Observational Listening: The (Missing) Link Between Emotion and Communication

By Markus van Alphen

Conversational skills. People already talk with one another, dont they? It should be redundant to write a book about conversational skillsor so you would think. Yet there are differences between people: one seems to get a little more done than the next. Often this boils down to subtle differences in the way they communicate.

Ordinarily, people tend to ask questions with a certain goal or purpose in mind. They then listen to the answer as if the answer is based on the question as they meant it to be. Yet the other is answering based on what he understood the question to mean. Observational listening trains the listener to let go of his own goals and interpretations and concentrate on the reactions evoked. In other words, the listener tries to find out what the question meant to the other. In this way, he gets it and is able to bring depth into the conversation in a natural way without resorting to tricks.

This book also goes further than your everyday conversation: it is directed at conversational skills in psychosocial settings. The philosophy behind the book is simple yet profound: if you realise that communication is an emotion as well as the expression of emotion, the way to becoming an excellent communicator is to understand emotion and how it translates into behaviour. This is what makes this book unique: it provides the missing link between emotion and communication.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jul 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524636968

Markus van Alphen

Markus van Alphen was born on 27 June 1960 in Pretoria, South Africa. He received his education in Pretoria and later moved to Cape Town, where he completed his degree in Electrical and Electronic Engineering at the University of Cape Town and studied for two years towards completion of degree in commerce. He worked for several years as a consultant electrical engineer as partner of an engineering firm before moving to the Netherlands. His focus then shifted to software development, and from there to the individual and interpersonal realm, leading him to complete a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology at the University of Amsterdam. He currently lives in Slovenia and works as a worldwide therapist for individuals, couples and families using webcam technology. He is a trainer, lecturer and curriculum developer in undergraduate and postgraduate psychology, counselling students at various colleges and universities across the Netherlands. He writes educational books in the field of psychology for the Dutch publisher Boom, and is also a contributing author to various textbooks. As a restorative practitioner he works hands-on, being called in to resolve incidents and initiate the process of conflict resolution, as well as train others to implement the restorative approach. As a researcher he is currently associated with the Open Universiteit in Heerlen as a PhD candidate, where he is researching the development of empathy at various stages of education in the field of clinical psychology.

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© 2016 Markus van Alphen. All rights reserved.

Interior Graphics/Art Credit: P. Houtekamer, RenZ CreationZ & W. van Heerden

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/26/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5246-3694-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-3695-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-3696-8 (e)

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Preface

Introduction

Background

What Is Psychosocial Care?

