Metamorphosis:: A Poetry Manual for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

By Robyn Apffel

Metamorphosis: A Poetry Manual for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse is designed to lead the reader to self-awareness and self-expression. The chapters are arranged chronologically, guiding the reader through early childhood, adolescence, courtship and marriage, body issues, and into recovery. Each chapter begins with remarks that provide personal context and ends with writing prompts that lead the reader to think about her own situation, to react emotionally, and to write poems in expressing her own story and emotions. As the reader becomes a writer, she will find the voice she needs to experience healing.

Written over the three-year course of psychotherapy, Metamorphosis is a book of transformation. The frightened, distrustful child becomes a confident adult, capable of active participation in life and relationships. She can look at her history and claim it as her truth and cast aside the pretense and lies that she had formerly been forced to live. She can separate herself from her abuser and hold him accountable for his actions, freeing herself from the blame that had wrongfully been placed upon her. She can find the happiness and satisfaction she deserves.

This book can be a valuable tool to use in conjunction with or following professional therapy. It can be used not only by survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but also by their partners in life, their friends and family, educators, law enforcement personnel, religious counselors, and even by abusers or potential abusers. Anyone who wishes to understand the effects of childhood sexual abuse can gain much insight by considering the pages of Metamorphosis: A Poetry Manual for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781496945990

Robyn Apffel

Robyn Apffel is a survivor of sexual abuse, who spent twenty years of her life actively working in counseling to resolve her childhood issues. During the final three years of psychotherapy, she used her own poetry as the backbone of her remediation, and in so doing, she finally found the voice that would heal her wounds. Writing her story freed her emotions, allowing her to put her past to rest. Robyn has published her poetry in the form of a manual in order to help sister survivors in their quest for healing. It is her hope that by reading this book and by using the writing prompts to write their own stories, others will discover their own voices more quickly and move on to a resolution of the painful issues in their lives. Robyn is a retired middle school teacher and lives with her husband of forty-five years in New Jersey. In addition to writing, she enjoys traveling, art, music, cooking, photography, and visiting gardens and arboreta. She is especially proud of her three sons, who have all grown to be responsible and independent adults and devoted husbands.

Book preview

Metamorphosis

A POETRY MANUAL FOR SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

ROBYN APFFEL

5.jpg

AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2014 Robyn Apffel. All rights reserved.

Photos by Robyn Apffel

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/23/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4969-4602-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4969-4599-0 (e)

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Part I The Early Years, Accountability

Don’t Be Afraid

Daddy

Song and Dance

Other Girls

Small Shoulders

Four Sisters

Train Track Lives

The Same Last Name

Against Her Will

Violation

Permission Denied

Magic Touch

On the Outside

Humpty Dumpty

Acts of Treason

Terms of Surrender

The Puppeteer

I’ll Play Your Game

Somewhere Else

What Will Happen?

Somehow I Just Knew

Whom Are You Protecting?

Where Is Your Baby Doll?

Using Writing Prompts

Writing Prompts for Part I, The Early Years, Accountability

Part II Twelve to Twenty, Developing Survival Strategies

What Do You Think?

