Woody's World: Turns Left... into South East Asia

By John P Wood

If you take on board the health warning, sit back and let it happen. I hope that young and old get something from my travelog.Having had the chance to travel the world I want to share some of the insights that I have had. I make no apology for my irrepressible sense of humour which kept me going when the traveling got tough. I had no idea there was a writer in me only to realise that we are limited in a common strand of humanity so, I think a lot of people would appreciate exactly where I am coming from. It is surprising how vulnerable you become, taking part in other cultures, having to see everything from a different perspectives. You start with the idea that there is only one constant in all of this: yourself: 'Yes, but exactly who am I?' On this journey of discovery I have met many people, some amaziing: some out to take advantage of you, wherever you are in theworld, I guess you will confront such a wide range of human characteristics. Throughout I have been struck by the mobility of those who have so little by way of comfort in their lives yet are generous to a fault. It certainly makes you realise, just how fortunate we are in the west. Part of my travels are given to describe the sights and sounds that characterise different pictures, but the emphasis has always been on meeting and interacting with the wealth of people - not their monetary wealth, but the composite that makes up the human spirit. If some of the culinary delights made me ill and reduced me to a skeletal proportions the human experience has undoubtedly made me grow in stature. Welcome to the hilarious humour of WOODY'S WORLD.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Mar 13, 2007
• ISBN: 9781438949819

John P Wood

John Wood aka Woody, was born in Kent in 1975. There are three children in the family making Woody honourable son number two; well thats what the birth certificate says although we are still waiting for the adoption papers!His formative years were spent in Kent. John started school at theage of three, dancing his way through the evening to curb his excess energy. Today such a child would be classified as having ADHD. At the age of 11 gained a scholarship to stage school, serious training fuelled self-discipline respect for authority challenging Woody both mentally and physically. A back injury curtailed his dancing career. Good luck bad luck who knows; however it certainly added something to sharpen Woody's irrepressible optimism.There were wilderness years, until he joined the police force,every day a new challenge for him. Woody 's eyesgradually adjusted to theidiosyncrasies of the society in which we live.His sense of humour developed as a palliative to some of the extreme situations which he had to deal with, not such a difficult task for a guy with a natural talent for making people laugh. Mums plaintive suggestion that such humorous feast should be recorded were totally ignored but such an idea would come back to bite him.The chance was there to take asabbatical year to travel the world.The journey would start in South East Asia and turn left into Oz, right to N.Z. and then full circle through South America, USA and Canada. You are invited to share the experience - join him in South East Asia.

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At Mothers 

LOCATION: UK (DOVER)

DATE: 7TH JAN 2005

HEALTH WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a journal written by me a complete f*** wit who has the ability to laugh at every one else as well as himself.

If you are under the age of 18, then please ask your parents to read this out loud so that you can understand.

To anyone whom I’ve travelled with or chooses to read this journal, I hope you are not offended by what I have written – just me looking at the funny side of life.

Remember you read this out of your own choice: whether you like it or hate it, is up to you, I don’t give a s**t. I have done something that I never thought possible: grabbed an idea and made it a reality. I travelled the world ‘good luck, bad luck, who knows?’ - but please enjoy being part of ‘Woody’s World.’ Even when it becomes a dark and scary place remember the adage: Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

Woody: What the hell am I doing!!!!!

Not at Mothers 

LOCATION: (UK CAMBERLEY)

DATE: 8TH JANUARY

Well, the time has come after all this planning and endless hours of shift work (counting light bulbs at the various police stations.) to take the big leap into the unknown and see the world. I am quite anxious, but will be fine, - I hope. Let’s be honest, I am kidding myself: who would have thought I’d be doing this? I can just about string a sentence together, let alone take myself off to different countries and for a whole year too. ‘All by myself’, (Nobody loves me, think I’ll go and eat worms…)

My first stop is Bangkok to watch some ping pong????????? Hopefully, no one has put a bag of flour in my kit; otherwise I’ll be learning Thai pretty quickly, with the first phrase being ‘Not up the Botty’!!!!!!!!!! I hope you are able to follow my trip through my journal and see a glimpse of what I am doing and my adventures and, let’s be honest, some of my F*** ups…

Thank you all for your support and good wishes, I will miss you all. Keep in contact. Also, look forward to hearing all the news and gossip going on back in the UK, Germany and Spain.

Take care, be safe. Well, one of us has to.

Love

Woody

For the ladies XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For the blokes: ‘See the bear’s game’!!!!!!!

Woody: The time has come, dum,dum,dadum.

