Don’T Call Me Mama

By Maxine Sue Feller

One night, as Mama bathed me, I asked why she didnt paint her nails.
Who have you seen wearing nail polish? she asked.
The blond lady Daddy takes me to see on Sundays.
After my parents were divorced, I overheard Grandma say, Yetta, your baggage will hamper you from finding another husband. So as Mama bathed me, she said, Dont call me Mama.
Hearing this was hurtful. My father hadnt taken me with him when he left. Now, I felt Mama no longer wanted me. I was four years old. Who would take care of me?
It was a desperate, sometimes devastating journey through the depths of despair I lived daily as a preschooler. Then it was a tumultuous adolescence with my malicious grandmother.
How did I find the courage to survive the journey through these challenges? You will find it an exciting yet uplifting reading experience.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 28, 2015
• ISBN: 9781514420249

Maxine Sue Feller

Maxine is dedicated to inspiring her readers to reach out to spiritual heights to achieve more than they thought possible and is a best-selling author. Refresh yourself by reading one of her books.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

W hen I read The milestones in the life of a person are birth, school, graduation, work, marriage, divorce, retirement, and death in the epilogue of Joseph Campbell’s book The Hero with a Thousand Faces , I was very surprised. Until that moment, I’d thought that the milestones of my life were incidents that caused dramatic changes as I grew up.

My earliest memory began on a June morning in 1936 when I was awakened by Mama’s voice screaming, Wake up, Max! My brother is here, waiting to take you along with him.

I loved to be with my nine-year-old uncle Larry. It meant having fun. Often, he told me he loved me. Quickly I washed, and pulled on my oversized sunsuit. I left the front bedroom I shared with my parents and ran across the hall, past the locked closet and the rear bedroom where Aunt Jean lived with Uncle Joe and my cousin Melvin. Holding on to the wooden banister, I went downstairs.

Mama handed me a slice of bread and butter, and Uncle Larry hoisted his three-year-old niece onto his shoulders. Mama opened the door for us. I waved to my sissy cousin Melvin, who was eating a bowl of oatmeal at the table.

As Larry hurried to the street corner where the boys were waiting for us, I clung tightly to his neck. I was glad Larry wanted me to be with him, and not Melvin.

Here comes Larry, one of them said, and passed him the bag of candy that brownshirted Otto had brought with him.

What are we doing for fun today? Larry asked.

Otto stroked his yellow hair and rubbed his chin. We’re going to throw snowballs.

I was surprised to hear him say that. It was June, and there was no snow on the ground.

Dum ta dum, the boys sang as they galloped after him on their imaginary horses. Otto stopped in front of a big wooden house down the street.

The hydrangea bushes growing on the lawn were covered with large white flowers. I was amazed. They really did look like snowballs.

Larry put me down on the lawn.

Otto tore off one of the blossoms and said, Add pebbles to these snowballs, and we’ll throw them at the people who pass by.

I pulled off a flower too, but I didn’t add pebbles to it. We hurled our balls at two teenage girls who were walking by.

Ouch! they cried out, and ran away.

The boys all laughed. Then, I saw a lady holding the hand of her small child coming toward us. I didn’t think the boys would throw snowballs at her, but I was wrong. They assaulted her with their projectiles.

Then the brave woman raised her arm and pointed at Otto, who was the oldest boy in the group. She shouted, You Nazi brownshirt leaders are a bad influence on these children!

He merely pulled off another blossom and laced it with pebbles to throw at her.

Suddenly the front door opened, and a burly man dressed in an undershirt and pants went outside. Otto screamed Yipes! and dropped the flower and ran. All the boys ran after him, and I did too.

The owner of the house bounded down the stairs and chased after us. He caught hold of my sunsuit straps and spun me around. I saw the man raise his hairy arm to hit me and scrunched my eyes shut in anticipation of what was to happen.

When no blow landed on me, I cautiously opened my eyes and saw the man had lowered his arm. Shaking his head, he said I no hit babies and then walked back into his house.

Feeling insulted at being called a baby, I stamped my foot on the sidewalk and shouted I no baby! I know where I live and went home.