Why Clients Ask for Psychosocial Care

The Role That Conversational Skills Play

The Story Behind Observational Listening

General Comments; How to Use the Book and Website

Terminology

Sources

Website

Arrangement of the Book

Arrangement of Each Chapter

The Importance of Role-Playing

How to Use This Book

1 Communication – Basic Principles and Theory

1.1 The Communication Process

1.2 The Reason We Communicate and the Elements in a Message

1.3 Channels: Verbal, Paralinguistic and Non-Verbal

1.4 Uniqueness and Experience

1.5 Attention, Perception and Interpretation

1.6 Interpretation via Rules of Thumb

Conclusion

Summary

Theory Questions

Suggested Exercises and Role-Plays

2 Basic Conversational Skills

2.1 An Open Attitude and a Good Working Relationship

2.2 Adjusting Language Usage

2.3 Questions

2.4 Listening Skills

2.5 Sending: Getting the Message Across

2.6 Structuring and Regulating Skills: Giving a Conversation Direction

2.7 Keeping the Conversation Interesting

2.8 Communication Patterns

2.9 Communication Rules

2.10 Positive Language

2.11 Compliments, Criticism and Feedback

2.12 Patience – When to Intervene and When to Wait

2.13 Role-Plays, Role-Plays and Yet Again Role-Plays

Conclusion

Summary

Theory Questions

Suggested Exercises and Role-Plays

3 Communication at the Intersection between Feeling, Thinking and Behaviour

3.1 A Biopsychosocial Model of Behaviour

3.2 Biology and the Basic Emotional Reflexes

3.3 Learning Processes

3.4 A Biopsychosocial Model of Emotion

3.5 The Role of Emotions in the Communication Process

3.6 Different Negative Emotions

3.7 Anxiety

3.8 Shame and Guilt

3.9 Anger

3.10 The Impact of Loss

3.11 Empathy as Foundation for Observational Listening

Conclusion

Summary

Theory Questions

Suggested Exercises and Role-Plays

4 Advanced Conversational Skills

4.1 Do Difficult People Actually Exist?

4.2 Dealing with People Based on Their Self-Esteem

4.3 Taboos

4.4 Confrontation and the Socratic Dialogue

4.5 Some Less Effective Communication Patterns

4.6 Resistance

4.7 Aggression

Conclusion

Summary

Theory Questions

Suggested Exercises and Role-Plays

5 Empowerment, Conversational Roles and Conversational Attitudes

5.1 Empowerment

5.2 Roles in a Psychosocial Conversation

5.3 Role Versus Stages of Change

5.4 Credibility of the Psychosocial Worker

5.5 Conversational Styles

5.6 Characteristics of Observational Listening

Conclusion

Summary

Theory Questions

Suggested Exercises and Role-Plays

6 Conversational Models

6.1 Intake

6.2 Advisory Conversation or Consultation

6.3 Functioning Appraisal

6.4 Bringing Bad News

6.5 Letting Others Know Your Boundaries

6.6 Correctional (or Disciplinary) Conversations

6.7 Mediation

6.8 Restorative Conversation

Conclusion

Summary

Suggested Exercises and Role-Plays

In Closing

Bibliography

About the Author

‘When you talk,

you are only repeating what you already know;

but when you listen,

you may learn something new’

Dalai Lama

Preface

During the several trainings I give to psychology students, I regularly get complimented on my ability to translate the sometimes overly difficult (and often dryly written) textbooks into ordinary, everyday language. Several students suggested I take this ability and use it in authoring more accessible literature. Since 2014 I have been writing for the Dutch publisher Boom Lemma, and my third book was published in January 2016. My aim in this book is still to give students a solid theoretical basis and get them used to the sometimes complicated jargon used in the social sciences, but at the same time it is to present the material in language that the average A-level student should be able to understand. To help the material become more than just theory, I also try to link everything I present to case examples or situations in everyday life.

This book is a translation and adaptation of my Dutch book titled Psychosociale gespreksvoering: observatief luisteren in de hulpverlening (Van Alphen, 2015).

Several people have provided input for this book (or for the Dutch version), and I would like to thank them here by name. As first my Editor, Jeremy Lowe, who did a fantastic job in getting everything grammatically correct and consistent in terms of style. Then Marie-Sophie Linssen, Anne van Pol, Renske Bijl and Josine Muurling who read my Dutch manuscript while I was writing, and gave me valuable tips, comments and feedback, which I have incorporated into the final text. Anita Kuppens and Snežana Stupar helped me with the paragraphs on emotion, and Jenny Erckens with that on loss. Wilma van Heerden provided the photographs, Pieter Houtekamer the figures and Rense Bijl the cartoons. Thanks to all of you for helping to make a complete work, which I hope students will enjoy reading.

To my readers, I trust this book will help you become a better communicator and listener!

Markus van Alphen, Radovljica, 2016

Introduction

Conversational skills. People already speak with one another, don’t they? It should be redundant to write a book about conversational skills, you may think. There are, however, differences between people, especially where one person seems to get a little more done than the next; and often this boils down to subtle differences in how these people communicate. This book also goes further than looking at your everyday conversation: It is directed at conversational skills in psychosocial settings.

Background

Society is constantly changing, affecting many areas, including psychosocial settings. In the political arena, healthcare and social programmes (in general) are a hot item, and many governments try to limit costs in order to keep the services offered affordable. In the Netherlands, for example, the Social Economic Council calculated that healthcare costs will rise from €5.000 per Dutch citizen per year in 2012 to somewhere between €17.000 and €25.000 in 2040 (Sociaal-Economische Raad, 2012) if the current trends are left unchecked. This implies a constant drive to cut costs, which stands in direct contrast to the desire for qualitatively good care. What goes for healthcare in general also goes for psychosocial care in particular. Take mental health care as an example. In the Netherlands, drastic changes in what is covered by national health insurance means that the way professionals in this sector operate is undergoing similarly drastic change. This theme certainly isn’t limited to the Netherlands; all Western civilisations are facing similar issues. This forms the dynamic background for this book.

To continue with the mental care setting, one trend is clear: Constant changes in what is covered, with cost limitation as general goal. Translated into practice, this means working faster and more efficiently whilst not compromising quality. This calls for psychosocial workers who can deliver good, effective and (especially) practice-based care grounded in solid theoretical knowledge. Irrespective of the nature of that work, whether it be diagnostics, treatment, counselling, coaching, etcetera, excellent communication skills function as the oil that greases the wheels of the whole care process. This is most true of conversational skills, which then are the focus of this book.

This book is written with a particular target group in mind: Students who have the ambition to work in a psychosocial care setting, and starting professionals already working in such a setting. It is a broad sector, and includes vocations such as (applied) psychologist, therapist, counsellor, coach, trainer, case manager, educationist and social worker, to name a few. And these vocations are executed in several areas – mental healthcare, schools, social work and the work setting immediately spring to mind.

