He Enriched My Life by the Death I Suffered: Learning to Trust God Through Depression

By Candy Rice

He Enriched My Life by the Death I Suffered is the authors transparently intimate journey of learning to fully trust God while suffering through and receiving healing from clinical depression.

Read: day-by-day, raw details of the agony, fear, anxiety, and pain she endured; the necessity of being her own healthcare advocate; and how she triumphed over depression through the promises in Gods word, Christian counseling, medication, and prayer.

Examine: excerpts from her personal prayer journal to see how an absent God was actually perfectly present throughout this life-threatening chapter of her life.

Go: behind closed doors as she gives you brutally honest insight into the mental, emotional, and physical forces that took her to the brink of despair.

Are you or do you know anyone who is living in the black pit of clinical depression: hopeless, apathetic, sad, guilty, anxiouseven suicidal?

This real-life account offers spiritual inspiration, practical strategies, and hope to anyone who is clinically depressed or knows someone in the depths of clinical depression.

Discover healing and how to fully trust God through Biblical truth, scripture studies, and the authors dramatic, personal revelations from the Lord in He Enriched My Life by the Death I Suffered.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781512708073

Candy Rice

Candy Rice loves studying the word of God and believes in its power. She divides her time between writing, the healing prayer team at her church, her children and grandchildren, and assisting her husband, Peary, in his ministry at Promised Land Bucks and Ducks. They live in LaGrange, Missouri.

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Copyright © 2015 Candy Rice.

Author photo/cover photo: Rachael Bangert

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0808-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0809-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0807-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015913013

WestBow Press rev. date: 09/24/2015

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Notes

The Steps to Life plan is taken from Evangelism Explosion International and used with permission. All Rights Reserved including translations. For more information about Evangelism Explosion, visit EvangelismExplosion.org

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

All Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION unless otherwise noted. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

Scripture is taken from GOD’S WORD®, © 1995 God’s Word to the Nations. Used by permission of Baker Publishing Group.

Scripture taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. The Living Bible, TLB, and the The Living Bible logo are registered trademarks of Tyndale House Publishers.

Scripture taken from The Message, copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture taken from the Amplified Bible, copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

ERV Copyright © 2006 by World Bible Translation Center

To my husband Peary

You are a Godly man of integrity, courage, and fierce devotion. Thank you for your unconditional love and acceptance, and for believing that I could write my story.

Introduction

August 12, 2014: I, along with the rest of the world, heard the news last night of comedian Robin Williams’ suicide. All the reports said he was severely depressed. Yet his depression was not shocking news because Robin had alluded to it. But suicide? How could someone so affluent, so successful, so loved kill himself? If anyone could win this battle, shouldn’t it have been him? He had to have access to the best doctors and treatments, don’t you think?

This tragic news saddened me and left me a little frightened. I found myself becoming glued to the TV, going from one channel to another, searching for reasons, answers, clues, and mistakes—what was missed? It didn’t take too long for me to realize this wasn’t healthy for me. So I changed channels and began watching Antiques Roadshow. Then I moved on to a cooking show; basically, more emotionally gentle programs. As I prayed this morning for his grieving family and friends, I asked the Lord for his death not to be in vain. I prayed that others who are depressed (29,000,000 Americans daily, per one journalist) will receive the help they need before it is too late. I also pondered coincidental parallels in my life.

I now realize that I’ve begun this book about my depression the same time Robin decided he could no longer bear living with his. Today I’m seeing a psychiatrist for the first time while the world is buzzing about all the ways to seek and receive help for depression. As I am typing these words, someone I love is struggling with depression and is texting me pictures as they take a walk in the sunshine in an effort to get out of their pit. What does all this mean?

* * * * *

My writing seems to have been birthed five years ago when I began journaling. Not long thereafter, I also began documenting my dreams, visions, and experiences with the Lord. Yet, I didn’t foresee any of this as preparation for writing a book.

