Graceful Bull

By Adele Joseph

We begin in the current day, 2010, explaining a much-needed one-week trip abroad to Paris, one of Angelinas favorite cities in the world, to rejuvenate her mind, body, and soul, both professionally and personally. As she has just resigned from a very good position due to immoral and unacceptable behavior as well as, separately, knowing it was the end of a personal relationship with a man that she has loved.

As we go back to Angelinas childhood, where the sun shined the brightest for her at that time, she keeps these thoughts as she is a maturing young woman pioneering through hardships, via work and career, as a steadfast and strong bull.

It is a fault of hers, over the years, as she equated work with happiness, as to somehow escape from the turmoil and sadness of a personal life filled with heartbreak and constant disappointment. This is disappointment with family as well as lovers, health issues, kidnapping as an adult, and debt to drug dealers, which in turn, caused loan and debt to the mob (organized crime), rape, and then finally a lawsuit against an employer who tried to destroy her because she would not allow herself to ever be bought sexually (law firm handling stockholders litigation). However, she never gave up, career-wise, family-wise, and in all matters of the heart. She always had faith and still has faith in humans and society, trying to remain as positive as possible and keep moving ahead, no matter what the situation or future holds.

Angelina is an extremely positive, spiritual, and loving individual that will remain feeling that the glass is half full, never half empty. No matter who or what, as the matador, tries to break her down.

A true graceful bull.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 29, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524545109

Book preview

Chapter I

The Sun Shines on a Little Bull

Angelina’s childhood was the most exciting, the most joyous, and the most beautiful part of her life insofar as she can remember. Her family did not have a lot materialistically, however, spiritually and very naturally, she was one with the earth. Angelina remembered loving to play outside on the streets of Brooklyn and Queens, New York, and in the traffic with all of the other children. There was never a fear nor any hatred nor judgment against each other. She was such a happy little girl. Nothing made her unhappy nor ever wanting for more nor needing more. Angelina felt then that she had it all.

Angelina’s father is Italian from a small town in the Mid-North region of Abruzzo. He was a very quiet and patient man who was very wise and humble. He was never confrontational nor violent and a pure joy to be around although he would not consider himself to be a joy. He was mostly serious and non-emotional, which she had come to learn as an adult, and he would hide and not be overcome with emotions. He was a much more sensitive man than one would think. She admired him for everything he was and still is today. He is and will always be in her heart.

Angelina’s father worked in a factory, on machines that would produce corrugated boxes. She knew he did not earn a lot of money, but they always had food on the table, and both he and her mother would always make sure she had a new coat for Christmas and Easter. These are very heartwarming memories for her. She never asked for anything as a child. She knew that her Christmas gift would be a winter coat that they would shop for, and it was one of the most exciting adventures for her. How strange this must sound, yet how unbelievably happy that one day—every couple of years—made her. And on Easters, well, to shop for an Easter coat and bonnet and have a matching purse took Angelina over the edge with joy.

Angelina’s mother was also Italian, first generation, and her family was from the south of Italy: Napoli. Her mother was someone who, for lack of a better term, should have been an angel or a nun. She was religious, however, she was non-fanatical and spiritual. She truly lived her religion. She would feed, clothe, bathe, and took anyone who would need help or a home—anyone. There were no prejudices nor discrimination of outsiders in her home. This was what Angelina remembered as a child and always will. There were no outsiders; everyone was family.

Both her father and her mother gave Angelina a childhood that she most appreciates and remembered mostly as pure sunshine. She loved her family, her friends, school, playing, dancing, and singing—just about everything. Life was better than good as a child, and she tries to take herself back whenever life throws us into the cruel reality at times.

