On Having Power: the Source of Power: Understanding and Overcoming Control, Influence and Seduction

By R. Leslie Smith JD LLM

There is no such thing as powerless.

Life is not lived minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
Life is lived Choice by Choice.

Take back Choice.

On Having Power is about exposing the illusory nature of control, influence and seduction.

Learn how to recognize a power dynamic when it is upon you.

Understand how your personal needs combine with others abilities to create feelings of fear, anger and excitement which control, influence and seduce your choices.

Create a new balance between the power others use on you and the power you didnt know you had.

Take back choice and freedom through new opportunities for collaboration and compassion.

Change your power-based relationships at home, at work and in society.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: May 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781504391153

R. Leslie Smith JD LLM

With over 30 years spent in courtrooms, boardrooms and classrooms, Les Smith uses his teaching, training and writing to shatter the myths of power and reveal the simple methods of overcoming control, influence and seduction. He seeks to change the way we see power and take back the ability to thrive through freedom of choice.

Book preview

ON HAVING POWER

THE SOURCE OF POWER

Understanding and Overcoming Control, Influence and Seduction

R. LESLIE SMITH J.D. LL.M.

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Copyright © 2008 R. Leslie Smith J.D. LL.M

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-6852-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-9115-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017918531

Balboa Press rev. date: 04/30/2018

~

This work is dedicated to all of the Lucy’s in my life,

My students – past, present and future.

Do not accept this world as it is being handed to you.

Engage it and shape it.

You are never powerless.

I believe in you.

TABLE of CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Introduction

part one: the feelings

a letter from lucy

the experience of power

the seven questions & answers

part two: the insights

Qi:      Where do i start?

Qii:     What is the source of power?

Qiii:    What is dynamic of power?

part three: the method

Qiv:    What is my need?

Qv:     Why are they using power?

Qvi:    What are my choices?

Qvii:   Where do we go from here?

About the Author

Acknowledgements

To chose to write a book is easy. Writing it however, is the work of many.

First I want to thank those that inspired me to learn by study. I say thank you to my earliest power teachers, Professors Robert Brym, Irving Zeitlin and Gregory Baum from the University of Toronto and Professors Andrew Petter, Patrick Monahan and Bill Angus then of Osgoode Hall Law School. You have no idea what you started so many years ago.

In the spirit of Sir Isaac Newton’s humility – If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. – I need to thank those hundreds of geniuses who have thought and written about power and who have created the platform upon which I could consider the idea from a higher place. I don’t know these people personally. I just wish I did. Without any meaning in the order I thank all these people: Sir Isaac Newton, Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu, Lieh Tzu (and their capable translators) Thomas Hobbes, Jean Jacques Rousseau, Karl Marx, Max Weber, Plato, Aristotle, the Roman historians, Friedrich Nietzsche, John Kenneth Galbraith, Machiavelli, Gandhi, Krishnamurti, Michel Foucault, all of the contributors to the development of Game Theory, Adam Smith, John Stuart Mill, Abraham Maslow and so many more thinkers who have left the invaluable legacy of their work. More recently to those who might find out that I thank them, Steven Lukes, Robert Greene, Naomi Wolf, Alvin Toffler, Noam Chomsky, Robert Cialdini, Judith Viorst, John Maxwell, Steven Covey, the Dali Lama, Eckhart Tolle, David Hawkins, Dan Millman, Keith Dowding, Peter Bachrach and Morton Baratz, Robert Dahl and Robert Thurman. Of course there are so many more that have influenced my thoughts. Thank you too.

To those who helped me learn by practice I thank my friends at Blaney, McMurtry, the Department of Justice, my friend William E. Naylor and the world of Bay Street.

They say that one should treat their critics as their most benevolent teachers. I accept that and offer my appreciation accordingly. If not for those who have used and abused me with their power I would not have come to understand what I have. So for those of you who have used power on me and against me – thank you.

For those who have encouraged and inspired me to write this book – thinker and writer Dr. Domenic Spano, lawyer and writer extraordinaire Rocco Galati, economics Professor, thinker and friend Russell Turner, economist and fellow power teacher Dr. Tom Phillips and finally my brother Albert Mastromartino. I thank you for reading, critiquing, discussing, suggesting and encouraging.

