I Belong to You

By A.C. Stratford

Is second-guessing a sign of regret?

In the fourth book of the series, the men face the consequences of their choices and confront more life-changing events. Ryan's decisions have unexpected repercussions. Nate and Mitchell struggle with their feelings for each other. Marc navigates his uncertainty and reconsiders his options. Sergio and Akemi enter new territory after overcoming a crisis. New cities, fresh faces, and different dilemmas. Have they learned from their mistakes?

Read the first books in the series to find out how it all started: When Youre Cold, Too Good Too be True and Golden.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 9, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543459777

A.C. Stratford

A.C. Stratford lives in Oakland, California, teaching community college by day and writing romance novels by night. A.C. also enjoys talking about these boys with friends, sharing yoga with others and traveling to new places. Family is very important and their support is an instrumental part of the process. Goat help keep A.C. company while writing, sometimes make edits to the pages.

Book preview

1

New Canaan, Connecticut Thanksgiving Eve 2010

Watching the landscape through the windows, Ryan stared out at the open space. The hour-long train ride from Manhattan back to Connecticut seemed like forever, and yet was going by too quickly all at the same time. He tried to read, but couldn’t focus. He tried to close his eyes, but his mind was spinning. He put on some music, but couldn’t decide what to listen to. The quiet seemed appropriate, but he didn’t want to think. The last few weeks had brought so many changes and so many decisions were still up in the air. Ending his relationship with Nate was difficult to live with, but he knew he couldn’t stay in a relationship with a man that loved someone else, regardless of what Nate said. He couldn’t go on worrying about what might have happened when he wasn’t around and what would happen if Nate and Mitchell were alone. Now, he was living at his parents’ New York City apartment until he decided what to do. This decision was supposed to be about him anyway. He wanted to focus on his life and his career, make his way alone for a while. There were things he wanted to do, and he wanted to do those things on his own. What those things were exactly, he wasn’t sure. If only there was a simple answer to that question.

Since the original plan was to stay in London for a while, a lot of his things were already packed up back in Maryland. He knew walking into that house would be hard. Saying good-bye to Seth, April and Gordon was going to be worse. Although sad that he wasn’t coming back, April wanted him to know he was loved, so she sent the boxes up to New York. Knowing he wasn’t ready to deal with some of it, April was happy to help him, and made sure he knew he was welcome anytime. There were some things she packed up for him from their room that she thought he’d want. She also separated the mail so he didn’t have to open some of it up right away. A few boxes were left unopened, he couldn’t look at what was inside them right now.

Conflicted about going home, he tried to remember when it had been a place he had felt safe and loved. A little embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened and, more importantly, he was worried about having to get into the whole thing. How to explain what happened in England was something he reviewed over and over again with no answer. Walking off the platform, the cold air was refreshing. Ryan knew his parents would send the car, which would give him some more time before he had to see them. Sure enough, the gray Maserati sedan was waiting for him in the small Talmadge Hill Station parking lot. After fixing his dark blue ivy cap and pulling up the collar of his long, beige wool dress coat, he walked to the car where the driver had the door for him.

Hello Francis, it’s nice to see you. Ryan smiled as he got into the car after handing Francis his bag.

Nice to see you too Mr. Stevens. Welcome home. Francis closed the door after Ryan sat down and then he walked to the trunk to put Ryan’s bag away.

As the trunk closed, Ryan took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Home. Where was home now? It was in Maryland, with Nate, but not anymore. His parent’s Manhattan apartment was where he was staying after leaving London, but that was theirs. What did he have that was his?

Anywhere you’d like to stop before heading to the house Mr. Stevens? Francis had returned to the car and could tell Ryan might not be ready to face everyone. He had known Ryan since he was a little boy, so knew his demeanor and knew what the quiet meant.

Francis? Can you call me Ryan instead? Looking at Francis’ eyes in the rearview mirror, he smiled. And let’s get milkshakes. Francis was Ryan’s confidant in many ways. They spent a lot of time together as Ryan grew up. Francis would be there if something happened at school. He listened when Ryan needed to talk stuff out. He knew more about Ryan than anyone else. Including when Ryan started a relationship with Chad. Ryan could tell him anything, and he did.

Of course. Francis would take Ryan for milkshakes at the Post Road Diner in Norwalk if he had a hard day at school, or if there were things going on in the house that Ryan didn’t need to know about. He was always looking out for Ryan as if he was his own son. Let’s go.