Writing a book was never on my radar. However, I now see God began dropping hints over a year ago. These hints recently became far more intense and numerous. In fact, they had become outright instructions. What were once vague, blurry notions had become a clear call from Him. Yet, I doubted, thinking, It seems incomprehensible to tell my story. It’s too soon. Finally, I knew I had to test this in prayer, in the Bible, and with wise counsel from trusted believers (good habits for making all major decisions). I stepped out on the proverbial limb and first told my husband with the expectation of hearing some form of skepticism that would confirm my self-diagnosis of You’re crazy. I got the exact opposite response. He looked at me dumbfounded. He reminded me that he had spoken the very words, You should write a book only weeks prior. How could I have forgotten? He agreed to pray for confirmation anyway. Since telling him went well enough, with a slightly diminished degree of terror, I shared with my best friend Kathy. Again, no cry of, You’re nuts! like I imagined. She also agreed to seek the Lord in prayer for confirmation. After much time, conversations, and prayer, I received the confirmation I needed and I was finally at peace to be obedient and tell my story.

I am not a medical or psychiatric professional, nor a licensed counselor. I am fifty-two years old, married to my high school sweetheart, a mother of two, and a grandmother of two. My personality is displayed in such things as graduating with honors, being ultra-organized, always knowing where my car keys are, quoting dates of life events—you get the picture. I am a Type A, goal-driven woman with unachievable self-expectations. I’ve got a plan and a watch… I’m gettin’ ’er done and on time. (Heaven help me if I lose my phone which contains my calendar!)

Is any of this screaming creativity to you? Me either. But don’t all authors have to possess some level of creativity? Yet, here I am writing to you while battling countless questions as a novice author. Laptop or handwritten? How do I get it published? Traditional or e-book? How long will it take to complete? Do I develop a writing schedule or just go with the flow? (The former is my comfort zone; the latter is a foreign concept to me.) I sure have wasted a lot of time spinning in circles trying to figure things out in advance. Thankfully, the Lord rescued me from myself and finally told me, Just write. That’s all I am asking you to do.

So, what is the main focus of this book? Is it my depression and accompanying anxiety? Is it Hope? Is it being my own healthcare advocate? All three? I’m unsure at this time, but I am trusting God to reveal it, probably them, as He and I go along. I do have clear cut goals, though. First, that His words are spoken and He will be glorified, plain and simple. Second, I want this to help someone. Just as I don’t want Robin’s death to be in vain, I don’t want my suffering to be in vain. I can’t stand that and I won’t allow it. And God won’t either because:

And we know that in all (emphasis mine) things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28, New International Version).

I realize that I also don’t know all of the purposes of why I am to write; He hasn’t revealed them yet. The only purpose may be for me, as an aid in my healing. Or, it could be for my family. Maybe the book is for the healing prayer ministry at my church. Or, just maybe, it is to help people I’ll never meet who need hope that depression can be survived. I don’t know, and I don’t have to know because He knows. He has told me to write, so I am writing with the knowledge that He will use it in whatever way, or ways, He desires and plans. His word tells me:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

That’s the key: plans (emphasis on the plural). He says it three times in this one verse. When the Lord says something three times, pay attention because it is significant. Because of my depression, I have come to believe at a much deeper level, a down to my core level, that He has a plan for me. It’s been in place since before I was born. When I remind myself of this, I can write not knowing why, when, or even how. So, here I am, just doing it.

* * * * *

Allow me to give you some educational information about depression from Judith MacNutt, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Christian Healing Ministries in Jacksonville, Florida. Clinical depression is a major psychiatric disorder that is rapidly increasing in our society. Current statistics reveal that clinical depression plagues 18–20% of the population. Adolescents and seniors are two groups who suffer from depression the most, due to hormonal changes. We live in an age that has been described as the Age of Anxiety. Currently, clinical depression is the leading cause of disability in North America. According to the World Health Organization, depression is expected to become the second leading cause of disability worldwide by the year 2020 (after heart disease).

Just as many Christians as non-Christians suffer from depression and, sadly, the church is guilty of suppressing or down-playing the need for treatment of what can be a very debilitating disorder. A Christian may actually feel shame over his/her depression because he/she believes it is a moral failure. Many church leaders and Christian groups will say that medical treatment is not necessary —that one needs only to read Scripture, make a positive confession, and rebuke the spirit of depression. Some will actually discourage a person with depression from seeking necessary medical help. This attitude, which shows lack of understanding of the nature of depression, can not only hinder healing, but can actually cause further harmful distress to someone who needs medical treatment. There are wonderful Christian people, overlooked by the church, who have lost the battle with depression and have taken their own lives.

