Successful Parenting: The Greatest Gift to Give Your Child

By Grant Aram Killian Ph.D.

For parents seeking the best in life for their children; this book is filled with practical application models to ensure optimal parenting, a must-have, and unlike no other parenting book. Parents, psychotherapists, educators, students and those who work with children, will find this book a phenomenal addition to their repertoire of knowledge concerning children. All who seek to nurture children and insure their success will want to own this amazing reference and go to book for parents and professionals seeking optimal success. Approximately twenty-five percent of an individuals life is spent learning with ones parents. Parenting is the most significant variable in a childs and an adults life as humans have the most extended parenting enduring longer than the lifetime of most animals. Nothing ever affects the formation of an individuals personality and habits more than the teachings of being with ones family. Successful parenting is the greatest gift one can give to ones child, see www.killianphd.com

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 21, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524642877

Grant Aram Killian Ph.D.

Grant Aram Killian graduated Tabor Academy in 1967 with honors in Geology and Naval Science; worked at Walter Fernald State School before residing in Paris 1968-1970. Received from New College, B.A. 1972; University of Chicago M.A. 1975 and Ph.D. 1982 while being the recipient of the National Research Service Award, publishing articles prior to his Ph.D. He was a Doctoral Professor in the School of Psychology at Nova Southeastern University 1982-1993, continued to publish, and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Private Practice since 1983 to the present, see www.killianphd.com

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© 2016 Grant Aram Killian, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Published by AuthorHouse 11/14/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4288-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4289-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-4287-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016917734

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Contents

To all the readers of this book.