I want to thank those that helped me get the job done. Thank you to Paul and Jess at Wimpy’s Diner in Peterborough and the folks at The Olympia Restaurant in Bowmanville. You didn’t know it, but while I loitered in your establishments and you kept pouring the coffee, I wrote this. I should have paid rent.

Thank you to my typists, spell checkers and grammar fixers. First was my wonderful sister Kim McVeigh. Then came the hard work and commitment of Tammy Traynor. Charlotte Morgan and Laura McGuire were there to help me finish. Thank you for your diligence in an otherwise tedious task.

To my friends and colleagues at Fleming College, thank you for the chance to create and teach The Power Course. It has been a dream-come-true.

To my family who patiently allowed Dad to disappear for extended periods of time to get this thing done, thank you. Here it is finally. I hope you will understand.

To my many Lucy’s (and a few very special ones) – the students of power and business at Fleming College – you are the reason I did this. You have so much more power over me than you know. They say a great student combines an open heart/mind with a healthy skepticism. Thank you for both. Thank you for your questions and challenges. Thank you for your honest essays and your willing participation. Working with you has been the happiest time of my career.

Introduction

This book can be described in a number of ways.

Some might say this is a self help business book designed for people who are frustrated with, or curious about, the concept and practice of power between people in the workplace and at home. It will appeal to leaders and followers, Actors and Subjects, in any private or public sector work environment. Young business people need to understand this process to survive it. Business leaders need to understand this process so they do not abuse it. So in these pages I offer an explanation of what power is, how power works and how you can overcome it to have your own true power.

Some might say this is a disguised normative theory of power with a revised taxonomy offered within the context of the modern free market work environment. It will appeal to young thinkers and activists who are interested in having influence and sway. In these pages I attempt to explain how power works and why it works when it works and fails when it fails.

Some might say it is a disguised new age relationship book for people who want to understand the human condition and rise above it. It will appeal to those who are seeking an intellectual but practical step along the road to understanding who and what they are. In these pages I have offered the simple explanation I have discovered as to why we pursue power.

To me however, though all of the above are true, this book is my attempt to address the question that has plagued me all of my life: Is Power a good thing or a bad thing?

To answer this question I have had to live and explore all practical aspects of human life. These include business, finance, law, religion, politics, love, marriage, divorce and parenting. As a lawyer, business man and business professor I have found these to be fruitful grounds of exploration. As a son, husband, father, friend and lover I was surprised at how much I can learn from these aspects of my life.

I have also spent a great deal of time as a student (both early in my life and more recently) reading, writing, studying and considering the social-political-economic theorists and the fields of sociology, psychology, political science, economics, business and leadership theory. Their numerous approaches and explanations have both satisfied and begged many of my questions. Their deep thoughts can be found in these pages.

Because knowledge and experience are not such safe and sterile things I have had to consider what all this means to me. As a result I have spent time in spiritual exploration, pursuits and practices. I have chased the question with both fervor and detachment. I have tried to understand the human condition and find peace and happiness within it. I have read, meditated and prayed about all these things.

Because all these approaches offered me so much, they can all be found within this book. They all answer the question.

Is power a good thing or a bad thing?

The question is inescapable. Power is everywhere. It is in every relationship. It forms the basis and structure of our social life. It is a constant pursuit of all of us. Every aspect of our lives is used for it. We morph almost everything we do into some form of it. Money, sex, information, talent – the line between power and the things we use for power has almost disappeared. Everything is about power – the power of this and the power of that. At last count there are over 50,000 books on the shelves of Barnes and Noble with the word Power in the title.

We desire power and despise power. We mistrust those with it, though we like to have them close. We hate those who abuse it but we want to use it on them.

Parents use it on their children. Spouses use it on each other. Teachers use it in the classroom. Priests, ministers and rabbis of every possible religious faith use it on their followers. Business uses it on customers. Media uses it on citizens. Managers use it on employees. People use it on government just as much as government uses it on people. Person against person, nation against nation, we are all using some experience of power as a means to compel choice.

