ The Donald

◆ December 19, 2016

◆ You’re Never Alone

◆ He’s Still Here

◆ Music Memories

◆ Tastes Like Chicken?

◆ An Ugly Truth

◆ My New Normal

◆ Five … Four … Three … Two … One?

◆ Arrows in My Quiver

◆ Best Hitter in the World (Author Unknown)

◆ The Story Still Goes On

◆ Leaky Head

◆ Version 2.0

◆ An Earlier Heaven

◆ Hearts or Stars?

◆ The Long Goodbye

◆ My Legacy

◆ I Danced

◆ I Hope They Cry

◆ A Cup of Kindness

◆ Auld Lang Syne

About the Author

Thank You

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I used to think I knew so much about proper grammar and punctuation, but then I get around my sister Bobbi or my dear pal Mary McCall (The Punctuation Police) and realize I am no match for them. I may have crafted the words herein, but Bobbi is the one who has edited books and government contracts, and Mary is a perfectionist former English teacher. They assisted my editor and publisher, AuthorHouse, in the editing of this book. Bobbi, Mary, and I have always enjoyed playfully catching each other using improper English, and we politely correct each other, appreciating that that makes us be tter.

Much love and thanks to Bobbi and Mary for your brilliant assistance.

Introduction

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M any years ago, I found my first gray hair. Just one. One little ol’ gray hair proudly displaying itself conspicuously above my forehead. I was in a Target store in St. Louis at the time because I was working for Photo Corporation of America (PCA), and that was where I was assigned to work for the week. I was in the ladies’ room and looking in the mirror when I discovered the offending filament. So I did what any self-respecting, mature, twenty-three-year-old female who’s secure with her identity and self-esteem would do: I pulled it out! That’s right, I extracted that baby right then and there. And I didn’t find another one until approximately twenty years later, in 1994, the year of my forty-third birthday. In fact, I’ve found two. Well, okay, maybe three, but they’re s mall.

Does this profound discovery have anything to do with my decision to write a book? Maybe. Probably. Who knows? But here I am, in all my guts and glory, hoping I can color my tale, shift things around a little, and use selective memory and literary license and all that stuff so it’ll make me look good!

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve kept a diary or journal. I guess I always knew it would be a treasure to look back at the old memories. Anyway, in the early 1900s, brazen actress Tallulah Bankhead said, Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don’t have time. If that means I’m a good girl, I’ll take it.

According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, a legacy is anything handed down, as from an ancestor. Usually one thinks of a legacy as family members or offspring. Several years ago, once I knew I was not to have children, I tried to figure out what my legacy could be. I decided it would be (a) pictures of me, (b) memories of mine, or (c) some of the articles I had written for some local newspapers or national magazines (such as Waterski) as a contributing writer. (I was in an honorary journalism society in college, Pi Delta Epsilon.) I guess what I’m saying is that in a way, this book is my child, my progeny.

My Funny Father always liked to say, Tempus do fugit, don’t it? which means in fractured Latin that time flies. As it whizzes by, it’s nice to capture some thoughts and memories to share with others.

My beautiful mother wrote a book when she was sixty-eight years old, and I thought it would be a nice family tradition. Her book was titled The Colonel’s Lady. I thought about calling my book The Colonel’s Lady’s Daughter. Just kidding. Another fitting title would have been Mi Vida Loca. But Number Two Daughter is very fitting. We’re three very different personalities, yet we are of the same blood and same genes, and we bonded as kids in that special way children do.

I saw a movie in the 1990s called Trapped in Paradise starring the wacky Nicolas Cage and Dana Carvey. One scene took place in a graveyard, and several people were standing around and looking at tombstones’ dates of birth and death. One of the actors made the comment that our whole lives are represented in that little dash.

I guess this book represents my little dash. I have written things here with the best of my memory, and I am not a historical revisionist. This has long been a work in progress—kind of like me. Be gentle with your criticism. To plagiarize Popeye, I yam what I yam. Anyway, this is my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.

Tense Defense

Because I wrote this book over a span of many years, some people have passed on and situations changed. It is too cumbersome to keep changing the tense to past from present or even vice versa, so I will be taking literary license to skip around a little in the tenses.