Later in the day, I waited for Larry to come to the house and read to me in the front room. While I was waiting, I looked at the pictures in the Grimm’s Fairy Tales book. Larry had read these stories to me many times. I knew them by heart. I enjoyed sitting next to him. Larry came home and asked, Are you okay, Max?

I nodded.

We were worried about leaving you. Come outside and show the boys that you’re all right.

As we walked toward the back porch, I realized no one stayed to see what had happened. Larry pushed open the screen door, and we stood on the wooden back porch. I looked down at their upturned faces. Max, tell us what happened, they said. Well, I’m not going to tell them I’m a baby and the man let go of me.

Instead, I made up a story. The man caught me, I said, and I raised my fists and yelled, ‘You let me go, or I will hit you!’ And the man let me go.

On hearing my heroic tale, the boys murmured in wonder. Then Otto shouted, Nah! He let her go ’cause she’s a girl.

I thought, To be a girl is worse than being called a baby. I no girl!

Several boys snickered, and Otto jeered, Go ask your mama if you don’t believe me, and they all laughed.

CHAPTER 2

U pset, I turned and pulled open the screen door to run inside to search for Mama. I found her on her knees, scrubbing the bathroom tiles with nasty-smelling stuff. Am I a girl?

Surprised by my question, she stopped what she was doing. She looked up at me and said, Of course you’re a girl, Maxine.

I stamped my foot. No! I’m not a girl. Uncle Larry takes me along to be with the boys.

Larry takes care of you while I do the housework. Tonight, when I bathe you and Melvin, I’ll show you why you’re not a boy.

Mama placed me in the tub first tonight and then dangled Melvin’s body in front of my face. I saw he had something between his legs I didn’t have.

Hmm. I don’t have that thing between my legs. Is that what makes him a boy? If it comes off, can I put it on me?

Mama left us to get a bath towel, and I grabbed his boy thing and tried to yank it off.

Oww! he wailed.

It didn’t come off. So I agreed I must be a girl. I thought, Tomorrow, I’ll stay at home and see what girls do for fun.

In the morning, I washed, dressed, and walked downstairs. I could hear Mama, Aunt Jean, and Grandma talking in the kitchen. When I entered the room, Mama giggled and pointed at me. Max thought she was a boy!

The women all laughed at me. Mama had squealed on me. Furious with her, I saw red and charged at her, hitting and kicking her with all my might.

Everyone stopped laughing. Mama grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back. Then she forced me to go back upstairs. She unlocked the dreaded hall closet. Grandma had told me a monster lived inside

Mama pushed me inside and locked the door and shouted, You’ll stay in there until your father comes home!

I was scared the monster was going to hurt me. It was very dark in the closet. Terrified, I banged on the door. Let me out!

In the blackness, I felt something touch my head. The closet monster wants to eat me! I fought it back until it no longer dared to touch me. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty, I pounded on the door. Let me out!

No one came to open the door. I was hungry and had to pee. I wailed, It’s no fun to be a girl.

Daddy came home, and the closet was unlocked. Angry voices awakened me. I rubbed my eyes and saw there was no monster lying on the floor beside me. Strewn about me were shredded shirts and dresses. Grandma had not told me the truth.

Mama shouted, See what a monster your daughter is. You must punish her!

My six-foot-two-inch daddy plucked me from the closet. I was frightened as he carried me into the bedroom and closed the door.

He put me down and unfastened his leather belt. He’s going to whip me with it. I whimpered, Daddy, I want to be just like you.

He folded the belt in half then knelt beside me and whispered, When I snap my belt, you cry out like I’m hurting you.

I didn’t understand what he’d told me to do. Daddy made a snapping noise with his belt. Cry out, he encouraged me, and snapped the belt again.

Ouch! Whaa! I cried, making believe Daddy was hurting me.

On the other side of the door, I heard Mama laughing. That’s it! Hit her some more.

I felt sad she was happy to think Daddy was hurting me. He snapped his belt several times, and I shed real tears, hearing Mama’s laughter. Mama is not my friend. I was glad we were fooling her.

