Not Your Average Joe

By Rodney Blackmon

Joe Valentine is a down-on-his-luck environmental service worker who robs a bank and is quickly captured. During his arrest, he reflects on the bad mistakes he made in his life and how he got to the point of robbing a bank. From getting a divorce to losing a child to getting stuck in a tree by a dog and knocking over a casket with a body in it, Not Your Average Joe is both heart touching and hilarious.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 29, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984574978

Rodney Blackmon

Raised by two beautiful parents and the youngest of nine. Rodney Blackmon always believed in faith and family. Growing up in the inner city, he knew he always had to try to better himself. Visiting the library and reading was everything to him. He believes the more you learn the more you know. His father always told him to learn all he can, even if he thinks he didn’t need it. Because some day you might. Knowledgeable in a number of fields from locksmithing, computer repair, software development, electronics, a little magic and tap dancing. Rodney Blackmon is proud of what he has become.

Book preview

Chapter 1

At three o’clock in the afternoon on the last day of March 2008 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, six-foot-tall, two-hundred-eighty-pound Joe Valentine quickly walked out of the National City Bank on Thirty-Fifth and Cold Spring Avenue. He had long light brown hair and a thick, long beard, and he wore a bright orange hunter’s coat.

He quickly walked up Cold Spring Avenue. When he got to Thirty-Sixth, he heard a light pop from his left coat pocket. The dye pack on the money he’d taken from the bank broke. Joe yelled, Shit, and continued walking quickly.

Suddenly, blue smoke came from his left coat pocket. Joe zipped the pocket, thinking it would keep the smoke in. Suddenly, there was another light pop. This time it came from the right pocket of his coat. As the blue smoke started to come out, Joe quickly zipped that pocket and continued down the street.

When he got to Loomis Road, he crossed the street. An old couple waiting for the bus watched as Joe passed them. The old woman shouted, Young man, do you know your pockets are smoking?

Joe continued walking. He turned his head toward the couple and, with a big smile on his face, replied, Yeah, I know.

The old man grabbed his wife’s hand and said, That fool just robbed a bank.

The old man’s wife looked at him. No. You’re judging people again!

Suddenly, an FBI agent came from around the side of a convenience store. He pointed his gun at Joe, shouting, Freeze!

It was former detective Freeman, now an FBI agent. Joe stopped in his tracks and put his hands up. Police and FBI cars quickly surrounded him. The officers and agents all got out of their cars with their guns pointed at Joe. Two officers with barking dogs approached Joe slowly.

Agent Freeman shouted, You again. Get your dumb ass on the ground!

Joe smiled at the agent as he dropped to his knees, his hands still up and the pockets of his bright orange coat still smoking. Joe looked up at Agent Freeman as a police officer approached him from behind to handcuff him.

Agent Freeman looked down at Joe. So you think this is funny? You’re going to do some hard time for this stunt. You can kiss your ass goodbye!

Joe stopped smiling as the officer finished putting the handcuffs on him. As he pulled Joe to his feet, the pockets of his bright orange coat stopped smoking.

Another officer patted him down. He opened Joe’s coat and saw a gun sticking out of his pants. As he pulled it from Joe’s pants, he shouted, Gun!

But when the officer looked closer at the gun, he laughed. Another officer looked at the gun. It’s a damn pellet gun!

Freeman grabbed Joe’s coat from behind and led him to a police car. What the hell’s wrong with you? We could have shot you! And over a damn pellet gun. You’re walking down a busy street in this bright orange coat you can see a mile away, and you’re giving us smoke signals. This is the dumbest crime I have ever seen.

As Freeman continued walking Joe to the police car, the old couple at the bus stop looked at Joe and shook their heads in disappointment. The old woman said, I guess he did rob a bank.

When the old man turned to see if the bus was coming, he mumbled, Dumb ass.

Joe stumbled as he and the FBI agent approached the car. FBI agent Freeman caught him and pulled him back to his feet. Come on, get it together.

As the FBI agent put Joe in the police car, Joe started thinking about his life and the many people who had told him to get it together. When the FBI agent slammed the car door, Joe looked out the window and across the street into an empty field.

He thought about the first time he’d heard someone tell him to get it together. It was a Saturday afternoon in October 1985. He was ten years old and going to his aunt Lisa’s funeral. He had on a black suit and a white dress shirt. It was his first time wearing a suit, and he thought he looked good.