Against this background, the aim of this book is to develop conversational skills within this target group so that their interventions can become more efficient and effective.

What ensures that this book is more than ‘just another book about conversational skills’? The key addition is the element of depth. Where many books only treat basic skills, this book goes further. This is why the term observational listening is in the title: Only when the psychosocial worker is sensitive enough to notice what is happening in the inner world of the client can he or she react appropriately and adequately. This means developing the ability to understand the emotions the client experiences; and for that to happen, a thorough grounding in theory is essential, as is learning the skills through which this theory is applied. Going this extra mile will make sure that conversations reach the needed level of depth quicker, core issues will be discovered more easily, and, by extension, conversations will become more effective. This also means that the starting professional may benefit from studying this book.

The primary target group is (first year) students in the social sciences. That is why simple, clear language is preferred and jargon and theory are introduced step-by-step. Another aim is to keep it as practical as possible. There certainly will be ample attention paid to theory, however. In particular, the chapter on emotion is grounded on a thorough theoretical understanding. Yet theory always serves a purpose, and links are always made showing how to apply that theory, via techniques, tips, case examples and checklists.

In summary: This book is intended to help psychosocial workers learn practical techniques, grounded on theory, and equip them for an environment where they are expected to work faster, more efficiently, more effectively, and cheaper, without compromising quality.

What Is Psychosocial Care?

The term ‘psychosocial’ can be divided into its constituent parts: Psycho and social. These terms come from a broader paradigm in which the human being is seen from a biopsychosocial vantage point (Kiesler, 1999). In this paradigm, human experience is an interaction between three areas: Biological, psychological and social. Both positive and negative experiences are the result of changes in one or more of these areas. However, the interrelatedness of these areas means that any change in one area automatically induces change in the other two areas. Experience emerges as the result of the interaction between these various aspects. Psychosocial care focuses on the latter two. When people are confronted with problems in the way they experience their lives, a psychosocial worker attempts to help them bring about psychological and social change. They do this by getting people to interpret things differently (psychological arena) for example, or to interact in a different way with their social environment (social arena), or, where possible, even to adapt to the social environment.

Why Clients Ask for Psychosocial Care

Usually, the psychosocial worker comes into the picture when clients have difficulties they cannot solve themselves. Think about it: What would you do if you were to encounter a problem in your life, perhaps with your partner, for example? Would you run off to couples counselling straight away? Most people first try to solve their issues themselves. When that doesn’t work, they might well turn to a friend, perhaps at first to vent their emotions. Sometimes just talking about it in this way is sufficient; as they arrange their thoughts, a solution may simply pop up, almost automatically. Or they might ask the friend for advice. The point is that people initially try (with or without help from their social environment) to solve their own problems. Only when this doesn’t deliver satisfactory results will they call in the help of a professional.

The Role That Conversational Skills Play

In brief, clients of psychosocial professionals want help in solving their problems. But before you can help them, you will need to know what is the matter, why that situation has arisen and what has prevented the problem simply going away all by itself. For that you will need conversational skills. Usually, this exploration stage leads to the psychosocial worker giving advice on how to tackle the issue. That, too, requires conversational skills. This first phase in any psychosocial care setting usually happens during an intake. In my Dutch book on diagnostic skills (Van Alphen, 2014) I deal with that process blow by blow. In the phases that follow such an intake, the psychosocial worker will often work alongside clients using all kinds of intervention skills.

This book is not about diagnostic skills, nor about interventions. But to be able to use diagnostic skills and apply interventions, you will need to collaborate with your clients. And for that you need conversational skills. In summary: Effective conversational skills are an essential ingredient of successful psychosocial care.

The Story Behind Observational Listening

In my role as trainer I have a general rule that I will always demonstrate some aspect of the conversational process in an improvised role-play in front of the whole class. I do this usually after the students have had a go in smaller groups, so that I can concentrate on specific aspects they find tricky. I ask a student to improvise, throw me some curve-balls if the situation arises, and try to really live the role they are playing. Sometimes students aren’t role-playing – they bring in a real and current issue. I have a knack of generally being able to pick this up straightaway. One afternoon, after a full day of training, I performed one of these demonstrations, in which I soon picked up the issue my student was dealing with; it certainly was a personal and immediate problem for her. After a few minutes, probably not more than five, the tears started rolling down her face. She felt so relieved, as for the first time she felt that someone had heard her, had understood what she was going through, and didn’t judge her. The feeling that therapists in her past hadn’t been able to give her in many sessions, I had managed to give her in a few minutes. Notwithstanding the compliment she paid me, it did push me into thinking: What is it that I do in such a situation that other people clearly seem not to be doing? Why, when I observe students in a role-play, do I see things that students and other therapists do not? What makes my clients feel themselves heard? I certainly am neither clairvoyant nor omniscient, so this must involve some trainable skill … The only satisfactory answer I could come up with was that I am constantly observing and picking up on the emotions my clients are experiencing. I am not so much interested in what they tell me about their emotions, I pick up what they are feeling right now. And that answer led me to search for ways to develop teachable skills, so that my students can implement them too. Dubbed as observational listening, the result thus far is this book.