Preface

Chapter 1:    The Sales Pitch for Parenting as Learning

Parenting, Cumulative Scientific Wisdom for a Paradigm Shift {1}

IQ, The Terrible Twos, and Self-Concept {2}

Effects of Psychiatric Medications {3}

Nature and DNA v. Nurture and Learning {4}

Bias {5}

Placebo Effect {6}

Hypnosis {7}

Halo Effect {8}

Observational Learning No One Talks About: Sexting & Pornography {9}

Chapter 2:    Applied Scientific Learning Terms

Observational Learning {10}

Modeling Aggression {11}

Irrational Beliefs and Errors in Thinking {12}

Violence and Retaliation {13}

Bibliotherapy {14}

Identification {15}

Superheroes {16}

Fairy Tales: A Pocket Full of Magic {17}

Movies and Film {18}

Operant Learning Techniques Overview {19}

Flowchart of Learning Proceedures - Figure 1 {20}

Learning by Positive Reinforcement (R+), Catching Them Doing It Right {21}

Rate, Duration, Magnitude, and Latency {22}

Consequence, Catch Them If You Can {23}

Stimulus {24}

Behavior and Problem Behaviors {25}

Self-Concepts {26}

Positive Reinforcement Diagram—Figure 2 {27}

Base Rate {28}

Shaping, Catching Them Getting Better {29}

Fade, Catching Them Not Needing Praise {30}

Learning by Differential Reinforcement of Incompatible Behavior {31}

Learning by Differential Reinforcement of Other Behavior {32}

Learning by Differential Reinforcement of Low Response Rate {33}

Learning by Differential Reinforcement of High Rate {34}

Learning by Token Economy {35}

Premack Principle {36}

Learning by Negative Reinforcement, R- {37}

Negative Reinforcement Diagram—Figure 3 {38}

Learning by Correction {39}

Learning by Self-Correction and Effort {40}

Learning by Practice {41}

Learning by Positive Practice {42}

Learning by Overcorrection {43}

Extinction: You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling {44}

Timeout, Give Peace a Chance {45}

Timeout Diagram—Figure 4 {46}

Learning by Punishment {47}

Learning by Positive Punishment {48}

Positive Punishment Diagram—Figure 5 {49}

Learning by Negative Punishment {50}

Negative Punishment Diagram—Figure 6 {51}

Learning by Stimulus Control {52}

Stimulus Control Diagram—Figure 7 {53}

Learning by Stimulus Generalization {54}

Schedules for Learning Procedures {55}

Fixed Ratio, FR {56}

Variable Ratio, VR {57}

Fixed Interval, FI {58}

Variable Interval, VI {59}

Best Schedules for Parenting {60}

Initiating Behaviors, Guidelines, and Tips {61}

Initiating Behaviors Using Stimulus Control {62}

Initiating Behaviors, Guiding, and Shaping the Practice {63}

Initiating Behaviors Using the Top-Secret Method {64}

Twenty to Thirty Consistent Successful Repetitions {65}

Two Second Rule {66}

Importance of Signal Detection {67}

These Boots Are Made for Walking {68}

How to Give Commands and Praise {69}

Verbal Commands, Style {70}

Verbal Commands, Content {71}

Verbal Comments {72}

Verbal Praise and Awards {73}

Rewards {74}

Quotations {75}

Empathy, Validation, Active Listening, and No-Lose Scenario {76}

Door Openers {77}

Attitudes for Active Listening {78}

Decoding {79}

Problem Ownership {80}

I-Messages {81}

Active Listening {82}

No-Lose Method {83}

Annoyance Prevention Seven-Step Conflict Resolution Technique {84}

Step 1. Neutral Identification of Situation {85}

Step 2. Empathy and Understanding for the Situation {86}

Step 3. Responsibility for the Situation {87}

Step 4. Creative Solutions for the Situation {88}

Step 5. Solution Selection {89}

Step 6. Perform the Solution {90}

Step 7. Reevaluation {91}

Cognitive Inoculation and Restructuring {92}

Parental State of Mind {93}

Emotionally Enmeshed and Emotionally Distant {94}

Emotional Detachment {95}

Personalization and Negative Feedback {96}

Chapter 3:    Applied Learning Models

Back to Basics: Loss of Eye Contact, Come, and the Parental Relationship {97}

Love, Correction, Training, and Practice {98}

Loss of Eye Contact and Command Compliance {99}

Learning Flow Chart Eye Contact—Figure 8 {100}

Eye Contact Avoidance {101}

Get Eye Contact to Reoccur, Tilt Chin Up, and Look Who Is Talking {102}

Learning Flow Chart No Eye Contact—Figure 9 {103}

Stimulus Control—Yodel and Look Who Is Talking {104}

Steps to Learn to Tie Shoes, Print and Copy, Cursive {105}

Tying Shoes {106}

Printing {107}

Cursive {108}

Bullying and Harassment: Reinforcement of Victimization {109}

Learning Flow Chart Harassment—Figure 10 {110}

Empathy, Validation, Active Listening, and No-Lose Scenario {111}

Encourage and Reinforce Problem Solving {112}

Positive Practice, Overcorrection, Rehearsal, and Solution {113}

Hold Your Head Up High {114}

Identification with Superhero Overcoming Fear {115}

Cognitive Inoculation {116}

Annoyance Prevention Seven-Step Conflict Resolution Technique {117}

Bibliotherapy and Fairy Tales on Bullying and Harassment {118}

Quotations, Awards, and Movies on Bullying and Harassment {119}

Homework: Wants Help, Gives Up, Inattention, and Procrastination {120}

Learning Flow Chart Homework—Figure 11 {121}

Empathetic Validation, Active Listening, and No-Lose Scenario {122}

Fixed Interval (FI) Schedule {123}

Variable Interval (VI) Schedule {124}

Token Economy {125}

Differential Reinforcement of High Rate {126}

Concentration Games for Memory and Homework {127}

Identification with Superheroes, Not Giving Up {128}

Cognitive Inoculation {129}

Annoyance Prevention Seven-Step Conflict Resolution Technique {130}

Bibliotherapy, Fairy Tales on Inattention and Procrastination {131}

Quotations, Awards, and Movies on Inattention and Procrastination {132}

Homework Problems: Messy Millie Little Effort and Task Incompletion {133}

Empathetic Validation, Active Listening, and No-Lose Scenario {134}

Encourage and Reinforce Problem-Solving Skills {135}

Positive Practice and Overcorrection {136}

Fixed Interval (FI) Schedule {137}

Variable Interval (VI) Schedule {138}

Token Economy {139}

Differential Reinforcement of Low Response Rate {140}

Identification with Superhero Overcoming Messiness {141}

Cognitive Inoculation: Shipshape and Neat v. Messy {142}

Bibliotherapy, Fairy Tales on Messiness and Little Effort {143}

Quotations, Awards, and Movies on Messiness and Little Effort {144}

Pestering and Repeated Questioning—the Nud Nick {145}

Shaping Positive Reinforcement and Practice Etiquette {146}

Fixed Interval (FI) Schedule {147}

Variable Interval [VI] Schedule {148}

Token Economy {149}

Differential Reinforcement of Low Response Rate {150}

Modeling, Shaping, Reinforcement, Practice, and Overcorrection {151}

Identification with Superhero Overcoming Pestering {152}

Cognitive Inoculation {153}

Annoyance Prevention Seven-Step Conflict Resolution Technique {154}

Bibliotherapy & Fairy Tales on Pestering & Repeating {155}

Quotations, Awards, and Movies on Pestering {156}

Saying No, Interrupting, and Back Talk Billy {157}

Initiating, Guiding, Practicing, and No Becomes Yes {158}

Interrupting {159}

Back Talk Billy, Sarcasm, Eye Rolling, and Grimacing {160}

Interval Schedule Coupled with Negative Punishment {161}

Token Economy {162}

Differential Reinforcement of Low Response Rate {163}

Identification with Superhero Back Talk and Interruptions {164}

Bibliotherapy and Fairy Tales on Back Talk and Interrupting {165}

Quotations and Awards on Back Talk and Interrupting {166}

Chapter 4:    Single Case Applied Learning Model

Accidents and Financial Responsibility {167}

Preoccupied — No Response When Called {168}

Biting, Hitting, and Kicking Mom {169}

Pulling Toilet and Tissue Paper, Throwing Objects {170}

Bedroom (Nocturnal Enuresis), Toilet, and Kitchen Hygiene {171}

Toddler Runs Away from Mommy: Negative Reinforcement {172}

Slamming Doors: Positive Practice and Negative Punishment {173}

Putting It All Together: Depression, Anger, and Inattention {174}

Initiating, Giving Commands, and Better Mind State {175}

Self-Concept, Cognitive Inoculation, and Reframing {176}

Quotations and Self-Concepts {177}

Practice Quotations {178}

Anger Quotations {179}

Awards for Achievement {180}

Interval Training for Attention and Reducing Anger {181}

Child Records Performance {182}

Annoyance Prevention {183}

Movies {184}

Chapter 5:    Odds and Ends

Teachers Are a Godsend {185}

The Need for Better Educational TV Channels {186}

It Is Easier Said than Done {187}

It Is Their Personality — It Cannot be Changed {188}

Caveat {189}

Wits’ End {190}

References

Web Links

To all the readers of this book.

To the enduring Armenian spirit that made it possible for all of my grandparents to flee the Armenia Massacre in 1915. They all gave me the miracle of life and the force to write previous articles and this book for parents, teachers, and mental health providers.