As they drove, Ryan asked Francis about how things were going at the house, how everyone was doing, the weather, anything but his trip. They stopped for shakes and Ryan opened the door for Francis this time. Instead of getting them to go, Ryan decided they should stop and relax for second. May I buy you a shake Francis?

I think your parents are expecting you, maybe we should get them to go?

I’ll text mom and tell her we stopped for a second. I just need a minute before I see everyone. Are grandma and grandpa there yet?

Almost everyone is there already, though your Uncle Bobby and Aunt Bunny have yet to arrive. It was nice of Ryan to buy them shakes. Francis had forgotten how informal Ryan was and he knew better than to get used to it. The rest of the family was not like Ryan when it came to the help.

After the waitress came to take their order, they had a moment without talking about the main story. Once she walked away, they chatted about the family, the house and the holidays as they waited for their shakes. Luckily, they didn’t have to wait long. Somehow the milkshake in his hand made Ryan feel more comfortable sharing the story.

Francis? Can I tell you what happened before I talk to mom? I just have to figure out what to say.

Of course you can. I’m always here for you Mr. Stev….Ryan.

Maybe I can practice what to say with you? Smiling, Ryan wasn’t sure how to tell the story. He started to tell Francis about how Nate and Mitchell were spending lots of time together because of the surgery, then they got a little too close, which was an understatement, but he didn’t know what else to say. Going on with his perspective on what happened, he realized he had to talk about his feelings and how he felt lost in all this. As he started to tear up, Wait. This isn’t supposed to be about Nate and Mitchell. It’s supposed to be about me and what I want. I can’t even tell the story without putting them first.

It’s okay. You tell me what you want to, okay?

Oh Francis. He shook his head. I was feeling like I was putting Nate’s feeling first. I was pretending to be happier than I was because it’s what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t explain to anyone why I wasn’t happy. I had a great job, a great boyfriend, a great house. What was wrong with me that I wasn’t happy? But, then, Nate and Mitchell almost had sex. Nate kept saying, ‘we didn’t’, but he wanted to, and more importantly, I think it was the line, you know? It was the thing that made it okay for me to admit I wasn’t as happy as I was pretending to be. But now, I miss him and I don’t know that I made the right decision. Maybe I overreacted?

May I tell you something?

At this point, Ryan realized, he never asked about Francis’ life. He didn’t even know if Francis was married, or straight or even had a life outside of their house? Was that even his real name? Please do.

Francis’ continued. I have watched you grow up and heard you talk a lot of things out. It seems like this time you really listened to yourself and did what you needed. I don’t think you should be upset with yourself for listening to your inner voice.

Ryan started to cry. Francis was right, this was the right decision, but it wasn’t easy. I think I needed to get these tears out so that they don’t come out in front of my mom.

Do you think your mother would be upset by your crying?

I just don’t want her to get upset too and you know how protective she is of me. It took me so long to convince them that my relationship with Nate wasn’t just a rebound from Chad and all that, I don’t want….I don’t know how to tell them they were wrong about that part and tell them they were kind of right too.

They just want what’s best for you.

Well, what they think is best and what I think is best isn’t always the same. Even if they had a point, I think I needed to learn this lesson on my own.

That is very mature of you. Part of his job was to drive the family around and pretend not to listen to the conversations they had in the car. He overheard enough to have a suggestion about how to deal with Ryan’s parents. He had heard a conversation during which Mrs. Steven’s told her husband that they need to just listen and be supportive of Ryan when he got in today. He had to know he was loved and safe at home with no judgment. May I provide a suggestion?

Sure. Ryan slowly enjoyed his shake, knowing that when he finished, they would head back.

I don’t think you should hide your pain from your parents. I think you should tell them what you are feeling concerning your worries about their opinion. I think they will understand and I’m sure would prefer you be honest with them.

You think so? I guess you are probably right. As he looked at the bottom of his glass, he realized they were both finished and it was time to go. Maybe starting with being open with my parents is a good start to the more confident me. With a smile, Ryan knew that if he was really going to start putting his feelings first, he’d have to do it with everyone, including his family. Should we head back?

When you are ready Mr. Stev…Ryan.

Yeah, let’s go.

As they left, he thought about the deli by the NIH where Nate and he had their first date. Maybe it didn’t work out, but maybe, eventually, they could be friends. He still loved Nate and missed being with him. He missed falling asleep next to him every night and waking up with him every morning. But, he knew it wasn’t going to work out. He knew Nate still loved Mitchell, even if he didn’t want to admit it. Realistically, he needed to figure out a lot more about himself and what he wanted. If they were going to be friends, he’d have to be confident enough to be honest about his feelings and not worry about how Nate would respond. Over the last few days, Marc gave him the impression that he might leave Mitchell. What if that happened? Would that be better or worse?

