“Dear Penis, My Love!”: A Hilarious Study of a Penis Obsession

By Louise Webb

This delightful book is for the sophisticate who loves the classics but also naughty
humor. If Shakespeare were alive today, he would rush out and buy it.
This is a delightfully humous work of fiction about a writer by the name of Saul Williams who is obsessed with the penis. His wife Summer is also affected with many mental problems. They are helped by Dr. E. Jack Ulation to become very creative and successful in their respective careers despite their psychological hang-ups. Williams produces all sorts of brilliant plays and short stories. And Summer writes and performs songs that become national favorites.

If you like funny parodies, you will get a hoot out of this book. Why? Because Saul writes his own version of some of the most famous novels and plays and of course the penis is always showing up. Yes, Saul does take-offs on the works of William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, Alexandre Dumas Tennessee Williams and Arthur Doyle. Saul even takes on Chaucer with his own tale of pilgrims going on a sacred trip to the water tower in Ketchup City, IL. that is shaped like a ketchup bottle. Why? Because the ketchup can make your penis longer and thicker.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 8, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524514402

Louise Webb

Louise Webb earned a B.A. and an M.A. in English. She minored in German and Theatre. While she taught English and German for twenty years, she had a passion for creative writing. She was a columnist for the Collinsville Herald. Her column was entitled “Off Beat” and she wrote it for three years. The present creative effort is a result of her love to make fun of the so-call classics. By the way she is a loyal and brave fan of the Cubs and she knows in her heart that they win the World Series someday.

Book preview

© 2016 by Louise Webb.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2016910663

ISBN:      Hardcover          978-1-5245-1442-6

                Softcover            978-1-5245-1441-9

                eBook                 978-1-5245-1440-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 07/08/2016

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Contents

DEDICATION

CREATIVE IMAGINATION REQUIRED TO SUPPLY MISSING ILLUSTRATIONS

PREFACE

THE LIFE AND TIMES

OF SAUL B.S. WILLIAMS

THE ORIGINS OF AN OBSESSION

THE BENEFITS OF AN OBSESSION

SUMMER (APRIL) WILLIAMS

SAUL B.S. DISCUSSES MOBY PENIS

THE TAMING OF THE BOSOM

THE THREE DUCKETEERS

A STREET CAR AT JOE-JO’S SPEAKEASY

ROMO AND GINA

THE WITCHES’ TALE

THE UNCLOTHED MAN WHO WOULD BE KING

THE KETCHUP BOTTLE PILGRIMAGE

JUDGMENT AT THE PEARLY GATES

SAUL GOES TO WASHINGTON D.C.

THE CASE OF THE LONDON SLASHER

REVENGE OF THE NERDS

THE JEALOUS JOCK

THE PICTURE OF SUMMER LONGING TO BE ETERNALLY YOUNG

BIG MAMA

MIDSUMMER MADNESS

A THANK YOU FROM LOUISE WEBB

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

DEDICATION

TO THE GREATEST SHOWMAN OF THEM ALL,

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

CREATIVE IMAGINATION REQUIRED TO SUPPLY MISSING ILLUSTRATIONS

Dear sophisticated reader, you’re going to have to use your imagination to supply the missing illustrations in this book.

Why you ask? Because the committee that approves manuscripts felt my drawings were too raunchy — indeed one member said they were too lewd and smutty.

I found their remarks funny. I see nothing wrong about drawing a naked breast, penis, ass hole or vulva. I added the drawings because they added fun and laughs to the work. They gave the parodies a whimsical quality that sophisticated readers would truly enjoy.

I’m sure that William Shakespeare would have loved to see my works of art. Why? Because so many of his plays are so sexy.

He was always rewriting his plays in the production stage. I can hear him now, The audience is leaving after act 2, boy (remember men played the parts of women at that time) you better show some more cleavage and ass. Of course, I could add a stabbing here with a lot of blood — they would love that.

So, at certain points in the parody I will indicate where you will be required to use your vivid imagination for an illustration that was banned by some up-tight prude. I’m sure you can do it. You’re so bright — that’s why you purchased the book in the first place. You know the classics and you like some raunchy good fun too.BREAKING NEW FROM MENTAL HEALTH.COM

"Hello viewers, this is Louise Webb reporting on what is going on in the study of mental health.

I recently interviewed a Dr. E. Jack Ulation about his study of a man who was obsessed with his penis.

That’s right folks; this man couldn’t get enough of his own penis. In fact, he was in love with it.

Well, the good doctor had therapy sessions with the man for over two years and helped him use his penis obsession in a positive way.

By the way, he also helped the man’s wife too. She had serious emotional problems. Of course, being married to a guy that loves his penis would be difficult for any woman. But, she worked out her problems with the good doctor’s help and became a famous singer of country music.

Now, I’m not going to tell you the names of the couple. That will spoil the surprise once you start reading the doctor’s study.