A long way from Mothers 

LOCATION: UK (HEATHROW)

DATE: 10TH JANUARY

With my bags all packed, locked and my hair all shaved off to a Grade 3 by Rothers my ‘in house’ hairdresser. Looking like a dipstick, or a safety match, with my lily white body and dark hair, we all piled up to Heathrow: ‘Me Bitch’ Jim, house mate, colleague and a best friend; JB another colleague and another one of my best mates ( lucky me, got a good deal on the internet at www.Buyabestmateandgetonefree.com ) and Helen (girlfriend at the time). In true fashion we headed to the bar for a couple of cheeky beers and my last substantial meal, which consisted of a mixed grill (bloody marvellous).

The time came and there we were standing at the gates, when it all started to hit me!!!!! I am not going to touch Terra-firma or see you guys for a whole year. Time had come to say goodbye. I wish to know from Helen, JB, Jim and Dave (a good friend whose real name is Terry) which one of you was wearing make up?, because as I walked through into the lounge I looked as if I was going to war and had cammo paint all over my face. May I recommend Max Factor ‘no smudge’ stuff next time?

Putting my bags through the security, I headed straight to the duty free to get my roll-up tobacco equipment, and the bog standard travel book.

As always, I was met by the Metropolitan Police for my usual protection through to the plane (thanks, Bats). Sent some last-minute text messages to anyone that wanted one - you know, last minute stalking. Boarded the plane, and as requested managed to get one of the bulkhead door seats with more leg room. Once on the plane I was shown to my seat in cattle class - not used to cattle class but hey, you have to try these things. I tell you, did I laugh or what: some poor bloke about 6ft 6in stuck behind me kissing his ankles, whilst there is me with all the leg room in the world by the doors and with so much room. Watched a couple of films to pass the time, then great dinner came through. Choice of chicken or beef, so being health conscious I took chicken. It was only Thai curry. Ah well, tasted OK.

Went to the land of nod, and, with my 7th sense, just woke up in time for breakfast. Obviously, being a small eater, I passed on it!!!!!!! Top tip to get an upgrade: play about with the TV so it doesn’t work, then the fine staff at BA upgrade you. Thirteen hours later I arrive in BANGKOK!!!!!!

Woody- Am I doing the right thing, Arggggghhhhh?

Never too shy to mix in 

LOCATION: THAILAND, (BANGKOK)

DATE: 11TH JANUARY

As we came into land, I began to realise what a crazy place Bangkok was going to be: who the hell puts a golf course in the middle of the runway, for starters? Who do you shout ‘Fore’ to when you tee off, and where is the 19th hole? Duty free by any chance!!!!? Once we had landed, I commenced the walk through to the arrivals bit; thought this is going to be crazy with lots of Thai people running around, but hey, it was pretty easy! I was half expecting that the Customs Hall would be full of officers searching through people’s bags, and sniffer dogs etc, All there was were two chunky Thai guys, in the tightest uniforms, chatting away and not really paying the slightest bit of attention to what was going on.

It just goes to show that these idiots who get caught have been set up by the big fish and the little fish are used to distract the guards as the big fish carry hoards of drugs through. Just say NO!!!!!

I was not in the mood to fight for a taxi so I just picked up an airport job: must have had Mug written all over my face!!!! Clearly overcharged a bit more than normal but at least I knew I was going to be on my way hassle-free. (Well, sort of) Got in taxi and started to practise my Thai ME JOHN YOU ARE? SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING????

Got chatting, and found out his name, which I think was BIN CHEE or BEN LEE or something similar; all I heard though was ‘Dave’. Dave, the taxi man having asked me for 100bt for the toll on the motorway, which is about as organised as the police at the Epsom Derby, a virtual free for all.

We rock up to this toll booth and old Dave, with his sleight of hand trick, paid the 20bt toll fee and without me noticing placed the other 80Bt in his top pocket. Wow, did not see that coming……..not only does he do that, he then takes me straightaway, without hesitation, to a Massage Parlour. I tried in a gentle way to say, Look, Dave, 13hrs on plane, me tired, want to go to hotel. He got the message; he won’t be driving for a while on an account of he can’t see!!!!!!!! As if I was going to go inside and say:

Hey leave my stuff in the car and I’ll be back!!! I would have ended up on the first plane home!

Eventually got to my hotel and Dave said without hesitation, $1 tip. I tell you, they are not a forward race: very shy people, yeah right!!!!!

Hotel room is OK, basic but clean. Ten channels of crap on the 1965 TV, air con system is like sleeping in a wind tunnel.

Woody: - The wind is not me…

Quick to Acclimatize  

LOCATION: THAILAND, BANGKOK

DATE: 12TH JANUARY

The first day, I was up at 8:45am, down to breakfast. Little did I know what a culinary delight it was going to be? Wandering down through to the hotel and thought it was a bit of a Pearl Harbour, so stuck on my jumper. Then, as I wandered out in to the open, Jesus, it was hot, I was roasting; completely forgot about the air conditioning. Der, feeling like a right idiot, no change there, then. Went into the restaurant and found a table for one, sad lonely man. Doing the walk-by to see what delights I had to choose from and the Thai style breakfast…..looked promising.