He was sitting on the living room sofa, watching cartoons, when his mother yelled from upstairs, Joe, are you dressed?

Yeah, I’m dressed.

Then his mother yelled, I’m still getting dressed, so go in the kitchen and put the Jell-O I just made in the fridge.

Joe got up and walked into the kitchen. He picked the Jell-O up from the kitchen table, opened the fridge, and set the dish on the second shelf. He was about to close the fridge, but his eyes widened when he saw the large bowl of potato salad on the first shelf, which was to be served at the repast after the funeral. He thought there were at least three gallons of potato salad there, and no one would miss a spoonful or two. He looked around the kitchen and then glanced into the living room to make sure no one was around. He opened the sink drawer and pulled out a big spoon. Joe took the plastic wrap off the potato salad and put a spoonful of it into his mouth. Then he took another spoonful and started eating. When he heard someone coming downstairs, he quickly covered the potato salad with the plastic wrap and closed the refrigerator door. He stood by the refrigerator, holding the spoon behind his back.

Jackie, his nine-year-old sister, walked in the kitchen wearing a pink bathrobe. She stopped in the doorway and gave Joe a weird look. Jackie took a deep breath and asked, What the hell are you up to now?

Joe gave her a big smile. Nothing. As his sister walked around the kitchen table and to the sink, Joe kept turning toward her so she could not see the large spoon behind his back. His sister opened the door under the sink and pulled out a steam iron.

As Jackie closed the door, she looked at him. I’m not getting involved, because every time I do, I end up getting in trouble with you. She turned and walked around the kitchen table, stopping in the doorway. And without turning toward Joe, she said, By the way, you have potato salad around your mouth, as well as on the floor.

Joe smiled. Thanks, he said. Jackie walked out of the kitchen and went back upstairs. He opened the fridge and pulled the plastic wrap off the potato salad again. He saw the big area where he’d dug in with the spoon. He thought it looked uneven and was worried that his mother would notice, so he decided he’d better even it out.

Five minutes later, he heard his mother coming downstairs, asking his sister if she was ready. Joe quickly covered the potato salad, closed the refrigerator door, and threw the spoon in the sink. He quickly grabbed a paper towel, wiped his mouth, and threw it in the trash as he walked out of the kitchen.

Their mother, wearing a black dress, stood by the front door. Come on, guys. I have to get to the funeral home early to talk to the funeral director.

As Joe walked out of the living room, his sister, also in a black dress, came downstairs. Their mother looked them over and remarked, You both look good. Then she looked at Joe’s shoes. What the hell is that on your feet?

Jackie looked at Joe’s shoes and laughed. Their mother yelled, Come on, Joe, get it together! Take those dirty tennis shoes off, and put on those dress shoes I got for you.

But those shoes hurt my feet, complained Joe.

Their mother grabbed Joe by the arm and led him to the stairs. You’re going to be hurt somewhere else if you don’t go upstairs and change your shoes!

Joe ran upstairs and to his room. A few minutes later, he came back down with the dress shoes on.

Their mother looked at him. There, now you look normal.

They all walked out the front door. As their mother locked the front door, Joe and Jackie walked toward their car, a 1976 AMC Pacer. It was brown with yellow trim. It looked like an egg on wheels with its huge back window. Joe got in the back seat, and his sister sat in the front.

Once their mother got in the car, Joe asked, Mom, did you let Dad know about the funeral?

I tried, but he moved again to keep from paying child support.

Their mother started the car and backed out of the driveway. As she was pulling off, Joe noticed Mr. Radcliff, who lived across the street from them. He had on blue overalls and was trimming the hedges on his front lawn. Mr. Radcliff looked at their car as it passed. Joe waved at him from the back seat. Mr. Radcliff gave Joe a mean look and made a fist. He shook his fist at Joe as he mumbled, I know that asshole has been climbing my pear tree! Being upset, he continued trimming his hedges and took a big gash out of them. But I’ll catch that son of a bitch one day.

As their mother drove, Joe waved at every kid and adult neighbor he saw. They all gave him dirty looks and shook their fists at him or put up their middle fingers.

When their mother got to the corner and turned, she said, Now, Joe, I want you to be on your best behavior.

