Brain Jam: The Life and Times of Joe Mcgillis, Depression Survivor and Mental Illness Advocate

By Joe McGillis

This autobiography takes you through the life and times of Joe McGillis from the 1970s to today and his struggle in living with depression. This is a powerful story, a roller-coaster ride of emotions from hilarious tales of adolescence to intense drama of dealing with the loss of beloved family members and friends. The story of Joes life will keep you turning pages up to the life-changing moment when the author reveals how near to self-destruction he came. Readers of all ages will find hope in Joe McGilliss story and realize that life is always worth fighting for.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 17, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524508319

Joe McGillis

Joe McGillis is a happily married father of three with a large extended family living in Peterborough, Ontario. His career path has taken him from newspaper delivery boy in the 1970s to bartender and to high school teacher since 2001. In any role, his compassion for others has never wavered. The ability to seek out a worthy cause and lend a hand always benefit from Joe’s endless level of energy. Students often tell him he is their favorite teacher. Players tell him he is their favorite coach. At home, he is the favorite parent, a contest his wife allows him to win because he does all the cooking. In his spare time, Joe plays the drums and walks his dog Sunny. Joe’s greatest success to date is his involvement with mental health awareness in his community and someday the world.

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Copyright © 2016 by Joe McGillis.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2016909622

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-5245-0833-3

   Softcover   978-1-5245-0832-6

   eBook   978-1-5245-0831-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 07/07/2016

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CONTENTS

Prologue

1.   Animal versus Buddy Rich (The Muppet Show)

2.   The Family That Celebrates Together, Stays Together

3.   Joanie Lives On

4.   The Entity

5.   Shane Norris

6.   The Poolroom Days

7.   Pearl Jam on the I-75

8.   Kelly and Don

9.   If the Plane Takes a Dive

10.   The Pearl Jam Celebration of Life Play List

11.   Gigantic Thinking Machine

(1991–1994: The Gong Show Years)

12.   Part One: My Bar-Drinking Days (1986–1990)

Part Two: The Bartending Days (1994–2000)

13.   JAM KING: A Societal Critique

14.   Inspiration: The Three Amigos

15.   Player Beamer/Coach Gilly

16.   My Diagnosed Depression

17.   My Students, My Life, 2001–2016

Epilogue

This book is

dedicated to my mother, the most amazing mother who ever lived, Joan McGillis, and to my dearest sister, Kelly, and brother, Don, who unfortunately passed away from cancer not long ago. I love you. I miss you.

This book is also dedicated to my father, who I never knew but desperately wish I did.

Finally, this book is dedicated to anyone who struggles with any kind of mental illness. Remember, you are not alone.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Joe McGillis is a happily married father of three with a large extended family living in Peterborough, Ontario. His career path has taken him from newspaper delivery boy in the seventies to bartender, musician, and, finally, a high school teacher since 2001. In any role, his compassion for others has never wavered. The ability to seek out a worthy cause and lend a hand always benefits from Joe’s endless level of energy. Students often tell him he is their favorite teacher. Players tell him he is their favorite coach. At home, he is the favorite parent, a contest his wife allows him to win because he does all the cooking. In his spare time, Joe plays the drums and walks his dog, Sunny. Joe’s greatest success to date is his involvement with mental health awareness in his community and, someday, the world.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I’d like to thank my beautiful wife Jen, for giving me the support and understanding needed to write this book. I would not be here today without her love and support pushing me forward and constantly reminding me to live in the present tense.

A big hug thank you to my children. They are my life. I am indebted to Mitch, Andy, and my baby Julia forever, for being the best children any father could ever ask for. I love them dearly.

I’d like to thank every single Canadian soldier who fought for this amazing country. They gave me everything I have today. They gave me my freedom.

Thank you to Pearl Jam for saving my life more than once. Special thanks to your latest three shows that I was lucky enough to attend: Quebec City, Ottawa, and Toronto. Wow. Unreal. All of them. Thank you.

