My Crazy Women

By Aaron Groome

You know what they say about guys with big shoes . . . Sometimes, those guys are real clowns! Dive headfirst into the world of Richie the Barber, everyones favorite tattooed clown, as we retell some of his wildest stories about love, life, and all-around craziness in Los Angeles. Youve seen him wow audiences on Americas Got Talent and Ripleys Believe it or Not, now see what happens when the cameras stop rolling and its time to party! For a guy who can juggle swords while riding a unicycle and give you the best haircut of your life, Richie sure does enjoy a good adventure. Sexy aliens and traveling gypsy clowns with wacky secrets are just the tip of the iceberg in My Crazy Women!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 25, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543416121

Book preview

Copyright © 2017 by Aaron Groome.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2017905833

ISBN:             Hardcover                           978-1-5434-1613-8

                      Softcover                             978-1-5434-1611-4

                      eBook                                  978-1-5434-1612-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 04/19/2017

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CONTENTS

Greetings from Richie and Aaron!

Movie Star in the Kitchen

Another Beautiful Grifter

Bridesmaids and Chainsaws

Rockstar on the Road

The Great Hollywood Train-Wreck

Train Wreck Reprise: Letter from the Author

The Desert Bandit (Number 1)

The Wild Blue Terror

The Mermaid from Beyond the Stars

Down with the Clown (Number 2)

Traveling Circus Blues

She’s in Pictures (Number 3)

01-02%20Movie%20Star%20in%20the%20Kitchen%26%20Another%20Beautiful%20Grifter.jpg

Greetings from Richie and Aaron!

In the early summer of 2016 I was approached to pen a book for a friend. I asked about the kind of book it would be and intrigued when I heard that it would be a collection of short stories. After the initial weeks of writing down the stories as they were told to me I couldn’t contain my laughter while editing these anecdotes. There are no analogies to the current state of the world. These aren’t contemporary versions of age-old fables. The following stories are sheer calamitous debauchery. These are the kinds of stories you’re told at the bar with your drinking buddies; the kinds that make you cringe as each hilariously awkward detail is revealed. This a collection of that one episode’s for the reader to re-live without having to renew a subscription or dust off a DVD. This is what happens when you spend time in Los Angeles. Now, with all of that out of the way, cue the music.

Movie Star in the Kitchen

Spending time in Hollywood for any reason will usually result in a story you’ll never forget or never remember. I was working at a barber shop in the mall on Sunset and Crescent Heights in the middle of everything on the Strip. A new restaurant called Mahi Madness Grill opened around the corner a few weeks before and my barber partner at the time asked me if I wanted to go see if they’re worth a shit. We sat down and I ordered the salmon because salmon is delicious and a light, frosty beer because beer is damned delicious too. We sat outside to boast to the universe what a warm, sunny day it is while most of the rest of the world freezes their asses off in the winter months. Out of nowhere this tall, pale and beautiful girl walked up to me rocking a bob haircut and cute little confident grin. I tried to play it as closely to the Fonz as possible, but her poise trumped my cool. She handed me a business card and on the back was a picture of her wearing as little as possible without being naked.

You should come see me perform tonight, she said. 9:00 pm. Let’s get a drink after.

I really should! I said as my eyes almost popped out of my head. As I smiled and stared at her, I had to pause.

I asked her, Wait… you want me to come see you dance around half naked and drink with you? Look toots, I just met you! Sounds a little bit like some first date shit?

She did that thing women do when they want to cast a spell on a guy and batted her eyelashes as she said to me in a voice somehow sexier than her body, Could be… why don’t you come and find out?

THAT DID IT. I’m all yours, baby, I said way too eagerly. You got me tonight, I’m all yours!

She smiled that confident little smile as walked away shaking her ass like there were cameras following her and I felt like a school boy getting ready for the winter formal. I took the rest of the day off from work to relax and get ready for whatever the hell would happen that night.

I took my sweet time getting home and started getting dolled up. I put on my new suit and made sure I was dapper from head to toe, chin to butt and everywhere in between. I had a good shave to make sure I didn’t have this poor girl choking to death on my moustache and headed out. I got there way too early so I bought a burrito from across the street, ate it way too fast and made my way into the bar. The guys that made my bowler hat were there so we shot the shit for a while, and they told me not to perform there.

I asked, Why?

There’s no money involved, they replied. But you’ll have a good time tonight. Drinks are $.75!

My eyes grew as big as dinner plates and thirsty little booze butterflies started fluttering around in my stomach, but before I could make a b-line to the bar they pushed me into their old fashioned photo booth and we started taking some really bad ass photos. Our horseplay was interrupted by the tall girl with the bob as she took me by my arm and dragged me to the bar. It was next to an old vault by the shitty but fun looking stage and surrounded by creepy old couches & loveseats.

Without hesitation I said, Sir, I’ll take the special tonight… well, make that two please. I found myself double-fisting like an absolute champion.

Everyone around me started to dance, and I was about to join in when I remembered that I have two drinks in my hand and don’t want to spill them all over the place. I calmed myself and realized that everyone is staring at us because this girl is ridiculously beautiful and