Angelina has one brother, a few years her senior. He was a somewhat happy boy but always an introvert, never sociable, and never shared a thing. She knows now he was a sad boy, but as a child, she went about in her own world. Angelina always loved him and always wanted to be near him, but she was rejected without even realizing it, therefore, she would always do her own thing and, on occasion, would not look back. What her brother always did do was take care of her in his own way. He always washed her hands whenever she came inside from playing with dirt for example. This was his way of showing his love for her, and she knew it. Even as a child, Angelina had patience for everything but not for her brother’s unhappiness—not for someone who self-pity or who is self-destructive. Angelina just wanted to be happy and could never understand the unhappiness he felt or what drew him in that direction. As an adult, however, she learned. Very sadly, she also learned that her mother, through no fault of her own, had a lot to do with her brother’s self-pity, insecurities, and unhappiness.

Angelina is blessed with many aunts, uncles, and cousins on her mother’s side. They are all very close, always have been. They grew up together. Their neighborhoods were close in proximity, therefore, they played together very often. Her cousins are like brothers and sisters to her, especially two of them, Kristian and Isabelle, a brother and sister. Kristian and Angelina were born in the same year. They had an unwritten bond between them, always did. They were always together: Kristian, Isabelle, and Angelina. They always had a lot of fun together no matter what they did. They were good kids. They had a very tough Irish father and grew up in a different household than Angelina did, but they were always good children no matter what.

Angelina was also blessed with a very special cousin, Pasquale, the nephew of her father. She had only one aunt, her father’s sister who resided in Italy with her husband and the rest of her children. Pasquale was the only one to come to America and lived with Angelina and her family since she was an infant until he was married, when Angelina was four years old. Pasquale was another cousin that Angelina had a very special bond with. He was an older brother whom she admired and respected tremendously and still does. He is another true gentleman, very intelligent, and honest. Angelina has always wondered why there were not more beings on this earth made of what Pasquale was made of—a true one of a kind. Many people say this about others, however, Angelina thinks it is used quite loosely. She has been around some so-called self-proclaimed one of a kind individuals, but she was not impressed.

As children, they would forever be outside, not like the children of today that are attracted by computers and other digital equipment that keeps them inside their homes all day long every day. The technology of today did not exist at that time, which is both a blessing and a misfortune. Angelina did not have any interest in watching television. She always wanted to be in the park smelling the grass and in the street playing hopscotch and opening the fire hydrants when it was much too hot on summer days. It was the best, the absolute best. Angelina ran free. She had no restrictions, or at least that is how she felt. She forever obeyed her parents and was home in time for dinner because yes, they all sat down and ate together as a family should. Dysfunctional or not, families, in her opinion, should and must be sharing at least one meal a day together—a very important practice that has sadly gone away from society no matter what kind of family it is. A family can be very individual and unique in its own right yet still a family.

Angelina loved to dance, and at an early age, she had started dancing school. Her mother asked her when she was four years old if she wanted to go because she was forever the entertainer in the family. Angelina said no, but at the age of six, she asked her mother if she could start lessons. She absolutely loved it and lived for another class. Ballet was everything to her. Her dancing school was named Haute Ecole of Dance. At that time, she would never have guessed that it was the beginning of her love for the French—everything about the French, everything.

Another year, another dance recital. What Angelina put her family through they laugh upon so much now, Kristian especially. He told her just recently, Dance recitals. Oh my goodness, the hours and hours and hours we spent in the auditoriums waiting for you to come out. And they would laugh and laugh because it was so true.

Angelina’s life at this time was full of laughter and joy. She made wonderful friendships that would last her a lifetime. Actually, her cousin Kristian’s girlfriend, Olivia, when they were teenagers, became one of the dearest of her friends. When they were introduced at sixteen years old, they instantly hit it off. Olivia always made Angelina laugh, and they had a lot in common. Olivia was of Greek descent, and her parents were just as special as Angelina’s parents. Angelina loved going to Olivia’s house, and Olivia’s mother showed Angelina so much love. She was so entertaining and just a lovely woman. Olivia is a special individual and will always be special to Angelina.