The drive to the family estate was time to collect his thoughts before seeing the family. The judgmental eyes, the looks of concern and ‘how are you doing?’ comments with a compassionate tone that could be interpreted as pity. Entering through the gates up the drive to the house was a nice reminder of home. Snow on the driveway, the lights on the trees, the whole house was decorated for the holidays and looked like the cover of a magazine. He couldn’t help but think back to the conversation they had about family. He could hear Nate’s voice say, You and Marc have family. People like Mitchell and me, we’re looking for a support system that will be there for us no matter what and you have that with your family. You can call your mom or dad and tell them what’s wrong and they’d listen. He hoped that was true today, he needed his family.

As they pulled around the fountain to the main doors, he looked to see his mother on the steps with a smile. Perfect blonde hair, up in a loose bun. Professionally placed make-up surrounding crystal blue eyes she shared with her beautiful son. A lovely, aubergine shawl wrapped around her shoulders covering her cream-colored blouse and slacks. Her delicate hands holding the edges, keeping warm. His mother that was always there for him. Deep down, he knew that she loved him more than anything. And there she was, standing on the steps of his home. This was home.

Walking over to the car door as soon as Francis stopped the car, she wanted to hug Ryan and tell him how much she loved him. Hi honey. I’m so glad you are home.

Stepping out of the car, he hugged his mother and a tear started to form. His attempts to control his feelings stopped working once his mother’s arms were around him. Thanks Mom. It’s good to be home.

Everyone is out so we can talk before they come back, I thought you’d prefer that to seeing everyone at once. She smiled and kept an arm around him. Thank you, Francis, for picking up our boy.

Of course, Mrs. Stevens. Francis tipped his hat after bringing Ryan’s bag inside the house.

Before Francis could get back into the car, Ryan stopped him to give him a hug. Thank you, Francis.

You’re welcome. Francis gave him a partial hug back with a smile.

Walking into the house, Ryan was greeted by their maid who had also cared for Ryan since he was young. The hug from her helped too. The inside of the house was warm and welcoming, also decorated for the holidays. It reminded Ryan of the Thanksgivings and Christmas’ of his childhood. That led to how this all started, talking to Nate about Christmas presents as a kid. This was harder than he thought it would be.

Would you like to unpack first or….? As his mom turned around to finish the question, she could see that he had started to cry.

Mom? Can we go into the kitchen and have a cup of coffee or something? Tears were already starting to form as he looked around. I think I need to tell you what happened.

How about a glass of wine, even if it’s two in the afternoon? His mother smiled at him as she kept her hand on his back. Or a glass of whiskey if that’s more fitting. What do you think?

Okay Mom. Let’s have a glass of wine, or five. He laughed a little as they moved into the large open kitchen that looked out over the estate. The big, overstuffed, comfortable chairs by the window seemed like the best place for a mother/son chat. Curling up in one of the chairs, Ryan watched his mother pour the glasses of wine and bring them over.

You can tell me what you want Ryan, but you don’t have to. After handing Ryan his glass, she rubbed his knee with a smile.

Oh Mom. I don’t know where to start. I love him so much, but I think I need time and need to figure out what I want to do. On the way here, I thought maybe I made a mistake to leave London, but I couldn’t stay.

What are you worried about?

I’m just worried that he’ll be alone for the holidays or something.

Ryan, may I ask you something? She wasn’t sure that was what he was really worried about.

Please don’t ask me about Mitchell, Mom. I don’t want to get into that part yet.

Okay. She smiled. Maybe she should change the subject. Are you sure you want to continue with your position at the hotel? Maybe that’s not really your childhood dream?

Thank you, Mom. That was part of it. It’s not that I don’t like it or appreciate that you offered it. I just….

You really wanted to be a playwright.

Yeah. But, I don’t know how to do that.

I want to make sure you know you can stay here as long as you need to. If you would want to go to school in New York or something, you can stay at the apartment. If his mother was anything, she was a problem solver. She could handle any crisis and always looked great doing it. It was part of the way she was raised; never let people know you are worried or scared. As the wife of a hotel mogul, she had to make sure everything was presentable all the time and had to make it look easy. All things considered, she was glad that Ryan didn’t handle things the way she did and was more open with his feelings. Or get your own apartment if you prefer.