Thank you also to everyone who has so graciously supported me since I came forward with my story of depression and nearly ending my own life on May 20th, 2015. I cannot express how much the kind words, messages, cards, letters, emails and social media support has meant to me. The list is ridiculously long to mention. You know who you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you, as my Grandma Donnelly would say.

Thank you to every single student I ever taught or coached, and to all those who I didn’t have the luxury, but would talk to in the halls, gym, field, or at the rink. You made my life what it is today. I cherish all the moments I had with you more than you possibly could understand. You inspired me to become a good teacher. You inspired me to become a good human being. You inspired me to be myself, in a world that is constantly trying to make me into something I’m not.

Thank you to my poker buddies: Terry O’Keefe, Derek Julian, Johnny Allen, Jim Young, Tim Rutherford, Sean Twomey, Sean Girard, and Kevin Woodgate, You guys are complete idiots. Don’t worry, I insult you all individually in the novel somewhere. I love you all.

Thank you to Pat Moriarty for everything, but especially for always being you.

Thank you to my high school hockey Coach, Ed Leahy, for always believing in me, supporting me, and being my surrogate father during my teens. You are an amazing man.

Thank you to Lena Simmonds for her awesome front cover art work.

Thank you to Andy Sawada, my social media guru. #nomorenanbreadpizzayousucksawada

Thank you to all the many friends I’ve known and loved along the way—especially my old pool room buddies, Cub, Vinnie, Pat, Dick and Bib. Man, did we have fun or what? Crazy good times.

This book is indebted to the following people: Michael Landsberg, Dave Pogue, Julie Vallieres and her amazing students from the Change Your Mind group in Peterborough. Thank you.

I’d like to thank my dog Sunny for every single walk, every single smile, every single tummy rub, every single fetch, and every single day I’ve ever had with her.

Finally, thank you to those who suffer from any mental illness, harassment, bullying, abusive relationships, abusive authority, meanness, and negativity in general. You are true heroes for your persistence and not giving up. Please remember there is always hope. The following story is proof of that.

PROLOGUE

One by one I faced my fears. Security was the first. Money is neither good nor bad, and although important at times it confers no real security. … In order to take risks, to commit myself to right action, I had to know that I’d be all right. I examined my values, what was important in my life and what was not.

—Brian Weiss, MD, Only Love Is Real

The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.

—Lester Bangs, Almost Famous

To me there are three things you should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two is think—spend some time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think, and cry, that’s a heck of a day.

—Coach Jimmy Valvano

My name is Joe McGillis. I am forty-five years old, a husband, and a father to the three greatest kids any parent could ask for. I am writing this book because I have clinical depression, a chemical imbalance in my brain. I take medication. I’m currently off my teaching duties because I almost ended my own life on May 20, 2015.

I also am writing this story because as you will read by the end, I am told by certain students that I have saved their lives. Obviously, I am very proud of this. What is ironic is that, throughout my fifteen-year teaching career, students are responsible for keeping me on this planet as well. I guess it works both ways.

Furthermore, we all need to act on finding solutions to debilitating mental illnesses. It is simply not even close to good enough to only use preventative techniques. We need to address the massive problem of suicide. We need to save every life.

Please understand this: it is not even close to being enough to just focus on the wellness. For example, you go to yoga, meditate, drink herbal teas, work out, run, eat fruits and veggies—whatever your cup of tea is. That is all great to do, absolutely. But it does not even come close to fixing a true diagnosed mental disorder that, in most cases, is a chemical imbalance in the brain and, if not treated professionally and properly, has potential tragedy involved.

The solutions are difficult. There is no question about that. And I am not a professional, but I have experienced what many people who have committed suicide have. It sucks. Don’t ever tell me that focusing on the wellness instead of the sickness is the proper course of action. That is simply a chickenshit way of dealing with it. Quit being afraid and start dealing with the problem, which is people killing themselves. Let’s talk about it. Let’s start teaching about it, discussing it, and making it mandatory curriculum—educate our youth. Yes, there is a fine line, but we need to find it and continue to help those out who struggle like myself.