During these adolescent years, Angelina’s mother worked for a florist whom she would visit often. She learned the names and origins of flowers very easily because she had a clear interest how these beautiful forms of life came from the earth. There are so many colors, shapes, and beauty. She especially loved the peony. Why? She does not know. She just loved them. Therefore, in every dance recital, her mother would always bring her a bouquet of peonies of all colors and sizes, every year different. These were beautiful moments for her—that her sweet mother presented her with flowers that she knew Angelina adored. This was a memory she has always remembered and always will. The simplicity and the complexity of what flowers can do to people can be amazing.

The memories of Angelina’s childhood will always be her favorite. The sun always shined for her and on her as a child. She never remembered the clouds or it ever being dark (except for the annual summer blackouts they had, thanks to Con Edison and the lack of power in their Big Apple). Even then, her life was never dark.

As time went on and as Angelina grew older and more wise to what the world had to offer—good and bad—she learned how to teach herself to always bring the sunshine back and always look for the light and the goodness and happiness no matter what. Give to yourself the good no matter how much the bad tries to take over. This was something she remembered keeping in her heart and in her soul since she was a child. If not for this, Angelina would not know where she would be. This was the direct teaching of and way of life of her dear sweet mother. The glass is always—always—half full.

Chapter II

The Beginning of Love and Disappointment

At fifteen years old or young as one may think, Angelina became very much aware that she was enamored with the opposite sex. She always knew that she liked boys and had a few crushes, usually, on the school friends of her brother and always on the older boys. She was very much into dance and her ballet and had no time for anything except school and dancing. One day, one of her older cousins organized a bus trip for the neighborhood and asked her if she wanted to go. It would consist of her older cousins and their friends. Angelina asked her father. He was extremely hesitant but allowed her if she took Isabelle and another friend, with her. So they came and went to an amusement park in New Jersey. This seemed to be another world to Angelina at that time.

They were on the bus having fun and basically keeping to themselves because everyone else on the bus was either eighteen or nineteen years old. John, a friend of Angelina’s cousin, Lena, who organized the trip, wanted to know who Angelina was. Lena told him that she was her younger cousin and that he should not go near her. He convinced her to introduce them, so she did. Then John asked Isabelle if she would mind changing seats with him so he could talk to Angelina. She said yes and moved. John was very charming and very smooth. He was eighteen years old, about to turn nineteen. Angelina had just turned fifteen. He asked her if they could spend that day together, and she said no because it would be rude for her not to spend the day with Isabelle. Isabelle told her to go with him, but Angelina would never leave her. During their conversation, her brother’s name came up, at which time John informed her that her brother hated him. She asked him why, and he said he did not know. Her brother did not like himself, so how could he know anyone else enough to want to hate them or not? This was Angelina’s opinion and thought at the moment, but she left it alone.

They arrived at the park, and it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining so brightly, and the skies were so blue. Wherever they walked during the course of the day, John and his friends were right behind Angelina and Isabelle. He was pursuing her, and it was new and exciting to her on all levels. He asked her if they could meet at 3:00 p.m. to spend some time alone with each other. Isabelle insisted that Angelina should meet him because she said it was obvious how much he liked her. So she did. They played games, ate together, he won her stuffed animals, and just had a lot of fun.

On their way back to the bus, John asked Isabelle if he could sit with Angelina for the ride home. She said yes, and Angelina asked her if she was sure it was okay. She felt awkward, scared, excited, curious, and nervous—so many emotions.

Of course, what came next was that John asked permission to kiss her. This would be her first kiss from a boy or, well, in her eyes, almost a man. She allowed him to kiss her, and that was the beginning of a love story that she would later regret. But at the time, it was absolutely wonderful. She enjoyed being kissed and wanted more. She understood emotions and feelings and was very much in tune with her body and sexuality at such an early age.

They got off the bus, and John walked them around the corner to her block with his arm around her neck. Angelina’s father came toward them from the opposite direction. As soon as they saw him, John let go and walked away. Her father was furious and wanted to know who he was and why he had his arm around her. She answered that he was just a friend. Her father told her that he did not want to see him around her or touching her again. Okay, so now she knew that if this was going to be a relationship—and that is a big if—it would have to be a secret one. Her father would never allow it.

