Dear Mr. President

By Alanna Kane and Sarah Ooten

A left-leaning wife and mother living in a heavily conservative area tries to make sense of an increasingly divisive political climate by writing hundreds of letters to President Trump during his first year in office.

At times snarky, earnest, desperate, and deeply personal, these letters offer cheerfully relentless advice to a president notorious for not taking the high road.

The author is sure President Trump still has no idea who she is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 21, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532062964

Alanna Kane

Alanna Kane is a wife, mother, veteran 911 dispatcher and yarn addict living in western PA. She also became a Meme in 2017 to a little pixie granddaughter. She has a hard time justifying cruelty, struggles with time management, and just wants everyone to be nice to each other.

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Dear Mr. President

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Alanna Kane

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Dear Mr. President

Copyright © 2018 Alanna Kane.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-5320-6295-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-6296-4 (e)

iUniverse rev. date:  11/20/2018

For Jason…you trim the wick and add the oil to my lamp.

And for Violet…the reason I tend the flame.

INTRODUCTION

It’s taken a long time to get this book into your hands.

The hundreds of letters I wrote to the White House over the span of a year were just the beginning. There were countless hours of research, reading and fact-checking, several months spent typing everything out, and I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had just thinking about it.

When my local news first did a story about the letters, there were a lot of nice comments. There were also a lot of comments about how dumb it was, and how crazy I must be. I guess that’s to be expected, but it stung. Did I really want to take it further by publishing them? I wasn’t sure, so I drug my feet a lot in the process of doing it.

The question I was asked the most was, Why? People felt they were pointless, wouldn’t change anything, and probably weren’t even being read. And they’d be right. I doubt the President ever read a single one. So, I wondered…why did I write them? In the end, it comes down to this: I wrote them because I was sad.

I was sad that someone could act the way Donald Trump does and still be elected President of the United States. I was sad that so many people could look the other way when it came to sexual harassment and assault, physically threatening people, shady business practices, racism, and obvious lying…even more sad to see people actually cheering this behavior on…many of them (self-proclaimed) nice, church-going, red-blooded patriots.

I thought we were better than that.

But I also wrote them because I had hope. In a world where a man like this could become President, anything could happen! He and I could strike up an unlikely friendship and have some good (supervised) talks, right? Maybe we could hash things out over a bottle of wine and a joint, figure out how to find common ground and work together for the good of everyone, not just the rich and lucky. Maybe I could help make things better!

Of course, none of those things happened, either…but I still have hope. Maybe one of you reading this will take the reins and start writing, too? Maybe a thousand of you will. Maybe one of you will decide to get more involved…vote, volunteer for campaigns…hell, run for office. If this book gets enough exposure, President Trump may finally read a letter or two! Who knows?

Today is October 23rd, 2018. The President is planning to exit an arms control treaty with Russia signed by Reagan and Gorbachev. A man was arrested for groping a woman on an airplane while she slept…he told the police he should be allowed to because the President gropes women anytime he feels like it. In an article about Justice Kavanaugh, one commenter said he didn’t believe Blasey-Ford’s testimony because she is too ugly to harass. And another commenter chimed in with all feminists and social justice warriors should be burned at the stake. Burned. At. The. Stake.

Really??!

So, yes…I decided to go ahead and put myself out there, because people like that are, too, and someone has to shine a light into the darkness.

I hope you will, too.

One last thing before you get to the good stuff: I began writing these letters on Inauguration Day, 2017, and wrote for one full year. Each letter was typed out first, then I hand-wrote a copy to send to the White House. There were supposed to be 313 letters total, since I took every Saturday off, but in the process of gathering them all up for this book, I discovered there were a few missing. For example, I missed a few days when my first granddaughter was born, and I was staying with my daughter and the baby in the hospital. The misinformation wasn’t intentional…at the time the news reported the story, I wasn’t sure I wanted to publish anything, and hadn’t gone through all the materials yet. In an effort to make up for the ones that are missing, I’ve included a Mad-Lib style, write-your-own letter to the White House bonus section in the back of the book. Have fun! Fill it out, and send it to:

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW

Washington, DC 20500

There are a handful of letters in which some content had to be omitted. I’d written about my own personal sexual harassment experiences, and although I’d left out names and places, it was still deemed too specific, and could have been libelous if anyone wanted to say I was talking about them. Instead of leaving anything out completely or using a pen name, I let you know exactly where I had to omit something, and why. I think you’ll still get the picture.

