Loving Losing & Living: Second Edition

By LaShonda Smalls McElveen

Loving Losing & Living

Loving, Losing, and Living is one womans spiritual journey of how her faith and trust in God helped her through the death of her 32 year old husband who was killed in a car accident. In a five-year period, her status changed from virgin to married to widow and single mother of two small children.

Her faith in God as healer of all wounds, both physical and emotional is what got her through the roughest time of her life. She declares that prayer and praise helped her to the other side of the rainbow, where there was something wonderful awaiting her, after the storm.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 6, 2017
• ISBN: 9781512768657

LaShonda Smalls McElveen

LaShonda Smalls McElveen is the Pastor and founder of Calvary Christian Outreach Ministry in Sumter, SC. She is married to Lee McElveen and together they have three children. Born in Brooklyn, her family later returned to Olanta,S.C where she spent part of her childhood and then graduated from Lake City High School. She is a graduate of the University Of South Carolina School Of Nursing. She enjoys spending time with family, writing, singing, and ministering the word of God to her congregation. She has a passion for those who are lost, those grieving, and the elderly. Her desire is to fulfill every purpose that God has outlined for her life….to make full proof of her ministry, every ministry.

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Copyright © 2017 LaShonda Smalls McElveen.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture quotations taken from the King James Version.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-6866-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-6867-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-6865-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016920874

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/21/2016

Contents

Chapter 1 - The Wedding Day

Chapter 2 - The Last Time

Chapter 3 - For Better-For Worse

Chapter 4 - A New Chapter

Chapter 5 - A New Beginning

Chapter 6 - What A Turn Around

Chapter 7 - Now Faith

Chapter 8 - Be Yourself

Chapter 9 - Circumstances

Chapter 10 - Relief

Chapter 11 - Lasting Impressions

Chapter 12 - The Eulogy

Chapter 13 - Transition

Chapter 14 - Mama’s Home

Chapter 15 - Birthdays

Chapter 16 - Association

Chapter 17 - Not Ashamed

Chapter 18 - Picture Perfect

Chapter 19 - What’s in A Name

Chapter 20 - The Press

Chapter 21 - There

Chapter 22 - Trapped

Chapter 23 - Extra

Chapter 24 - Church Folks

Chapter 25 - The Green Grass

Chapter 26 - Impact

Chapter 27 - Change

Chapter 28 - One Thing

Chapter 29 - So, How Are the Kids Doing?

Chapter 30 - Zeal

Chapter 31 - Due Benevolence

Chapter 32 - Baby Mama Drama

Chapter 33 - Deposits

Chapter 34 - Is it Thursday Yet?

Chapter 35 - Closing Prayer

A Note from the Author

Grief is something that we all have in common regardless to race, color, or nationality. We may deal with it differently, but we all have to deal with it. Sometimes you have time to prepare. At other times, it catches you by surprise. It affects sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, young and old.

We overcome by sharing our stories, our challenges, and our struggles with each other. Oftentimes we do not want to tell our business, but to God be the glory for all He’s brought me through.

As you read, may you be healed from your hurts and delivered from your pain. I encourage you to hang in there. I encourage you to live. Live.

St Luke 22: 32- But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

Psalm 26:7 - That I may publish with the voice of thanksgiving, and tell of all thy wondrous works.

Dedications

To the God of Gods, the King of Kings, my Lord and my Savior: It is all about fulfilling your divine purpose in my life. Thank you Lord for your leading, and instructing me to follow.

To my wonderful husband Lee, thank you for always believing in me and speaking a positive word into my spirit. You are my Boaz. I am blessed to have you.

To, my son, (my other man); Desmond, thanks for all of your kisses and hugs that kept mama encouraged, and for being my personal Rev. You’re the best son any mother could ask for.

To, my daughter, Candace, thank you for being my sweet little Candy Cane, and my prayer warrior. Thanks for the hugs and kisses. You’re the best daughter any mother could ask for.

Last, but not least thanks to Miriam and Kurt Moore, The Olive Tree Bookstore Staff, and for each of you who purchased a book, encouraged others to buy, sponsored a book signing, and invited me to your churches or groups to share my story and God’s glory. It was you that God used to instruct me to keep writing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Wedding Day

I   thought the day would never come. I was a twenty- eight -year- old virgin. I thought I was the only one in the world, but I know I wasn’t, I think. I felt as if people would start to wonder about me if I hadn’t gotten married soon. It wasn’t in my hands though. I had become a Christian at the age of eleven and I was determined to do what God intended in this area of my life. Yes, I was born with the same hormones every other girl has, but I knew that God would not ask me to do something that He would not give me the strength to do. So I prayed a lot, took a lot of cold showers, and asked the Lord to keep me until the appointed time for an appointed person. I had heard a radio announcement that Bishop Jakes was having a singles’ conference in Greensboro, North Carolina. I figured this was it!! I thought he’d have the gals on one side and the guys on the other. We’d all meet in the middle over a few refreshments, exchange numbers, and before you know it-Dum; dum ta dum…..Dum dum ta dum.

As the date grew closer, I figured that it probably wouldn’t be quite like that (although a few meatballs and chicken wings would have been nice). Nonetheless, I was excited about my upcoming road trip. Once I got there, I got an ear full alright. Bishop Jakes spoke of not worrying about who God was going to send, and how tall or short he would be, but merely that we should trust God’s timing. It wasn’t anything that I hadn’t heard before from local pastors. Once again these words slapped me in the face. I repented as I drove home. I realized that I had been wasting a lot of time worrying about something that I could not change. God had already outlined who I would marry, _ or if in fact I would at all. My worrying was not going to change His plan.

