Abandoned by Love: Rescued by God Overcoming Abandonment and Rejection Issues

By Ann Davis

Ann Davis has suffered with major depression most of her life. She attempted suicide twice before the age of 30. Because she was abandoned as a toddler, and experienced verbal and physical abuse from her new family, she spent most of her life seeking the love she craved. This book is about how she suffered from the effects of abandonment, and rejection, and how her relationship with God has rescued her from their pain. The stories of her life are many and diverse, including sexual and physical abuse, failed marriages, suicide attempts, relationship issues, life transitions, and spiritual deliverance. You will see how God can rescue you from your self pity, and demonic oppression, and bring you into a life of peace and thanksgiving.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781665512770

Ann Davis

Ann Davis is a wife, mother and grandmother. She is retired having spent her working career in the healthcare industry. She is a Licensed Minister who is known for encouraging those who are experiencing emotional pain. She loves to study and teach the scriptures. She also enjoys reading self help books, gospel music, flower gardening, and volunteering. She was determined to find the answer to the question “why am I like I am”? Her quest led her to the knowledge of the Law of Cause and Effect where she found the answer to her question.

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© 2021 Ann Davis. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/18/2021

ISBN: 978-1-6655-1276-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-1277-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021900268

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Part 1

The Root

Chapter 1 Seedtime

Chapter 2 Seeds of Abandonment and Rejection

Chapter 3 My New Family

Chapter 4 The Seed of Fear

Chapter 5 The Seed of Lust

Part 2

Harvest Time

Chapter 6 The Seed of Rebellion

Chapter 7 The Escape Plan

Chapter 8 Let the Harvest Begin

Chapter 9 Reset

Chapter 10 Lessons about Trust

Chapter 11 I Shall Not Die

Chapter 12 The Transition

Chapter 13 Conflict of my spirit, and my flesh

Chapter 14 The Novice

Chapter 15 I Failed in Love Again

Part 3

Re-creation

Chapter 16 Goodbye Durham

Chapter 17 You can’t keep a godly woman down

Chapter 18 Welcome to Florida

Chapter 19 God Opens New Doors

Chapter 20 Pride to Promotion

Chapter 21 From Caterpillar to Butterfly

Conclusion

A few of my 1980s poems

INTRODUCTION

I am writing this book about my life, because I think my story may help others understand themselves better. My story has three parts. Part One is the cause, the root, the seeds that were sown in my soul. Part Two is what the harvest looked like. Part Three is my rescue and transformation.

PART 1

The Root

According to Wikipedia, in science and engineering, root cause analysis (RCA) is a method of problem solving used for identifying the root causes of faults or problems. RCA can be decomposed into four steps:

• Identify and describe clearly the problem

• Establish a timeline from the normal situation up to the time the problem occurred

• Distinguish between the root cause and other causal factors (e.g. using event correlation)

• Establish a causal graph between the root cause and the problem

RCA generally serves as input to a remediation process whereby corrective actions are taken to prevent the problem from reoccurring.

I have had many difficulties in my life. These years have included many lows and many highs. I understand the Law of Cause and Effect. This term fell into my spirit in September 2016, so I researched it. When I did, I was surprised at how this law helped me understand me, and why I am like I am. In a prior employment experience, I also learned about Root Cause Analysis, and how to perform an in depth analysis to determine the primary cause of a problem; how to get to the root of a thing. The foundation or root of our personality begins in our childhood. It is determined by the people who raise us, how we were raised, and the culture that we are raised in. I know from experience that being raised in a dysfunctional family (root) can lead a person into a self destructive lifestyle (harvest). As you read the memories of my childhood, and its effect on my adult life, think about your own childhood. I hope my story gives you faith that God will never leave you nor forsaken you, and that you’re here for a purpose.

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CHAPTER 1

Seedtime

The Curse

The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so that we can heal. I heard on a U-Tube video, and read in articles from my Google searches, that every effect has a preceding cause. With that in mind, I want to share with you a Root Cause Analysis of my life. I want to share how God stayed with me throughout the good, bad, and ugliness of my life, and how he helped me to continue to pick up my sword and fight another day, even when I tried to die. Come see how I learned that we were sent here to this earth for a specific divine reason, and all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, and are called, according to His purpose. All means all; the pain and the joy, the good and the bad; all. Lord, your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be, Psalm 139:16 NIV.