It’s a 100 percent absolute cop out to say things like Well, maybe all this attention to suicide will make a kid on the edge think about it more and do it. Wow. Really? Seriously, let’s think about this. It has been proven time and time again that by simply talking about it with others will make them feel not as alone or safer than they did if you ignored the problem. I’ve personally had students tell me, as you will read in this book, that I’ve saved their life by simply talking about it, showing a powerful song, and discussing the lyrics or a powerful short video. I’ve cried with my students. I’ve hugged them—they know I care about them.

All you have to do is simply ask someone who has contemplated suicide what helped to save them, and I guarantee you they will say by reaching out to others.

I recently heard a story of a prominent person of authority say to a good friend of mine, We can’t save them all. That was the end of their relationship. My friend left the meeting immediately. His son killed himself a few years prior to this discussion, and the person of authority knew it. Unreal. We can’t save them all. Why would any human being say this, let alone an authority figure? What if it was your son, daughter, brother, sister, mother, father, uncle, aunt, friend? It’s a human life!

I suggest that people of authority who run businesses, corporations, and educational institutions should begin to truly address the massive problem of suicide in our communities. It is not enough to only focus on wellness. Yoga, meditation, and broccoli will not rescue a chemical imbalance. So hurry up.

I am writing this story to focus on the positives of life, but with life comes difficult times. The focus is on how to live your life the right way. How to fight through troubling times, whether you have a mental illness or not. Believe me, I’ve lived my life the wrong way many times. Therefore, who better to know how to live the right way than someone who has experienced a whole heck of a lot in forty-five years being on this planet we call Earth.

Here are several positive self-affirmations I tell myself every morning. I am an excellent father, a very good husband, a great teacher, a very good home chef, a great friend to my buddies, an excellent and energetic rock-and-roll drummer, and an overall nice person to everyone I meet.

I am writing this story because it’s the truth—and although at times it may seem a little harsh or upsetting or use bad language—oh well, if you don’t like it or it offends you, please stop reading it and go back to your Harlequin Romance or whatever your flavor is. For those readers who read from beginning to end, I am hoping this book will seem emancipating to you because it is to me. That’s the way I’ve always taught my former students. If I like the material, then they almost always like it too. If I find it boring or dumb, then they usually do as well. In my first few years of teaching, I had not figured it out, so I had some dumb shit that students put up with because it was me. But in the past decade, I eliminated all the dumb shit, and I taught my curriculum—curriculum that mattered—and believe me, it made a difference not only in my students’ daily life but in my life as well. I’ll try to keep that simple philosophy for the duration of this novel. I’m going to write what I want regardless of how anyone may perceive me after this, and you, the reader, will hopefully benefit from that honesty. I am imperfect.

The only thing I truly wish for out of this novel is for you, the reader, to feel better about yourself. I want you to escape into my world, my life, and who knows, maybe it will even help you better understand your own life because I can guarantee you that you will be able to relate to it. At the very least, even if you can’t relate to it, I hope you enjoy reading this. Hopefully, you’ll laugh out loud here and there. I’m pretty sure at a few points you’ll be in deep thought. And who knows, it’s quite possible you’ll even cry. If that being the case, then this book is very much worth writing.

I wrote an article that ran in the local newspaper Peterborough This Week in March of 2015. I received many nice comments from people around town. I wrote it because I wanted to address the elephant in the room. In other words, after writing this article, I’m officially out of the closet with my mental illness of depression. I used to be very ashamed by my diagnosis. I no longer am at all. I do believe it is worthwhile to read these words before you get into my personal life. It can be used as a sort of backdrop for the novel. Anytime you may not understand me or where I’m coming from, please refer to this article, and you may have a better understanding.

I may be sick, but I am definitely not weak

Peterborough teacher Joe McGillis ashamed, embarrassed, and sometimes angry about being diagnosed with depression, but he is no longer

Peterborough This Week

By Joe McGillis

Look at this fictional but very real scenario: Tom walks out of the hospital with a cast on his arm. Immediately others understand that this individual is hurting, and, most people Tom encounters will feel pity for him even though the arm will heal quickly.