General Comments; How to Use the Book and Website

In this section, a number of opening comments are made about terminology, the structure of the book, how chapters are arranged, how best to use the book, and what the purpose is of the website.

Terminology

I have been battling to find a good term to encompass all of the workers active in psychosocial care settings. The social sciences aren’t only for psychologists or social workers; it is a broad sector that covers many vocations. I have therefore chosen the neutral term ‘psychosocial worker’. The second issue is gender. Although I am fully aware that there are male psychosocial workers, the truth of the matter is that the majority are women. I therefore choose to write using this reality as my point of departure. From this point onward I will use only the feminine pronoun when referring to the psychosocial worker. You may mentally replace this latter term with all vocations in the psychosocial setting in which both men and women work.

When I refer to someone’s partner, I mean all forms of romantic relationship: Husband or wife (whether married or common-law), boyfriend or girlfriend, or any other form I do not know about. For ease of language I generally use the masculine form when referring to someone’s partner.

I have chosen to refer to the conversational partner as the client, which is the most common term for those who ask a professional for assistance. I generally refer to the client in the singular form, and will alternate between masculine and feminine forms: When the subject matter concerns issues that are more common to women, I use the feminine pronoun; in all other cases I use the masculine. Often, what goes for clients also goes for other types of conversational partner. I assume you will be able to make that connection without it needing to be explicitly emphasised in the running text.

These choices come into effect from this point on and are used to avoid writing ‘him or her’, ‘his or hers’, ‘he or she’, etcetera, which would only make the book more wordy. Together with an informal writing style, directed at you as reader personally, I hope to make the book as approachable as possible.

For the rest, I attempt to find a balance between using professional language and the familiar, through which I sometimes use a juicy or humorous example to get my point across. The reasonably educated reader should have no difficulty in understanding the text, as I avoid using jargon, complicated words and abbreviations. The professional will, however, need to be fully conversant in professional terminology, so I introduce this in so-called jargon & definition boxes. This will ensure that the running text is easier to read, whilst also prepare the student for the use of professional terminology. I have tried to italicise the first occurrence of a word which is also present in one of these jargon & definition boxes.

Sources

Citing sources is an important issue in any book, and this is done in the running text, with a complete bibliography included at the end of the book. To improve readability, only the essential sources are cited; that is, only those that refer directly to the concept at hand. Furthermore, it is a matter of balancing between citing the most recent publications (which are preferred, as they contain the most recent developments) and choosing the original source, which is usually of an older date. Some concepts, like cognitive dissonance (Festinger, 1957), are used today in (almost) the exact same way as they were originally used. In such cases I have attempted always to refer to the original source.

Website

To support your learning process, a website has been created containing checklists, links to interesting or related material, etcetera.

Also use the website www.observational-listening.com

Arrangement of the Book

The book is divided into six chapters, alternating between theory and practical implementation:

- A theoretical basis for communication;

- Basic conversational skills;

- A theoretical grounding in emotions;

- Advanced conversational skills;

- A more philosophically tinted chapter on empowerment; and

- How conversational skills can best be applied in specific situations.

A quick helicopter view of the subject matter of each chapter follows:

Communication – Basic principles and theory

Communication is taken for granted – everyone communicates. Yet it is good to start by taking a good look at this self-evident truth. All communication occurs as an interaction between two or more parties, in which thoughts and feelings are transmitted via messages. In this chapter we discuss the communication process, especially from the point of view of its impossibilities – that is, the theoretical foundation underpinning why communication so often tends to fail.

Basic conversational skills

On the opposite end of the scale stand possibilities. In this chapter we deal with techniques that can be used to overcome the issues discovered in the previous chapter. As mentioned, everyone inherently communicates. As a psychosocial worker you have a leading role to play in your interactions with your client. With your conversational skills you help them take a step further to reach what they came to you for. This requires an appropriate attitude, and is supported by effective techniques. Many techniques you will already be using, and so it is all about becoming aware of them and using them more creatively, more consistently, with more awareness, and more deliberately. The result is that the effectiveness of your psychosocial conversations will increase. The term ‘observational listening’ is also introduced in this chapter.

Use skills more consistently, more creatively and deliberately

Communication at the intersection between feeling, thinking and doing

In fact, everyone should command the basic conversational skills, irrespective of whether they are giving or receiving psychosocial care. Yet the role of the psychosocial worker is about more than everyday conversations, it’s about issues that limit or disturb clients’ functioning. The difference from an everyday conversation lies in its intensity. When you know how to naturally bring depth into your conversations, you will come to the core issues more quickly, and your conversations will be more effective. This chapter lays the basis for the skills to be able to do just that.