I thought Daddy was my friend and hugged his legs. I didn’t speak to Mama for a long time.

CHAPTER 3

I t was decided Melvin and I should no longer be bathed together. Mama washed him first. Then, she would lower me into his dirty bathwater and soaped up a washcloth to clean me. I did not like it that he went in before me.

Several nights later, I asked, Mama, why don’t you paint your fingernails?

She chuckled and asked, Who do you know that wears nail polish?

The blonde lady Daddy takes me to see when we go out on Sundays.

Mama stopped washing me and screamed Ma!

Then, I heard Grandma huffing and puffing as she pulled her overweight body up the steps. She entered the bathroom and panted, What’s wrong?

Mama shouted, Tell her what you just told me!

I didn’t think I’d said anything to get her so upset and was hesitant to repeat it. Mama shook me. Maxine, tell her, she said, and slapped me across the face.

Weeping, I repeated what I’d said. Then they left the bathroom, leaving me alone in the tub. Uncle Larry came upstairs and dried me off and put me to bed.

He tucked me in, and I asked, What’s wrong?

He replied, You did a bad thing.

What did I do?

You’re a snitch. You squealed on your father. Nothing will ever be the same in this house again.

Do you still love me? He did not reply. Frightened and weeping, I pulled the blanket over my three-year-old head.

Later that night, I was awakened by something that had been dropped on the foot of my bed. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I sat up and saw it was a suitcase. Mama screamed at Daddy, You get out of this house!

He took his clothes from the dresser and placed them into the open case. He didn’t say a word. Then he closed the lid and locked it. I waited for him to give me a signal to go along with him, but no sign came. He carried it out of the room and hurried downstairs.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the open window and shouted, Daddy! I thought he’d forgotten me and was hoping he’d come back to get me. However, he got into his car and drove away. He didn’t even turn to wave good-bye.

I was unhappy to be left with Mama. She snarled, See! He doesn’t love you anymore either.

CHAPTER 4

T he following day, I awoke and went downstairs. At the kitchen door, Grandma placed a finger at the side of her nose and said, Little pitchers have big ears.

I understood her to mean I was a snitch and no longer welcome in her kitchen. Feeling sad, I looked at the pictures in a book and sat on the front-room floor. When I finished, I watched through the windows the people passing by the house. Where are they going? I wondered, and wished I could go there too.

Sometimes, I would sit on the stoop in front of our house and look at my picture books or play games with my stuffed animals. Frequently, a long black car would park at the curb and stay there for a long time. I saw the man and the woman who sat in the rear of the car watch me as I played.

One day, I was sitting on the brick steps, weeping, when the car came and parked at the curb. The man was alone. He saw I was crying and got out of the car. He walked over to me. He was wearing a white suit and straw hat. He asked, Why are you crying?

I didn’t tell him Mama had shouted You’re just like your father. One day, I’ll throw you out too! Instead, I told him that I wanted an ice-cream cone.

Come to the corner store with me, and I’ll buy one for you.

I went along with the kind man, and he asked me what flavor I wanted.

Chocolate, please, I said, and he bought one for me.

I took a lick from it. Then, he asked, Are you happy now?

I sighed heavily and lied, Yes, thank you.

The man held my hand and walked me back to my house. He knocked on the door. Grandma opened it, and he went inside to speak with her and Mama.

When he came out, he waved good-bye and got into the backseat of his car. Then, it drove away.

The following day, workmen arrived to install a wire fence around the front of our house. I watched them work while I was seated at the window. I had no idea the kind man was a wealthy childless man who had offered to adopt me.

Fearing the man might steal me, Grandma and Mama arranged to have a fence installed to prevent him from doing so. I was told to go down to the basement, where Grandma lived with her sons, Albert and Larry.

My uncle Al was training to be a bodybuilder. He asked me to pick up and attach weights to the ends of the bar he practiced lifting when he called out for more weight.

At first, I could only lift one-pound weights, but after several weeks, I was able to carry a three-pound circle of weight to attach to the end of his bar.