Yes, Mom, replied Joe.

Like that’s ever going to happen! replied Jackie.

Joe looked at Jackie, yelling, Shut up! I’m good sometimes!

Jackie looked at their mother, then out the front window, saying, Sure you are. Like at your friend Charlie’s birthday party last month.

Joe made a fist and hit the back of his sister’s seat, yelling, I thought that was a cartoon!

Jackie started laughing, saying, Yeah, right! Everyone was outside playing games while you were in Charlie’s house going through their things and stumbled on Charlie’s father porn tapes.

Joe yelled, "It said Riding Hood!"

Jackie continued, saying, Everyone came in for ice cream and cake, and there was Joe sitting on the living room floor watching porn.

Joe’s mother looked at Jackie, saying, Are you kidding me?

Jackie continued, saying, Charlie’s grandmother fainted, while his father yelled, ‘You little asshole!’ He almost broke his neck tripping over the coffee table, trying to get to you. Charlie’s mother tripped and broke her arm trying to get to the video player to turn it off.

Jackie turned, looked at Joe in the back seat, and added, You are a real piece of work!

Joe yelled, Shut up. I thought it was cartoons!

Then why didn’t you turn it off right away? asked Jackie.

Joe sat back in his seat with a big smile on his face.

Joe’s mother yelled, All right, you two, that’s enough!

As Jackie turned and sat in her seat, their mother said, Joe, just please stay out of trouble.

I will, replied Joe.

Soon they were at the funeral home. As they walked in, the funeral director greeted them at the front door. He escorted them through the funeral parlor and to the room they would be using. They walked up to the casket that Joe’s aunt Lisa was in.

While they all looked at the body, Joe’s mother started crying, saying, My poor sister.

Jackie hugged their mother as the funeral director asked them to come to his office in the back so they could talk. While the funeral director, Joe’s mother, and Joe’s sister walked through a door toward the back of the funeral home, Joe sat in a chair in the front row looking at his aunt Lisa in the casket. Soon he heard footsteps behind him. When he turned, he saw his aunt Rachel and his ten-year-old cousin Tanya walking toward him.

As they walked up to Joe, his aunt asked, Where is your mother?

In the back, replied Joe as he pointed to the door that his mother and sister had gone through a few minutes ago.

After his aunt Rachel walked toward the door and through it, his cousin Tanya sat next to him.

Tanya looked at the casket with her aunt Lisa in it for a few seconds, then she looked at Joe, asking, Are you all right?

Joe looked at Tanya, saying, Yeah, I’m fine.

Tanya touched Joe on the arm, saying, Good, because tag, you’re it!

Then she got up and ran behind the casket. Joe quickly jumped up and started chasing her around the casket. After running around the casket two times, Joe was close to catching his cousin behind the casket. He was about to tag her as she turned the corner of the casket at the head, but Joe bumped the casket hard and the casket started tipping forward. Tanya jumped back out of the way and to the side as Joe grabbed one of the handles of the casket to try to keep it from tipping over.

As Joe struggled to try to pull the casket back up on the stand, he looked at Tanya and shouted, Come help me!

Tanya looked at Joe for a second, then she ran past him and through the door, toward the back of the funeral home.

Joe yelled, Damn you, Tanya! as the handle of the casket started slipping through his fingers.

Tanya made it to the back room, where her mother and Joe’s mother were talking to the funeral director. She quietly sat in one of the chairs by the door. She looked at Joe’s sister and smiled as the funeral director continued talking. Joe’s sister looked at Tanya and shook her head in disappointment because Tanya always showed up quietly and with a smile on her face when something was about to go wrong.

Joe was still trying to pull the casket back up but could not hold it any longer. He finally let go and stood back as the casket started to fall to the floor. The casket hit the floor, the bottom half of the casket door opened, and his aunt Lisa’s body rolled out and toward him. The casket rolled forward and into the first two rows of seats. Once the casket stopped rolling, Joe heard a crowd of people come in the front door. He grabbed the underarms of his aunt Lisa’s body and started pulling it toward a partition to try to hide it.

Suddenly, he heard his grandfather Joe’s voice yell, What the hell did you do now?

Joe looked up and saw his family members standing at the front of the funeral parlor, with his grandmother and grandfather in front.