Also, no need to go back and change types of technology that changed, right? In many cases, there is no virtue in absolutism, and procedural niceties could cause the time warp to malfunction.

Welcome to a front-row seat in the movie of my life.

Secret Pleasures

• Holding a bag of hot popcorn and sticking out my tongue to magnetically attract each kernel.

• Putting on clothes just out of the dryer on a cold day.

• Bathing my horse and then burying my face in his back to smell him.

• The smell of coffee on someone’s breath.

• Mixing my mashed potatoes with peas or whole-kernel corn as I eat them.

• Crisp, freshly laundered sheets. Only 100 percent cotton. No poly blends. Yes, I’m a sheet snob.

• Dust, vacuum, put away clutter, wipe off surfaces, and then step back and admire the beauty.

• Getting a foot rub.

• Pouring hot coffee in my bowl of vanilla ice cream.

• Wearing an elegant, sexy dress and high heels on a night out, knowing I look good.

Pet Peeves

• Gossip. Many lives and reputations have been ruined by petty gossip. I admit it’s fun to learn juicy things about people, but it usually causes pain to the recipient. There’s a difference in gossip and constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is a good thing.

• Apostrophes in the wrong place really bother me. I know the drill: don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff. I saw a great big sign once in front of the person’s place of business that read, BILLS SIGN’S. As if I’d patronize a sign company whose punctuation on his own sign was incorrect! I also quite often see this on mailboxes: THE MARTIN’S. That wouldn’t be correct if you’re trying to say the Martins live there. The apostrophe would show possession, and unless they’re trying to say the house is the Martins’ house, it should simply read THE MARTINS, meaning the Martins live there.

Q: Why should you never date an apostrophe?

A: They are too possessive

• While we’re having an English lesson, I may as well get this out there. People who say, I could care less really mean to say they couldn’t care less, but they’re saying it backwards. People, if you really don’t care about something, say you couldn’t care less, which means you care so little about something there is no way you could care less about it. When you say you could care less, that means you still care. I don’t know why that grates on me so much, but it does.

o And while I’m on a roll, please don’t say one of the only. It can be the only or one of the few or one of the last, but there’s only one only. Can’t be one of the only.

• I cannot figure out why businesses put price stickers on their paraphernalia with such gooey stuff on the back that you can’t get it off without damaging the goods. Worse than that, it damages my fingernails as I try to get it off.

• Jewelry stores that don’t show prices, so we have to ask the price on each piece we might be interested in. Oftentimes I walk out of a store when I see all the price tags purposely turned over so we can’t see them. I don’t want to bother the clerk just to see the price, and sometimes I can’t get the clerk’s attention anyway. Without knowing the price, I don’t know whether I should bother to wait or leave, so I leave.

• Automatic flushers and faucets. They don’t flush when they’re supposed to, and they don’t turn on to wash my hands when I want them to. I know how to flush, and I know how to turn on and off the faucet, thank you very much.

• Another one for the ladies’ room. We have to practically stand on our heads to see whether the stall is occupied. Architects, take a lesson from aircraft carriers. When the lock slides over, it should read OCCUPIED so we can easily see that. Our only other option has been to risk opening it up on someone using that stall, which makes people yell at us, or we stand on our heads looking down at the floor to check for feet. This is such an easy fix.

• Press One for English. Now, I ask you, why would we have to do that in America? English is our official language, people. For English, I shouldn’t have to press anything. It should be Press One for an alternative language.

Just My Opinion

People love to say, Oh, well, everything happens for a reason. I don’t get that. Maybe it makes them feel better to say it, but where did they get that? It isn’t in the Bible. To me, that statement is like accepting the status quo without trying to challenge it or make a difference. Hitler was responsible for the death of millions of people during World War II. Oh, well, everything happens for a reason. That horse fell and broke his leg, and they had to shoot him. Oh, well, everything happens for a reason. I can’t go along with that saying. Research and find out why what could be done to change things.