To all the survivors who have had to flee their country to survive the massacres, genocides, and holocausts and all the people who have tried to survive and bring about future generations through parenting so that humanity can prosper on this planet.

To better parenting, this is where it all begins.

To my Grandpee Aram Mazmanian, my savior and namesake,

and my great-grandmother Kookalo Maritza Marootian,

who held me in her arms and had her wrist tattooed with numbers by the Ottoman Empire, which Hitler then copied by numbering millions of Jews.

To my family, who fled Armenia during the 1915 Death March.

To Maritza Marootian, born 1882 in Armenia,

Kookalo, my maternal great-grandmother.

To Aram (Harry) Mazmanian, born 1895 in Armenia,

Grandpee, my maternal grandfather.

Araxie (Roxy) Marootian, born 1902 in Armenia,

Roxy, my maternal grandmother.

Garabed Hovannes Kechejian, born 1887 in Turkey,

my unknown paternal grandfather.

Higuii (Helen) Magoulian, born in Armenia,

Tootsie, my paternal grandmother.

Higuii (Helen) married John Baronian after Garabed died, taking his last name,

Also known as Grandpee, my paternal step-grandfather.

I will never forget hearing about that day in Armenia in 1915, as Kookalo and Roxy told me when I was a child Massachusetts. In Armenia, the men on horses came to the home and surrounded their land with guns. Roxy’s dad (my great-granddad) was first killed with bullets. Roxy’s mom (my great-grandma) who was Kookalo’s sister was taken as she ran to her husband, and then she was dragged away and raped. Roxy’s brother ran to save his mom, but he was captured. Enemies on horses dragged him around. Then they tied to his two legs with ropes, hammered wooden stakes into the ground, and tied both of his arms to the stakes so that he had to watch his mother being raped. The horses with ropes pulled his legs tight as he watched. As she yelled, the men gouged the eyes out of my great uncle’s head, and then the men pulled off his legs. After she was raped, she was put on a pile of wood and set on fire. However, she was first forced to watch her son’s leg pulled off and his eyes gouged out. Roxy and Kookalo watched in horror, as she died on the embers, her son still screaming. I was born out of the 1915 Massacre in Cambridge, MA 1949, and my birth name Kechejian was changed in 1952 to Grant Aram Killian.

Parents of the World

by Muriel Hoff

There is a great need

that has to be filled.

A need so deep

it is tearing us

apart from our children.

They drift in many directions

looking for something new.

They know not what, but like

the explorers of old

they must wander

in search of their souls.

Some find the way back

and others are lost on the way.

Oh yes, parents of the world

we all walk the thin line.

We are as one.

Where did we fail them?

Were we too busy

with the mundane things of life?

Did we listen with closed ears

when they poured out their hearts?

Now we suffer for our wrongdoing.

They falter, they fumble.

They must find themselves.

Leave the doors open.

Be there when they need you,

and return they will.

It may take years,

but patience and fortitude

will win.

If they can only find their God again

they will find their way.

Preface

Rule: Most but not all bad behaviors are learned. Newborn infants are not genetically programmed to swear, roll their eyes, make threatening fists when upset, throw objects in the home with rage, and shoot guns, killing and slaughtering millions in genocide, committing horrible acts of violence.

This book is for the pregnant mother, parents, students, and psychologists who want to improve humanity by improving parenting and helping children become better individuals. It is not meant for light reading or entertainment. It is a textbook, and it is a resource and reference book. It is intended for parents, parenting classes, teachers, social workers, continuing education credits, and students, and it can be used as an applied textbook for those in academia and private practice. This textbook integrates numerous scientific techniques for parents, teachers, mental health care counselors, students, and psychologists. It reflects almost a half of a century of therapy sessions with parents making common mistakes in individual, couples, or family psychotherapy. We should have avoided these parental mistakes from birth to eighteen with the previous wisdom and cumulative learning within the science of psychology made in the past century. This book serves as the initial stepping-stone, bringing theory and research to the applied science of parenting.

Imagine two parallel universes with two different Gods. Each of them creates humans in beakers and sprinkles them on two different worlds.

In one universe, God or Mother Nature creates an unalterable essence in the beaker that this deity pours into the world called Parents Do Not Matter. Learning and books do not matter. In this world, the essence of being human is determined by God or Mother Nature, no matter what parents do to their children. In short, parents do not matter. In this world, parents can be good or bad. Environments can be safe or dangerous. Homes can be enriched or barren. Parents can spend some or no time at all with their children. All humans come out based on what God or Mother Nature has put into the beaker. God or Mother Nature determines if your child becomes Genghis Khan, a soldier who beheads and rapes women in massacres, a serial killer, or the contrary, such as Galileo, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Theresa, a doctor, a teacher, or a postal official. In this, world parents have no worries. They do not need to read any books, and parenting is insignificant. This is the world of instincts and DNA, where the mother turtle lays eggs on the beach, the eggs hatch and the babies make it to the sea without guidance from either parent. Here, DNA shapes instincts and humanity inevitable copies what they have been doing for thousands of years. In this world, humans do not develop through learning throughout generations. Learning and parents do not matter. Humanity is stagnant. Humans are like barbaric creatures tied to base instincts, pillaging, raping and committing genocide, but with fancy electronics.