Oh, maybe. Thank you, Mom.

Maybe that would help you figure out what you want.

As they talked about everything, Ryan started to feel more comfortable about talking to his mom and opened up about Mitchell and Nate. He told her everything from his fears before, to his fears now and the last few days with Marc. Trying to reconcile these feelings was difficult and he really wanted to call Nate, but knew it wasn’t a good idea.

Well, how about whenever you feel like calling him, call me instead. Anytime. His mom smiled and reached across to rub his shoulder. If she could fix this she would, but she knew he needed to figure this out for himself.

For Ryan, this was home, for now.

2

Madrid, Spain December 2010

Walking into his hotel room, Nate threw the keys on the dresser and fell on the bed. Three surgeries in three countries in two weeks, it was a lot, but how could he say no? No, sorry you’re paralyzed and I could help you, but I won’t because I’m heartbroken and just want to go home. That wasn’t like him and he wouldn’t leave without fixing it. Probably because he could fix their medical issues and he couldn’t seem to fix his personal life. His mother had named him well, and now the scarlet letter on his chest was officially an ‘A’, just as his namesake had described. He was in love with a married man and try as he might, he wanted nothing more than to be with Mitchell Davis. Adding to the pain of the situation, his love for Mitchell hurt someone else. Someone he also loved dearly. Now he was alone in a hotel room in a foreign country, exhausted in every way.

Looking up at the ceiling, Nate stretched out across the bed and kicked off his shoes. Too tired to put pajamas on, he pulled off his tie and started to unbutton his shirt. Hoping his phone wouldn’t ring, he started to close his eyes. This surgery was harder than the last two. The situation was more difficult, the patient’s injury was more challenging, not speaking Spanish made it more difficult to talk to the family. Enlisting Sergio’s help translating some of the medical things helped, but his pronunciation needed work. It seemed like the family understood him well enough, but well enough was never good enough for Nate. Worse than all that, Mitchell didn’t help with this one, he did this on his own. Not that he hadn’t done that before, but he had gotten used to Mitchell’s help. Once Marc came back from New York they both decided it was best if Mitchell went back to London.

Feeling alone and exhausted, Nate started to fall asleep, it was too much energy to stay awake. As he started to drift off to sleep, his phone started to buzz. Afraid to look at it, Nate ignored it for a second, then the ring started to play and he had to pick it up to double check. It was Ryan’s ring. He thought they had decided not to talk for a while. Ryan? Why?

Ryan? Is everything okay? Without sitting up, he held the phone to his ear while staring at the ceiling.

Um. Hi Nate. I know I said I thought it was best if we took some time, but….

Are you okay? Is something wrong? Ryan’s voice was shaky and Nate couldn’t tell if it was just nerves about calling, or something bad had happened.

Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just that I was watching the news and they’re saying the airports might start to close because of snow, so I wanted to see if you got home okay….

Snow?

I’m not trying to check up on you or anything; I just wanted to make sure you got home for Christmas…. for Seth.

Aaah…Thanks Ryan. Actually, I’m in Spain right now. Did they say which airports or all of Europe?

It was quiet for a second before Ryan said anything, Um. De Gaulle, I didn’t see anything about other airports. Are you there because… never mind, I shouldn’t….

It’s another surgery. I didn’t stay in Paris because two other hospitals called me once that surgery was finished. He was glad he caught the ‘we finished that surgery’ before saying it aloud, the phone call was awkward enough.

There was something about the Madrid airport closing because of a walk out a few days ago, but it looks okay now.

I appreciate you calling Ryan. Thank you. Ryan’s voice was so comforting and caring, and so painful to hear.

Are you okay with all these surgeries?

Yeah, I’m just tired. This one was tough. Nate wasn’t sure if he should go into details and everything or if Ryan was just asking to be polite. They had ended things respectfully, but the rules on what to talk about were still confusing. Maybe I should try to head home soon, just in case.

Did Mit….

It was quiet again on the other end. Nate just bit his lip and took a deep breath. No. He went back to London once Marc came back. He could hear a deep breath on the other side.

So, were you alone on Thanksgiving?

There was a hesitation in Ryan’s voice that Nate knew meant he was trying not to cry. It was okay. Thank you for checking on me, I appreciate it. Now he was trying not to cry too.

I’m sorry Nate. I shouldn’t have left you there alone.