People also love to say, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. Tell me, please, how do you know that? How about the person who has to be institutionalized because their loved one was horribly harmed? How about the soldiers who get PTSD? What about the person who ends their life because they can’t see a way to live on? Does God say, I think I’ll dump more woes on this person because they can take it. Oops! I guess they couldn’t. Please do not use that expression around me.

You have heard, Everyone deserves a second chance. I say this is not true. Did Hitler deserve a second chance after causing the deaths of eleven million people? Did Stalin deserve a second chance? How about pedophiles? I say no way. The word everyone is an absolute. Maybe try, Many people deserve a second chance.

I think the richest person in the world, money wise, should be the person who finds the cure for cancer or Alzheimer’s, or a way to find peace on earth for all time. Who I believe will become the wealthiest people in the history of the world will be those who find the forever-and-ever, all-time cure for baldness and impotence in men, and cellulite and stretch marks in women.

The customer is always right? No way. The word always is an absolute. Your price on this dress is one hundred dollars, but it isn’t worth that. You have to sell it to me for thirty-five. You may be the store manager but you’re a cheat and a liar. Sir, I know your mother hates babies and your father abuses puppies. Yes, I stole the bag of potatoes, but you owe that to me because two of them had brown spots. Are they right? Although we don’t argue with fools, we don’t have to always agree as if the customers are always right. Obviously they are not.

Have you heard the expression Never, ever, ever, ever give up? I disagree with that. For a salesperson trying to make a sale, that would come across as pushy. Some phone solicitors won’t quit until I say, Hey! No means no, and I have told you no four times. You are wasting my time. Goodbye. In my opinion, it isn’t smart, and sometimes it doesn’t make sense economically to continue on with what I call an energy sucker. I say cut your losses and go on to the next one. Instead of Never, ever, ever, ever give up, I’m more in alignment with Kenny Rogers’s famous song The Gambler: Know when to hold ’em, and know when to fold ’em.

Yes, I have some free-range thoughts and ideas, and I’m sure I sound judgy in some of these things. Well, stay in your lane, my friend. My mind is constantly working like a hamster on a wheel. But at least the hamster is still running. I’m always reading or learning, thinking up new and different ideas or ways to do things.

If I Had It to Do Over Again

Regrets: I’ve had a few … But then again, too few to mention. Okay, seriously. I like to think I have no real regrets. I mean, it would be tough to die in that state of mind, thinking of all the things I regretted. So I prefer to list them as, If I Had It to Do Over Again.

• I’d get my master’s, then doctorate, in something, anything. You can never have too much education. This might be my biggest regret. Although all the following candidates run a close second. Also, next time around I want to learn to play the violin. And chess.

• I’d protect my skin more from the sun.

• I always wanted to get married and stay married, not fall into the rut like almost everyone else—extramarital affairs, divorcing, et cetera. I wanted to marry once and live happily ever after. I always wanted to have a silver and then a golden wedding anniversary, like my mom and dad. I could’ve been—should’ve been—June Cleaver. With a job.

• I’m going to carry a dainty little purse in my next life because I certainly didn’t make it in this one. I admire all those ladies who carry this miniscule Barbie doll–sized purse. I, on the other hand, carry a huge bag in have office, will travel style. I have more electronics in my purse than any self-respecting Radio Shack. Cell phone, business organizer, personal alarm, lockbox key—the list goes on. When I look at the pretend purse I see some of my friends carry, I always tell them, "That isn’t a real purse. That’s a purse for amateurs. This is a real purse." Then I hoist my real purse up to show them. Of course, that’s just my jealousy shining through. One thing about that, though. Whenever someone needs something, whether it’s dental floss, scissors, nail clippers, tissues, needle and thread, or whatever, I’m always the one they come to.

• I think I’d make a good teacher. I would like to teach in my next life. College only, though. I refuse to babysit brats, and unfortunately that seems to be the way it is in schools today. Teachers aren’t granted the luxury of properly disciplining ill-mannered kids. I would want to teach only intelligent, self-motivated, respectful humans who show respect and are there to learn.

Dad Is Just So Funny

He really is a funny guy with an outrageous sense of humor. He’s made us laugh so much throughout the years. Here are a few of his outlandish comments.