In the other universe, God or Mother Nature creates an alterable essence in the beaker, and this deity pours it into the world called Parents Do Matter. Learning and books do matter. Learning is fun and not aversive. In this world, the essence of being human is not so perfectly determined by God or Mother Nature. What parents do to their children makes a difference. In essence, parents do matter. In this world, parents can be good or bad. Environments can be safe or dangerous. Homes can be enriched or barren. Parents can spend some or no time at all with their children, but with these differences, parents do matter. All humans do not come out based on what was put into the beaker. God or Mother Nature does not only determine if your child becomes Hitler, a soldier who marches millions into ovens, or a serial pedophile rapist, or your child could become the contrary, such as Isaac Newton, John F. Kennedy, Rosa Parks, a dentist, a craftsman, or an assembly worker. In this world parents have worries. They must read books, and parenting takes time and work since it affects the future outcome of their children. This is the world of parents and DNA, where parents want to use the best method to influence genetics and teach children to be better for all future generations. Here, DNA, the environment, learning, and parents shape instincts, making humanity more than what was possible thousands of years ago. In this world humans become more educated and develop through learning over generations, and they evolve unlike all the other creatures so that they are more diplomatic and sophisticated. These humans are not controlled by their fancy electronics, and they are not necessarily caught up in these devices.

A human being is not attaining his full heights until he is educated.

—Horace Mann

This is more than a book of rules for the world in which parents matter. In this world parents recognize and undertake the role of teacher for child learners by using a scientific model for their growing children in hopes that they will become valuable and contributing members in the evolution of humanity. Imagine parenting with joy and success in a world where parents matter. Picture your child as one of your greatest gifts to you and the world, and they can be through good scientific parenting as opposed to barbarism and, for example, the practice of beheading teddy bears so that children can become future murderers for ISIS. The time has come for human beings to take an active role in changing the nature of humanity. Parenting is that foundation. The same effort we put into sports and practice needs to be put into acting as more sophisticated adults through practicing anger management, disagreeing without confrontation, diplomatic communication during conflict, and practicing conflict resolution.

The majority of individuals who become parents at some point complain about their parents’ styles of parenting, vowing they will not do the same thing to their children. These parents, who readily admit that they have experienced bad parenting, did not have model parents who read books on parenting techniques either. Yet these same parents still may not make the effort sometimes to read, practice and become skilled in being better guardians. These parents sometimes pass on the same errors as their earlier generations—static thinking and static parenting, which brings about a static humanity.

Become the change you wish to see in the world.

—Gandhi (unknown source)

For the parent and psychologist, I have added a feature to make the text easier to review, especially in e-book format. Each section and subheadings will be assigned a unique number in braces {} based on the order they first appear in the book (e.g., {1}). This consecutive numbering system will appear in each header at the end of the section title in parentheses. For example, see chapter 1 The Sales Pitch for Parenting as Learning the second header entitled: Parenting, Cumulative Scientific Wisdom for a Paradigm Shift {1}. This means that throughout the text whenever the {1} appears, there is a reference back to this heading, but the {1} is simple shorthand referring to this subheading as opposed to repeating the title Parenting, Cumulative Scientific Wisdom for a Paradigm Shift" it is easier simply to note {1}. Throughout the text, many references will allow the reader to return and review a specific section by using the brackets {}.This will make it easier for the reader to turn back to chapter 2 to review reference and practice certain material during the application sections in chapter 3 and 4. In this way the reader only has to see the number and the section title does not need to be written in the {}.

Please make an effort to read the book one chapter at a time. Try not to rush to the end or jump to a particular parenting section. You will miss the lessons. There is no shortcut to your child’s parenting! As a parent, you should say and model for your child the following: Do not judge a book by its cover. Read each chapter and do not jump to the end. Be sure and set a good example. You are your child’s mirror. Children first learn by copying you. Do not look for the CliffsNotes approach or other secondary sources. Do your homework carefully just as you would tell your child. You probably do not want your child to use CliffsNotes, secondary sources or shortcuts in high school. Try to learn a more scientific model of good parenting by using a practice teaching model. Remember, you also need to learn and change to help your child be better than you.

In all the physical and social sciences, there are general terms that apply to all the sciences. There are concepts and definitions that need to be learned by the parent. This parenting book has a scientific and research basis rooted in the past hundred years of psychology. The laws, principles and rules of scientific psychology are like the laws of nature. Even if you do not believe in them, they are still true. Below are a few general definitions of laws, principles, rules and guidelines that apply to the social sciences.

• Laws are facts deduced from scientific observation and research that affects scientific observable phenomena and behaviors that predictably occur if certain conditions are present.

• Principles are fundamental truth or chain of reasoning serving as the foundation for a system of behaviors.

• Rules are a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing behavior in a particular activity.

• Guidelines are a general rule or advice to determine a course of action that streamlines a set of sound practice from general laws, principles or rules.

For the sake of simplicity throughout the text, a behavioral rule will be provided to aid in parenting. Many of the terms are in fact laws or principles, but for practical purposes, only rules, warnings and guidelines will be provided.

Generally, parents and psychologists need to stop analyzing why patients or children are the way they are. Do not bother gathering all the history with children, couples or families. As a psychologist you can only get a very brief history and you are not a historian. Even if you could get all the history that will take a lifetime, how can you use all this history? The couple or family have probably been married too long for you to catch up to their timeline, so parents and psychologist need to reduce worrying why something is occurring with a child or couple psychologically, and avoid the etiological question of Why. It is far more effective and efficient just to ask yourself, ‘How can I help my patient or child change as fast as possible, in the easiest way, with the least amount of complications.

—Lectures from Grant Aram Killian, PhD

Rule: Parenting matters, so stop yelling and acting as if it does not matter. Learn to be more mature with your children, and learn better ways of handling their immaturity. Remember, it does not help if you become immature and start yelling or hitting them. By observational learning and by the laws of nature, they will mimic and copy your immature behavior, which probably has been copied for generations through the simple law of observational learning. If your child starts yelling, do not yell back but remain calm and think carefully what you will say next once they stop.

