Return to Harmony: Conflict Management for Couples

By Les Barbanell

It is uncommon for lawyers and psychologists and other mental health professionals to agree on most subjects regarding the human condition. Eureka! Recent research by the American Association of Lawyers concluded that the #1 cause of divorce in America is poor communication. Psychologists concur with that conclusion, with the qualification that breakups among married and non-married partners alike are the result of ineffective emotional communication. As the divorce rate continues to hover around 40 per cent and is significantly higher for second marriages, progress in this critical aspect of relating, has apparently come to an abrupt halt. Moreover, advances in technology are making this state of affairs even more problematic.

 

Couples seek counseling because of the “usual suspects” including finances, infidelity, partner abuse, sexual inactivity or disparate child rearing practices. In most, if not all cases, the inability to negotiate these and other matters is attributable to clashing egos, incompatible communication styles and resistance to change.

 

The return to harmony presents a new approach that entails the replacement of the ubiquitous win-lose mentality with a mutual learning mindset, and a strategy that incorporates effective conflict management skills, less ego involvement and an assortment of tools to counteract the obstacles to mature love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Jan 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781480867130

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Copyright © 2019 Lester H. Barbanell.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4808-6714-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-6715-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-6713-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018912743

Archway Publishing rev. date: 02/27/2019

DEDICATION

I wish to dedicate this book to my beloved mother, Sally, who by her example, taught me to be attentive to my needs and accommodate the needs of others—simultaneously.

CONTENTS

Preamble

Perspective

SECTION I       The Erosion of Love

Chapter 1     Couples in Conflict

Chapter 2     Beliefs, Clichés and Truisms Revisited

Chapter 3     Pitfalls of Indirect Communication

Chapter 4     The Hidden Saboteur

Chapter 5     Pretend Mode—From Ecstasy to Agony

SECTION II   Love Rekindled

Chapter 6     No-Fault Conflict

Chapter 7     Tools of Engagement

Chapter 8     Couplethink

Chapter 9     The Uniqueness of Couple Intelligence

SECTION III     Love Preserved

Chapter 10   The Recovery Phase and New Challenges

Chapter 11   The Role of Counseling

Chapter 12   The Declaration of Interdependence

APPENDIX A  The Relate-Ability Scale

APPENDIX B  (Hypothetical) Scale Scores

APPENDIX C  Anxiety Management

Glossary

References

Recommended Reading

PREAMBLE

Psychology and the Love Cycle

(When Love Is Real)

I recall the day we met, perhaps too much too soon and yet.

It seemed that we were meant to be a dream was realized for me.

Yes we were such a perfect fit I swore at last that this was it.

You were my special fantasy into my future I could see.

Oh, the rush, the wonder of romance, our kiss, our song, our favorite dance.

I found the joy I was sure would last and recovered from my hurtful past.

We believed we had the best we would be different from the rest.

Convinced the high would so endure, we seemed content and so secure.

But when the mood began to turn, I tried and tried … you lost concern.

The day to day became pretend, all hope was lost we reached the end.

Everyday and night I felt the pain and vowed to never seek romance again.

I learned romantic love is just a phase and not the kind of bliss that stays.

I started over once again, much smarter now than I was then.

The ups and downs that help to make us grow, the late night talks, the closeness that we know.

Though romance is such a wonderful ideal, this time I get when love is real.

This time I trust when love is real.

Les Barbanell (iTunes)

PERSPECTIVE

MATURE LOVE IS THE VIRTUAL END-POINT OF A PATHway encompassing distinct but overlapping phases that I refer to as the love cycle. During the initial phase, the romantic phase, intimate partners are entrenched in an aura of boundless positive regard and unbridled passion, and potential problems are either ignored or trivialized, if noticed at all. After approximately nine to fifteen months, reality supplants illusion and the glow of the romantic phase begins to dim. Couples then enter a second phase, the discovery phase, wherein they become acutely aware that love and commitment alone will not suffice if they are to meet the challenges that lie ahead. They will be compelled to acknowledge their differences and explore their mutual capacity to contend with them. Their day-to-day interaction will be tested and retested by the ubiquitous blame mentality, faulty communication and action patterns, and subliminal or hidden forces.