One month later, as soon as I made up my mind to not worry about it, it happened. I was at a church service. It was the pastor’s anniversary celebration. I was on call, but I asked another nurse to cover for me for a few hours so that I could be there. The following Monday, I got a call from one of the ministers that was there. I figured that he was calling to say- hello- since I had gotten called in before the service ended. He proceeded to tell me that he was calling for his nephew who had been at that service.

He was going to holler at you yesterday, but you left early, his uncle said. "Yeah, I had to go to work, I said. Holler at me about what? We laughed.

I don’t want that young boy. How old is he anyway? (Forgetting all of the sermons I had heard. Age shouldn’t have been my first question). He seems so ‘deep’ and serious. I’m a Christian, but I like to laugh and have fun."

Well needless to say, a few days later I received a call from Christopher Lydel Mitchell. He seemed nice. We laughed and talked, but I had my guard up. It was the end of October 1998. By Christmas, we were talking and laughing so much that my mom was certain I’d get an engagement ring. I figured it was too soon-, but just two months later, Chris showed up at my church for Valentine’s Day. I knew something was up. At the end of service, right before the benediction; they gave Chris the floor. He strolled to the front of the church, and began talking. My stomach was so nervous; I don’t even remember all that he was saying. The next thing I knew, he was kneeling in front of me with a heart-shaped red velvet cake in his hand and a diamond out to the side of the cake plate. My answer was- yes.

Four months later on June 26, 1999, we were married. Just like that, - all of the waiting and worrying was over. The Lord knew it the whole time. He was just trying to teach me to accept His will. As I stood there all dressed in white with tears rolling down my face as Chris sang to me on our wedding day, who knew that four years, eight months, and five days later, I’d be at his funeral. When it came to accepting God’s will, I still had a long way to go in that area. What a hard pill to swallow. Of all the things I imagined myself being in life, a widow was not one of them.

Wedding Day Chapter Review

Singles: Ask yourself, am I happy with who I am? Are you happy with yourself personally, and are you happy with your single status? When you are happy, others know it. Happiness with one’s self will show up in attitude. Dissatisfaction will also show up.

Couples: When did you lose your virginity? Was it on your wedding night? Was it by choice or by force? Do you believe you were emotionally ready for this part of your life? What advice do you have to give your children or other youngsters of this day and age? Make a vow to share your wisdom about relationships with someone who you think will benefit. Some will not hear, but there is someone who will. Someone, even if it’s only one person, will love to have your guidance before making the wrong decision.

Words of Wisdom

It seems that in this day in which we live, sex sells. Giving of one’s body is done so loosely and taken so lightly. It’s your body. You are in control. There is more to you than just your hormones. Accept God’s plan for your life. He knows what’s best even when we don’t quite understand the route He’s taking us.

Notes:

The Last Time

A s I sat injured in a wheelchair in the emergency room, I wondered what took so long for them to take me to where Chris was. He had come in a separate ambulance, ahead of me and the kids. Since I worked at the hospital, I knew the nursing supervisor on duty, so I asked her to check things out for me. She came back a few moments later, and said,

Okay, LaShonda, we’re ready for you. The sharp right turn that she made confused me just a bit. I had moonlit in the ER before and the patient rooms were the other way, so why was she going this way? But there they sat-two doctors who had been caring for Chris. I thought, Oh I know, they are about to tell me that Chris is pretty bad, so they are going to have to take him by helicopter to another hospital. I braced myself. One started talking. I can’t even remember how her sentence started. I just remember her saying:

But we’re sorry to have to tell you that your husband didn’t make it. It’s as if my heart skipped a beat. My ears took a minute to process that, but my heart heard it the first time. Heaviness overshadowed me. I screamed a scream like never before. It didn’t even sound like me. It was my inner soul, wailing. Every time I tried to stop, my soul cried all the more. In between screams, I’d repeat what Job said,-

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Then I’d scream again. I couldn’t believe it. It was a nightmare. There were many surrounding me, but I felt alone. I imagined myself being a lot of things when I grew up, but a widow was never one of them. It was not a title that I had expected to have. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I hadn’t even been married that long. I had a five- month- old baby girl, and a three- year-old son. You know how on TV, when someone dies and the person’s spirit is looking down at their body on the table? Well, that’s how I felt. I felt like I was looking down on all of this.

They took me to see Chris’s body. I couldn’t believe it was him lying there. We had just been talking. I wanted to call him, but I knew he wouldn’t answer. I wanted to touch him, but I wanted to remember the last touch as he lived. I thought he’d be cold and hard. I didn’t want to remember that touch. I don’t think all of this had hit me yet. I still couldn’t believe that was him lying there-my husband. The entire time, I was surrounded by friends, family, my church family, and other ministerial staff, but I felt so out of it. I felt like I had gone into my own world. Chris and I had just been talking to each other one hour ago. We were almost home, about ten minutes away. We had just left seeing many of the church members who now stood there with me in the ER, viewing his lifeless body. You just don’t know. No one there knew that it would be their last time seeing him alive.

It’s good to make the best of our opportunities to do good and to show love. Enjoy every moment- every ball game, church service, cook- out, etc. We must not assume that we can do it later or take care of it next time. Sure some things can wait, and we do have to prioritize, but if ever you have any doubt about whether you should or shouldn’t do something, just think about the fact that it could be your last time. I think Nike says it best-just do it. Tomorrow is not promised, and we need to make it a full day today. It could be your last time.

In between screams in that ER, I had no regrets about the times we had enjoyed or the decisions we had made. We laughed. We loved. Chris enjoyed life. It didn’t end like I thought it would. I thought we’d be old and gray when we lost each other. I figured we’d be enjoying retirement and surrounded by grandkids one day. I didn’t know that the ride home would be