Defy the Odds: An Inspiring True Story About One Woman’S Soul Searching Battle with Lies, Lifestyle and Love.

By E. Lawrence

Have you ever found yourself questioning everything youd previously thought to be true? Have you ever wondered God, where are you? or God, did you intend for this to happen? Have you ever wrestled with being comfortable in your own skin? Has fearfully and wonderfully made ever seemed great for others, but not accurate when it comes to you? Have you ever wondered if youre too far gone? Or if Gods grace is enough for you? After all, how much can grace really cover? Grab a front-row seat and witness one womans struggle as she battles a fully unleashed devil. In the darkness of her doubt and fear, she searches for Gods will and questions the scope of His grace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 30, 2017
• ISBN: 9781512772463

E. Lawrence

E. Lawrence grew up in small town America, raised with strong Christian values. She was both a high school teacher and coach and to the world, had it all together. However, her life took a very dark turn when the real world made her question so much of what she’d always accepted to be true. Bad decisions and one huge mistake led her to a place that neither she nor those closest to her ever would have imagined. Now, fresh out of prison, she boldly and honestly tells her story of grace and redemption in hopes of helping others avoid similar pitfalls and to encourage those who might find themselves fighting similar demons.

Book preview

Chapter

I n the beginning…no, that won’t work. Once upon a time…nope, this definitely isn’t a fairy tale. Wow, I’m not sure exactly where to start this. I guess I’ll just begin where every story should begin, with honesty. My life has taken some very interesting twists and turns. Sometimes I have handled them on my own. Other times I have looked for help in all the wrong places. Occasionally I got it right, but those times were too few and far between. My life was in chaos.

I was thirty-one years old and in all reality, avoiding my life for a minute by attending a musical at a nearby theater. That’s when it hit me like a wave rushing over me. I’d heard people talk before about God talking to them. I’d always been a little jealous of it to be perfectly honest. I couldn’t understand why God would talk to so many people, but not to me! I mean, I’d been going to church and Bible school my whole life. I enjoyed Christian music, and I prayed every night (ok, almost every night) before bed. I really thought I deserved to be talked to! Well, ever hear the saying, Be careful what you wish for?

That night my parents and I had gone to see the musical, Flash Dance. They already had season tickets so they had to add a ticket to the reservation to take me. I was in no place to argue or look a gift horse in the mouth, and I certainly didn’t want to be alone, so I got dressed up, and off we went. Because of their season-ticket package, they had a pre-show presentation. This was an hour-long presentation in which a very knowledgeable man talked about the background of the play, the intricacies of the sets and shared some information about the actors and actresses. I was cordial in listening, even though to be perfectly honest, my mind was completely some place else. And that’s when it hit me.

God: You need to write a book.

Me: "What? Yeah, right. For one thing, I have no idea even what I would write about."

God: You’re going to write a book comparing and paralleling your life to your Bible hero, David.

Me: "Oh, of course I am. Because I have so much in common with a shepherd or a king from thousands of years ago!"

God: Trust me…I’ll help you.

Me: "Well then, I guess that’s settled."

I left the small auditorium and got out on the sidewalk heading over to the main theater that was down the street, and I remember telling Mom and Dad, Uhm, I had a thought in there. Now my parents, for the first time in my thirty-one years of life, had become informed of everything going on in my life, and exactly what roads and alleys I had veered off onto and ventured down without them knowing. But we’ll get to that a little later on. When I told my parents about this book, they didn’t laugh or criticize, or reply with anything that I was thinking.

Mom said, That’s really cool. You’re a good writer, why not? Then she said something that she said first, but that has been repeated to me by so many others at random times. She said, You’re really going to help people. God’s going to use you in ways we don’t even know yet.

Well, I thought that was a little over the top. Let’s remember the only reason I was even at this show with my parents was because I had totally messed up my life! And I’m going to help people? God Almighty, maker of Heaven and earth, is going to use a kid who has had the world by the tail and lost almost EVERYTHING to further His kingdom? That certainly wouldn’t be my plan. But, neither would sending someone I loved to be killed in place of a bunch of people who constantly disobeyed me, cursed me, and disappointed me. How lucky we all are that God’s plans don’t in any way resemble our own.

The rest on the night and the next few months became a bit of an internal battle about this book. I felt a lot like Moses in the book of Exodus where he tried to explain to God that he wasn’t a good enough speaker or leader to lead an entire group of people out of the imprisonment and slavery of Pharaoh in Egypt. But, similar to His response to me, God had something else in mind.

Before I go any further, please allow me to make it abundantly clear that I in NO WAY view myself to be even in the same arena as David or Moses or Paul whom I will reference later. Those men are Bible heroes! I’m just a simple person who made some mistakes, got a few things right, but is trying to turn something productive out of my mess. Do I think God had my life go crazy so that I could write a book? Not at all. My mistakes and failures are all mine. God doesn’t bring evil into our lives. That was part of the deal as soon as Adam and Eve tasted that apple. We have been given the gift of free will, and I used that gift wisely sometimes and very foolishly at others. But God never left my side. He was there in my triumphs, smiling away, and He was there in my failures, arms open, waiting for me to come back. While God didn’t cause my failures, I know He allowed me to be tempted. I know this because the Bible shows examples over and over of God allowing His children to be tested. Even His own Son was tempted by the devil as we read in the forth chapter of Luke. The Bible also tells us that God will never allow us to be tempted with more that we can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.)