My Body

Body, Mind, Spirit

It Ought to Hurt

Mirror, Mirror

School Days

La Habana

Teacher’s Pet

A Fine Family

The Observer

Cliques and Niches

A Few Good Friends

Seven o’clock in the Morning

At the Bus Stop

On Guard

Boxed

Emotional Armor

Hold Me, Please

Fly Away

Innocence Retained

In His Hands

The Sweetheart Tree

I Don’t Know Anything About That

Border Patrol

Great New World

Daisy Won’t Tell

Put Down the Pen and Turn Off the Music

Guilty as Charged

Twenty/Twenty

At the Top of the Stairs

Writing Prompts for Part II: Twelve to Twenty, Developing Survival Strategies

Part III Courtship and Marriage, Pre-Recovery

Personal Ad

Worthy of My Trust

If This Is Love

As Much as I Can

You Need to Know

One Wooden Horse Alone

Marriage Vows

A Map for the Journey

A Stranger in Paris

Sharon’s Secret

Nothing of Significance

Chameleon

Barbie and Ken

Patchwork

Three Paces

China Doll

Rosanna

Tears Alone

Mechanical Advantage

A Different Touch

A Spectator Sport

A Taste of Honey

Complaint Department

Old Flannel Pajamas

Pas de Deux

Writing Prompts for Part III: Courtship and Marriage, Pre-Recovery

Part IV Body Issues, My Physical Realities

More than That

Housekeeping

Take Good Care of Yourself

embodied

flight or fight

learning to breathe

They Say

Satisfaction

The Human Machine

Lies I Tell Myself

old habits

Going to the Hairdresser, and Other Acts of Courage

Getting Naked

Perfumes and Powders

grooming

Reach Out and Push Away

Hugs and Kisses

An Exercise in Yoga

A Friendly Touch

Wonderland

Silhouette

masculinity

without inhibitions

it’s my pleasure

Someone’s Fantasy

Writing Prompts for Part IV: Body Issues, My Physical Realities

Part V Recovery, Substantial Healing

I Don’t Know How

Contained in My Brain

Chaos

It

Feeling with a Limp

Only Words

Something to Say

I’m in Here

This Is My Reality, and Welcome to It

Journalism

paper truth

Shipwreck

Reconnecting the Circuits

Deciding to Grow

Don’t Tell Me How to Heal!

The Stone

Metamorphosis

Short Cut

A Lot of Answers

I’m Not Finished

The Menu

A New Pair of Glasses

Call Me Robyn

The Prodigal Son

The Lost Sheep

Never Far Away

Biorhythm

What I Need to Learn

Home to My Heart

Faces

Spiritual Connection

Dreamless Sleep

If I Share My Tears

Waiting for Me

I Love What I Am

As If It Should Matter

Jigsaw

I’m Not that Easy to Love

Growing Together

You Were with Me

After Eighteen Years of Marriage

Unveiled

Cloak of Innocence

Thou Shalt

Closer to Love

Time and Place

Reflections on Gifts

The Pearl

My Own Hero

The Grown-up Within

Fifty Things I Do Well

wisdom

The Living Water

I’d Rather Be Strong

Intentional Living

Negotiation

Tomorrow’s Memories

Tomorrow Morning

Predictable Surprises

Living by Imagination

Stages of Life

Durable Dreams

Personal Mission Statement

Writing Prompts for Part V: Recovery, Substantial Healing

Epilog

Acknowledgments

To my Sister Survivors:

for the struggles and the successes

that we all share,

for the strength that has sustained you thus far,

for the love, life, and laughter

you are sure to find in your future.

Your voices will be heard.

INTRODUCTION

Poetry speaks in the many voices I need to express the fears and heartbreaks of my child self, the struggles of my adolescent being far beyond the norm of self-searching and rebellion, the uncertainty of my trembling bride persona, and my evolving adulthood. Poetry synthesizes the fragments of my life that never dared to visit one another. Poetry crystalizes insights that I never knew I had and verbalizes feelings that I never allowed myself to experience. Poetry touches the core of truth in ways that a mere recitation of facts could never do, because poetry concerns itself more with verity of impact than with accuracy of detail.

The poems in this book do not constitute an autobiography, for, while they are essentially true and presented more or less chronologically, they are, first and foremost, poetry, which, by nature, contains an element of the imagination and a revelation of the universal. The medium of poetry allows me the paradox of both proximity and distance. I can stand intimately close to the emotion of my situation, while at the same time I can maintain enough distance from the intensity of my feelings to be able to withstand them. Poetry is intense; because of its brevity, it has to be. A twenty-line poem may equal approximately twenty pages of very powerful prose. The reader will quickly discover that these pages must be consumed in very small doses, one or two poems at a sitting. They need to be digested slowly, and that process is an exhausting one. They will be seasoned with many tears and they will be translated into the reader’s own language by bringing her closer to herself than they do to me. Indeed, the author of these poems will disappear completely in those pieces that truly touch the reader’s heart.

The language of my poems is highly accessible, as I write for communication with sister survivors, not for critics or poets. It is, nevertheless, fine poetry that employs a wide variety of technique and standard literary tools, but the images are clear and straightforward. The poems are still, however, highly interpretable, and herein lies the true gift from me to the reader. If these poems were nothing more than my story, I would write them only for myself and not for publication, but they represent much more than my own personal history; they chronicle the process of healing from sexual abuse, following the common steps that take us from injury to wholeness.

The process of writing this book, unlike the journey of life itself, was very orderly. I began writing this book at the age of forty-six, well into my own healing process, having counseled with my family doctor, several therapists, a few ministers, and many friends; having also read every book and article I could find on the subject; and having watched as many television talk shows, documentaries, and dramas on the topic as I could stand. I feel fortunate to live in an era in which sexual abuse is finally openly discussed and for which much information and support is available. Is this book different from all the others? Absolutely. First of all, it’s mine. No one else has written or can write the poems that have emerged from my heart. Second, the format of this book is different from any other that I have seen. It is not merely a collection of poems on the topic of sexual abuse. It is a painstakingly constructed diagram of the therapeutic process I underwent in order to remediate the damage caused by my sexual abuse.