"Current theories on the causes of depression and risk factors can be classified into two categories: physiological (genetic predisposition) and sociopsychological. Depression is complex, because the brain itself is so complex. As with any form of mental illness, normal brain function has been interrupted for some reason. Depression can be defined as a medical condition caused by a depletion of certain neurotransmitters, which makes it a medical illness. Anti-depressants may be part of the necessary treatment, just as insulin is needed for diabetes, and individual treatment will vary."

Research has shown that we can have a genetic predisposition to depression. Under certain conditions, the brain slows down its manufacture of serotonin and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters necessary for normal brain function. Depression can also be a result of severe childhood trauma. Recent research has discovered that the brain can actually modify its DNA and RNA composition. Through prayer, counseling, and medical treatment, normal brain function can oftentimes be restored.

"Depression must not be confused with discouragement, which is a transient state with an obvious cause in which the person is still able to function normally. The symptoms of depression include:

• Prolonged sadness, with accompanying apathy

• Irritability

• Extreme worry/anxiety

• Physical problems

• Sleep disorder/change in sleep patterns

• Feelings of worthlessness/unloved

• Loss of interest in things that used to be of interest

• Loss of energy

• Hopelessness

• Inappropriate guilt

• Inability to concentrate/racing mind

• In severe cases, a preoccupation with thoughts of suicide and death"

There are different levels of depression. Not everyone who is clinically depressed will display all of the symptoms. Severe depression may seem like psychosis, with paranoid and irrational thoughts.

The treatment of depression should be on all three levels: the body (proper medical treatment), the soul (counseling), and the spirit (prayer for inner healing, generational healing, and deliverance). In ministry, it is important to learn to listen to the language people use (I just don’t feel like going to church anymore). Some people will get better merely through psychotherapy and counseling and may not even need medication.

Depression is a very treatable illness and a disorder from which people can be restored when healing prayer, coupled with love and compassion of Jesus Christ, is incorporated as an integral part of the overall treatment.¹

With all of that in mind, I’ll now share my depression story with you.

(Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. This book is not intended as a substitute for medical or psychiatric advice of physicians or licensed counselors. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his or her health, and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.)

Chapter 1

The vessels of mercy are first seasoned with affliction, and then the wine of glory is poured in.

—Thomas Watson

My husband, Peary, and I have been Missourians all our lives (except for one year in Illinois while we built our home in Hannibal). In our thirty-three years of marriage, we have moved around the state multiple times. The last time, in November 2006, I agreed to move yet again—but on one condition: he had to promise we would retire here. (I think our extended family was relieved. They were tired of helping us pack and unpack!) We now truly believe that God brought us to the northeast corner of the state for a purpose—actually, for multiple purposes. My firm belief is that He rarely does anything singularly. There’s always more to it than what we recognize initially. But, oh, the clarity of hindsight is a wonderful gift. So going back to my and Peary’s pasts will help you understand our present.

As children, we were blessed because our parents took us to church regularly, and we accepted Christ as our Savior while in grade school. We were raised knowing about Jesus, but sadly, neither of us was ever truly discipled. Our eternity was secure, but we didn’t know about the relationship Jesus desired to have with us.

When Peary was a junior and I was a sophomore, we began dating, and it wasn’t long before he began attending church with me. This continued until we married four years later. But it didn’t take long before we found something else to do on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights. Looking back, it is no surprise we slipped off the coat-tails of our parents’ faith, because our spiritual foundations had never been built upon. Our story isn’t unique. I’m sure you’ve heard it before or have actually lived it yourself.

It was another fifteen years before I made the decision that I believe every Christian has to make at some time in his or her adult life—the decision to live my life for the Lord: to surrender, to make God number one, not me. It was in January 1996 when I rededicated my life to Him, when I was truly converted. However, my husband did not. Once in a great while, he would go to church with me and our kids, but those times were few and far between.

