Raw Intentions

By Sarah Schneider

The biggest lie ever told: “I’m fine.”

Depression, attempted suicide, love, loss, rape and social media abuse are considered modern day realities and a rite of passage for the young and impressionable.

As Savannah transitions into adulthood, society is quick to define her by the choices and situations she puts herself in. Her world spirals down a tunnel of no return and the aspirations and expectations childhood set her up for are replaced with recklessness and a strong inclination toward self-sabotage.

“This was an incredibly powerful, emotional and heartbreaking read,”
—Pacific Book Review

“She wanted to be responsible for her own happiness, to be strong enough to overcome moments of weakness and times of irrationality.”
—Premium US Reviews

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jul 22, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728390673

Book preview

PART ONE

CHAPTER 1

You did what? she asked, as her eyes began to burn, triggering the onset of further symptoms, which included feeling as if her heart was plummeting to the pit of her stomach, which churned and coiled.

Silence answered her from the other side of the line. It was as if he’d hung up in an anxious attempt to avoid her reaction, to sidestep the responsibility of having to explain himself further. Desperation overwhelmed her, demanding that she repeat the question. The uncertainty and stillness were almost unbearable.

Despite the brief time they had been official, they were nothing short of inseparable. They were typical high school sweethearts, and those six months together were spent picnicking, binge-watching series, hiking to waterfalls, and napping. They stood as the definition of lovesick teenagers. Ever since their first encounter in the bathroom queue, at an open-invitation house party, Savannah had reluctantly agreed to attend. It was almost love at first sight and Savannah found it a challenge to determine how she’d ever felt real happiness before he came into her life. A dangerous affair of commitment, undoubtedly stupid as it was a fundamental rule of thumb never to invest such emotional importance in someone else. Never allow yourself to become so physically dependent on another. But trying to evade doing so proved almost impossible—another challenge in itself.

Pursuing her from across the heaving room and through the restless line, posing as a predator closing in on its prey, Matt had approached her, exuding an overpowering sense of resilience that hovered over him like some sort of aura. His confidence was so overbearing, it exuded from his body, ready to entice. He was obviously aware of the easily accessible power he would have over her. Never being one to succumb to such tawdry charm and egocentric demeanour, Savannah surprised herself by feeling a little out of her depth when he had loomed in front of her, standing so close that she could smell the musky scent of his cologne.

She blinked away the tears that were accumulating in the corners of her eyes. She could not let him hear her cry, hear how pathetically weak she was. As she sat fixated on the white noise radiating through from the other side of the line, she felt all hope she had been holding on to float away, like a child watching in devastation as their balloon was stolen by a breeze, overcome with grief, gazing up from below, watching it slowly sway back and forth and bouncing on the clouds of air, and then slowly dwindling in size until it was completely out of sight but never out of mind.

Matt, Savannah croaked, letting herself slide down against her door until she was on the floor, her knees pulled up tight against her chest as though they were able to provide some sort of protection from the impending heartache she was about to feel. She propped her chin on top of them, closed her eyes, and hoped it would prolong the hurt. She breathed in heavily, anxiously awaiting his response.

How could you not have known this was coming? he scoffed through the phone, conveying a tone of disgust. Cheating on me without even giving a second thought as to what would happen with us? God, did you really think you would get away with it? Did you honestly believe I would never find out? The sarcasm Savannah detected in his voice was so high-handed, she struggled to focus on the words that followed. Sorry, Sav, but that’s just not how things work, not in the real world. I had to show you how it feels. His long-awaited answer shot through her ear, cold and dismissive, almost haunting.

Wait, what? Matt, I … I didn’t cheat on you. Why would you think that? How could you even assume I would ever do such a thing? Not to you! She consciously pushed past the pounding rush that sounded in her ears. As she sat there confused and disconnected, she felt the blood slowly drain from her face. Never had she been so wrongly accused. How could things have been so perfect one day and then, the next, feel as though they were falling apart? How could things change so drastically in the space of a few hours? Last night everything was perfect. They were happy, they had laughed and joked and said their loving goodbyes before bed.