It’s about depth

To the best of my knowledge, no book on communication skills goes this deeply into the subject of emotions and how great their effect is on what we do or don’t do. The point of departure in observational listening is that the client’s reaction to your communication plays a leading role. And to be able to correctly ‘read’ these responses and judge their value, you will need to know a little more than the clichés (it’s stating the obvious to say emotions are important).

Advanced conversational skills

Using this knowledge of emotions, we then discuss advanced conversational skills. For example, one of your tasks as a psychosocial worker is to sometimes confront clients with what they think and do. How to do that in a respectful and effective way, and also how to navigate the somewhat trickier situations, is revealed.

Empowerment, conversational roles, and attitudes

The psychosocial conversation is seldom a goal in itself. The object is to activate clients. And that action should assist them to continue their lives independently (or as independently as is possible). The hype word of the last decennium is empowerment. Psychosocial care should be less paternalistic, and should provide clients with the tools so that they can take (back) control of their own lives. Empowerment is one of the foundations of observational listening, and in this chapter that principle is discussed. Yet, to empower others you will need the skills to be able to motivate them without compromising their autonomy. This means you should be aware of what your role is and what your clients need at every stage they find themselves. The chapter closes with a summary of the key characteristics of observational listening.

Conversational models

In the final chapter, we look at a framework for structuring conversations in specific situations, and consider some important points to bear in mind in those situations. Intakes and advisory conversations will probably be the most commonly used; the remainder will probably be used less frequently.

Arrangement of Each Chapter

Each chapter commences with a short introduction, followed by the content divided into paragraphs and a conclusion to round off the chapter. Each paragraph deals with a particular subject, using case materials and examples from real practice to illustrate concepts. Where necessary, figures and tables are added for elucidation, as are the previously mentioned jargon & definition boxes. Each paragraph ends with a paragraph summary, and the chapter’s key points are summarised after the chapter conclusion. A number of suggested (theoretical) exercises follow, at this stage without an answer key. Perhaps this will later be added on the website. Then a number of suggestions for role-plays are presented …

The Importance of Role-Playing

A skill is more than just knowledge; it is knowledge applied effectively using specific behaviour. Behaviour can be learnt, and is perfected by practice. Psychosocial workers love talking, and can easily be seduced into long discussions about strategies and techniques – while talking about, you aren’t fully learning. It is only when you experience how a technique works that it becomes part of your toolkit. An ideal way to practice is via role-plays. In Paragraph 2.13 we discuss in more detail how to make these role-plays more effective.

A skill means behaviour, and behaviour needs to be practiced

So: The book can explain the theory, offer a strategy and illustrate it using a case, yet all of this is not sufficient. Every technique requires practice. Role-playing is ideally suited for that purpose.

The role-playing suggestions are offered at the end of each chapter; even though I know it would be better to read a little, try the technique out in a role-play and then read the next piece. My experience is that students often read a whole chapter (or even the whole book), and only afterwards, usually when directed to do so by their trainer or teacher, actually do their role-playing. So I follow what generally happens in practice: First read a whole chapter, then role-play!

How to Use This Book

Neuroplasticity is the idea that our brains aren’t static, but constantly in a state of change (Doidge, 2007). The basic principle is that the nature of our brains is plastic. Sounds logical, because if they were ‘fixed’, then psychosocial workers would be out of a job, as nothing would be able to change. The two governing principles of neuroplasticity are:

- ‘Use it or lose it’: Those connections between neurons (brain cells) that are no longer used gradually dissolve. Due to disuse, the network of connections loses its complexity. If you were ever good at something (a particular sport, for example) and you don’t practice for a while, your performance level drops. The finesse is what you lose first – and that is exactly this principle: Complexity in the neural network decreasing due to neural connections slowly dissolving.

- ‘What wires together, fires together’: When two neural paths are activated simultaneously and repeatedly, whenever one is activated, the other one is automatically activated also. This is the principle of association, of development of complexity. A top athlete keeps practicing, and makes minor adjustments to his technique on a micro-level. Finesse (and therefore peak performance) is the result of more neural paths being activated simultaneously. It also doesn’t matter ‘which part of the show’ you activate first, as all the associations are automatically activated at the same time. Translating this into your learning process: The more ‘entrances’ you have to a principle or skill, the easier it becomes to retrieve it from memory and reproduce it. To word it differently: The more associations, the better. This principle doesn’t only apply to top-level sport. Think about a certain smell (coffee, for example) that you associate with a certain event (relaxing whilst drinking, your mother’s kitchen, etcetera). Every time you smell coffee, several of these associations may pop into your mind at the same time.