Rule: If you love your child, be the best parent you can be for your child. Try to learn some of the rules in this book, and avoid the mistakes of previous generations. Make learning fun and not aversive. Do not just read just the rules and take shortcuts. You will probably miss something you do not have a degree in psychology.

Children need to know someone cares about them before they can care about themselves. If you get too angry out of frustration, they will feel no one cares. They will stop caring about themselves and eventually may be defiant toward you. Worse, they may start hating the anger you directed toward them out of frustration. Parents do not have diplomatic immunity to do anything they want to their children. If you give them anger, you will get anger back and lose opportunities for learning.

This textbook is designed to improve parenting by incorporating the principles and rules of learning and practice while making learning fun for the child. The ultimate goal is for humans to change for the better by acting more mature, more sophisticated, and more sensitive to others, not being the same humans as they were for the past two thousand years just with better technology today. The principles and rules in this book apply to all religions and all countries.

This textbook incorporates over 30 different scientific procedures that have been proven to be critical to learning: observational learning, identification, bibliotherapy, positive reinforcement, shaping, fading, differential reinforcement of incompatible behavior, differential reinforcement of other behavior, differential reinforcement of low response rate, differential reinforcement of high rate, token economy, Premack principle, negative reinforcement, correction, self-correction, positive practice, overcorrection, extinction, timeout, positive punishment, negative punishment, stimulus control, stimulus generalization, fixed ratio, variable ratio, fixed interval, variable interval, initiating behaviors, annoyance prevention, and cognitive inoculation.

It is no longer valid to say that children do not come with a manual. This is the beginning for that manual for parenting your child.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

—Leo Tolstoy, Pamphlets, 1900

Chapter 1

The Sales Pitch for

Parenting as Learning

The time is always right to do what is right.

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

Parenting, Cumulative Scientific Wisdom for a Paradigm Shift {1}

Rule: Parenting should have the same detail, planning, and vigor that went into the sculpture of David and the painting of Mona Lisa, and with the hope that the effect will last years in their lifetimes.

T he time has come for a paradigm shift so that parenting can become an applied science, a set of rules and procedures using loving and teaching practices based on the cumulative wisdom of scientific research. There is no more guesswork. The child is not being experimented upon, but being taught to be more mature, sophisticated and diplomatic. There is no need for more scientific studies using children or people and maintaining a control group. Parenting is an applied science using just one child. Scientific principles and rules can be applied to one individual, even when there are factors jeopardizing validity such as history and maturation (Campbell and Stanley, 1963, p. 5). In this particular situation with parenting, extraneous variables, which have been in the past a concern for jeopardizing validity, can now be used as parts of the ultimate goal. Social sciences have been concerned that the process of measuring may indeed change that which is being measured. In the science of parenting, we want to utilize these variables (such as maturation) to systematically produce change over time in the child. Testing was a variable of concern because the process of testing itself was a stimulus that changed the student who was not passive (Campbell and Stanley, 1963, p. 5). In parenting, testing can change the child so that he or she becomes better by using various shaping techniques, and in fact, the child can even test him or herself by trying to beat his or her practice times in etiquette and in controlling tempers. In this way, testing is no longer a jeopardizing variable but a tool that one can use to develop maturation, improve latency scores, and reduce time of anger (see chapters 3 and 4).

In 2014, the police shot a twelve-year-old boy who did not drop his pellet gun within two seconds. In two seconds the child was dead because there was a delayed latency in dropping the gun and responding to the police, who had drawn their pistols. (We will discuss this event later.) On December 28, 2015 the grand jury did not indict the two police officers on criminal charges for shooting the boy Tamir Rice in two seconds.

We have the cumulative science to teach parents to teach children with loving procedures. It is time for psychologists to teach parents the applied science of parenting to avoid situations like this shooting for all races, for all religions, and in all countries. Psychologists should not be silent on the issue of parenting. An abundance of scientific knowledge and resources has been collected during the past hundred years in animal and human learning. There is no more guesswork on parenting. We need to stop repeating thousands of years of mistakes by doing what our parents did or what unprofessional books suggest. It has not worked!

Rule: With both parents working, some parents have lost control of their children and have given them too many choices, allowing them to ignore the parents. When children enter adulthood, financial limitations will not permit all of these choices. They will be inexperienced.

Rule: Overprotected children are underexperienced, and they are sent into the world handicapped because they are dependent and fearful. Parents may have done them a great disservice. Students cannot play high school JV or varsity sports if they are underexperienced.

Rule: Parents have repeated too much and have lost respect, making their words meaningless. Parents have not spent enough time making sure the child pays attention to the parents, allowing too much distractibility (see chapter 3). Distractions can result in death.

Accidents from distracted walking (e.g., walking into fountains and falling into subway tracks) have dramatically increased from 2005 to 2010, doubling to more than 1,500. Millennials between the ages of twenty-one to twenty-five are more likely to be hurt now. On Christmas Day of 2015, lifeguards stated that a thirty-three-year-old adult was coming to watch the sunset with another person, but he was so busy with his battery-operated device that he walked over the Sunset Cliffs in San Diego, California, plummeting more than sixty feet to his death.

Rule: Parents need to teach all over again proper attention to looking, walking and paying attention to where and how you walk as opposed to permitting children to look at their devices when the parents are talking to them or when they walk in public.

We do not know how many accidents or deaths have been caused by distractions during major automobile or train accidents. Distractions during driving have become as dangerous as drinking and driving.