Now their entire relationship felt like a completed puzzle tossed to the floor, crumbling into a thousand pieces, almost in an irreparable state. This has to be some sort of joke, she thought, trying to console herself. No one in their right mind would do something so heartless, not without knowing for sure. He is not this impulsive. If he loves me like he says he does, this must just be one of his playful stunts. She was convinced she was the victim of a sick and twisted prank his friends had persuaded him into doing, Savannah stood but immediately felt dizzy and light-headed. She stepped back and perched herself at the foot of her bed to regain her composure. Her thoughts shuffled through every possible excuse for his unexpected claims.

Realising he was again unresponsive; Savannah began to feel agitated. Matt, please say something. Is this some sort of joke? I am seriously freaking out here.

Save it Sav, you were caught. Darren told me everything, he stated dismissively. Honestly, how stupid are you? Going out and doing something like that with another guy? And in public? Well, guess what? he barked, I went ahead and did the same to you! Only difference being that I actually have the guts to tell you about it before giving you the chance to hear it via the grapevine. Hurts, doesn’t it, being led to believe in something that actually never really existed? This was really just a slap in the face. Was I just not good enough for you? Was that it? Well, at least we can call it even now!

The way he sneered through each word sent chills spiralling through her body. Hatred sliced through her core like a sharp carving knife, effortlessly, holding the promise of leaving permanent scars. Hands uncontrollably trembling, Savannah tried to absorb what he was saying to her. She clutched her phone, walked over to the window, and looked out onto the garden, desperate to set things right. The weather had changed since she arrived home. Thick storm clouds now concealed the sky, shielding any sun from penetrating through, like they were reflecting the darkening core she felt tainting her happiness.

Matt, please, I have no idea what you are going on about. I haven’t been out with anyone. Darren must be mistaken. I love you Matt, I really really lo— Her voice holding striations of panic. Savannah began to feel as if the ceiling was pressing down against her and the walls closely warping around her. There was just no way she could lose him. He was everything to her.

God Savannah, just stop with your lies. It’s done. We are over! Matt interjected, his voice bursting with abomination, depriving her of any chance of defence. Before another word could be spoken, Savannah listened as the line went dead. The relentless beeping echoed in her ear. She was given no opportunity to reply and set things straight and rule out what Darren wrongfully claimed to have seen. Matt deprived her of any consideration. As easily as closing the door to an empty room, he’d just ended it all with no intention of ever looking back. It was unclear whether the faint sense of remorse in his anger was caused by the thought of losing her or because his ego felt deceived and badly tampered with.

Overcome with agonising pain pulsating through her chest, dispersing itself throughout the rest of her body at a rapid pace, she found herself completely frozen. Nothing made sense to her. None of it linked up. The idea of someone maliciously going out to sabotage her relationship was a difficult concept to handle. All Matt’s friends appeared to have liked her. Perhaps even a little more than what she had felt appropriate, but never had she felt the need to bring this to anyone’s attention. It seemed conclusive that they had accepted her, which stood as a milestone in any relationship. She made every conscious effort possible never to give them a reason to dislike her. There was no justified reason for any of them to purposely try and cripple things between her and Matt. As far as she could recall, there had never been any jealous bystanders. Admittedly, Matt had been a rather sought-after guy, but never had anything happened to suggest someone wanted to interfere with their relationship.

Consumed by the unwelcome thoughts flaring through her mind and having to digest every hurtful word Matt had spat at her, Savannah felt weak and dropped her phone to the floor as her body grew limp. A brief moment of stillness passed before she began to sob, her body’s natural reaction to survive the pain.

As pathetic as she felt for being this upset over something so trivial, her emotions soaked through her relentlessly. A person with depression is seldom able to reason with them self in the event of distress; all logic would dissolve upon the onset of an upsetting situation. Despite learning to deal with the prognosis as a young girl, Savannah remained unable to differentiate between irrational and rational thoughts. Any medication she had ever been prescribed had failed to help her recognise if an emotion was reasonable. It only seemed to aid in balancing them. Truthfully, she had never really been cooperative when it came to taking her antidepressants. Her parents were responsible for urging her to take them religiously after a numerous number of professionals had advised her to do so, but taking medication to rectify a chemical imbalance in your brain, was a concept she could never quite grasp. She wanted to be responsible for her own happiness, to be strong enough to overcome moments of weakness and times of irrationality. She wanted to be in control of herself, solemnly relying on her own internal strength to overcome the challenges depression offered. But the times she had stopped the pills, convinced she would be able to handle herself, only served to occupy her mind with unremitting thoughts of despair and suicide. She then relished in the imaginings of not having to be in this life anymore, but rather being in a place of peace and contentment, with nothing holding the potential of creating distress, nothing to make her experience self-loathing or ideas to hurt herself as some sort of punishment. She knew those thoughts were unfounded, but she could not control them.