• The 2000s were the first time I heard Dad say this. When he answered the phone, instead of saying hello, he said, Sieg heil in case we lose! When I asked him what in the world he was talking about, he told me the young American soldiers back in World War II used to say that jokingly when they greeted each other. The theory was that in case we lost the war, we’d better learn the other way to greet each other. Sieg heil means Victory hail.

• Dad always catches me off guard with this one. I’ll say, I love you, Papa, expecting back a like rejoinder. Sometimes he surprises me by quipping back, I love me too!

• Dad is always saying, Old age ain’t for sissies. When we ask Dad, How ya doin’? he loves to answer, Everybody I can!

• Innocent daughter: Pop, where is Mom? Or, How is Mom? Father: Oh, she broke her leg, and we had to shoot ’er.

• Dad always liked to say, She’s prettier than a speckled pup under a pumpkin wagon.

• Pop loved threatening his little girls with, The beatings will continue until morale improves. Then we would all gang up on him, punching and terrorizing him. He loved it.

• Dad would say, If you have a cold and go to the doctor and get medicine, you will get well in about seven days. If you have a cold and don’t go to the doctor, you will get well in about seven days.

• Our Papasan: The difference in a good haircut and a bad haircut is about a week.

• When we ask Dad if he does or did this or that, sometimes he’ll say, No! I’m not that kind of a girl!

• Dad used to toss in any time he got the chance, All I want is fast horses, old whiskey, and loose women. Mom would roll her eyes while We Girls would boo him out of the room.

• When we would toss out an insult to Dad, he would quip, Watch it! You’re talking about the man I love!

• Pop used to say, Today, I’m full of wim, wigor, and witality!

• Dad is always sending us to our room. Whenever we pick on him (I wonder where we got that?), he’ll order us, Go to your room! Whether we’re in the car, in his home, on the phone, or in our own home, if we gang up on Pop, he’ll order us to go to our room.

• Sometimes when we sweetly say, Good morning, he’ll shout, You trying to start an argument?

• When we say something like, What can I do for you, Dad? he’ll say, Push-ups!

• The conversation might be something like, Hey, Papasan, want a piece of pie? He would quip, No, thank you. I’m watching my schoolgirl figure.

• In the 1990s, Papasan came down with encephalitis, which I explain in further detail later on. His brain and speaking ability turned to mush. His eyes stayed glazed over much of the time, and he couldn’t form words well, so he didn’t talk much. Statistically, there was a fifty-fifty chance we would lose him. One time when I went to see him in a rehabilitation place, I took a Victoria’s Secret catalogue to see if I could spark any interest. He slowly held out his hand and took the catalogue. What is this? he questioned. Dad, it’s a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. It has a bunch of scantily clad ladies in it, helping to sell lingerie at their stores in the mall. He slowly turned some pages, and without any expression on his face, he asked, What is the name of this again? I showed him the catalogue cover and told him again, This is Victoria’s Secret. I know I saw a spark in his eye as he slowly turned more pages and saw beautiful ladies in various stages of undress as they modeled the intimate garments. Then he worked to form his words and quietly pronounced, It looks like Victoria doesn’t have very many secrets. I about busted a gut. My dad simply doesn’t lose his sense of humor.

• In March 2004, I wheeled Dad into Burdines with me to select some lipstick at the Estee Lauder counter. I bought the color he selected. When I thanked him for being my fashion consultant, he quipped, "I prefer to get my lipstick by contact, not by compact!"

• Pop would say things like, Nothing wrong with me but too many birthdays.

• He loved to snarl, Who dat say who dat? Half the time, we didn’t know what he was talking about, but he would say things in such a comical voice that we would crack up anyway.

• We loved it when he would say: When I was a little girl with curly golden locks …. Dad teased little kids until they hit him. Then he would pretend to cry dramatically, so they laughed. They wouldn’t leave him alone the rest of the night.

• Pop would occasionally say, Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

• If we said something like, Dad, you’re smarter than we thought you were, he’d say, Yes, and I’m pretty too!

• Pop was a wonderful storyteller and quite the raconteur. It was his demeanor that would cause people to gather around and listen to him. There were many who would go to him to talk about their problems because he was a great listener and always gave wise counsel. He lived up to one of my favorite quotes: Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you. Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you. But when the timing was right, he added levity: Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!