Dr. E. Jack Ulation is well qualified to help anyone with an obsession of any kind. He received his M.D. from the University of Vienna. He studied under Sigmund Freud too and was invited to form a group practice together. Later, he went to Paris where he studied under the pioneers in the field of neurology.

He has written many books about people who have an obsession. The following have been best sellers: Those Who Love Feet, The Butt Cheek Fetish, Those Who Can’t Get a Penis Long Enough, and his latest Give Me Big Tits!

You can read his full study here on this website. It is quite interesting and hilarious at the same time.

(CLICK ON THE ARROW IF YOU WISH TO READ THIS STUDY OF A PENIS OBSESSION)

PREFACE

As a clinical psychologist I have seen many cases of obsessive behavior. One of the most pronounced is the case of Saul B.S. Williams. His obsession is with the male sex organ. In his case the obsession has resulted in positive and well-received literary works.

I first met Saul B.S. in St. Louis. It was just by chance I met him at a filling station. We got to talking, and all he wanted to talk about was the penis. He told me he was writing pieces about the penis and sending them to various magazines.

I kept in touch with him as I saw his work in print in Playboy, G Q, Men’s Health and even The Atlantic Monthly.

I was surprised that he was winning all kinds of awards for his work.

The following chapters are about Saul B.S. and his many achievements. This is an example of what can happen in a positive manner when one has an obsession.

E. Jack Ulation, M. D., Ph. D.

Penis Falls, New York

THE LIFE AND TIMES

OF SAUL B.S. WILLIAMS

Saul Byron Shelley Williams was born in Zany City, Illinois. His parents, John Keats Williams and Mary Shelley Williams, were fond of the English Romantic Poets, hence his two middle names. Everybody calls him Saul B.S. – probably because he is full of it.

Saul was a shy, introverted child who grew up on the mean streets of West Zany. He was teased mercilessly by his peers because he was bookish and cried easily. He turned to his parents’ library for solace and developed a love for the great writers of the world.

He attended the Zany City schools. His grades were mediocre at best. English was his best subject.

While at Zany City High School he met April Bailey, a girl from West Zany. She had the reputation of being a slut and would put out for anyone at the drop of a pair of underpants. But Saul loved her and after they graduated (barely) they got married. April was eight months pregnant at the time.

Saul’s parents did not approve of April, so they disowned him. The young couple lived in low-cost housing and barely made ends meet. Saul B.S. went to work at Zany City Steel like his father before him. He would stop at the tavern on the way home, get drunk and then beat up on April. He also gave her seven children in ten years. All of the children were attractive but very arty. None married. Later, they helped their parents in their writing and singing careers. Many took small parts in Saul’s plays. Others were back stage prop people who helped their mother perform her many gigs at local joints and dives. The guys loved Grab magazine and the gals loved Vanity Fair and other fashion

magazines.

April wanted to work, but the only job she could find was cleaning houses. One day the man of the house she was cleaning showed up at the house and proceeded to rape her and cut a gash in her cheek. After that, she was unable and unwilling to leave the house.

As an outlet for his creative juices, Saul B. S. started to write stories. His inspirations were Philip Roth and Henry Miller. (He loved dirty books.) With Miller on his left shoulder and Roth the right, he began to write the novels for which he has famous.

He has won numerous awards: the Golden Penis for The House of the Seven Penises, the Silver Vagina for Lady Chatterly’s Penis and the Brass Ass award for Gone With the Penis, probably his most popular work.

Selected works by Saul B.S. Williams:

NOVELS:

The Penis Also Rises

The Penis in the Rye

The Scarlet Penis

The Last of the Penises

POETRY:

When Penises Last in the Dooryard Bloom’d

My Last Penis

Paul Revere’s Penis

DRAMA:

Death of a Penis

Cat on a Hot Tin Penis

A Phallus Named Desire

SHORT WORKS:

The Old Man and the Penis

A dissertation on Roast Penis

The Celebrated Jumping Penis of Calaveras County

SONGS:

(With his wife and collaborator April)

Yankee Doodle Penis

Take Me Out to the Penis

Climb Ev’ry Penis

Some Enchanted Penis

I’ve got my Penis to keep me warm

SCREENPLAYS:

Twilight Penis

My Three Penises

Penis She Wrote

THE ORIGINS OF AN OBSESSION

At one of our first sessions I asked Saul B.S. how his obsession with genitalia got started. Let me refer to my notes here.

He said he remembers his circumcision very vividly. He enjoyed all the eating and drinking that took place after the moving ceremony. Now most people don’t remember something that happened shortly after birth, but he swears he remembers. At that point he began to be fascinated with that little thing between his legs and watched it grow in size over the years.

As a child, his favorite nursery rhymes were Mary had a little penis, Little Miss Muffet sat on a penis, Sing a song of six penises and Jack and Jill went up the penis to fetch a pail of semen.

He had his first wet dream at age 12 and was fascinated by this wonderful new phenomenon. He learned he could play with himself and produce this wonderful fluid at will. He spent hours in his room trying to see how far he could shoot his stuff across the room. He tried to tie his penis in a knot, but