Thought I’d play it safe and opted for what I recognised as scrambled egg. All I could say is ‘Pollyfilla’. Great selection of curries though, but you know me, eat anything. With that all over and done with, I head back to my room to organise myself and take my jumper off. Heading out on my first day’s adventure in this strange world, being all grown up and mature. My first plan was to find the Cambodian Embassy. With my ‘Lonely Planet’ in hand, I headed off down to the metro. After staring at the machine for 10 minutes and working out what ticket to use, I opted to ask the ticket man instead.

The train network was pretty impressive: clean and the trains run pretty much on Thai time, which, if I’m honest, could be whenever the driver liked. Following my map, I wandered in the direction of the Embassy as indicated in my map book. Walking up and down the same street for 20 minutes, I eventually found the entrance on the next road, and up an alleyway with no sign in place to indicate where I should be going. I wandered in and found the forms which I was supposed to fill in, realising that I need passport pictures and copies of my passport. Why do people in the Lonely Planet not say this, leaving poor stupid people like me to waste time?

Getting some directions from the guard, he pointed me in the direction I needed to head…

I was off down a street and managed to get eight pictures (God, I look ill, like I stepped straight out of Belsen Concentration Camp). With that job jobbed, headed back to the Embassy, managed to stuff up a load of the forms… I did somehow have trouble spelling my name In Cambodian. How do you write W*****R????? .Are you supposed to fill it in Cambodian or English. Eventually got it sorted, paid my $20 dollars and left my passport with them and was told to come back at 4:30pm.Should give Dave enough time to make copies of my passport and flog them on the black market, can you say that these days in the ‘Politically Correct’ world we live in?!

With time on my hands I headed off for a wander, looking around the streets at the various sights and chaos that there is in Bangkok. Whilst walking around I kept getting these women saying Message, Message for $100; sod that, I can send a text for 20p. Before I knew it I had kind of got lost, so remembered my S.A.S. training (Salvation Army Service) and kept turning left, and hey presto I was back where I started. Crossing all the main roads was somewhat a danger in itself and I used the locals for cover. Hey, I did not come all this way to get killed, and need some padding, so they all come in useful. The only way I can describe it is:

1. Shut your eyes

2. Turn around

3. Stand on one leg

4. Hop across the M25 backwards.

Should give you a rough idea of how to get across the road.

With the nightmare of that little escapade over, I headed to the local park to have a rest. Finding shaded tables and chairs, I whipped out my trusty standard pack of playing cards and ended up teaching a Thai man the technical game of Card Patience. He did well, though I won every time with my ‘sleight of hand’ card shuffling that I picked up from Dave the taxi man. Having out-stayed my welcome, I got the hint when his mate turned up and they wanted the table - or was it twable – back. I say, How rude. Taking myself off for another wander, I got the hunger pangs, and found myself some local produce: chicken feet, dog nuts, cats tail….Hmmmmmmm. After my lunch of Fido and puss-in-boots, I was off again wandering around looking for the Vietnam Embassy; spent hours looking for the place, to find that all it was a door in a wall, no sign, nothing. No wonder the Americans had trouble finding Charlie during that cock-up in the 70’s, I mean conflict!

Time came to wander back to the Cambodian Embassy, where I got talking to an English girl from Wokingham, called Marie. Nice girl, her journey was ending as mine was starting. We chatted while the clock ticked round to Thai Cambodian 4:30pm which ended up being 5.30 pm. Hey, I am in no rush – it’s not like I have to get up for work in the morning.

She invited me for a night out to meet with her and a guy she had met - called Mark. Seeing as I had nothing else to do and all that was on TV was some Thai rubbish, why not.

Saying goodbye, I wandered back to my hotel by means of train. Time came to head out to the KOH SAN Road which is somewhat of a backpackers’ Mecca. Finding them in the bar which she told me about, and for the life of me cannot remember what it was called, met this Ozzie Mark, Friendly guy, he works as an IT bod, and earns a fortune doing Square Root Of F*** all. Makes you sick.

Drinking a few of the Tiger beers and wandering the streets, we came across this food market; we did not exactly come across it, Mark knew it was there all the time. The stall was very much ‘helfen ze self’. Being a virgin to this sort of thing, I just followed Mark’s lead and pretty much went for what he picked: green curry, rice and some other strange looking thing… Must say, though, hot and pretty tasty…. Sure I will not be saying that in the morning.