So what does this have to do with using this book? To make the content stick better you should a) repeat and b) use more forms of simultaneous attention during your learning process. Hence the following suggestion:

1. Read a chapter;

2. Make your own summary (that is, don’t buy it online!);

3. Do the exercises;

4. Make a mind map (search ‘Tony Buzan’ on the internet, or follow the link on the website);

5. Put everything away and explain the content of the chapter to another person out loud. It isn’t important if the other actually understands, so also the dog, cat, partner, wall or mirror will do. As long as it is out loud.

6. Wherever possible, practice or use the techniques, either in role-plays or in everyday conversations.

These last two steps are the most important, as this is where you use the principles of neuroplasticity to your advantage:

- You retrieve an abstract principle from memory;

- You convert this into concrete matter;

- During a role-play, you translate this into a concrete strategy;

- Next, you make a verbal formulation of that principle or strategy;

- Which you (mechanically) transmit via speech.

In other words, you use repetition, and simultaneously use more forms of attention. A side effect of explaining what you know out loud to another person is that it forces you to arrange your thoughts. You connect the various aspects of that chapter with one another. And you notice straightaway where your understanding is lacking.

1

Communication – Basic Principles and Theory

How does the communication process work? How does a conversation come to be? What can disrupt it? These are the central questions in this chapter. These issues are approached from a theoretical point of view, so that the practical solutions offered in the next chapter will improve your chances of success. First, we will explore the process of communication itself, followed by the various threats (within the individual and in the interaction) that can disrupt it.

1.1 The Communication Process

In an ideal world, people would understand exactly what they wanted from one another. Unfortunately, people don’t always understand what someone else wants of them. In this manner, the majority of problems between people occur due to a problem in their mutual communication.

The majority of problems between people boil down to communication problems

To understand what goes awry, we will first consider the process of communication. For starters, look at the definitions in the box.

Jargon & Definition

Coding: Translating what one wishes to say into a concrete, verbal formulation.

Sending: Mechanical transmission of this formulation via speech.

Receiving: The mechanical process whereby the words spoken by the other person are heard.

Decoding: Interpreting (or giving meaning to) the words that are heard.

Serial: Tasks executed one after the other.

Parallel: Tasks executed simultaneously, that is, adjacent to one another.

Schematically, the communication process is as depicted in Figure 1.1. You think about what you want to say, formulate a message (coding), and produce it via speech. You send out your message (sending), and your client receives it (receiving). He doesn’t only hear the words, but also gives meaning to them in order to understand what you are saying. This is what is called decoding the message. Then the roles are reversed: Your client decides how to react, translates that into a verbal formulation, and sends his message back to you. In this repeated switching of roles, a conversation comes to be.

fig1-1.tif

FIGURE 1.1. SIMPLE SCHEMATIC REPRESENTATION OF THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS

The problem is that there is noise, meaning that the message as sent is received malformed. The listener doesn’t always receive the message in its original state. Noise takes on several forms.

Physical noise

Ever tried having a profound conversation on the dance floor? Sometimes there are too many other competing sources of sound in the environment, making it difficult to even hear what the other person is saying.

Physiological noise

Some people have better hearing than others. People suffering from tinnitus (a constant ringing in their ears) have trouble in filtering out that ringing noise. People also differ in how clearly they speak. Clear speech is easier to hear and understand than mumbling, for example.

Psychological noise

There are several forms of psychological noise, which can be categorised into attention issues and interpretation issues.

Divided attention means that several streams of information are competing for attention. Imagine trying to pay full attention to what your client is telling you whilst watching television and simultaneously using WhatsApp on your smartphone. Because you need to divide your attention in such a scenario, you literally don’t hear half of what the other is saying. The missing pieces you fill in yourself, so that you think you have heard the whole message. Research into multitasking (simultaneously executing several tasks) shows that executing tasks serially (that is, one after the other) is more efficient than parallel execution (Ophir, Nass & Wagner, 2009). This goes for both men and women – only men seem to be affected more than women. So women might, on average, be marginally better at multitasking, but it still has a negative effect on their performance.

Another division of attention problem is due to your own thoughts. When you are distracted, under stress, or too busy asking yourself how you should react, this draws attention away from understanding what the other is trying to say. When you don’t hear everything, you fill in the gaps in information yourself.

If you look at Figure 1.1 again, you will notice that there is another area where communication can go wrong: The processes of coding and decoding. A message will be perfectly understood only if the listener decodes the message using the exact same rules as the sender uses to code the message. Coding and decoding have everything to do with interpretation and giving meaning to your intentions, or to those of the other. This is clearly a problem, as each individual is unique and by definition gives particular meaning and interpretation to what is said. So, even if the message is received mechanically unscathed, it is distorted during the decoding process. Despite giving your full attention to what the other is telling you, noise enters the equation due to differences in your mutual frames of reference, causing you to interpret each other’s thoughts in your own way. We will delve deeper into these frames of reference in Paragraph 1.4.