In an attempt to avoid drawing attention to herself, Savannah had developed the skill of restraint. Previously concerned with who was home and within earshot, she would now just slide down against the side of the bed, shielding her body from sight in the off chance anyone walked in and surprised her, and silently sob into her hands. It somehow provided her the comfort of a safe space to let go of all the things she was forced to hold in, a secret about herself she would refuse to ever admit. Never did she want someone to learn what a feeble person she really was, of her weaknesses or what set her off. Through years of experience, she’d found it had proven easiest to act blissfully happy and content. Life was just easier being overlooked and thought of as a normal functional being just plodding through life. She detested people seeing her unhappy, assuming it to be acceptable to question her personal life, probing as though they were genuinely concerned, when really, they were only interested in feeding their own curiosity. By nature, humans are drawn to scandal, particularly when it doesn’t involve them. Things just seemed easier when everyone bought into her façade of happiness and Savannah made every effort to brand herself as happy-go-lucky.

Abandoned, with thoughts that eclipsed all logic and reasoning, Savannah somehow found herself feeling relieved to be home alone. A situation that previously had brought on anxiety was now one she was grateful for. She had room to drop her mask of fixed happiness, allowing herself to erupt into a rainbow of emotions: anger, frustration, hatred, sorrow, anguish.

Having lived with the emotional curse of depression, Savannah had gradually fortified herself to ignore the impulse to do something stupid, to inflict pain upon herself, giving way to the ripple effect, hurting those around her in the aftermath. The mere assumption that hurting herself could provide some sort of release made the idea tempting and brought her to the verge of committing herself to the act, but her rationality proved to be more resilient. Attention to her depression was not a notion Savannah encouraged. Falling under the radar was an absolute blessing.

CHAPTER 2

You cannot possibly think it’s all right to wear that?

Thrown by the harshness conveyed in Adri’s tone, Savannah stumbled back, hesitantly glimpsing herself in the mirror for the thousandth time, not because of vanity, but rather because of the constant dissatisfaction she felt towards the person who returned her gaze. She loathed the girl who posed as her reflection, staring back at her with large, unnerving eyes. So small and timid, she exuded the signature look of a plain Jane, blending in with the dullness of the background. It had never bothered her to be self-aware, but as she had entered her teen years, the feeling intensified into a toxic affair of self-loathing.

What do you mean? Does it look bad? she asked, frantically spinning around to face Adri, who was now smearing a vixen-red gloss across her lips, rubbing them together and pouting at the mirror with approval.

Don’t listen to Adri, Sav. You look hot as fuck! Besides, it is a concert we are going to. If you can’t wear something like that to this party, where can you? Milly piped in. Emerging from the bathroom, she strode out in a metallic gold body-con playsuit complimented with a pair of killer heels.

Adri nimbly pushed herself up from the dressing table and sauntered over to Milly, playfully fanning at herself for dramatic effect. "I don’t know about her, but you look hot as fuck, she dominantly proclaimed, slipping an arm around Milly’s waist. It would be a sin not to take a selfie right now! Adri eagerly pulled out her phone and began snapping pics of the two of them as Savannah stood watch. Richard is going to be kicking himself now for breaking up with you."