It has become the most pursued of human ambitions. It has become the modern medium of human interaction. It has become the most inhuman of human traits.

Everybody is using it on each other.

Is power a good thing or a bad thing?

It is hard to get a straight answer but most will say it depends on what you mean by power. Your answer to the question depends on how you define power.

Some like the scientific definition from the world of physics – It is the measure of the capacity to get work done.

In this context, power sounds like a wonderful thing. But it doesn’t really tell us how power works, only what it accomplishes.

How it works matters, doesn’t it? If we are to have an opinion of its moral value we need to know how it happens.

Some use a traditional definition of power like the timeless definition by seminal sociologist Max Weber – Power is the probability that one actor in a social relationship will carry out his own will against the resistance of others.

In this context power sounds like a manipulative thing. One person against another person with one being victorious. But again how does it happen? What is it used for?

It is hard to make a judgment without more.

Many of us look to the purpose of power to determine its merit or lack of merit. What are they using power for? What are they trying to do with it? This implies a means to an end theory. The end justifies the means. Or does it?

Herein I offer a definition which is focused on the process – Power is the application of an ability to help or hinder another person’s needs so as to control, influence or seduce the choice that person might make.

How does that definition make you feel about power?

Is power a good thing or a bad thing?

In the end I cannot tell you if power is good or bad. That is for you to decide. I simply want to tell you what it is and how it works in your life.

So why a business self help book targeted at young business people?

Because in the modern industrialized free market world of today our principle conversation with each other is business.

I love business. It is the thing that has brought so much development and good to people. It is free and open and available for anyone to pursue. It is success based largely on merit and ability. It is a transformative process by which we define and redefine our daily lives.

But more pragmatically, we spend most of our time either producing or consuming. Our daily lives are shaped around the contribution we make to the economy both as a worker and as a consumer. It is how we spend our lives.

We choose our friends, allies and often our life partners within the workplace.

It is the main forum of our lives. We spend more hours there than any other single place. Whether we are in the private or public sector it does not matter because we conduct our work with concepts of efficiency and effectiveness for the purpose of having currency to satisfy our needs.

Business is our modern way of life. So it seemed to me to be the best platform to use. If business is to be our principle conversation I wanted to introduce a discussion of power into that conversation. Let’s see where that leads us.

Why young people?

Because I am with them every day and they are now the most important people to me.

I could say they are the future and hope lies with them. I could say they are the next generation of business people and I want to influence them to make business more responsible and fruitful than it has ever been. I could say they are the ones most subject to power and suffer the most. All of this would be true. But I write to them mostly because as their professor and mentor I have come to love them.

I see their fear and despair every day. Gen Y and Gen Next have become the generations that have lost any passion to impact their world because of the constant barrage of power dynamics in their lives. They see everything as a mass manipulation. No one is trust worthy. Every person is in it for themselves.

Whatever… is their mantra.

So I write to them in a business self help book because their life – the vast majority of it – will be lived out within some career. They will experience most of the power that troubles them within their closest of relationships. And as a result (I know this from their own mouths) they will despair.

They despair because they feel powerless.

They can not afford to be ignorant to power. They need to understand its nature and process. So I teach them a course about power. And I write about power. And I try to talk to them about power.

In that practice I try to understand why people want power. I try to answer the question, is power a good thing or a bad thing?

I have written this book in an attempt to lift the hood on the mechanical process of power and explain how the machine works. In doing so, I hope to level the playing field. I hope to lighten the load on young business people. I hope to offer choice where it appeared to have gone. I hope to prompt leaders to reconsider what they are doing. I hope to expose manipulators. I hope to offer a new path out of world conflict. I hope to change the way people see each other and use each other.

To rise above power first requires the ability to see through power.

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So I offer On Having Power to the young (and young at heart) business and career aspirants. See through the power in the world.

Remember – there is always choice.

Exercise it and exercise it well.

part one:

the feelings

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Dear Les

Some days I really miss the simplicity of my life at college – and this is one of those days.

I hope things are going well there and you are still giving those loud, fun lectures. I still remember your thought for the day. Those little philosophical sayings and stories always made me think. Maybe you have one that can help me now.