Bruising is the result of trauma, and can have causes that aren’t due to underlying disease. Jesus was bruised for our iniquities. His bruising was the result of the trauma he received during the beating that preceded his crucifixion. Jesus did nothing to deserve or to cause his bruising. I am not comparing myself, or my scars to Jesus, but I did not cause the trauma of my bruising either. I imagine my bruising could have started while I was in my mother’s womb. And I imagine that she was filled with fear. Whose baby was I?

(My birth mother) Whose baby is this? How did this happen? I can’t even take care of my other children. Why is this happening to me? My 4th child. Another mistake! I thought when I got pregnant with Sid that was the worst thing that could happen to me. Pregnant by my sister’s husband. And now this? My husband is going to kill me. I definitely can’t say it’s his child, since he’s been in Korea for the past 4 months. When did this happen? I’m married and seeing someone else on the side and everybody knows it. I never should have started sneaking around with Walter too. That’s what I get for messing with a married man. Oh my God, what am I going to do?

(Lover 1) I don’t know what to tell you, that’s not my baby. You shouldn’t have been acting like an east side whore, and gotten pregnant. You need to get that straightened out with your other nigger, because I ain’t taking care of that little bastard. You know that’s his baby. I guess the two of you and his wife will figure this out.

(Lover 2) What! You are what?! So what are you and your boyfriend going to do before your husband gets home? What? Oh hell no. That’s not my baby. Don’t go telling that lie on me. You aren’t breaking up my marriage with that shit. You better take that shit to your boyfriend. That’s not my baby. I don’t care what you believe. I am not taking care of nobody else’s baby. Listen to me, that isn’t my baby and I will never believe that it is.

(Her Husband) I knew I couldn’t trust you. You have been whoring around while I was gone, and now you pregnant. Did you forget you were married? Who’s the daddy? So this is what I get to come back home to. Our children are at your parents, while you running all over the place frucking everybody. And now you pregnant!

They say that her husband tried to kill her by putting some type of poison in a drink he thought was hers, but was her sister’s. My aunt was taken to the hospital where they gave her a drug that caused her to vomit it up before it took a lethal affect. This was satan’s first attempt at killing me.

There I was inside of a person who is afraid, depressed, confused, rejected, and living in poverty. She had already left her oldest son and her twins in the care of her parents. Now she is pregnant with a 4th child, not her husband’s, in an adulterous situation, and she is uncertain of the father, one of which may possibly be another woman’s husband. What a beginning for this soul; a bastard child who is the result of adultery one way or another. What effect is my mother’s emotional state having on her fetus? I imagine that during this pregnancy she is in a state of depression, anxiety, and fear. Unfortunately, my mother never got around to having the conversation with me about what was going on in her head. More than once during her life, she told me she was going to explain everything to me one day. But that day didn’t arrive.

Maternal Depression and Anxiety

I read several studies about the effect of a depressed mother on her unborn child. I learned some interesting things. One study states that children of women who experience depression during pregnancy are 1.5 times more likely to be depressed themselves as teens. These children also have an increased risk of depression as adults. Researcher Rebecca M Pearson, PhD states that the physiological consequences of depression experienced by the mother can pass through the placenta and may influence the fetus’ brain development. A different study performed by Elsvier also states that some babies of mothers, who are depressed during pregnancy, have structural deficiencies in the structure of their right amygdale causing it to be abnormal.

The amygdale is a brain structure important for the regulation of emotion and stress, and having one amygdale that is smaller than the other has been associated with fear and anxiety disorders. Fear is an emotional and physical response to danger. Anxiety can lead to panic attacks that occur when the amygdale sends signals that a person is in danger, even when there is no real threat. I saw in an April 2013 article from Gravida National Centre for Growth and Development, that research proves maternal stress and fear can effect the development of unborn babies. International research shows babies do respond to outside environment influences and stress while in the womb. In another article on WebMD titled Fetus to Mom; You’re stressing me out; it is stated that stress is an example of how a fetus responds to stimuli in the womb and adapts physiologically. When the mother is stressed, several biological changes occur, including elevation of stress hormones and increased likelihood of intrauterine infection. The fetus builds itself permanently to deal with this kind of high stress environment, and once it’s born may be at greater risk for a whole bunch of stress related pathologies. The article also states that it is clear that when a pregnant woman experiences anxiety her body produces chemicals that affect the baby too. Women’s psychological functioning during pregnancy – their anxiety level, stress personality-ultimately affects the temperament of their babies. It has to…the baby is awash in all the chemicals produced by the mom.