Feeling a little out of her depth, Savannah forced another glance in the mirror, noting her outfit of choice in comparison. She had never been one to dress up to the occasion. She always opted for something more understated, something a little less attention seeking. She had settled on wearing mottled denim shorts, questionably too short to regard as outerwear. She quickly twisted herself around for a view of the back, observing how little was left to the imagination. Completing her outfit with a black corseted top and circus red heels, Savannah considered Adri’s comment and felt an inkling to agree. The heels were a bit over the top. They hadn’t been her first choice. She hated stumbling around awkwardly, as though having no control of herself, feeling as though a mere breathe of wind could tip her over, but Milly always insisted on wearing a pair. According to her friend, heels were a girl’s rite of passage and something they needed to take full advantage of in their youth. Considering Adri’s choice of heels, sky-high and closely resembling those belonging to a woman of the night, Savannah pushed the assumption out of her mind. Alternatively, Adri could have been referring to her shorts. A strong claim Savannah stood by was having one piece of her outfit reasonably suggestive, while retaining a more conservative approach for the rest of her look. But the longer she deliberated her outfit of choice in the mirror, the more confused she felt. She could not decipher whether the tone Adri had used during her scrutiny was specifically referring to the inappropriateness of Savannah’s outfit or whether her intentions were to intensify Savannah’s own insecurities. Losing the shred of confidence she had been grasping, for the night, Savannah slipped off her heels and sipped at the bottle of wine Milly had snuck from her parents’ liquor cabinet.

***

A surge of excitement filled the car as they drew nearer to the stadium. The street was overflowing with crowds of people, all hurriedly making their way towards the venue, laughing hysterically and stumbling over one another. Nervously, Milly glanced over to her dad, hoping he would be just as oblivious and disinterested in their surroundings as he always was. Exhaling in relief, she turned to her friends in the back seat and gave a cheeky wink, an informative gesture telling them he hadn’t noticed the booze-infested crowd he was about to abandon them in, completely unaware of the questionable remark’s guys were calling out to girls passing by.

Thanks, Daddy. You can just drop us here, Milly suggested, exhibiting the sweetest of tones, the sort that made it obvious she was attempting to obscure his attention from something disapproving. She released her seat belt and fervently spun her head towards her friends’, as though there was not another second to lose. If there ever was a sign to evacuate a vehicle with haste, this was undeniably it. But Mr Robinson was the most unaware of all their parents. Almost as though he chose to be ignorant regarding the decisions his daughter made as well as the details of the events she chose to attend—hence why he was continuously nominated as their driver. Milly never really gave him much choice though. Rather than asking him to take her and her friends somewhere, she simply instructed him, completely expecting him to conform to her request. More often than not, he would put up a little resistance, complaining how spoilt and selfish they all were, all of which went unheard because in the end he would always comply. Clearly Milly had complete control over him. Wrapped around her little finger so to speak. As if he were just some puppet on a string, Milly manipulated him into doing everything her way. Despite all feeling terrible about taking advantage of his apparent flaw, it proved to be exceptionally convenient for them. In times when other parents would take one look at the gathering, censoriously spin the car around, and take off in the opposite direction, Mr Robinson was blinded. Against her better judgement, Savannah had a strong suspicion that he was all too aware of what was happening but figured that he deliberately chose not to be bothered. Laziness or perhaps general exhaustion of giving a care? The reason was unclear, but because it suited them all, Savannah had no desire to question it. Not once had he investigated the whereabouts and presence of parents at house parties or questioned the obvious scent of alcohol they all wore whenever they drunkenly crawled into the back seat of his car after a night out, slurring and giggling uncontrollably.

Casually, he pulled the car over into a crowded car park, tossing a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it with content. After a seemingly long pause, he bowed around to his daughter, hanging his hand and cigarette out of the window.

Well, are you girls going in, or are you planning on enjoying the concert from out here?

Right. … OK, thanks! Milly bellowed, while Adri and Savannah jumped out of the car. As the three of them stood and watched the headlights disappear into the traffic overhead, they swiftly adjusted their outfits, hiking up their skirts and adjusting their bras to display full cleavage, a feature Savannah had been biologically deprived of. Only after each received a systematic nod of approval, Savannah being the exception, they merged themselves into the flow of people and headed towards their destination.

***

Gliding through the crowds, dodging the odd person who lay lifeless on the grass after having peaked too soon, the girls entered the outskirts of the stadium, determined to source some form of alcohol. Experience had granted them the upper hand and wisdom to get their drinks before allowing themselves to be engulfed by the screaming crowds prancing in front of the stage, at which point it was nearly impossible to navigate one’s way out of.

Well, hello there, ladies, a familiar yet unwelcome voice called—one so distinct it required no verification. Adri flung her hair back irritably and spun around, tossing one hand on her hip. The annoyance in her choice of posture was blatantly obvious.

Oh well, if I had known you would be here, I would definitely have sat this one out, she proclaimed, waving her other hand in front of her. Being overdramatic was definitely a trait she seemed to favour, as though it offered some sort of thrill. But seriously! What exactly do you think you are doing here? I would never have guessed concerts to be your sort of vibe.