His grandmother fainted as his grandfather held up his cane and yelled, You little bastard, I’m going to beat the shit out of you!

Joe dropped the body and ran behind the partition to hide. While his grandfather was making his way through the chairs toward Joe, Joe’s mother, sister, aunt Rachel, and cousin Tanya, along with the funeral director, came running through the back door.

Joe’s mother saw her sister’s body and casket on the floor and yelled, Joseph!

Joe’s grandfather continued making his way through the chairs, swinging his cane and yelling, I’ll get the little bastard!

Joe’s mother yelled, Dad, stop!

Joe’s grandfather stopped in his tracks.

Joe’s mother walked up to the partition, pulled it back, and grabbed Joe’s arm, asking, What the hell happened here?

Joe looked up at his mother, saying, Tanya and I were playing, and we knocked over the casket.

Tanya’s mother yelled, Oh no, don’t you dare bring my daughter into this one! She was back there with us when we heard the crash.

Joe looked at Tanya. She looked back at him and shrugged her shoulders with a smile.

Joe shouted, But she was up here playing with me!

Joe’s mother shouted, That’s enough! She was back there with us. It’s bad enough you made this mess, but now you’re trying to get your cousin in trouble too!

While the men put the casket back on the stand and the body back in it, Joe’s mother grabbed a chair and put it in the corner behind the casket. She sat Joe in the chair and told him to stay there for the rest of the wake.

Joe sat in the chair throughout the wake. As people stepped up to view the body, they either gave Joe a dirty look or gave him the middle finger as they walked by him. After the family left the funeral home, Joe’s grandfather walked up to Joe’s mother.

Joe’s grandfather looked at him and gave him a dirty look, then he looked at Joe’s mother, saying, I told you to let me send that boy to military school, somewhere that will set him right!

Joe’s mother looked at her son, shaking her head in disappointment. She said, Dad, he’s not going to military school.

Joe smiled as he looked up at his grandfather.

His grandfather looked down at Joe and saw him smiling at him. He raised his cane at Joe and, with an angry look on his face, said, You think this is funny, you little shit? You’re lucky you’re living with your mom, or I’d have your ass on a leash twenty-four hours a day.

Joe lowered his head as his mother told him to go to the car with his sister. Joe walked up to her as she pulled the car keys from her purse. He held out his hand to get the keys.

His mother looked at him, saying, I don’t think so! She gave the keys to his younger sister.

Joe and his sister walked out to the car.

As they got in, his sister said, Tanya got you again.

Why didn’t you say anything? asked Joe.

Right, so they can blame me for taking your side, replied his sister.

Joe sat back in his seat, saying, But I was right about her playing with me.

Joe’s sister turned around in the front seat to look at him and said, I have learned to keep my mouth shut when it comes to you. Because even when you’re right, all they see is wrong.

Joe continued looking out the window. After a few minutes, their mother came to the car.

As she got in, Joe said, Mom, Tanya was playing with me.

Whatever, Joe! I don’t want to hear it. It’s done and over with, replied his mother.

But Mom, said Joe.

His mother yelled, Joe, just sit there and don’t say a word for the rest of the trip home!

Joe sat back in his seat and looked out of the window as his mother started the car. She put the car in reverse and backed out of the stall.

While she put the car in drive, she looked at Joe’s sister and said, And no wisecracks from you.

Joe’s sister smiled as their mother pulled off.

Soon they were home. A few of the family members were there waiting outside. Joe’s aunt Rachel and his cousin Tanya were there. As Joe climbed the stairs, his aunt Rachel gave him a mean look. Tanya smiled at him as he passed her.

Soon everyone was in the house. While the family members talked, Joe sat on one side of the sofa, and Tanya sat on the other watching cartoons.

After a while, other family members, along with Joe’s grandparents, started showing up. Joe’s mother and his aunt Rachel were in the kitchen getting food ready. As Joe’s mother was cutting the ham, she asked Rachel to get the potato salad and Jell-O out of the refrigerator. She then asked Rachel to put the whipped cream around the Jell-O. Just as Rachel walked over to the fridge, she slipped on some potato salad and fell on her butt.

When she got up, she said, I’m all right, but what the hell is on your floor?