January 19th, 2017

No. 1

Dear Mr. Trump,

I didn’t vote for you…let’s just get that out of the way first. In fact, the whole election made me want to puke. I’ve never seen such a sorry bunch of clowns in my life. (Ok, wait…that’s not really the way I want to start this out. Let me try again.)

So, wow! You’re the President! Congratulations! I wish I could say I’m happy about it, but…you know. I’m not. (See…that’s not right, either. By the way, I promise I’m not crazy.)

How about this? I wasn’t happy with the choices we had during the election, and I wasn’t happy with the results. But…you ARE the President now, and I’m determined to make the best of it. I was so depressed at first. I felt like a kid who just found out Santa isn’t real, only what I found out is the world is full of assholes…literally, just filled to the brim with assholes who would vote for someone like you. For the longest time, I believed the assholes were outnumbered by good and decent people. Lol! I’m a lot less naïve now.

Anyway, I didn’t really know what to do. While you were celebrating your victory on Election Night, my husband and I were sitting in Eat-N-Park at 4am, sadly contemplating our soggy pancakes and bacon while the waitress vacuumed the floor around us trying not to cry. She wasn’t a fan of yours, either.

Also, I was drunk. I came home from work at 3am (my husband was waiting up for me) and headed straight for the vodka. Three shots and one large mixed drink later, we decided to get some breakfast, since neither of us could sleep. I’m sure you were having a much better time than we were.

After thinking about it a couple days, I came up with these thoughts:

1. I don’t know you. Maybe you’re NOT a complete ball of blustery bullshit shaped (sort of) like a man.

2. Maybe everyone really DID take all the horrible things you said completely out of context.

3. We need to get to know each other better.

So, here’s the deal. I’m going to write you letters…LOTS of letters. A letter every day for your first year in office. Please don’t worry. I’m not here to cause a problem. I just want to get to know you better, and for you to get to know me. Maybe we can find something in each other to relate to…then you can stop being so crazy, and I can stop being so sad.

Until Tomorrow,

Alanna

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The letters that started it all. I tried to use the same brown paper envelopes throughout the year so they would be easily recognizable to the hard-working mail room staff.

January 20th, 2017

No. 2

Dear President Trump,

So, let’s talk about me for a minute, ‘k?

I am a woman.

I don’t like my pussy grabbed.

I am definitely not a 10 by your standards. My boobs are too small.

Still here?

I raised three daughters as a single mom. It wasn’t by choice, though.

[I had to omit the story about how I became a single mom here. It’s a pretty universal story with a funny twist at the end. I suppose you can use your imagination. ☹]

I’ve been a 911 dispatcher for 15 years, but it took last year’s election to completely lose my faith in humanity. How about that?!

My middle daughter is a cancer survivor at 23 years old. My oldest has Marfan’s Syndrome…maybe your doctor can tell you all about it, since he knows enough about medical things to proclaim you the healthiest presidential candidate EVAH. By the way, you know who else had Marfan’s? King Tut, that’s who!

My youngest daughter has severe asthma (thankfully, under control now) and multiple environmental allergies. We got to ride in a helicopter TWICE for life-threatening asthma attacks. Wheee!! As if that weren’t enough, she was also diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardic syndrome) a couple years ago when she started passing out all the time. She’s 20 years old and has been on beta blockers since she was 18.

I sure wish my girls were as healthy as YOU! Then they wouldn’t have to worry about how you’re repealing the Affordable Care Act, which makes sure they can’t be denied health insurance because of their preexisting conditions.

My husband is AWESOME. He likes to laugh and play video games. He just published a book called Deep Sky Objects. He’s a musician, too! He can play lots of instruments and has painstakingly recorded a couple albums’ worth of music, track by track, all by himself. Can you tell I’m really proud of him?

He would never yell at me for not having dinner on the table when he gets home from work. Remember when you said you go through the roof when that happens? Maybe that was taken out of context, though, because only a real spoiled brat would do that.

We have a puppy named Marco. Haha…bring back memories of the campaign trail?! Our Marco isn’t so little, though. We got him from a rescue shelter in Ohio, and we aren’t sure what kind of dog he is. We like the idea of helping creatures who are less fortunate than we are. I’d ask if you like to do that, too, but I think I already know the answer to that one.

Our Marco can sit, lay down, roll over, speak and shake hands when you say, pleased to meet you. I’m sure the other one can, too, but you didn’t seem impressed.

We do not have a solid gold toilet.

Can we still be friends?