• When Pop would get philosophical about love affairs, he said the plot is like this: Boy chases girl until she catches him!

• If we would say, So Dad, got any wise words for us? I remember several times he told us, Sure. My best advice is live hard. Die young. Leave a good-looking corpse.

That’s my papa.

Totally Unsolicited Advice and Opinions

What follows is the best advice I can give to my family, friends, or anyone reading this book who gives a darn what sage words of wisdom I care to impart.

• Get the best education you can get. For the girls in my family, this elaboration may sound negative, but I believe in it, so I’m going to say it. When you get married, assume it’s not going to last. Sure, you must go into the marriage with a positive attitude, otherwise why get married? But if you count on always having this husband and both incomes, you may not be fully prepared to take care of yourself in case of the D-word. Get educated, get a good job, and be prepared to support yourself and your children if you have any. Facts are facts, ladies, and most marriages end up in divorce—and sometimes in death. Your shock, pain, and stress will be somewhat lessened if you’ve thought of this and prepared for it ahead of time. I heard this once: Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe. Go out there and do everything to keep your marriage together, if that’s what you want. But you’ll be less devastated if you heed this advice. I hope you never get divorced.

• Something else about attitude. There’s a song from the 1970s by Johnny Nash titled I Can See Clearly Now. The first line is, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. Part of the lyrics say, It’s gonna be a bright, bright, bright, sun shiny day. And the look up ahead, there’s nothing but blue sky. Well, of course our sky isn’t always bright and sunshiny. But simply hearing the song adds a layer of warmth that jumps off the couch. It’s all about attitude.

• Stay physically fit. It’s easy to let yourself go when you get older. Don’t do it. Stay as fit and trim as you can. Get off your duff and Just Do It. (That reminds me of a meme I saw. It reads, A rhinoceros is just a unicorn that let himself go. Cracks me up. I think that’s a riot.)

• Remain impeccably honest. It’s important to me that I can hold up my head and can go to my grave knowing I have never stolen anything from anyone. I’ll go overboard if I need to, to be impeccably honest.

• When you’re telling someone no, say it only once or twice. This is what I mean.

o You: You want me to meet you on Wednesday, right?

o Other Person: Oh no, no no no no no no no. I said Thursday.

This is what mean when I say, "Quit saying so many nos." Why be so dramatic and condescending? We all make mistakes. And remember, even a broken watch is right two times a day.

• This one is compliments of William Shakespeare, out of King Lear, and I love it. Have more than you show. Speak less than you know.

• Don’t buy a pet from a pet store unless you have to. Go to the local humane society or shelter. Unless, of course, you simply cannot find the pet you really want or that matches your needs. But at least you’ll know you tried to save an animal before you bought one.

• Keep a positive attitude. Positive thinking won’t let you do anything, but it will let you do everything better than negative thinkers. (I learned that from Zig Ziglar).

Here’s a little story about attitude that I love.

Real estate was slow, so two Realtors® went to Africa to research selling shoes.

One called back home and said, Can’t sell shoes here. Everyone’s barefooted.

The other called home and said, Send shoes. Everyone’s barefooted.

• If you are a manager of people, remember this quote by Richard Branson: Train people well enough so they can leave. Treat them well enough so they don’t want to. Another way to word that would be, Don’t be all stick and no carrot.

• Underpromise and overdeliver. This should be our work and personal philosophy. Doing things in reverse makes you all sizzle and no steak.

• Best teamwork quote: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. (African Proverb)

• Read a lot. Keep your eyes on the prize. Knowledge is power.

• Take the high road. When in doubt, remember those words, and you’ll figure out the right, ethical thing to do. The view is always better from the high road. And it’s good to check under the hood once in a while to be sure you’re on the right track.

• Work on your vocabulary. The one thing that shows your education and intelligence more than anything else is an extensive vocabulary. You can read books to help expand your vocabulary. I keep one in my trunk in case I have to wait in a doctor’s office.