The next afternoon, she walked out of school, and John was there to pick her up. He picked her up from school every day for three months and became her first boyfriend. Angelina loved being with him; he took care of her. He always wanted her to eat with him, talk to him, and kiss him. He never went beyond that. That is why she fell in love with him. He did not push her to have sex with him. He was gentle and caring, and she could not imagine being without him.

Then one day, Angelina was in her family’s living room at home watching the news with her brother. He asked her what was on her neck. John had accidentally given her a hickey or a love bite (which people also called it then). It was days ago and was fading. How her brother noticed it from so far away from her was beyond belief! Angelina thought she did such a good job hiding it.

Well, he went ballistic—abnormally animalistic as she would describe it. He grabbed her so violently and demanded to know who did it to her. Angelina told him it was her boyfriend. He said, Boyfriend? Who the hell is your boyfriend? She did everything not to tell him who it was because John informed her of her brother’s hate for him. He wore her down, and when she told him, she could not believe the chaos in her home. He left like a madman. Her brother’s friend, Nicky, later came to tell her that her brother and John engaged in a fistfight in the street and that they were both full of blood. What the hell was going on? Angelina didn’t understand this but later would understand it all.

Her brother came home and basically spilled out all to her father detailing how John was a drug addict and a no good spic that has a lot of girlfriends and that if their father did not forbid her to see him, he would kill him. Angelina begged her father, crying and pleading to meet John and talk to him and telling him that this was all one-sided and that her brother was extreme in his behavior and his allegations. Of course, her father would not hear anything she had to say and considered her brother at the time to be a hero. What a joke. Her father then came to her room, took the stuffed animals that John won for her at the park when they first met, and threw them away. Her parents told her that she was to never see him again and that she was punished for the entire summer vacation. Angelina was not allowed outside their apartment unless it was to go to Laundromat (which was her job), food shopping, or work. (Angelina worked part-time in a jewelry store.)

Of course, this did not stop her immediately from seeing John. If she went to do the laundry, she would put the clothes in the washing machine, and John would pick her up, then she would spend time with him until she had to put the clothes in the dryer. Angelina would stay with him until the clothes were dry. It was the same thing whenever she went to the supermarket. She would tell him when she was going, and he would meet her there to steal a kiss.

But this became more and more difficult, and Angelina could not lie and betray her father any more no matter how right or wrong it may have been. She wrote John a letter, telling him how much she loved him, but she needed to listen to her father because she was in fact only fifteen years old. Angelina understood her father’s concerns and did not want to strain her relationship with him or the household. Angelina believed it could have been very easy to be a bad daughter and continue to lie and betray her father, but she chose to do the right thing because she knew she was so young. John and Angelina both cried, but she asked him to understand that she truly did love him but needed to listen to her father. Angelina told him that if they truly had love for each other, they would be together again in a few years, perhaps, when she turned eighteen. Angelina was not sure of this but knew that one day it could happen. Everything to her was a possibility.

After this, Angelina went about her normal routine of school, work, dancing school, and friends. She thought of John every day and would hear from her cousins and friends of how he was heartbroken. She thought to herself that she must wait for him. She promised herself that she would never have another boyfriend and would wait until she turned eighteen and find him and then they would be together (glass half full). Six months went by, and Angelina heard that John had a girlfriend named Lori who he went to school with. She could not believe it. She thought he loved her. There you go. And honestly, she thought, she was not even that upset. She just felt like a fool, thinking that she was going to wait for him, but he just moved on like it was nothing. Now considering the length of time, of course this is normal, but not for Angelina at that moment. He betrayed her and her heart; she did not care that they were teenagers.

Angelina had a lot of admirers at school, but she never pursued anyone’s affections for her. She was friends with all of the boys as well as the girls. That is why they liked her so much. Some girls at her school were very promiscuous—yes, high school in the eighties. It was amazing to her, but to each his own. She had no judgments of anyone. She knew what was good for her and what she wanted, but she knew that this did not apply to everyone.