Mark wandered off and then came back with a bag of freshly fried Locusts. Oh goodie, have not had locusts in such a long time, and to top it off - some dried worms. I will try to explain the taste sensation on this little delight: basically, if you sniff the inside of a rabbit cage and turn that smell into taste, that’s what locust is all about. As for the worms, they were like chip sticks. Can’t see Walkers marketing them somehow. Heading off and looking at the various items on the stalls and the constant hassle from the Tuk-Tuk drivers. Taking refuge at this bar offering cheap cocktails, out the back of a VW camper van. Novel idea, I suppose, chatting away and getting grief off street sellers,

Ow bwy twis, stuff…twis owiginwal, to which the answer was

Erm no, no and, er, no.

Having been told about the ping pong shows, while you are in Bangkok. Flagged down a Tuk-Tuk. These guys are able to spot a fare 100 metres away blindfolded. It screeched to a halt and we jumped in the back of a possessed Tuk-Tuk driver, little Disco on wheels. We were off, pulling wheelies and all sorts - we were off to Sleazeville.

Now, if you have never been in a Tuk-Tuk, then you are in for a treat: it is basically a shopping trolley with three wheels (all three being used at once is optional). You take your life into your own hands in these things….as for the drivers, they have just been let out of the funny farm. Arriving at the Pap-pong area of this delightful city, am instantly hit by the Flashing lights and Lady Boys, being invited into these Entertainment venues by the ‘Public Entertainment Officers’.

Heading into this particular Club, called ‘Lucky Dip’ or something similar… well if the name fits. The place was offering exotic girls and entertainment??????? Purchasing our drinks and finding a seat not to close to the stage but close enough, well how often do you get to see something like this. Whilst sitting there and taking in the ambience, we were approached by what can only be described as Trolls, not what I would call exotic more like exhumed. The Exotic girls would come up to, you hands all over the place:

Hey, mwister woooo sow bwig.

I know, I am 5ft 11in…..

You want mwassage?…..

Erm, no thanks…….

Then, on the stage came the dancing girls; well, I think they were girls. All I can say is don’t try this at home, girls. Basically, get your self a real Classy Bird, bits of string, razor blades, (not your Mach 3 kind), flowers, 5in nails, 10 blown-up condoms, a pea shooter and 10 darts. Well, I let you think of what happens next!!!!!!!!! I mean, can someone tell me at what stage of their life did they realise that they were able to do this, and when they told their parents they must have been so proud. Certainly an eye opener - imagine your little girl turning up to the church fete with that little gem of a party piece.

Time came to head off and my jet lag was setting in. Said goodbye to Mark and Marie, with the arrangement of meeting up with them the next day to do some sightseeing.

Woody: That has to hurt…….

Know Your Limits 

LOCATION: THAILAND (BANGKOK)

DATE 14TH JANUARY

Due to the drink and jet lag, mainly the jet lag, I overslept, missing breakfast. Oh, what a shame!

Good luck, bad luck: bad luck I missed the sightseeing tour; good luck as I have to go to the Vietnamese Embassy at some point.

Headed off and decided to go do some sightseeing. For 20bt managed to get a ride around the city. Saw Buddha’s’ of various sizes, shapes and meanings, but must say they were all very impressive. Did the ‘take picture’ thing, even the self-timer ones, problem is, every picture is of me looking shifty - making sure no one is going to steal the damn thing. Having seen a fair amount of the City, all be it from the back of a Tuk-Tuk, Dave dropped me off at this final temple. Having a look round, I had the ingenious idea of walking back to my hotel. Since I have legs and a map book, turning left I headed off up the road. Walked for about an hour and had completed about an inch on the map. Still some way to go when the hunger pains set in. Finding this small corner café/restaurant/insect farm, grabbed a curry and rice - had not had one for at least 12hrs. It tasted pretty good really.

With my bag on me back, quick check of the map book, I headed off again, map in hand, wandering up these streets, seeing the way these people lived. I realise it was very much a place where you either had money or you did not. Big families all cramped into small homes, generations all living under the same roof. Three hours later I was getting close to where I wanted to be. As things started to look familiar to me, I recognised Dave, whom I saw standing there the day before. He was about 1ft smaller and fatter and wearing different clothes, but I am sure it was him.

Reached the point where I could just jump on a train for 10bht which is 20 pence. Oh no. I had to prove a point to myself…thinking that I had to go straight on, I headed off, following the line of the train. Off I plod, and plod……. After 2.5 hrs of plodding I started to enter the badlands of Bangkok. I mean, we are talking dark streets and shifty looking people. But being brave and trying to blend in (I mean, this shaved head, sick white and with map book trying to blend in) and doing a rather crap job of it, decided to get my map out. Oh, wrong turn. Oops! I turned round and walked back again, through the shifty streets of Badland Bangkok, but with my S.A.S. training, I was prepared.

After an hour’s walking,