We must start teaching parents how to develop attention, concentration, diplomacy, sophistication in social etiquette, anger control, how to deescalate conflict so that there are no more devastating confrontations and unnecessary deaths in society. The science of psychology has this ability; however, it has not been applied to parenting, and parents are unaware because psychologists have remained silent and passive in training parents. Children have suffered. Some are victims of violence. Some create violence in the home or on the street. Parents do not have the cumulative knowledge of the past hundred years, and psychologists should stop being silent, stop being passive, stop asking parents questions, put away play therapy, and teach parents the science of applied parenting. There is a desperate need in our society for psychologists to be specific in techniques and encourage this paradigm shift. It is insufficient to tell the parents to administer a consequence.

We have an obligation to society, parents, children, and teachers of all religions, races, and countries to make this applied science to parenting more accessible (and more accessed). Psychologists must stop making these loose and inaccurate generalizations, stop saying give a consequence, and help parents with examples, variables and multiple techniques that are loving. Unprofessional writers with untrained opinions and without any supporting research violate the laws of psychology and flood the market, leaving parents bewildered about what text to buy. Too many incorrect opinion-based books have flooded the field of parenting.

Here is an example that violates the laws of applied behavioral science: How long do you keep someone in timeout? For every year of the child, put them in timeout for an added minute. If the child is one year old, he or she is in timeout for one minute. If the child is five years old, he or she is in timeout for five minutes. These incorrect statements violate the applied behavioral techniques of reinforcement and timeout. I will extensively go into this example later and show why it is so ineffective {see sections 21–30, 45, 46}.

Another incorrect teaching model that violates behavioral science involves counting off number in order to back up the seriousness of the words. In the example of the 2014 shooting of Tamir Rice, the police did not count after they told him to drop the gun. Parents should not be reading books that recommend counting after giving a command if the child does not obey. There is no counting in the real world. The police did not count when they shot that sixth-grader. Never back up words with numbers. Never back up words by repeating the words louder either. Do it right the first time, but without the magical number count down.

These books are flooding the market, and parents are reading them, teaching them and their children improper methods. As a licensed psychologist (PY3298), I felt motivated and compelled to write this book because of the abundance of incorrect books in the marketplace. Parenting efforts need to be based on the cumulative knowledge of applied scientific parenting.

A monthly journal of applied parenting should be made available to both psychologists and parents alike. It should be written in a format that all parents and psychologists could understand and benefit from. That way we can change not only parenting but the human condition too. Parenting is important, and it matters. It is the greatest gift the parent can give the child.

The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.

—Benjamin Spock

Psychologists have an obligation to society, all parents, and children to make this gift possible. Parents have lost the ability to have their children make eye contact, act and come when called. This generation is too preoccupied with electronic devices, eye contact has been lost along with the simple come command {see sections 97–105}.

The command Drop the gun should work for all children of all races, all religions, and all countries all the time. It is time psychologists teach us how parenting is done properly. It is time that psychologists become active in helping this planet develop a better human being by using applied scientific parenting.

IQ, The Terrible Twos, and Self-Concept {2}

L earning is a critical function of all life and all species. If human beings are to survive, they must learn or die. Learning takes place in the natural world for all species as a critical component of survival. In basic biological terms, the survival of the species takes place because each member must learn to increase survival behaviors, increase behaviors to find food, increase mating behaviors, and avoid dangerous situations. No species can come ready-made, knowing everything about the environment on earth.

Rule: Learning must be incorporated in the survival of all species. Yelling at the child is not a learning technique.

We can look at life from many perspectives. From a psychological perspective, life is a series of adjustments to a changing environment. We make these adjustments with practice, and we learn about life. Learning is usually provided by the parent more than any other teacher your child will ever have.

Rule: Learning is a critical function of all life and all species. The parent is the child’s most important and hopefully the longest living teacher and model. Parenting is teaching with love, not hatred and anger.

In 1979, Clark-Steward, Vanderstoop, and Killian published in The Journal of Child Development an article titled The Analysis and Replication of Mother Child Relations (p. 777–793), a study on the critical factors involved in young children who were two and a half years old. (The publication can be downloaded from killianphd.com). By two and a half years, there were already statistically significant findings showing that good parenting skills (positive interactions) were indeed more important factors than DNA, wealth, parents’ IQ, or other socioeconomic factors. Positive, warm parenting made the difference in all groups. This was the first study of its kind to ever replicate the results four times, proving that parenting is one of the most critical and powerful elements in a child’s life by the age of two and a half. Parenting is teaching with love, and it is critical even before the age of three.

Testing in our clinical study began when the children were two and a half years old, referred to as the terrible twos. This occurs because developmentally the children are beginning to become aware of their environments and identities relative to their respective parents. Their parents expect more from them now. Prior to this age, all good parents treat their children like kings and queens, hovering over them, waiting on them, serving, feeding, dressing, showering, and diapering them. Parents take care of every need. The terrible twos are a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a sense, the child learns that the parents are the slaves, and they are kings and queens who only have to cry to get their way. In addition, we were able to verify reliably that even by that age of two and a half, good parenting, attention, and learning could be measured even for things such as social IQ, stranger anxiety, and verbal production. Therefore, we can dispense with the myth that IQ and verbalizations are totally inherited and/or passed down because of socioeconomic status.

Rule: The behavior of the terrible twos is a learned developmental process that takes place by the simple principle of positive reinforcement.

When children cry, good parents tend to run to see if everything is okay, feed them, change their diapers, and hold them endlessly, giving them abundant attention and love. This period of life never happens again. We have all our needs met and every care in our life handled by others. People even approve of belching and passing gas, and that will never happen again. Thus, the terrible twos are the mere outgrowth of the principle of positive reinforcement from attentive parenting. Children have been treated as if they are royalty, and the parents have become slaves to their every need.