It’s okay Ryan, really. I’ll be okay. You did what you had to do. It’s okay. Nate rubbed the bridge of his nose with his eyes closed. Ryan’s voice was bringing up so much. He wasn’t okay, but wasn’t about to tell Ryan the truth.

Okay. Well, do you need a place to stay there?

The hospital put me up in the hotel close by. I’m good. Thank you though.

Okay…. Nate?

Yeah bab….Ryan. He had to stop himself from his usual ‘yeah babe’, but it was really too late to hide.

Would you mind if I send Seth a Christmas present?

I think that would be great, he would like that. He wished he could fly to Connecticut and they could talk about what happened and maybe work it out. At least for a while, he wasn’t sure if he should mention that Mitchell and he weren’t speaking anymore. Yet, Mitchell wasn’t the only problem they had.

Will you let me know you got home safely?

Sure. I’ll let you know. Did that mean call or email? He wasn’t sure what medium would be best to let him know. About to ask Ryan if he was okay, Ryan cut back in.

I should go. Be safe, alright?

Yeah, you too.

I will Nate. Bye.

Bye Ryan. He heard the other end hang up and put his phone to his chest. I miss you. I’m sorry. Rubbing his eyes, he started to cry. Why did things turn out this way? He knew he should start to look at flights and see how he could get home, but this was too hard to deal with. The hospital had to understand that he had to leave to make sure he got home for his son. How to explain all this to Seth? There had to be a way to tell him. And his parents? He’d have to tell his parents about all this too. What would his mother say this time? Another failed relationship, someone else left him. His mother never liked Mitchell anyway, now she was bound to see this as Mitchell’s fault that Ryan left Nate. Looking at his phone, he sat up and decided to call April and see how they were doing.

Hello? Nate? Is everything okay?

Hey April. I’m okay. How are you guys? It was nice to hear April’s voice and the sounds of Seth playing in the background. Sounded like truck noises or maybe dinosaurs.

We’re doing okay. It’s very cold here, but we’re staying warm. Seth wants to pick out a tree, so we were thinking to do that this weekend. Will you be home soon?

Yeah, I’m going to try to leave tomorrow. There are some big snow storms, so I don’t want to get stuck.

You okay Nate?

Ryan just called me to see if I was still in Paris. He wanted to make sure I wasn’t stuck either I guess.

How was that for you? That’s nice of him, right?

I don’t know. I just thought we weren’t going to talk for a while, so it was surprising. But it was nice, I guess. It just hurts. I miss him April. I can’t believe this is what happened. Nate fell back down on the bed. Sitting was too much energy. I don’t know what to do now.

I know honey. Come home, let’s have a big Christmas here and we’ll try to cheer you up. Hearing fear in Nate’s voice, April wanted to remind him that he had a loving family in Maryland who could help him get through this.

How do I tell Seth? He loves Ryan. What if he doesn’t understand?

"Let’s talk about that when you get here. We’ll figure out what to say him to then, but you know he’ll understand Nate. He’s a smart kid, good genes." Pausing for a moment, she continued, You wanna talk to him now? Just to check in?

No. I mean yes, but I don’t think I can….Yeah, maybe that will help.

Seth honey. Wanna talk to Daddy Nate?

After a moment, a little voice came on. Hello? Daddy?

Hey little one, how are you? He couldn’t stop the tears, but could make sure Seth didn’t know he was crying.

Are you coming home soon?

Yes. I’ll be home soon. Do you mind waiting to pick out a tree until I get there?

I guess so. Are you and Uncle Ryan still in England?

Oh, ouch. What to say? I’m in Spain right now. Uncle Ryan is going to spend Christmas with his family. But let’s talk about that when I get home, okay? He’s sending you a present.

Oh. Okay. Well, I’m glad you’ll be home soon Daddy. I miss you.

Me too. I miss you too little one. Trying to hold it all in, Nate wasn’t sure he could handle anymore. Can you put Mommy back on?

Okay. Bye Daddy! I love you.

A little rustling led to, Nate? You okay?

Yeah April. I’m okay. I think I should stop and see my parents on the way home. But I won’t stay long.

Take as much time as you need. We’ll be here.

Thank you, April. Okay, I should look at flights.

Just let me know when to pick you up and from where. We love you Nate.

I love you guys too. Thanks.

Call me if you need anything, okay?

I will. Okay. I’ll be home soon. Thanks April.

No problem Nate. Anytime.

After hanging up the phone, Nate decided to call the hospital and check on the patient and let them know he needed to head home. He could