I currently take medication for depression and anxiety, and on occasion, I have experienced panic attacks. Until I came into this knowledge during my research, I had always believed the depression was a result of not being with my mother, and things that happened in my childhood. But now, I understand that the root of my depression, anxiety, and fear may go back as far as when I was developing in my mother’s womb. Because of my Christian faith, I’ve tried many times over the years to stand in prayer against depression and not take antidepressants, but it always returns. I told my physician that I could not understand some of my episodes of depression because it would come upon me when there was nothing actually making me sad. He explained to me that my depression is most likely the result of chemical imbalances in my brain, and not necessarily situational. When I started working in positions that carried high levels of stress, I also began having signs of anxiety. I read that anxiety may be caused by a mental condition, a physical condition, the effects of drugs, or a combination of these. Anxiety is also a normal relation to stress, but can take on a life of its own and become an unhealthy generalized reaction that affects the body and mind. When I sought treatment for rage and worry, that’s when I learned I was experiencing generalized anxiety coupled with depression. It was amazing to me when I learned how much my siblings and I have in common as it relates to depression, anxiety and sleep paralysis. Most of our children also have experiences of or suffer with these conditions. This is what we call generational curses. That’s a whole other discussion. In addition to that, I have learned that there is also mental illness in my mother’s bloodline. My grandmother was Bipolar. Between myself, my siblings and our Children, I am aware of diagnosis of bipolar, major depression disorder, schizophrenia, and anger disorders. So Hello world! Here I come.

Beginning with childhood, I experienced seeing and hearing things during the night that no one else did. One night, I woke my foster mom twice because I heard knocking outside our bedroom window, but she saw and heard nothing. Sometimes I would see people entering the bedroom during the night and standing over me in my bed, and I would be terrified. I occasionally, experience sleep paralysis. What is Sleep Paralysis? you may ask. Scientists say that Sleep Paralysis is simply a sign that your body is not moving smoothly through the stages of sleep. It is also said that, over the centuries, symptoms of sleep paralysis are often attributed to an evil Presence; unseen night demons in ancient times, the old hag in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, and alien abductors. It is a feeling of being conscious but unable to move or speak. You may also feel pressure like something is holding you down, or a sense of choking. It usually occurs when you are falling asleep, or as you are waking up. It occurs during periods of REM and NREM sleep. It, typically is first noticed in teen years, and may run in families. Scientists consider it a type of sleep disorder experienced by 4 out of 10 people. I first began experiencing sleep paralysis in my 20s, after I moved away from home. Sleep paralysis has a depth to it where the fear is so strong that all you want to do is wake up, and you find yourself doing all sorts of things to get fully awake. I moan, and I struggle to move parts of my body or to shake my body, I feel like I’m drugged and being pulled downward. I struggle to call on the name of Jesus until I can fully speak the name out loud. I have learned that my biological brothers and sisters have experienced sleep paralysis also.