Also, language barriers lead to interpretation problems. When the client uses a heavy dialect with which you aren’t familiar, or speaks a foreign language, you will have more difficulty understanding him.

Dealing with noise

Create a Peaceful Environment

You will never be able to entirely eliminate noise, but you can see to it that its effects are limited. For starters, you can arrange a peaceful environment where there is less competition between several streams of information. When you visit clients at home, ask that the television be switched off during the conversation. See to it that you switch your smartphone to silent mode, and ask that your clients give their phones a short break. Use clear, uncluttered speech. As for creating peace in your own mind, we will get to that in Paragraph 2.1.

Noise in its several forms (physical, physiological and psychological) can therefore cause a message to be understood differently than intended. We have been concentrating on how noise affects our ability to concentrate. Let’s take a step back and ask this question: Why is it important that the other understands you in the first place? This why question is the subject of the next paragraph.

The communication process is an interaction between two parties: A sender and a receiver. The sender codes what he wants to say and sends the message, which is received by the other and subsequently decoded. In decoding, the receiver tries to understand the meanings and intentions of the sender. Noise in the communication process means that messages are incorrectly or only partially understood, raising the risk for mutual misunderstanding. Noise takes on several forms – physical, physiological and psychological – and draws attention away from the message being received. A peaceful environment and clear, uncluttered speech can reduce the effects of noise.

1.2 The Reason We Communicate and the

Elements in a Message

So why do people want to communicate with one another? Is it just making noise because people are supposed to be social animals? Could be. But that raises another question: Why are we social beings? When looking at the human being, there are certain conditions and needs that must be fulfilled. On the one hand, these are material things (a healthy body, clothes, food and shelter, etcetera). On the other, we have psychological needs. The latter can be divided into three basic psychological needs:

- A feeling of safety (the idea that we can influence the environment)

- A feeling of connection (the idea that you belong and that others will care for you and you for them)

- A feeling of autonomy (the idea that you can be who you are and make your own decisions)

In order to be happy, these basic needs need to be fulfilled to some degree, and then a fourth principle comes into play: The feeling of purpose, the feeling that your life is worthwhile, that your life has meaning.

Although communication has a connection to all four, it is especially the first two needs where communication is essential. The bottom line is that we need each other; we are interdependent, especially in terms of safety and in terms of connection with one another. It is therefore essential that we can communicate what we need from each other. You communicate with someone because you need something from him or you want something from him. Even when your only goal is that the other understands you, this is in itself a wish, something you want from him. And usually we want others to understand us so that they will do something (or not do something) which is in our own interest.

You communicate because you want something from the other

In short, communication serves a purpose. Psychosocial workers have several reasons for wanting to communicate with their clients, amongst others, because they want to:

- know what their clients are dealing with;

- understand how they think;

- understand what motivates their behaviour;

- give clients insight into their situation;

- give them advice on how to deal with their situation; and/or

- motivate them to follow through on their advice.

How, then, do we come to know what the other wants from us? To put it another way, how do we interpret another’s message? To understand that, we must look at the four elements contained in every message (Shulz von Thun, 2010), as depicted in Figure 1.2. For example, when your partner says, perhaps slightly sarcastically, ‘But you know that, honey!’ then:

- The first element is the literal message. The factual meaning of the words. You take what is said literally (in this case, that you have knowledge about the issue at hand).

- What is said isn’t entirely about the receiver; information about the sender is revealed in what is known as the self-expressive element. It yields information on how the sender sees himself. Our imaginary partner lets us know that he thinks he knows quite a lot about the subject too.

fig1-2.tif

FIGURE 1.2. THE FOUR ELEMENTS IN A MESSAGE, ADAPTED FROM SCHULZ VON THUN (2010)

- The message also says something about how the sender sees the relationship between sender and receiver. Your imaginary partner seems to think it necessary to educate you, that you should have known something or taken something into account; and he is precisely the one to teach you this lesson. He casts himself as the ‘clever one’ and you as the ‘simpleton who needs constant direction’.

- And last but not least, the sender wants something from you – this is the appeal he is making via his message. Maybe your imaginary alpha-partner wants you to figuratively take a deep bow before him; or the subtitles could read: ‘Don’t bother me with this kind of thing’.