Joe’s mother walked toward the closet to get a mop as Rachel opened the fridge and pulled out the Jell-O. Then she pulled out the potato salad. She removed the plastic wrap and looked in the bowl. It was half full.

Rachel looked at Joe’s mother, saying, Um, I don’t think you made enough potato salad!

Joe’s mother walked over to Rachel with the mop, saying, What? There’s about three gallons there.

Joe’s mother looked at the potato salad and saw that the bowl was half full. She closed her eyes and yelled, Joseph! in an angry voice.

Joe quickly stood and looked at Tanya, who was looking up at him with a big smile on her face. Joe ran up the stairs and to his room. As his mother stepped into the living room, everyone pointed to the stairs that Joe had just run up. She started walking toward the stairs, but her mother stopped her and guided her back toward the kitchen.

While they walked into the kitchen, her mother said, Now is not the time. Just let the boy stay in his room.

Joe’s mother took a deep breath and then continued getting the food ready. Rachel finished putting the whipped cream around the Jell-O and then put it back in the fridge.

Joe stayed upstairs while everyone was downstairs. After an hour, he was looking out of his window when he heard a knock on his door. He stood, thinking it was his mother, but it was his sister with a plate of food.

Jackie walked over to him with the plate of food, saying, I thought you might be hungry, even though you ate almost all that potato salad.

Joe took the plate of food, saying, Thanks. As his sister was walking toward the door, he asked, Is Mom mad at me?

Oh yeah, and you can thank Grandma for stopping her from coming up here. Maybe she’ll cool down by the time everyone leaves, replied his sister. Then she walked out of the door.

Downstairs, everyone was done eating, and it was time for dessert. Joe’s grandfather was the first in line for Jell-O and cake. He got his dessert and sat on the sofa next to his wife. He ate some cake, then ate some Jell-O. His wife looked at him as he stopped chewing and made a funny face. As his wife asked what was wrong, he spit the Jell-O out onto the floor.

Joe’s grandfather stood, shouting, What the hell kind of Jell-O is this?

Rachel walked over to Joe’s grandfather with a napkin and started cleaning the floor. Joe’s mother walked over to Joe’s grandfather to look at the Jell-O.

Joe’s mother looked closely at the Jell-O, then she said, There’s potato salad in it.

Joe’s grandfather grabbed his wife’s hand and pulled her up from the sofa, saying, We’re getting the hell out of here before that little shit blows us all up or something!

While they were walking out the door, he added, You need to do something about that boy before he causes a real disaster.

A few minutes after the grandparents left, everyone else put their desserts down and said they were leaving as well. Joe’s mother hugged everyone as they left. Rachel was the last one there. Joe’s mother sat on the sofa and sat back, taking a deep breath. Rachel sat next to her, and Tanya sat on the floor, continuing to watch cartoons.

Rachel took Joe’s mother’s hand and started laughing, saying, I thought it was fruit in the Jell-O.

Joe’s mother laughed, saying, It was kind of funny, but Dad has another Joe mess-up story now.

Rachel took a deep breath, saying, What a day.

Joe’s mother shook her head, saying, I don’t know what to do with him. He is always getting into trouble. He used to be good. I don’t know when or how he became so troublesome.

Rachel looked at her sister, saying, I think it happened when he fell in the lake.

Joe’s mother sat up, asking, When did he fall in the lake?

Remember, when he was six? replied Rachel.

Joe’s mother shook her head, saying, I don’t remember that.

Rachel said, When you started dating that guy named Kenny. He took you guys on a picnic down by the lake. There were lily pads in the lake. Joe thought they were lollipops, so he decided to get one and fell in. Kenny jumped in to save him.

Joe’s mother sat back, saying, Oh yeah. After that I didn’t get any calls from Kenny, and he didn’t return any of mine.

Rachel looked at her watch. It was seven o’clock in the evening. She stood, saying, We’re going to go now. Maybe you should seek counseling for Joe again.

Joe’s mother stood, saying, I was thinking about that, but I paid so much last time, and it didn’t do any good.

Rachel walked to the front door with Tanya, saying, Maybe he’ll grow out of it.

As Joe’s mother hugged Rachel, she took a deep breath and said, I hope so.

They said goodbye. Joe’s mother closed the front door behind them. She then headed upstairs. She could hear music coming from the other side of her daughter’s door.

Upon knocking and