However, Michael walks out of the same hospital diagnosed with depression. Michael will go through many different medication changes, therapists, suicidal thoughts, and very serious mental struggles, yet most of society does not respect nor understand what Michael is going through.

We have to change the stigma attached to mental illness. We should really want to change the stigma because it could be someone you know next -- your unborn son, a sister, a friend, a colleague, a parent, uncle, or even you.

My name is Joe McGillis. I am 45 years old and was diagnosed with depression last May and was off work for the first time in my life for six weeks adjusting to my medications and brain health. I was very ashamed, embarrassed, and sometimes angry at what happened to me, and I know most of this came because of the stigma attached. Then I watched a documentary Michael Landsberg did called, Darkness and Hope and it immediately helped me. I did not feel alone anymore.

Landsberg is a well-known Canadian advocate for mental awareness—he is mostly known for his popular TSN show called OTR (Off the Record), which just recently finished its final episode after 18 years running time.

Landsberg has depression, and has battled it for the 18 years he hosted OTR. If he did not come out publicly with his story then would anyone be able to see his sickness?

So what is the difference between Tom’s broken arm and Michael’s broken brain? Stigma.

Landsberg’s new website, sicknotweak.com, is doing an impressive job in changing stigma. Sicknotweak.com gives people struggling with mental illness a place where they can go and read excellent articles written from the heart, and watch amazing videos from surviving people, famous, and not famous, so they don’t feel ashamed or ridiculed, but rather accepted and understood by others. The website has only been out for a week and here are just a few of the highlights and names of people who have shared their stories: Clara Hughes, Boyce White (NBA Player), Michael Irvin and Charles Haley (both former NFL stars), and Rich Clune (Toronto Maple Leaf player) to name a few. There are countless stories told from everyday regular non-celebrities as well.

Landsberg does a four or five minute video blog every day he calls the Landsblog.

I have been through many very difficult life issues in the past few years. I was able to look happy on the outside, but I was spiraling downwards very quickly on the inside. I had a major setback just after New Year’s this past year and I’m currently off work again. I am not able to work for many different reasons right now, none of which I’m embarrassed by anymore. I understand what I’m going through because of the support systems that are out there now.

Sick Not Weak is an excellent support system not only for people struggling with mental issues, but for loved ones of those struggling, or for anyone who wants to gain knowledge and enlighten themselves in an extremely important area of our lives.

I did not know Michael before being diagnosed with depression last May. I reached out to him through an email and he has been a great friend of mine since.

Landsberg is coming to Peterborough to promote his website sicknotweak.com on November 22. It will be an excellent speaking engagement with a few other guest speakers and their struggles with certain disorders.

There is also going to be a Sick Not Weak two-hour speaking engagement launch on June 28 where I will be leading the show as sicknotweak’s Peterborough ambassador.

If you can find the time I encourage you to visit sicknotweak.com. Click Here and you will find my story in great detail.

By spreading the word and educating ourselves, we can together save lives.

There are also a couple video links concerning my story that are on the site as well.

Hey, I may be sick, but I am most definitely not weak.

What is so wrong with imperfection to many people in this society? No one is perfect, although certain individuals may think they are. They love themselves. Great. Maybe no one else around them does, though. I’d put my money on the latter statement.

I love live music, especially Pearl Jam, because it’s not perfect. It’s not supposed to be perfect. Sometimes a bad note is played, or there is some high-pitch screeching feedback. That’s the way real music should be played: imperfectly. Now, compare excellent and imperfect rock-and-roll music to those business leaders and authoritarian-type people who run organizations, teams, and companies. Do I need to mention anything more on that?

I live in a house built in 1891. I love it. By many people, it would be considered to be run-down compared to today’s standards of massive recreational theater rooms and master’s bedroom suites that you could run around in and start sweating (because likely you won’t be sweating by anything else occurring in there—you know, the TV screen or novel you read every night alone in there shouldn’t make you sweaty), but I love my house.

While Canadian soldiers were