I feel exhausted and out of control. The harder I work the worse it gets. I have so many people pushing me and pulling me and wanting things from me. Just when I think I have it all figured out, it blows up again.

My job here at the agency is going well in many ways. However, I feel like it could fall apart at any minute. When the boss and clients are happy with me, it seems the sky’s the limit. Then I make the smallest mistake and there is hell to pay.

My boss is one of those people who needs to control everything. Every detail has to be exactly as she wants or she goes ballistic. Every dot on every i – every cross on every t – everything has to be just so. It’s not just my work that she wants to control. It’s my office, my words, my actions – even my clothes. My days of style and individuality are over.

I wear plain old drab suits. The more I look like her the less she hassles me. She’s a control freak. And when things don’t go her way – watch out! She is not afraid to destroy someone’s career if it will help hers.

When I do things her way I am considered the next wonder child. She tells me how great I am and how much she needs me. She takes me to client meetings, buys my lunch, takes time to teach me and generally treats me well. When I am doing things the way she likes, everything seems great.

The truth is she controls my every action. I am always second-guessing myself because I am not sure what she wants from me. Sometimes I know what would be the right thing to do, but I don’t do it because I have learned that she won’t like it. I know that if I do the wrong thing – even if it’s the right thing – she won’t hesitate to fire me.

The guy who had my job before me was fired for some trivial reason and everyone in the office says I should watch out. Just last month I was late to a client meeting. It took me a week to get her to speak to me again. I spent the whole week like a slave. I busted my butt trying to get back on her good side. Now things are better, but I live afraid that I could make a mistake again and get fired.

You are probably asking – why do I stay? I ask the same question.

I need my job. I have my own place, my new car and I am trying to save up for my wedding. Not to mention my incredible bouncing credit card. Just when I get it paid down, I go shopping. God I love shoes!

If I gave up my job, I would have to give up everything. It’s a good job. It pays well. It’s a good company. It’s interesting work. I have opportunities to move up. And even if I decide to leave, with the experience I am getting here, I could go anywhere else and do well.

I don’t mean to be too hard on her. I know it’s not all her fault. In some ways I feel sorry for her. She is the account director on one of the firm’s premier accounts. This client is by far the most demanding client we have. The pressure is really on her. This client is very important to the agency. They are worth nearly ten percent of our annual revenues. The client has been through two previous account directors and now threatens to pull their work if we don’t start performing.

Nobody seems to know what "performing" means. My boss was told that if she can get us through the year and make the client happy she will be invited to become a partner. I know she really wants that. Who wouldn’t? It’s not just the money either. She would be the first female partner here and that’s a very big deal. She would do anything to become a partner. The thing is she needs me, and my work, to be able to accomplish this. She knows it too.

It sounds harsh, but some days when she does the nasty witch routine, I want to use what I know for a little revenge. One strategic goof in front of the client and she would be ruined. There are days I am tempted to do it.

On the other hand, the Managing Partner told me that if I help her keep this client happy, then I could be sure of big things in my future. BIG THINGS – it makes my head spin when I think about it. I mean, I could be a partner too. Partnership in a big firm would be so sweet!

The Managing Partner is part of the problem though. He’s another control freak. He insists that we show him all our work before it goes to the client. However, when we do, he insists on changing it back to the same old tired ideas. No matter how fantastic our ideas are, he tells us that the client is very conservative and we should try to do things in his proven way. He discourages anything new.

The thing is I know he is wrong. I have talked with the client’s assistant, Bill. Because we are both junior executives, we are relaxed with each other. We have a good rapport. He tells me things that he thinks will help us succeed. He tells me what the client is looking for and hoping for. It’s useful insight for our planning. It often leads to some good ideas.

I know that part of the reason Bill is being so helpful is that he has a crush on me. He wants me to go out with him. Whatever the reason, I am so happy to have the information. I know this sounds kind of sleazy but whenever my boss starts to freak out, I call Bill, have lunch with him, let him flirt with me, and I get the inside scoop. I don’t lead him on. I just let him flirt with me and he starts talking.

I take the info back to my boss, she gives me the super-girl speech and we get back to work.