Reluctantly, Savannah and Milly had turned their cheek, knowing exactly where things were headed. Adri and Jason were one of those ‘on-again, off-again’ couples, notorious for their public displays of passion, whether it be screaming matches or inappropriate acts of intimacy, both of which would leave bystanders feeling uncomfortable and unsure where to direct their focus. There had never been a greater mismatch of a couple, but somehow, they were always drawn back to each other. Like moths to a flame, fluttering towards the light, aware of the dangers it possessed, knowing the possibility of their wings being so easily set alight and destroyed forever, yet still adamant on doing so. The desire held between them was admirable. To put themselves through such mentally exhausting challenges time and time again displayed genuine love.

Milly and Savannah had become so accustomed to hearing Adri’s unremitting complaining about how immature he was, how he was an attention-seeking asshole, completely self-absorbed with an EQ no higher than his shoe-size, that it always ceased to amaze them to see the two walking hand-in-hand looking like lovesick teenagers so soon after.

All right, so what is my thing then? Jason enquired as he sauntered over, playfully slapping her ass, triggering a reaction of embarrassment from Adri as she giggled and pushed him back in a spirited manner.

Savannah and Milly exchanged looks. As much as Savannah was finding this state of affairs rather amusing, she couldn’t help letting her eyes wander towards the three guys who had accompanied Jason, especially the one. There was such a mysterious ambiance about him: deep-set eyes displaying tones of green and yellow, a squared jaw that rippled when he clenched it, and thick golden-brown hair that curled in just the right places. He intrigued her so much that she failed to realise how long she had allowed her eyes to linger. His gaze suddenly darted towards her as he caught her watching. Savannah quickly turned to Milly, who was now introducing herself to Jason’s group. Milly’s attention shifted over to him as he accepted her handshake and introduced himself as Steve. Much like the names Jacob, Brett, or Daniel, it was one that reminded her of someone whose parents lacked a certain flair of creativity, latching onto a common name to avoid further over expenditure of imagination. This case was just as unfortunate. His looks and demeanour were anything but common. Savannah followed suit and shook hands with all the guys, hesitating when she got to Steve. His eyes bore into hers, looking highly focused, like an eagle narrowing down on its prey. Just the flash of his smile made Savannah’s cheeks flush. She yanked her hand from his hold as though the touch had burnt her and hurried over to Milly, who had now immersed herself into a deep conversation with the other two guys.

What were their names? Savannah pondered as she rooted herself beside her friend. Now that Steve was out of her peripheral vision, she had the chance to consider his friends. They were significantly older looking than Jason and Steve, with outgrown stubble and weathered complexions. Unaware of the obvious frown that drew over her expression, she looked between Milly and them, trying to figure out where her friends’ interest lay. Milly did like older guys, but these two definitely fell a little outside her typical standards.

So, it’s starting soon, should we go? Savannah interrupted, tugging at Milly’s arm. She was never one to interrupt a conversation when all parties were engrossed in it, but with her sudden awareness of Steve’s rousing gaze fixed on her, she was desperate for an escape. Noticing Savannah’s subtle tone of urgency, Milly concluded her discussion with the two guys, naturally exchanging numbers before doing so.

Um, I will just catch up with you guys later. Adri waved nonchalantly, maintaining her full attention on Jason. As much as Adri tried to act hardened and unscathed by life, she was complete putty in his presence.

Despite never having attended a concert of this calibre before, Savannah found that it failed to meet her expectations. The set-up was not as expansive as she had anticipated, and the crowd appeared slightly frigid. Granted, it was just a local act, which wouldn’t come close to creating the same amount of noise as one at an international standard, but it was still hard to grasp the idea that those paying to attend weren’t feeling a little more festive than they were letting on. In all, it was somewhat of a mood dampener.

After minutes wasted trying to find a decent looking drink stall, Savannah and Milly shifted through the groups of people, sidestepping clouds of smoke and loosely held drinks, finally claiming a small opening at the front of the stage. As nice as it was to be up close and personal with the band, Savannah was unconvinced about the hype this spot created. After the night gained some momentary momentum, the hordes of people behind them closed in on their space, making it close to impossible for them to move. The concept of personal space was non-existent and whoever had invented the fist-pump had definitely not considered the overcrowded atmosphere of a festival. She had been punched, elbowed, stepped on and scratched. She expected to emerge from the event looking as though she had been molested by a thicket of thorns.