Childhood sexual abuse short-circuits the normal developmental stages. The purpose of therapy is to provide understanding and to fill in the gaps. I am not a psychologist, but I am a survivor and I understand the process. The poems in this book have been very deliberately arranged to reflect the order of human development and the steps of therapeutically working through the residual issues of sexual abuse. I am a teacher, so I began as I ask my students to do, with an outline, designating major and sub-topics to be addressed. A glance at the table of contents will quickly reveal the outline of this book. My original plan for this work remained remarkably intact from start to finish. When I started writing, I began with The Early Years by filling in poem titles beneath the appropriate sub-topics and then I constructed the poems themselves. A few poem titles were altered or deleted, and others added. What amazed even me was that when I had finished writing about the early years, I found that I was completely done with my necessary therapeutic work on the early childhood issues, and had nothing left there to be resolved.

And so I moved on to the Twelve to Twenty chapter, following the same procedure, with the same results; likewise, the pre-recovery issues of courtship and marriage. And then I hit a brick wall: Motherhood. Nothing I wrote was any good. I was still in the middle of raising my three sons, and my efforts to be sensitive to their privacy left the poems sounding flat, insincere, and emotionless, not at all the way I felt. The issues I had with my parents may have left me feeling inadequate to the task of motherhood, but they never translated into issues with my own children. My three sons were innocent and delightful and wonderful, and I did not want to do them any disservice simply because I did not have good role models for parenting. I decided not to include a chapter on motherhood and moved on to the chapter about my body issues, also a difficult topic, but one that I forced myself to tackle precisely because I needed to accomplish some major healing in that area of my life. Since recovery is ongoing, I have never grasped the sense of having completed that section, and many recovery poems were written out of sequence as the spirit moved me and were then placed where they seemed most appropriate.

Although I entered into the course of writing with a clear view of what I wanted to write, my poems have served me very well by clarifying my own thinking. Much of what ends up in poetry is our subconscious knowledge, whether of a long-buried memory or a mature insightfulness. Imagery, the use of unusual phrases, and vivid metaphors often land on a page and look back at a startled writer. In literature classes we smugly give brilliant interpretations of classic works, claiming to know what an author meant or what events in his or her life may have inspired a certain line, but I must tell you that in re-reading my poems several times after several years, I have been surprised to find meaning in my own words of which I had not been consciously aware when I wrote them. Writing poetry can be a free word association exercise that releases tightly reined emotions, revealing to ourselves how incredibly well we have managed with this lousy lot life has dealt us, and we begin to stand a little bit taller, to make eye-contact with the people around us who used to intimidate us, and to speak more confidently. Through our own poetry, we discover who we are at the very core of our beings.

We also connect with others through the words of poems that evoke common emotions. The details of my life are unique, but when I write from inside the fear of a child, anyone who has ever been a child can respond to that emotion. The purpose of my publishing my poems on the process of healing from childhood sexual abuse is to lead the reader to respond, first by feeling the common emotion, and second by writing her own story. Writing prompts are given at the end of each chapter to suggest possible writing activities, but I encourage the reader to respond frequently to what she reads, and not to wait until the end of the chapter nor to limit her reaction only to the prompts that I direct. Any time there is a strong emotional response to a particular poem, word, or phrase is the time to sit down and write.

The greatest beauty of personal poetry lies in its total freedom of expression. There are no rules. Length is not at all a consideration. There is no need to follow grammatical conventions nor to be concerned with meter or rhyme. All vocabulary that is acceptable to the writer is suitable, and no subject is taboo. Overwhelmingly, secrecy about the abuse has caused the most significant and deepest wounds, and committing the truth of our lives to paper is the most courageous act of self-expression we will ever perform. The silence that was perhaps our ally in our youth is our greatest enemy in adulthood, and it is often excruciating to unearth the words to express what for us has been inexpressible. Poetry may be the language of love, but it may also be the language of outrage and indignation. There are words in every language for everything we have experienced, and in personal poetry we don’t need anyone’s permission to use them. The writer chooses her own words, and while some may be comfortable using crass or vulgar language, others may feel debased by using them, feeling that the words are in conflict with who they are. Readers need to respect the right of the author to self-expression without judgment. For some, hurling obscenities at the abuser just might serve the purpose of removing the dirt that was heaped upon them, unwelcome and uninvited, and throwing it back at the perpetrator. The important thing is to let your own writing reflect who you are, and not what someone else has told you that you must be. If my writing makes you angry, then harness that anger and write your own story.

For the most part, my poems are not very graphic, by design. There is little of shock value in my poetry because for impact I rely on the tension created by applying opposite forces within the same poem, but if you want to shock others with your writing, then you should go for it. A dear friend who has read all my poetry characterized it