You can teach an old dog new tricks, so just imagine what you can teach your young newborn child! Newborn children are like brand-new computers with nothing on the hard drives. By the time they have reached kindergarten, their concept of self is developing and is affected by many of the things parents have said and done prior to this age. A healthy conception of self should not be confused with entitlement or narcissism. However, children could inherit or develop an attitude of entitlement, self-centeredness, insensitivity to the parents, and a lack of responsibility by the time they reach kindergarten. On the other hand, at this age children could also develop responsibility and sensitivity to parents and others.

By this age, some children become demanding for more toys because they had been lavishly given toys without much consequence. Perhaps a grandparent excessively gives toys at every visit and never gives any negative feedback. However, when this happens, it is likely that the child might be resentful or defiant to the parent who sets limits, especially if the parent does not give extravagant gifts. Many other alternatives could happen during this period. The difference in experiences in the parents’ home and the grandparents’ home may cause the child to prefer being with the grandparents, subsequently spurring anger in the parents’ home. The child just prefers getting his or her way with the grandparents. In this situation, the child dreads leaving the grandparents, but he or she is excited to reunite with the grandparents and thrilled to leave the parents. Later on in life, these foundational behaviors manifest themselves in adulthood in a number of different ways, some favorably and others negatively, depending on the early experiences. Parenting can become complicated quickly.

We all know that children can grow up to emulate their parents in many ways. Look at Archie Manning, who helped his two sons, Eli and Payton, become incredibly successful quarterbacks. Presidents have had sons who have become presidents and daughters successful in their careers. Actors have children who follow in their footsteps. Doctors have children who continue to help others through medicine. Parents can also have children who become drug addicts, commit crimes, and attempt suicide. This pattern is not the result of luck or genetics. Psychology now has established a set of verifiable behavioral and scientific methods for learning, teaching, practice, and training. It is important to be aware of the words, sentences, actions and the time spend on teaching the child how he or she matures.

Many famous people also have had children who endured extreme difficulties in adulthood. For example, the fraud perpetrated by Bernard Madoff, hedge fund manager of a Ponzi scheme, so severely affected his oldest son, Mark Madoff, that he hung himself from a pipe on the second anniversary to the day of Bernard’s conviction. In a sense, parents are the old dogs. Some parents have learned, while others have chosen not to learn the lessons of being good teachers of life.

The good news is parents still have time to make good adjustments to correct most situations in families no matter the age of your child. A marriage takes work, and being a parent takes work too. Parenting is a full-time job that takes proper knowledge, effort, good decisions, and being a good model for children to emulate. Using these correct teaching applications will require parental practice and knowledge.

Most parents have had no training to be parents—no classes, no license, no examination to pass. However, laws require driver’s education and a driver’s license to drive a car, and car insurance is required to protect occupants in case of an accident. There is no parental insurance if something goes wrong. We require flying and boating lessons. We give our children music and dance lessons, but still we do not require parenting lessons! For one of the most important jobs on earth, there are no required lessons for learning proper techniques.

Our society needs to stop being reactive to such problems as mass shootings and domestic violence and start being proactive with childhood parenting. It takes reading, learning, practice, and hard work. If you are planning to have children and reading this for the first time, then you are being proactive by preparing for parenting. If you already have children, it is not too late to correct any problems with a bit of hard work and a sound method.

If you love your child, you will want to be the best parent you can be, which means you must try to learn some of the principles and rules in this book, teach your child how to adjust to the world, and serve as a good model.

It is well to think well; it is divine to act well.

—Horace Mann

As mothers and fathers, we are involved in a most critical aspect of humanity, namely the perpetuation of the species. Language repertoires are critical in all human behavior. Parents set the cornerstone for the child’s adjustment to language, culture and rule adherence. No means do not do that. Watch it, means pay attention, keep your eyes on the road. It is imperative parents teach children to adhere to rules before they attend school. Parents are also responsible to pass on a value system for the perpetuation of our culture. Prior to kindergarten, parents teach not only language repertoires and rule adherence, but emotional responses and a moral set of principles as well. Read now from Arthur W. Staats (1971, p. 60):

One of the important types of learning is of an emotional kind. Simply put, the principle is that if a new neutral stimulus is presented to the child at the same time as something is presented that is rewarding, and which elicits a pleasant emotional response in the child, then the new stimulus will come also to elicit the pleasant emotional response and be rewarding also. It is suggested that this is how the parent comes to be rewarding and elicit pleasant emotional responses from the child. It is also suggested that this is the beginning of the child’s love for the parent.

Children must start learning how to be responsible and sensitive to others, make good choices, adjust to our society, handle failure, survive on their own and develop healthy conceptions of self. Through teaching and practice, parents must help the child adjust to the real world. Our life on this planet is not the wonderful world of Disney. Your child must learn to adjust to eating, walking, acquiring a speaking vocabulary, going to school, completing homework, developing self-learning, using educational materials, coping with aftercare and peer groups, dealing with failure and competition, coping with rejection, understanding the history of the world, playing sports, utilizing computers, developing good manners, striving to be a good citizen, acting appropriately during dating, trying to become a loving spouse, a successful provider, and a parent, and hopefully also trying to give back more to the world than they take from others.

Rule: Parenting is helping children be more than what they are now and more than you are now.