• Soften your words. That’s a lie! and She lied to me and You’re a liar! are extremely harsh statements. That one word is quite inflammatory, so use it sparingly. Try That isn’t the truth or That isn’t true or What she said was incorrect. Papasan used to say about a person or company when appropriate, Let’s just say he/she is not addicted to the truth.

• Instead of I hate him, try I have a strong dislike for him. Hate is a very harsh word. So are death and dead. Instead of When did she die? or How long has he been dead? try something like When did he go to heaven?

• I also try not to use the word fail if I don’t have to. Such a negative word. Instead of I failed third grade, say I didn’t pass. Instead of You failed to call me when you said you would or I failed to sell a house today, try You didn’t call me or simply I didn’t sell the house. Take the word fail out of your vocabulary—unless you want to insult your worst enemies, and then you can yell at them, You are a failure! Now you get it. As someone once said, failure should be a bruise, not a tattoo.

• Be a good listener. That’s one of the most admirable traits someone can have.

• Learn Spanish. French and German are fine too, as are many other languages. But our Hispanic population in the United States is expanding at such a rapid rate that it would behoove us all to sharpen our Spanish-speaking skills.

• Join AAA. It’s very inexpensive, and you’ll never regret it. We all lock keys in the car or have the occasional flat tire or dead battery, and it’s AAA to the rescue.

• In restaurants, check the silverware closely before you put it into your mouth. If you don’t usually do this, you will be horrified to learn how much of that silverware is dirty and crusty from someone’s eggs or pasta dish. Restaurant dishwashers don’t always do the trick. I often ask the wait staff to replace my fork or spoon. Also, when you leave the table be, sure to scoot your chair back under it.

• For the guys—and I’m totally plagiarizing from a poster—your wife won’t start an argument if you’re cleaning the house

• Buy and read every version of Life’s Little Instruction Book. My father gave me my first one, and I treasure it.

• Show your patriotism. Wear a flag lapel pin. Put your hand over your heart when saying the Pledge of Allegiance or when someone carries the American flag by you in a ceremony. Mount a bracket outside your home and proudly fly your flag. Take every opportunity to thank servicemen and servicewomen for protecting us and our country.

When I was in college, my girlfriend Shirley Kuppinger recited this poem, and I liked it so much that I memorized it.

God and the soldier, all men adore

In times of danger, and then no more.

For when danger is past, and all things are righted,

God is forgotten, and the soldier is slighted.

On that same topic is the expression There are no atheists in a foxhole.

• Say God bless you when someone sneezes. When someone says God bless you to me, my answer is, He does, every day. Make sure you say the word God. He’s the only one who can bless you. Bless you doesn’t cut it.

• Write your own autobiography. It helps to preserve some of your best memories, and you’ll be amazed at the effects of the soul searching you’ll be doing. You’ll be leaving your own legacy for your descendants.

• To the girls: I hope you will understand this. If not, ask someone what it means.

o Dress like Coco

o Live like Jackie

o Act like Audrey

o Laugh like Lucy

• And perhaps most of all, keep your sense of humor.

• I love this from Katherine Hepburn: If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

Note: Some of the things I listed above are just my opinions, but I think if you don’t do some of them, you could experience bad juju.

Magic Words

If you want to know the magic words that will calm down people, make their ears perk up, or put an instant smile on their faces, here they are.

• Want to hear some good news?

• You did the right thing.

• You did everything right.

• Everything is going to be okay.

• I’ll take care of it.

• Maybe you’re right.

The two least calming words you can say are, Calm down. Instead, try, Take a deep breath.

What Is Sexy to Me in a Man

I like a man with a slow hand. I like a man with an easy touch.

Okay, enough plagiarism for the moment. It’s fun to quote lyrics or people, but sometimes I can be KFC Original Recipe too.

Faithfulness is the number one aphrodisiac in my opinion. I have always been the true-blue sort of person, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask in a spouse. If I were a dog, I think I would be a golden retriever. Or a swan or an otter, each of whom mates for life. There are many things I am and many things I am not, good and bad, but if you have me for a friend, wife, or girlfriend, I always have been loyal. However, I do believe it’s rare to find a man who is 100 percent faithful. It doesn’t seem to be a predominant characteristic in men’s genetic makeup.

I have known men who are proud