Home Again: Practical Principles for Reclaiming Yourself After Years of Fighting Against Yourself

By Louis Collins

One of the toughest dichotomies we will ever face is the battle between who we are and who God has called us to be. Many times we get in our own way which causes us to put on personas that God never intended us to wear. Because we desire the success we see others have we feel we have to be like them. The problem with that is we end up losing who we really are in the process. Take this journey with me as I strategically help you get back onto your path to purpose. As I help you find you way HOME!

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Apr 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9781973688556

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-8856-3 (sc)

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WestBow Press rev. date: 04/30/2020

For my Family & Friends

CONTENTS

Note From The Author

Chapter 1 Frontin’ Heavy

Chapter 2 Masterpiece Thinking

Chapter 3 Unyielding Dichotomy

Chapter 4 Approval Addiction

Chapter 5 Free Agent

Chapter 6 Butterfly Effect

Chapter 7 Sheep Behavior

Chapter 8 Relentless Sticktoitiveness

Chapter 9 Individualization Gravitation

Chapter 10 Vision Rehab

Chapter 11 Under Construction

Chapter 12 Hideously Beautiful

Chapter 13 Unmasked Pain

Chapter 14 Home Again

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Thank you for having the faith to trust me with your time as you read my book. My prayer is that it will be time well spent. For many years I struggled with being comfortable in my own identity, primarily because I always felt that it wasn’t enough. As a kid born in South Central, Los Angeles, I thought I had to carry the identity that the stigma from that area represented. Sure, I loved my west coast hip hop. I even empathized with the underprivileged and marginalized while understanding the drug epidemic that ran through the inner city of Los Angeles. However, at my core, I was just a church boy who was a loner and had a very elaborate imagination. I could never really relate to the culture that I saw because my family did an amazing job of shielding me from it. What’s weird is that I felt I had to be what I saw to be relevant and survive. This behavior carried into college and ultimately in my daily living when I had to start adulting on my own. When you believe a lie for so long, you begin to think it’s your truth. When the truth is, I’m a nerd, and I’m street smart. I like books and backyard boogies, ministry and music, Kirk and Kendrick, sports and politics. This book is for individuals who are like me. This book is for readers who enjoy practicality and those who prefer rich thought. This book is for the inmate in cell block D and the straight A student attending Howard University. This book is for the new minister and the distinguished Bishop. Whatever your existential plight, allow the content of this book to find a space in your spirit. Allow a young kid who spent most of his life living for other people show you how to find your way back home!

CHAPTER I

Frontin’ Heavy

It was January 3rd, 2018, while sitting on my couch in Great Falls, Montana, when it happened. I remember the day like yesterday, forty degrees and sunny outside. While reading John Gray’s Win From Within book, I realized that I was a fraud. Recently let go from my job; I was left to answer many questions about myself that I had never asked before.

Here I am, thirty-two years old, not even three months into my marriage to my beautiful wife and I arrive at a slow realization that she indeed married a man that was not authentic to himself. Of course, no fault of her own, how was she supposed to know that the man she fell in love with couldn’t even recognize who he indeed was? Caught up on selfish ambition and attention driven outcomes, I sat there as God exposed me to me.

I treated people the

right way, and I did my

best to do what was right in

the eyes of people.

By no means was I a terrible person. I treated people the right way, and I did my best to do what was right in the eyes of people. Yet, I knew disturbing concerns about myself that my wife, mother, or even spiritual father could not rationalize with.

I frequently found myself battling between who I was and who I wanted to be and pondered how to get to the latter. I was determined to get to the latter even if that meant ignoring character traits about myself. Features that would propel me into the room of my ambitions, but at the same time, leave my integrity at the door. My heart was always sincere, but my methods were not always wise. Somewhere between my growing up years in South Central, Los Angeles, and Great Falls, Montana, I lost sight of who God wanted me to be and became obsessed with a persona I had created in my mind. A persona I believed people wanted me to be.

While sitting on my couch wondering how I strayed so far away from my true self, a particular line from the movie Drumline became more real to me than ever before in my life. If you are familiar with the film, there is a part of the movie where the protagonist, Devon, was just kicked off the snare line for being a reckless rebel. His jealous upperclassman bandmate Sean approaches Dr. Lee, the band director about an idea he has for the drumline moving forward and when he presents his concept Dr. Lee asked:

and how long you been thinking that?

Just this morning, Sean replied.

Are you sure? I thought maybe it was the day you showed us all that he (Devon) couldn’t read. Or the night he took your solo. I don’t know. But ever since you heard him play, you decided that the line or perhaps maybe just you would be better off without him. Dr. Lee expressed.

As Dr. Lee continued to press Sean about his thoughts, he reminded him of a significant point early on in Sean’s collegiate career as a band member:

Remember when I first made you section leader? You were sweating bullets wondering how you could lead this loud, passionate group of your peers, and I said you would be fine, remember why?

You said I loved the sound of the line more than the sound of my own drum, Sean replied.

Yes! And you’ve lost sight of that. And that’s ok because we all lose sight of things sometimes. But if you don’t get it together Mr. Taylor, you’re going to have a tougher time leading the snare line whether Devon is on it or not. Lee explained.

My drumline moment and conversation with God happened that day in January, sitting on the couch. God reminded me of how everything I desired to do in ministry came out of a pure heart, and over the years, I lost sight of why I got into ministry in the first place. As I sat, I heard clearly the voice of God say close to the same thing Dr. Lee expressed to Sean; that if you don’t get it together you are about to mismanage your life, your gifting and everything I had planned for your destiny from the day you were born.

Dr. Dharius Daniels, the senior pastor of Change Church and professor at Princeton University, often uses a saying alluding to how, when we are exposed to something, we can’t be unexposed to it. I was exposed to things that ultimately thwarted much of the innocence of servitude and essentially became a person driven by selfish ambition.

This book is for individuals who experienced a loss of true identity on the road to achieving success. This book is for those who have experienced traumatic events that have consequently pushed them off the path of purpose.

For many people,

this is how we get

lost in personalities that

are not our own.

This book is for those who got caught in a lifestyle that they wish they didn’t and are struggling to find their way back home. However, through this book, I want to hopefully give some practical principles that help you understand that you gain the most in life by being who God called you to be.

-Lost In It-

The word frontin is an urban colloquialism that surfaced in the early to mid-90s that used to describe someone who was putting up a façade to impress or, in some relevant way, deceive individuals and maintain a false image. Simply put, to act like something or someone you are not. For many people, this is how we get lost in personalities that are not our own. Then when we build a community of people around us based on this persona, we are forced to maintain characteristics that many times are not conducive to who God wants us to be.

Let me be crystal clear that I do not ascribe to the notion that people can’t change and grow into a superior version of themselves. Frontin heavy means putting on an identity that was never tailored for you to wear and then trying to do everything you can to fit into that perception when it would be a lot easier and less stressful to be yourself.

Imagine if David tried to fight Goliath in Saul’s armor? David was a young adolescent boy when he went up against the Philistine’s most exceptional champion. Saul, who was the King of Israel, tried to put his armor on David, and David had enough foresight, and to be honest, common sense to know his most significant advantage was in the nature of who he was (1 Samuel 17). The reason many of us can’t beat or overcome situations in our lives is that we are trying to fight the battle from the posture of an identity that’s not ours.

If I grew up in a sheltered household but witnessed the lifestyle of someone who grew up in a freer or less restrictive environment and because their lifestyle rewarded them a quality of life I desired; I would be tempted to try and live up to