Several months later, Larry came to me and said, Otto says you can join the gang, Max, if you will do what he asks you to do.

I was glad for a chance to be with the boys again. It was no fun helping Uncle Al or sitting around the house day after day. We walked up the street to where the boys were standing at the corner. Otto said, Max, boys are better than girls. Boys are strong! Do you think that you are strong?

I nodded my head and heard some of the boys snicker.

Do you want to be in my gang?

I nodded again, and he chuckled, Well, if you can punch one of my boys and make him bleed, then you can join the gang. Okay?

I nodded again. Then, Otto ordered the boys to line up so I could pick out one to punch. Slowly I walked along in front of the lined-up boys. They were taller than me. It would be foolish of me to pick a tall boy to punch.

I had no idea the weeks I’d spent helping Uncle Al with his weight-lifting had helped me to strengthen my muscles. I stopped in front of my cousin Melvin. He was only a little bigger than me. I remembered I’d overheard Aunt Jean complain he had a weak nose. So I clenched my fist and punched him on the nose as hard as I could.

To my delight and the surprise of the group, blood spurted out, and Melvin ran home crying, Mama!

Otto scowled. A girl can’t be in my gang, he said, and walked away. It was then I understood he’d meant me to be the fun of the day.

The boys were no longer laughing. She did it fair and square, one of them said. They talked it over for a few more minutes. Then, it was agreed I should be allowed to join. They all patted me on the back and welcomed me as a new member.

As Larry walked me home, I wondered if I wanted to be friends with boys who had wanted to laugh at me. Hmm.

We entered the house, and I overheard Aunt Jean say, Maxine is a hooligan. Look what she did to my son.

Larry whispered, Melvin is a snitch. He can’t be in our gang anymore.

CHAPTER 5

O n Saturday morning, Larry took me to the big yellow brick house where Otto lived. We entered through the side door in the driveway. The room was wood-paneled, and there was a photo of a man with a short mustache, and a long red banner with a black spider hanging on the wall. Otto stood next to a desk piled high with printed papers. He called each boy by name and gave him a stack of papers to hand out on various street corners. I wondered what task he had in mind for me to do.

After the boys were gone, Otto unbuckled his pants and pulled down his underclothes below his knees. He took hold of his boy thing and said, If you want to be in my gang, Max, then come over here and open your mouth.

I knew that to be in his gang, I must do what Otto said. He wants to pee in my mouth. Yuck! So I fled out the door and ran home. I didn’t tell anyone about what had happened.

On Monday, Larry came home with a black eye. I thought it was my fault for not doing what Otto asked of me.

Larry was attacked by his former friends from the anti-Semite gang led by Otto, and neither of us snitched.

One evening at supper, I overheard Mama say she was divorcing her husband. I was four years old and didn’t know what she meant.

Later, I asked Larry, What’s a divorce?

He explained my father was no longer going to sleep in this house. My sister would have to go out and find a job.

I felt disappointed Daddy hadn’t taken me with him when he left. Sigh. Then, I remembered I had snitched on him. Oh, he hadn’t taken me because he’s mad at me. It was good Larry loved me and could explain what was happening around here. I believed everything bad was my fault.

Several months later, Mama opened a letter that had come to the house. She read it to Grandma. My divorce decree is final. Then, I saw her tear it up into little pieces.

Grandma said, Maxine, go outside and play. I overheard her say, Yetta, it’s easy for a man to remarry. He has no baggage left with him. It won’t be easy for you with a child. Larry is six years older than Maxine. It will be better for you to say she is my child also.

That night while Mama bathed me, she said, Maxine, don’t call me Mama anymore.

I thought, Mama is mad at me. It’s my fault Daddy doesn’t sleep here anymore. I’m a rotten squealer. She doesn’t want to be my mother. I felt brokenhearted.

As she dried me off, she said, From now on, I want you to call me Yetta, and call Grandma Mama. Don’t ask me any questions or tell anyone about what I’m telling you. Just do as I say, and never tell the neighbors what goes on in our house. Then, she ushered me to my bed.