For the next dozen years, I was much like many other Christian wives. I prodded, prayed, pestered and pressured—anything I could think of to save my husband—anything but trust him to the Lord. The results were typical and unsuccessful, to say the least. I’m not saying they were ineffective. They definitely had an effect. I pushed him away from God instead of drawing him to God.

Fast-forward to 2007. We were in a new place and an old place simultaneously. Our new place was living in Quincy, Illinois, and our old place? Living on spiritually different pages. So this meant I was looking for a new church home. (Our children had long before moved out, so it was just me.)

One day out of the blue, Peary said he would attend services with me. Hallelujah, the Lord was beginning to answer my prayers! This was what I had longed for all those years. We agreed on which church to try, and we began going together. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I started seeing red flags. I voiced my concerns to my husband, but we continued going. My antennae were up, though. (My mother had taught me well.) After four months, I finally told Peary I had to find another church, for I could no longer attend there in good conscience. He disagreed with me and said he was going to continue going there without me. I accepted his decision. No attempts to dissuade him, no arguments, nothing. Finally, I had learned to keep my mouth shut! I am sure God—and my husband—were relieved. Yet as painful as it was, with or without him, I knew what I had to do.

I shared my dilemma with a co-worker, and she suggested I call her father for help. He was the founder of the local Christian radio station, so he was very knowledgeable of churches in the area. I thought this was a good strategy and called and told him my story. He did something very wise: he asked me what I was looking for in a church instead of just firing off suggestions. After I explained my needs, he quickly gave me a list of five to try.

It took me a few months to work through numbers one through three, all of which were in Quincy. But none seemed to fit. It was time to try number four, which meant crossing over the Mississippi River to Cornerstone Church of Marion (CCM) in Palmyra, Missouri.

I never made it to number five. Although I didn’t know it at the time, CCM was where the Lord planned for us to be.

My first visit was in November. The congregation of sixty people met in an old Episcopalian church they rented once a week for Sunday-morning Celebration services. I began a long-running routine: I arrived right before service began, sat in the back pew, watched, and listened. I had a method and a mission: in and out, no contact with anyone, fly under the radar. (A person can get away with this for only so long because everyone at CCM is so welcoming and loving.) As soon as the service ended, I was one of the first ones out the door. But not before Pastor Marty Smyser, a big bear of a man, would smile and hug me. He gave me warmth and love. God was at work. He always was, whether I knew it or not.

This church was different. Why? Because people were in relationship with one another. CCM is a New Testament church, modeled after the first church in the book of Acts. I have a very clear memory of my first service. I met Kathy, who is now my best friend. She loves to tell the story of meeting me, how she felt an instant, unexplainable spiritual connection. But honestly, I didn’t feel what she felt; I was too wary. My antennae were too high, and I was too much on guard. Not the picture of trust, is it? Periodically, Kathy would invite me to her cell group (a women’s small group that met twice a month). I politely and repeatedly declined, finally saying, When I am ready, I will jump in with both feet.

Eventually, ever so slowly, I let down my guard and began opening up to people. All in all, it took me a year to start getting involved, not just going to church.

My first step was trying Kathy’s cell group. (Man, she had patient love for me!) Following that, I started going to women’s retreats twice a year. Then I began discipleship classes, graduated, and became a cell leader too. Along the way, I was invited to sing on the worship team (of course I accepted because I love to sing). My list of responsibilities grew as I began teaching and leading at our women’s retreats. After a few years, the finance team needed help, so I became part of that team too. Who was one of the four to go on our first mission trip to Mexico? Yep, me. I attended leadership meetings, marriage retreats, and even a parenting seminar (I reasoned it would help me be a better grandmother). I was actively involved in all of this while working a full-time job.

Over the months, each Sunday afternoon, Peary would ask me, How’d it go? (By the way, he never once went back to the other church.) I simply told him what I experienced. In time—once in a while—he would go with me. But the poor man was so uncomfortable! Mary, our pastor’s wife, often recalls how sorry she felt for him. Since she was on-stage with the worship team and it was a small building, she could clearly see the discomfort of conviction on his face—even with him sitting all the way on the back row. It’s a funny story now, but