Parents who hover like helicopters or keep giving into children are giving the wrong things. Children can become self-absorbed, selfish and insensitive, and they can develop tendencies of entitlement coupled with narcissism, which can also be inherited. Alternatively, hovering parents who are overprotective have overdependent and underexperienced children who may have feelings of inferiority and dependency on others throughout their lives. All of this can also be somewhat inherited and perhaps corrected with good parenting and therapy, or these tendencies can become aggravated if nothing is done about them.

Parents must not adjust to their child’s schedule, or at their disposal; the child has to adjust to the parent’s schedule, just as adults must adjust to the schedules of the world. Times do not change for us, we must adjust to the times. Parents should not give them everything they want or provide them with their favorite foods and the latest technology. Otherwise, children will constantly expect these gifts and not be able to provide for themselves. This does not mean you should not take the child to assigned activities or school events. Read this quote from Cline and Fay (1990, p. 51) from their book Parenting with Love and Logic. Everything we fix for our kids, our kids will be unable to fix for themselves … If there is more than a ten percent chance that our child might be able to work it out, we should keep clear of the problem.

Parents help shape the child to become more than what they were at an earlier stage. The child must do the practicing; the parent cannot practice for the child. One of the things your children need is for you to be a good parent, teaching them at a very early age to try hard, never give up and be independent and responsible. This will help them as you teach them to start practicing for adulthood. You could be their teacher and role model for life. You want them to see learning as exciting, inquisitive, fun, and that most learning is self-taught. Children and sometimes parents are not aware that material is presented to the child and they must make the effort to learn the information. Parents actually do not teach the child to walk; the child makes an effort to counter the forces of gravity and stands due to their own motivation. When parents initially start talking to the child, the child makes the effort to mimic the parent’s communication. Clearly, in college, during a Master’s program or doctoral program all learning is self-taught. The professor provides the material, but the student has to learn the material. Thus, for the most part all learning is self-taught. Did my father teach me how to tie nautical knots, or was I the one that wanted to learn it so I kept practicing? From this perspective, all learning can be seen as self-taught.

Rule: The modification of the self is critical through life in order to achieve maturation and success. Change yourself to change your child.

Prior to kindergarten, it is the parent’s responsibility to teach the child to control social behavior through language adherence. Before the age of kindergarten, parents can use simple language admonishments and request the cessation of a response, both of which are effective in maintaining appropriate social control. Thus, by the age of two, a simple no should mean no if parents have stuck to their words (more on this later). Here is Arthur W. Staats (1971, p. 75−76) insight.

The word no must gain control over the child’s behavior so that he stops what he is doing. The same is true for do not do such and such, please stop that, I am sorry, I am using this now, you will have to be quiet now, you have to stop playing and go to sleep, do not touch that, leave that alone, that belongs to me, that is annoying, you are making me angry, that is dangerous, and so on. Unless the child is appropriately under the control of such verbal stimuli, he will perform any responses that are undesirable to other children, adults, and to himself. It is also the case that the child must receive specific training in this aspect of his language repertoire. If he does not he will not develop the appropriate behaviors. It will then be seen that the child’s behavior will be called uncontrollable, unmanageable, undisciplined, destructive… The best advice is that after the parent has uttered a verbal negative, with good justification, he should ensure that the undesirable, importunate behaviors of the child not be rewarded. Learning appropriate behavior to know and other negatives constitutes an important aspect of the basic behavioral repertoire under discussion. The learning involved will serve the interests of both the parent and the child.

Reiterating Staats, parents must receive specific training in this aspect of language repertoire. If a parent does not develop the appropriate behaviors they will then be seen and called uncontrollable, unmanageable, and undisciplined. One of the goals of this book is to assist parents and psychologists with techniques so they can be more effective in parenting by using examples on how the techniques might work. Just passively going to therapy sessions does not fix or improve parenting problems or a marriage. Similarly, being a passive parent does not fix or improve parenting problems or a marriage. If you learn to do things better as a parent or psychologist over time and consistently use more practice techniques, you will become more effective than previous generations. The practice model is one of the things that make the best teams win the Super Bowl or World Series.

Parents can help their children develop the upper edge and give our species a better chance at survival on this tiny planet. Parents can be the most important people in their children’s lives and can make the most significant difference. We may not have any impact on earth; however, if you do it right, your children will care forever, and you can become the most important person in your children’s lives by making the most significant difference in their future and the future of their children. How do you want to be remembered by your child? Be that person. Alternatively, you could be the parent who drives your child to commit suicide or spend years of his or her life in psychotherapy.

Parents need to plan making the effort to help shape children as if they were shaping a sculpture or painting; thereby shaping their creation into more mature children prior to kindergarten using a teaching and practice guide. These children will have more sophisticated behaviors, actions, and verbalizations. Language repertoires that parents teach the children are critical in all human behavior. The children’s adjustment to language adherence and our culture leads them to success in life. All of this might help provide a foundation for more responsibility, maturity, and success in their careers, personal lives, and love relations.

This book does not attempt to be comprehensive by reviewing learning theories over the past hundred years of psychology. There will be no in-depth discussions on the theories of Pavlov, Thorndike, Guthrie, Hull, Skinner, or Gestalt theory. Out of all the theories, methods, only the most practical, efficient, and effective applications for general parenting were chosen for the general population. Terms will be first described with examples. Several scientific techniques will be combined for parenting problems giving parents different tools that can be used to promote healthy parenting and learning, especially in difficult situations that have become frustrating. Overall, the text is meant to be practical for everyday parenting problems without excessive in-depth theories and detailed references to research.

Yelling at your child is the outcome of frustration and failed techniques to get your child to obey, learn, follow your lead, or achieve task completion without back talk. By the time you are yelling at your child,