Beginning in Section II, couples are introduced to a new strategy and an extensive repertoire of interpersonal tools to help them advance to the later stage of the love cycle, the recovery phase. This overall strategy, has not been formulated to help couples return to the ambience of the blissful romantic state, nor do its tenets provide a seamless path through the proverbial relationship minefield. The latter, if you will, is an unattainable outcome often promised by well-intentioned, perhaps overzealous, self-help authors. Instead, the objective here is to help clients and other readers navigate the phases of the love cycle with less confusion and renewed optimism.

Letting-go and starting over with a new partner is always an option but for couples willing to do the work, the successful management of the obstacles to mature love and a return to harmony is a reasonable objective that can be met.

SECTION I

The Erosion of Love

YOU RETURN HOME FROM WORK AND YOUR PARTNER is engrossed in a computer. You exchange perfunctory greetings. You are not curious about her day and she doesn’t inquire about yours. Soon, you are sitting at the dinner table (with the children, if you have children), discussing mundane subjects while ignoring one another. One of the children inquires, Hey, Dad, how come you and Mom barely greet each other when you come home from work? You respond with a cryptic comment, and the subject is dropped. After dinner you go about your routines, acting as if nothing is wrong. In the evening you and your partner sleep in separate bedrooms, having told the inquiring children that it’s because you snore, even though you do not. You have not engaged in sexual activity for over a year, and both of you act as if the absence of intimacy is not terribly important. With each passing day, the attachment that you once cherished becomes a shallow caricature of what it was supposed to be.

As the weekend approaches, you have plans with a couple you have known for many years. They perceive your interaction in the usual manner; conversant, cordial, and light spirited. Like the children they are duped, oblivious to the reality that the smiles are forced, the dialogue is contrived, and the relationship is on the brink of collapse. The charade continues for friends and family members, especially for the grandparents of the children, who would be devastated if the truth were exposed. Moreover, the acting is so convincing that both of you believe that the play represents your true identity as a couple.

That rush, the wonder of romance, our kiss…our song, our favorite dance, of the early years, has been neutralized by innumerable empathic failures, outbursts of negative emotions and destructive actions. Blame, competitiveness, and ego sensitivity have fostered irreparable schisms. The travesty to which each of you have participated continues, as the issues of the day and the emotions associated with them are internalized and addressed only on rare occasions.

The regression from harmony to discord and from fulfillment to emptiness is typical of couples victimized by overt and hidden forces that have wreaked havoc on the couple system. The identification of these saboteurs of love is the theme of this section.

CHAPTER 1

Couples in Conflict

For intimates residing in the conflict zone, one major factor can make a difference between wreckage and resolution—attitude!

AS THE GLOW OF ROMANCE BEGINS TO DIM, THE TRUE nature of the character traits, expressive abilities and conflict resolution style of each partner becomes increasingly apparent. Previously ignored potential issues and incompatibilities are now exposed, signaling the onset of the discovery phase. At this juncture, couples begin their struggle to learn how to identify and negotiate important issues that impinge upon their day-to-day interaction. There is work to be done that will either strengthen or shatter the stability of the relationship bond. When the two individuals involved are not equally up to the task, the management of their differences and incompatibilities are magnified, placing their very existence as a couple at risk. Variations of conflict are summarized in Table 1.1.

Table 1.1 Common conflict scenarios

Discussion

Variations of blaming and competing are among the most distancing maneuvers employed by couples in their private lives and at the beginning of the counseling process. As a client quite aptly expressed, Blaming is like sitting on a rocking chair—constant movement and energy to go nowhere. In spite of the obvious senselessness of the blame, win–lose mentality, the need to find fault in the other or to win an argument is commonplace. Worse, when blaming extends to shaming or humiliation, the victim becomes inhibited, resentful and isolated. The substitution of the win-lose mentality for a Mutual Learning Mindset, (MLM), is an option few couples realize they have at their disposal, especially when