Being Single

By Wilson Awasu

There can be many complex emotions tied into the idea of being single: societal pressures, self-esteem issues, loneliness, a sense of where you fit in the world... it can seem overwhelming or even depressing. Being Single is a refreshing look at what it means to be single.

Follow Lisa as she learns valuable lessons about herself and challenges long-held misconceptions that hold many people back. Do you look for a potential partner with a laundry list of must-haves, ignoring your own dysfunctions? Are you more focused on what a partner can give to you, rather than on what you will bring to a partnership? Are you locked into the idea that people who dont have children arent fulfilling their calling in life? And do you believe that as a single person, you arent who you are supposed to be?

Properly breaking from singlehood can be the most powerful tool in transitioning to a successful marriage. Let Being Single open your eyes to a new way of thinking, and learn along with Lisa how to enjoy being single and how to learn the skills that will let you take charge of the experience of singlehood, turning it into a time of growth and blossoming rather than bitterness and frustration.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jun 23, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490840932

Wilson Awasu

Wilson Awasu (PhD, Fuller Theological Seminary) has been given the opportunity to observe people’s relational patterns during decades of teaching and interacting with college students, missionaries, and hundreds of people both within and outside the church. This book shares his tremendous insights, taken from experience with eligible singles, never-married singles, married couples both with and without children, widows, widowers, and divorcees. Dr Awasu is the author of Kim’s Confessions, Kathy’s Good News, and Family Likeness. He and his wife, Anna, live in Lakeville, Minnesota.

Book preview

OPENING

It’s time to take a break, I told myself after I’d attended fifteen conferences (thirteen in America and two in England) for singles and been a member of six singles support groups.

And I did just that for two years, though on and off during the break, I updated my collection of conference notes, CDs, and DVDs on singles.

I went online on September 27, 2012, to catch up on the latest about singles issues. Then I ran across an ad for a seminar on being single. It was scheduled for October 5–6, at the Park Central Hotel in New York City. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I was gripped by its focus: The Being Single seminar will help participants to develop skills to take charge of their experience of being single, to love being single while single, and to love leaving singlehood when the time comes.

Take charge, love being single, and love leaving singlehood, I repeated. That’s a thought. This will be unlike any conference for singles I’ve been to. I called to sign up.

Sorry, a lady’s voice said. Sign-up closed a week ago.

Put me on the waiting list, please.

Too late for that, but give me your name and daytime phone number just in case.

An opening came up on October 3, and I took it.

Lisa, Lisa, I heard someone behind me in the registration line say. I turned around and there was Jamie, my classmate in nursing school. We’d met at several singles conferences since graduation; the last one was in San Francisco two years before.

Jamie, I said, nice to see you again.

You too, she said. Jamie is five feet eight, blond, and thirty-five. I’m six feet, auburn-haired, and thirty-four. We’re both never-married singles.

We happened to be three doors apart on the eleventh floor. The seminar started at half past seven on Friday night. There were thirty-six participants.

For a warm-up exercise, Dr. Vince Nelson, the seminar presenter, asked us to take five minutes to jot down the kind of spouses and parents we hoped to be.

That’s odd, I mumbled. All the singles conferences I’d attended started with hype about hunting down the type of spouse I was looking for, never asking me the kind I wanted to be. Am I in the right place? I wondered. We’ll see.

Five minutes later, Vince asked us to break into groups of three or four (separated by sex) and to take ten minutes to discuss what we’d written. My group mates were Karen, Amy, and Lauren. After we introduced ourselves, Lauren said, Lisa, please lead us. The others agreed, asking me to be their spokesperson.

The four of us were surprised by the shift in focus from what to look for in a potential spouse to the kind we hoped to be. The debriefing showed that we weren’t alone. Other participants also struggled with the shift.

I was surprised to hear never-married single men say they’d cook, clean the range and the dishes, vacuum floors, do laundry, fold and put away clothes, and change diapers.

Some of the never-married ladies said they’d remove the shoes from their husbands’ feet when their spouses returned home. Others said they’d be patient with their husbands. Some said they’d demand an apology the first two times their husbands cheated on them. The third time would be the end. They’d file for divorce.

Most divorcees, widows, and widowers said they’d be more understanding, accepting, and caring stepdads and stepmoms. That surprised me because of the horror stories I had heard about mean stepparents. Or was a new culture of caring stepdads and stepmoms emerging in reaction to these tales?

Vince concluded the debriefing with a slide presentation titled Choosing a Life Mate? Among the tips were that we prepare a shopping list of qualities we sought in a spouse, avoiding the conventional opposites attract philosophy and thinking in terms of compatibility and passion. Get out and meet the right type of singles, singles who meet your high standards, the presentation said. Don’t leave romance to chance. Be proactive.

And why not? Vince said, producing laughter. Then he put some stats on the screen. According to a report by researcher George Barna published on March 31, 2008, 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce and most of the marriages that survive lack vitality, real love, or purpose. Many couples stay married because of kids, finances, religious beliefs, or convenience.

So what went wrong, Vince asked, when singles went out with shopping lists of qualities for potential spouses, dated about twenty-nine people each, guided by that list, and married one of the twenty-nine or a thirtieth? He opened the floor for discussion.

Certainly, I thought, Vince isn’t going to tell us arranged marriages, online-matched couples, or the psychologically matched do better? Does he know anything about myriads of abused wives trapped in arranged marriages or the countless people who have been hurt or scarred through blind dates?

I wanted to ask but didn’t. I concluded I might make a fool of myself since Vince hadn’t mentioned this and I hadn’t read through his seminar material, the Being Single booklet.

Vince said that focusing on the type of spouse you want may cause you to overlook the kind of spouse you’re likely to be.

The ‘Being Single’ seminar, he added, draws attention primarily to the sort of person you are. The seminar will help you to think about and work on who you ought to be for that special someone of your dreams, the person you intend to live with until death.

That had a nice ring to it, I conceded. But many questions remained unanswered. I wondered if Vince rejected the idea of dating. What substitute was there for getting to know people? Was the alternative tested and proven, and with what level of success? I would wait and see. Perhaps Vince had it all figured out. I could hardly wait. We took a break.

Lisa, Jamie asked, what do you think? Are you glad you came? She was seated to my right in the third row of the center aisle, and we got up together.

Too early to tell, I said and excused myself to go talk to Vince. Doctor Nelson, I