Staying true to previous habits, Milly had darted off somewhere after recognising someone in the crowd, promising to bring back refills but expectedly failing to do so. Savannah stood submerged within an absent-minded crowd, having given up every attempt to escape from it. Everyone was so tightly knitted together, dancing as one whole body, as though doing it intentionally to prevent anyone from leaving. Through her own obscured thoughts, Savannah consciously reminded herself to take in deep breaths to prevent claustrophobia from settling in. A sense of foreboding crept over her—destitution and loneliness, feelings she was all too well acquainted with, yet ones she was never quite able to handle. Looking upwards towards the glittering sky, feeling close to defeat, Savannah felt the first drop of rain graze her cheek. It was so gentle that it could have gone unnoticed. It stood as the tremor before the quake before the clouds ruptured, surrendering a shower of rain on everything below. The masses of people dispersed in screams, running in every direction in search of cover. It was incredible how fragile something could be in isolation, but when enforced in a powerful volume, contained the potential to create absolute havoc, like a single drop of rain within a rainstorm. Savannah allowed herself to delight in the sensation each drop delivered as it touched her skin. It held such serenity and calmness that she found it impossible not to relish in it. Within that moment, she felt a hand weave its way around her waist, while another thrust a protective covering over her head, guarding her from the rain.

I was fortunate enough to stumble upon this, a serene whisper blew down her neck. And I thought it would be only fair to share my luck with someone.

A little bothered by the unsolicited intrusion, Savannah glanced up and felt tension overwhelm her body. The heat emitting off his body, as he towered over her was distracting.

Well, in that case, she began, hoping a playful tone would render her bewilderment. She reached over, grabbed the bottom of the umbrella rod he was holding, and pulled it over herself. Already drenched, it seemed pointless taking cover from the rain, but there was something about his presence that she found appealing. Grinning down at her, he admired the feistiness she possessed.

Aargh, I have been completely abandoned by everyone. Shocker! Savannah muttered sarcastically as she pulled out her phone. There was not so much as a text from either Milly or Adri. Her all too apparent and estranged friendship with Adri made the disregard for touching base with Savannah understandable, it was more Milly whom Savannah was directing her annoyance towards.

Ahh well, good thing I was there to rescue you. Now, how about a drink? Posed as more of a rhetorical question, Steve leant over the bar and caught the barman’s attention. Vodka, lime and soda? Before she could respond, he returned his attention towards the barman, Double, please. He instructed with confidence. Surprisingly, Savannah found herself relishing in the privilege of having her decisions made for her. Being so highly strung, she found it to be a welcome change. The fact that Steve seemed to be headstrong on making suitable decisions, was something she found reassuring.

It’s just rude declining a free drink, Adri’s previous declaration rung in her memory as she graciously accepted the drink from Steve. Despite her usual discomfort with strangers, Savannah found herself enjoying his company. She was captivated by him, hanging on to every word he said and every story he told. Not to say that what he was sharing was of much interest to her, but she was completely enthralled by everything he was. It felt as though she had the fortune of stumbling upon a drug that offered you your ideal world in one go. A possible effect from her drunkenness, the newly poured drink Steve offered her tasted more potent than the last, very different from the first. But it would have been rude of her to question it, so she thanked him with a smile before taking a sip.

Instead of returning to his seat opposite her, he sat himself beside her, brushing his hand against her leg. As though by reflex, she shifted slightly, tucking a ringlet of hair behind her ear. The change in position allowed her to feel the subtle vibration in her bag. Cursing herself for having been so engrossed in their conversation, she scrolled through the missed calls and messages from both Milly and Adri. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Giving up on reading the messages after realising her vision was partially impaired, she got to her feet and dialled Milly’s number.

Savannah, oh thank God! a frantic voice screamed down the phone. My dad is waiting and totally just threatened to leave!

Oh shit! Ok, I’m coming.

Detecting the sudden sense of urgency, Steve stood up, offering his hand to Savannah for support. A gesture intended to be polite, but really was just affirmation that he knew how drunk