Anyway, the Managing Partner is wrong. But because my boss wants to be a partner so bad, she listens to him and changes our work. Then the client gets that not-good-enough look on his face and she starts blaming me for going in the wrong direction.

One minute she’s a witch, the next she’s a wimp. If we just stuck to our ideas, we would really make this client happy. She would be a partner and I would get promoted. I know it.

It’s not just the bosses or the clients that have me down. It seems that everybody has some kind of power trip they want to play on me.

Like the copy room guy. He sucks up to Management and ignores me. No matter how important my work is, he does the work for senior exec’s first. My work always gets done last – even if I get it in first! If I lie and tell him it’s for a partner then he will put it at the front of the line.

Our receptionist is the same. So are the security guards. Everyone is on some kind of power trip to make others unhappy. All I want is a little help so we can all succeed, but they do their, I’ll do it when I’m good and ready routine and all I get are hassles.

And if the roller coaster of my career isn’t enough, my fiancé, Scott, is acting crazy. You might remember that he didn’t want me to take this job. He didn’t want me to move to the city and be so far away. Then he got a job here and suddenly everything is OK. Things were going very well so we started to talk about marriage and he freaked out. Then he saw how well my job was going, and the money I was making and he decides we should move in together.

I told him about my conversation with the Managing Partner and the possible promotions. I explained to him that I may have to move to the Chicago office. Two weeks later, he takes me to dinner and gives me a ring. Slow down, speed up, I can’t keep up. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, I really do. And he loves me. I know it. And I do want to marry him. Not yet. But I do. Things are really wonderful between us. His job is going well too. So now we are engaged but have decided that we should wait a while to set a date.

Last week we had an argument about this Bill guy. Scott accused me of flirting with him and using him. We didn’t talk for two days. As soon as we made up Scott wanted to set a date for the wedding. Now he is talking about a European honeymoon! You know how much I have always wanted to see Paris. I just can’t keep up with him.

Then my Mom and Dad start to mess with my head. It was bad enough when they tried to convince me to take the job in town with the newspaper and not move to the city. Now they are saying that they won’t pay for my wedding unless I wait a while. They say I am not ready. I think they are not ready. I just can’t believe them. They were so approving of Scott. Now, it’s like, I should wait and see. I want to make them happy. I also want a nice wedding with all the trimmings. I want everyone to be happy. But I want me to be happy too!

I guess I just feel like my life is spinning around me.

Everybody is trying to get me to do what they want. Everybody wants a piece of me. I have to please everybody and nobody wants to please me! I get no respect for my ideas or my knowledge – all I do is perform well, make people happy, and then get forgotten.

The harder I try the worse it gets. Even when I do the right thing, everything feels out of control. Even when it’s going well, I feel like it is just a matter of time before it explodes. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do. I feel so helpless. Everybody is pushing me or pulling me or trying to point me in some direction. Everything is a great big manipulation. My day is full of power plays. Although my life is filled with everything I ever wanted, I feel like it is all tearing me apart.

I am sorry if I sound like a crybaby. I guess I just didn’t expect all this.

I don’t know what I expected. I thought you, of all people, would understand how I feel. You must have gone through stuff like this, right? I am hoping that you have some advice that will give me perspective on this and help me do the right thing. I know you are busy with classes, but if you could drop me a note, I would really appreciate it. I need some advice.

Say Hi to everyone at the college for me – Gosh I miss those days.

Forever your student,

Lucy

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THE EXPERIENCE OF POWER

"During the time men live without a common power to keep them all in awe, they are in that condition which is called war; and such a war is as of every man against every man…

…No art; no letters, no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short."

Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan (1651) PT 1 CH 13

Dear Lucy

In spite of the obvious despair and frustration you are going through it was wonderful to hear from you. As professors we try to prepare you for your work and yet we never really know what happens when we send you off into the world to pursue that undefined thing we call a career. We’ve done our best to teach you the fundamentals. However we are aware that it takes years of experience before you are ready for what the world has in store for you.

I will start by congratulating you. You have found yourself in the throes of life, experiencing its best and its worst. You have not sat back as a passive observer and let life go by. You