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CHAPTER 2

Seeds of Abandonment

and Rejection

Abandonment

Abandonment- to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert; to abandon one’s farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship. It was one Sunday about a year ago that my Pastor began to explain experiences that he and his wife suffered during their marriage, that were caused by being abandoned by their parents. It was during that message that I became aware that I too had some personality flaws that very well may be due to being abandoned by my parents. In addition to that, this made me realize that I was in essence an orphan because I’ve never known who my biological father is. I learned that there is a condition named Abandoned child syndrome. Abandoned child syndrome is a behavioral or psychological condition that results primarily from the loss of one or both parents, or sexual abuse. Abandonment may be physical (the parent is not present in the child’s life) or emotional (the parent withholds affection, nurturing, or stimulation). Parents who leave their children, with or without good reason, can cause psychological damage to the child. This damage is reversible, but only with appropriate assistance. Abandoned children may also often suffer physical damage from neglect, malnutrition, starvation, and abuse. Abandonment experiences and boundary violations are in no way indictments of a child’s innate goodness and value. Instead, they reveal the flawed thinking, false beliefs, and impaired behaviors of those who hurt them. Still, the wounds are struck deep in their young hearts and minds, and the very real pain can still be felt today. The causes of emotional injury need to be understood and accepted so they can heal. Until that occurs, the pain will stay with them, becoming a driving force in their adult lives. (Wikipedia). For a child abandonment can affect their self –esteem, and can impair a person’s ability to trust others. These fears could make a person prone to anxiety, depression, codependence, or other issues.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had no biological children of their own, but they had an adopted daughter. Their daughter was my babysitter. I’ve never heard the story of how it happened exactly, but my mother left me with the Browns when I was six months old. There was no legal paperwork or department of social services involvement in their arrangement. My mother later told me that she was living in poverty, not making enough money to care for her children, and that she left me with the Browns because she believed they could take better care of me. I have no memory of regular visits from my mother, but she said she visited often. My mother gave birth to five more children after abandoning me. She had three boys and two girls. I often wondered why after she began to have more children, didn’t she come back and get me. She never explained that. I was angry with her most of my life because she didn’t come get me. When I received Jesus as my savior I saw in the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew chapter 6 that if I didn’t forgive people of their trespasses against me, God would not forgive me of my trespasses. And I learned that my salvation was based on the forgiveness of my sin. I cried out to God for him to help me forgive her. I began to see that I had a lot more sin to be forgiven for through Christ than what I was angry with her about. As I learned more about her childhood experiences, and her abusive relationship with her husband, I felt sad for what she had endured. Empathy led me to forgive her even more for abandoning me.

Rejection

Rejection is - refusal, no acceptance, declining, turning down, dismissal, no, rebuff, the spurning of a person’s affections. So what does rejection feel like? During my research I saw an article in Psychology Today. The article said that rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in our brain. The article states that MRI studies have showed that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection, as when we experience physical pain. It states that this is why rejection hurts so much. It states that rejection creates surges of anger and aggression, and that it is a greater risk for adolescence violence than drugs, poverty, or gang membership. I can agree with this. I experienced these surges even into my late adult years, and could not determine why. The article speaks of the fact that we all have a fundamental need to belong to a group. When we are rejected, the feeling of rejection adds to our emotional pain. Even as I was writing on the subject of Abandonment, I experienced emotions that I was not aware were still there. At the age of 60 years old, why would my being abandoned by my mother when I was a baby still affect me now? Why did I want to cry?

Although the seed of rejection was most likely planted when I was abandoned, I struggled with rejection a lot during my life. When I was a child I didn’t quite fit in. Children are the same today as they were in the 60s when I was in elementary school. There were bullies then, just as there are now. Children said cruel things then just as they do now. I was a clumsy child. I was very skinny, and not attractive. I had crossed eyes with a stigmatism, and mama (Mrs. Brown) did not have money to get me glasses. Other children called me crossed eyes, wall eyes, Clarence the cross eyed lion, or someone would come up to me and put two fingers in front of my face and ask me how many fingers I saw, expecting me to say four. Neither the children nor I knew that the issue with my eyes was genetic. My biological mom’s family has many who are crossed eyed. Anyone who has this genetic issue has suffered rejection because of it. Rejection has a pain that goes deep into your soul.

There is a spiritual aspect of abandonment and rejection also. When God has anointed you for a specific Kingdom work satan is aware of it and will begin attacking you in your childhood. The enemy uses these spirits to keep you from fulfilling God’s purpose and assignment for your life. Rejection leads to fear. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of not being approved. Fear of failure. One of the ways satan used these spirits was to try and silence my voice. For many years I was afraid to speak my truths, or speak up for myself. John 10:10 says that the thief does not come but to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that you might have life, and that you may have it in abundance. I’ve been delivered by the blood of the Lamb.