Until Tomorrow,

Alanna

January 22nd, 2017

No. 3

Dear President Trump,

How about that Women’s March?!

Here’s a couple thoughts on that:

1. I’m sad you missed such a great opportunity to respond presidentially. May I gently point out that as someone wanting to unify the country, you could’ve tried listening to what these women had to say? After all, you LOVE women, right? NO ONE respects women more than you…right? A simple I hear you would’ve been such a classy response. It wouldn’t have been an agreement, just an acknowledgment that you’re listening.

2. I’m not sure, but the response you did tweet out seemed to imply that either these women didn’t vote, or they were in the minority regarding their feelings. Surely you must know they voted…just not for you. And surely you must know you DID lose the popular vote, and by something close to 3 million? The people who support you are loud, I’ll give you that. Maybe that loudness translates as numbers for you? But your supporters are in the minority. That’s just reality.

3. I think it’s so cool that there were all these people from all over the world who came together for something they believe in, and not one of them was arrested for any kind of violent act. I read a lot of articles today but could only find one mention of an arrest. That was for one of your supporters who pepper-sprayed a protester in St. Paul, just because.

4. Don’t worry if you think you’re alone in your disdain for what these protesters were trying to say. You’re not! I read lots of comments from your supporters about the march. They said things like, Get back to making sammiches! and Get over it, snowflakes! If there was ever a justification needed for this protest, you can find it easily in comments like these.

5. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and be honest for a second: your constant tweeting is ridiculous. It’s like when your grandma makes a Facebook profile and starts liking all your posts and pictures from five years ago…embarrassing! Or, to borrow one of your favorite responses, SAD. Please…just stop.

Until Tomorrow!

Alanna

January 23rd, 2017

No. 4

Dear Mr. President,

Today’s topic: lying. ☹

I was reading some articles about your girl Kelly Ann’s interview Sunday, and apparently there was some confusion as to how well-attended your inauguration was. Most news outlets reported kind of an underwhelming turnout, but Spicer said in his press conference that it was the hugest crowd ever! When Kelly Ann was asked about the discrepancy, she said Spicer wasn’t lying…he was giving alternate facts.

Ok, c’mon now. For real?

Reasonable people call those lies.

I know you haven’t asked me for any advice (and God knows you probably never, ever will), but here’s some anyway: when you tell a lie, it’s best not to go overboard. Saying you had the biggest turnout in the history of presidential inaugurations is what most of us call overkill. Perhaps he could have said, We think the media may not be reporting this correctly. Here is our estimate of how many people attended. This is based on blah, blah, blah (where you give actual reasons for your statements).

See how much better that sounds? How much more believable?

I’ve noticed you and your team do that a lot. It’s not just that you’re respectful to women; NO ONE is more respectful than you are. You couldn’t just say you were a healthy presidential candidate…you had to say you were the healthiest presidential candidate EVER. See what I’m getting at? Only the most gullible people actually believe that stuff, but then again, that’s who you’ve been targeting throughout this whole ordeal.

I think it’s time to extend your reach and start including the rest of us when you speak. It’s time to stop thinking of yourself as perfect…you’re not. And that’s okay! You’d be surprised how much more real support you’d have if you stopped insisting on your superiority. And it’s time to stop with the alternate facts bullshit. They’re lies, plain and simple…and we’ve had enough of them.

Until Tomorrow,

Alanna

January 24th, 2017

No. 5

Dear President Trump,

I was hoping to write something lighthearted and friendly today, I really was. Instead, you made me sad, signing papers to resume construction on the Dakota Pipeline.

How much do you really know about that project? I’m just curious because you signed it so fast! It’s almost like you couldn’t WAIT to do it. I’m no expert, but I’ve been following the story since the protests started. For instance, I know you were a stockholder in a couple of the companies involved, but I believe you may have sold off the stocks recently? I can’t seem to find a straight answer on that…and since we’re just starting to get to know each other, I’m not sure I’d believe you if you said you did. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but that kind of trust hasn’t been established yet, you know?

(cough, cough…tax returns?)

I won’t bore you with my tree-hugger feelings about the issue, but I will say this: technically, the pipeline may not be on reservation land, but it IS less than a mile away…and if something goes wrong, it’s the Sioux water supply that will suffer. No one in the surrounding areas wanted it going through their land, either, which is how it ended up where it did. Not in MY back yard, right?

Then there’s the issue with the burial grounds; something like 100 anthropologists signed a petition about that.

I know the project will create some jobs, but I’m sure you realize they