Angelina had two boyfriends after John, and both of those relationships were insignificant. One was with another friend of one of her older cousins. Nice guy, regular, more mature, she thought. She was his girlfriend for one year, and he constantly asked her to have sex with him. She did not let it happen for one year. Then Angelina gave in because she asked herself, Why would he stay with me for an entire year if he didn’t love me? He would have found someone else if it was just about sex. Long story short, she gave in, but then he left. He left her for a girl, same age, he worked with. She remembered catching him, which is how she found out. After Angelina and her boyfriend did the deed a couple of times that week, she baked him cream puffs (what a fool for love), got all dressed up, and went to visit him at work as she always did. When Angelina walked in, she saw him kissing this girl. That was the end. She threw the cream puffs at him and left. One week later, he shows up at her home to tell her that he missed her. She told him to keep missing her and that she never wanted to see him again. Strangely enough, it did not bother her. Angelina was sure it was because she was not in love with him. Again, he was a nice guy, a regular guy, but isn’t this always the case? The only regret was that she gave her virginity to someone she later realized she did not love.

The second was a boy from her high school, same age, who she spent two years with but was not worth the words written on the page to describe him and his character. Unfortunate but true. He was just another individual that Angelina thought she could help, fix, or whatever verb. He was a taker who tried to completely drain her of all of her positive energy. She ended this relationship in the beginning of her senior year in high school with no regrets.

Angelina’s last year in high school was filled with wonder and the possibility of a future, hope, and yearning for adventure. She was very adventurous. She was involved in a school-sponsored internship program where she worked full-time in the city and reported what she learned weekly at John Jay College in Manhattan. Her grades and credits were above average in her junior year (as was many students), therefore, the high school offered this program in lieu of graduating a year early. Angelina loved everything about it: getting dressed to go to work, taking the bus and the subway, being in Manhattan every day—it was fantastic.

At the same time, John came back into her life. When she attended a bridal shower for a cousin of hers, John’s sister-in-law was also there. She could not stop telling Angelina how much John loves her and that he was only with Lori because he felt bad for her. She told her that he never stopped talking about her and asked her if she could give her his cell phone number. Angelina gave it to her, and she called him a few weeks later. It was nice to hear John’s voice. She realized that she still had feelings for him. He assured her that he told Lori it was over between them a long time ago, but she would not let him go. He told Angelina that Lori knew that he loved her and always will and that he needed to be with her. So it eventually came to be that they would be together again. They still secretly carried on until she decided that she needed to confront her parents and let them know what she was doing and how she wanted them to meet John.

During the course of that year and up until Angelina decided to tell her parents about John, her brother was very much a drug addict (hence the allegation that John was a drug addict three years prior). They dealt with her brother as a family. He was in and out of rehabs, carrying on violent and hurtful behavior. You name it. Anyone who has lived with a drug addict can tell you the same story: it is not pretty. Angelina was there for her family. There was only the four of them. She was supportive in every way of her mother and father and did anything she could to keep things in balance. However at this time, she started to understand and see clearly for the first time how her mother has and always will be an enabler of her brother. He was a prince to her, and he could do no wrong no matter what—a prince who was never there for anyone except himself. Angelina understood completely that drug addicts are also sick and that they need help. However, they must also try to help themselves, which is something her brother never wanted to do, thanks to the constant coddling and unwarranted and extreme protection of her mother.

Needless to say, at this time, Angelina’s home was turned upside-down on a daily basis—the violence on her brother’s part, the theft of the television and her jewelry, and anything that was not nailed down. And yet her parents allowed this to continue. She knew then that this was not what her father wanted. However, due to her mother’s very emotional outbursts and nonstop dedication to her son, they all suffered, and her father gave in to her mother time and time again. They never forced her brother to get help, never made him leave (tough love to wake him up), and never hurt him in any way. Angelina put up with this dysfunction and tried to convince her mother daily that the ten dollars he wanted for gas was for crack, yet somehow, she was the troublemaker. It was constant and beyond