A Shaky Foundation

We have looked at some of the first seeds that were sown in my life, and where I believe they originated. Now I’m going to share the foundation, or cultivation of the soil these seeds were sown in. Come along with me on a trip into my childhood. Some of you may be able to relate to some of these experiences from what occurred in your own childhood. Starting here I’ll be telling about the life I remember from my point of view, no one else’s. I have purposely toned down my true emotions about some of what I’ll be sharing, because it is not my intention to make anyone look bad.

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CHAPTER 3

My New Family

Meet the Browns

In hindsight The Browns were a blessing in my life. I can see this now after many years of being a Christian. The scriptures say in Genesis 50:20 NIV You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. It was satan’s plan to destroy my mind, and to kill me. But it was the Lord’s plan to use my experiences to deliver someone else from their pain.

The Brown’s were the only family that I knew for most of my life. They were an older couple, almost old enough to be my grandparents. I didn’t know just how old they were until Mrs. Brown, whom I call mama, died. That’s when I discovered that she was 83 years old. I was 38 at the time of her death. When Mr. Brown, daddy, died I was only 8. I have a very vague memory of him. When I started elementary school I learned that my last name was actually different from theirs. My birth certificate had my last name listed, as the name of the man my mother was married to when I was born. Mama tried to register me in school as Ann Brown, but they would not allow it, because that was not my legal name. I found some paperwork after her death where she had tried to adopt me. My last name was Brown on those papers. Because the adoption process was not completed, I was the only one in the family that didn’t have the last name of Brown. Carol’s last name was Brown because Mr. and Mrs. Brown had adopted her. And Gina’s last name was Brown, because she was born to Carol out of wedlock.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown were bootleggers. If you are unfamiliar with the term; this is what people who sold alcoholic beverages out of their homes are called. In the 50s and 60s there were a lot of bootleg houses; also known as liquor houses in our neighborhood. A lot of poor black women ran these businesses out of their homes as their only source of income. When my foster dad died, Mama and my foster sister continued to run the business. There were lots of people, lots of drinking, and lots of partying at our house. Mama was employed outside the home as a maid and a cook for a Caucasian family. She was a very kind hearted lady. She loved children, and in her older years she kept them to supplement her social security income. She was very attractive, and she loved make up and jewelry. Her hair was beautiful, and I enjoyed combing it. Many nights I would roller set her hair before she went to bed. She was the best cook in the world. She cooked everything from scratch, and made some of the best baked goods you could ever taste. I shiver now just thinking about her cooking. That woman could cook! She loved a clean house too. I think she was obsessed with cleanliness. I would often have to do my choirs over and over again, to meet her satisfaction. Everything had a process to it. Before I ever knew that there was a certain way that military beds were made, I was making a bed that way. There was a set pattern of systematically making the bed perfectly. I still make my bed that way, and I still want it to be perfect. I taught my children to make theirs that same way too, but it didn’t stick. Mama was very methodical in the way tasks/chores were done, and she taught me to be the same way.

Church was a part of our life for as far back as I can remember. Mama took Gina and me, but I don’t remember Carol going. I loved seeing Mama transition into such a beautiful woman when she dressed for church. The ladies wore hats to church back in those days. She had a lot of hats, and they were all kept in their separate boxes. Her hats were of all different sizes, shapes, and colors. Although the lifestyle of mama, her friends, and our neighbors was not exactly Christ like, going to church was a basic part of our lives. On Sundays you would see lots of families walking to church, because few families in our neighborhood owned cars.

Carol, my foster sister, was a very pretty fair skinned woman. She had a small frame, and beautiful long black hair. I loved combing and styling her hair too. I call her my sister/mama because she was allowed to treat me as though I was her daughter. For a period of my childhood I was confused about which one of them was my mama. I thought Carol was my mom, and mama was my grandmother until one day Carol told me she wasn’t my mama; Mama was. I was confused even more about what was going on with me, and this family. Carol’s daughter Gina didn’t call her mama; she called Mama, mama like the two of us did. All my childhood friends thought Gina and I were sisters and Carol was my mama too. Most of them didn’t know I was adopted. Mama didn’t marry again, and Carol remained single all her life. There was no male in our home. Carol was the dominant person over all of us, including Mama. She had a very vile mouth,