Shulz von Thun’s model is inspired by Watzlawick (Watzlawick, Helmick Beavin & Jackson, 1967), a systemic therapist from California who emphasises communication in dealing with family relationship issues. Watzlawick distinguishes between content and relationship. The factual element and Watzlawick’s content are the same, and by ‘relationship’ he means both the self-expressive and the relational elements in Schulz von Thun’s model. To illustrate, your partner comes into the room and says: ‘Brrr. It’s cold in here!’ On the content level he is saying that the temperature in this room is rather low. On the relationship level, it depends on how the message is brought to you. If the tone is cooperative, he sees an egalitarian relationship between you, and he could easily continue with: ‘Shall I turn up the heating a little?’ If the tone is a little more biting, he places himself above you, wants to show who is boss. The subtitle then reads: ‘Why didn’t you turn the heating up on time?’

Jargon & Definition

Content, or factual element: The literal meaning of the words spoken.

Expressive element (or self-expressive element): What the message says about how the sender sees himself.

Relational element: Reveals how the sender sees the relationship between the sender and receiver.

Appeal: What the sender wants from the receiver.

It is important to realise that all four elements are transmitted simultaneously in one and the same message. It isn’t a categorisation of different kinds of message. In every message, all four elements are always and automatically transmitted.

Watzlawick offers another basic principle: You cannot not communicate. For example, ignoring someone on a regular basis sends a powerful message, one which will not be misunderstood. Also, when you simply keep quiet, the context, your posture, your facial expression, etcetera – all could give different meanings to your silence. So, even your silence communicates something. Similarly, you cannot switch off any of the four elements in the message – they simply are there.

You cannot not communicate

People therefore look to more than just the words when they interpret a message. Just varying the tone can immediately lead to an entirely different interpretation. Let’s say that ‘But you know that, honey!’ is said in a supportive tone, instead of sarcastically. Only the factual element remains the same. With all the other elements an entirely different message is being communicated.

Ever had a discussion about something trivial with your partner? About how to correctly screw the lid onto the toothpaste (or where to squeeze the tube)? Or why the cheese really must be on the right hand side of the refrigerator? How would you explain such trivialities using the four elements in the message? The question is about what the issue really is. Probably not the lid or the cheese. Usually the issue concerns the mutual relationship, and the discussion is fought out via content.

Disagreements are fought out via content

When a discussion arises in which each of the parties repeatedly brings in arguments (that is, on the content level), you can predict that the discussion will only persist. For everything that one person brings in, the other will bring in a counter-argument and vice versa. It is therefore fairly pointless to convince the other that you are right by using clever, factual arguments. It is better to step off the content level and concentrate on the relational level, or address what it is the other wants, for example by saying: ‘I notice we are only trying to convince each other. I think that isn’t really the issue. What do we actually want from each other?’ During couples counselling I often recommend: ‘It doesn’t really matter who began the discussion, it’s about who ends it’.

Another kind of misunderstanding occurs when you place the emphasis on one element and the other chooses a different one. Like the teenage daughter who interprets literally what her mother tells her: ‘You said I should change before I go out’ while wearing an equally skimpy dress as the previous one. The mother places emphasis on the appeal (less nakedness); and the daughter places it on the content (something different). And even if the mother specifically says ‘less bare’, the new outfit need only be marginally less bare than the previous one if you interpret the message literally. Back to ‘But you know that, honey!’ Brought up in a supportive tone, it perhaps means that you shouldn’t get yourself so wound up about what another has said, and you retort: ‘Yes, rub it in!’ Apparently each places emphasis on different elements: His on the appeal (don’t let others get under your skin) and yours on the relational (stop telling me what I’m doing wrong).

What the other understands is more important than what you mean

As might be apparent in the examples, the interpretations given aren’t the only ones. Each element can be interpreted in a number of ways. And the way that a particular interpretation goes, depends on the person making that interpretation: His history, sensitivities and blind spots, etcetera. What is important is that what is meant by the message is less important that what the other understands. The other reacts to what he has understood! The well-trained psychosocial worker is less concerned with her intentions, and busies herself with the reaction her message elicits in her clients. The reaction, both in facial expression and in words, tells her what her clients have understood. More about this in Paragraph 2.1.

Before we get down to how people interpret others’ messages, we need to look at the various channels people use. That is the subject of the next paragraph.

People communicate because they are interdependent: We need each other to be able to survive. People need to be able to indicate what they need, and they use their messages to tell others what they want. Each message has two levels: That of the content and that of the relationship. The content is about the literal meaning of the words, whereas on the relationship level it is about how the sender sees the relationship between himself and the receiver. Another categorisation is to divide it into the four elements contained in every message: Next to the factual, the literal element is the (self-) expressive element (how the sender thinks about himself), the relational element (how the sender sees the relationship between sender and receiver) and the appeal (what the sender wants from the receiver). All four elements are packaged into one and the same message. It is also impossible not to communicate. Misunderstandings occur when sender and receiver each place the emphasis on a different