Here’s how I picture it. Bear with me; I like analogies a lot. I view this allowing of temptation like God having the devil on a leash. But not just any ordinary leash. I mean, come on, He’s God! He clearly has a special leash for the devil! I think it’s like a retractable dog leash. God allows different amounts of leash out depending on who the devil is focusing his negative attention on. I picture God standing back watching the devil edge closer and closer, throwing more and more distractions, temptations and cruelty at us until, YANK! That’s far enough, Satan, I can hear God saying to him. I think that the stronger we become in our walk with Christ, the more of the leash God lets out. And recently, I’ve realized that God also decides when WE have strayed far enough away from Him, and God wants to get our attention. He’ll lets out the leash a little extra then as well. I’ve heard the saying, God can’t put you back together until He has all of the pieces. And at this point in my life, God let the devil’s leash all the way out and said, Go ahead. Tear her apart…BUT, leave me all the pieces.

I certainly don’t think God’s done with me, and I know I’m not done with me either. I hope this book and my story will act as a help to others who maybe got torn apart too, or hopefully to some who have yet to face a fully unleashed devil. It is my humble prayer that my story, with God’s help, will be in some way a blessing to you and your life.

Chapter

G rowing up, I think I was a pretty typical little kid. I had two of the most amazing parents that anyone could ever ask for. They were, and to this day still are, loving, supportive, involved, and a great example of how to live a Christian life. As a kid I remember lots of time in the car rocking out to Amy Grant and Sandi Patty. While other kids were watching MTV and VH1, we were told that apparently those channels did not come in at our house. Ah, parental controls. And honestly, I didn’t really care. When the New Kids on the Block broke through as the first hot boy band, I couldn’t have sung you one of their songs. Now before you get the image that we sat around the house singing praise songs, praying, and fasting while we churned our own butter, let me assure you, we were a very typical family in most ways. My brother was three years older than me, and he was my permanent playmate. We played everything together. If the weather permitted, we were outside playing basketball, baseball, football, kicking around the soccer ball, rollerblading, or swimming in the pool. When the weather was not conducive to being outside, we were inside playing games like Battleship or drawing or playing on the Atari. For you young readers, that was the best we had before Xbox, Wii and PlayStation hit the market. And a lot of times, we brought our outdoor activities inside. We played basketball and soccer inside, much to the destruction of Mom’s lampshades that we were constantly knocking over or breaking. My best friend lived down the street and she and I got into our share of crazy activities too with street hockey, bike riding and climbing the huge trees in her backyard.

So many times we hear about people who ended up in trouble in their adult lives because they had a bad childhood. Too many times children are lost in the foster system or a parent leaves or the child is frequently left home alone. This wasn’t the case for me. My parents were both teachers, so their vacation schedules lined up almost exactly with ours. We took a family vacation to the beach almost every year. Christmas vacation was always filled with making cookies, sledding, Christmas movies and shopping for the perfect gift. Every year, to this day, I tell my dad that I will be giving him his favorite gift. Even though Mom always gets him great gifts, it’s just one more tradition of the holiday season. And boy, do we have Christmas traditions! It is by far the family’s favorite time of the year. We used to decorate the house together, inside and out, every year. No matter how cold it was, the day after Thanksgiving was the day to pick up the Christmas tree. We decorated cookies, read through the advent calendar, and sang carols in the car. But best of all was Christmas Eve. Mom and I would start in the morning making the Christmas Wreath for the next morning’s breakfast. It was a sweet roll of gooey brown sugar and cinnamon that we twisted in to the shape of a wreath. It has always been a special time for the two of us. Then, in the evening, we would all get dressed up and go to Christmas Eve service at church. When I was little, I remember lying down in the pew either on my grandmother’s or aunt’s lap and drifting off to sleep. Mom and Dad were in the church choir, so we kids were always entrusted to the care of our grandparents during church. When we got a little older, Christmas Eve service became even more special. My brother and I both decided to be baptized into Christ on Christmas Eve, two years apart. Then after church, it was time to carol…our style. We loaded into the car or van, and Dad would drive us around town to look at all the beautiful Christmas lights while we sang along to Amy Grant’s Tennessee Christmas album. And every year, without fail, I would throw-up. Yep, that’s right. When I got too excited or anxious, I puked. Dad would pull the car over, and right there, on the side of the road, Merry Christmas to all. Then we would head home and my brother and I would leave out cookies and milk for Santa, and a carrot for Rudolf. (In case you’re curious, yes…we still do to this very day) Christmas morning was like a child’s fantasy. Gifts were everywhere, stockings were full and smiles were all around. It was a magical time of year.

The Christmas season was just one month, but really very typical of what it was like year around. We talked around the dinner table every night. That was a family rule. No matter how late it got, dinner as a family was a must. Most of the time it was homemade, or as schedules got busier it would be fast food, but it was always together. Family was always a priority.

Chapter

F rom the YMCA through college, sports were always a driving force in my family. We loved sports. Mom speaks proudly of her whiffle-ball career growing up, while we all know her best days were those manning second base on our church slow-pitch softball team. My brother and I played every sport offered at the local YMCA. I was three years behind him, so I had the advantage (not that it seemed an advantage at the time when you’re a kid who isn’t old enough yet) of watching and learning well in advance of my turn to participate. And as I got old enough to play, my older brother was always there to cheer me on and critique my game. He was pretty much my own personal coach. The story goes that while I was still in my play-pen, he would drag his huffy basketball hoop over and try to teach me to shoot the ball into it. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I could stand up yet! So from an early age, he was teaching me how to shoot, dribble, throw, catch, etc. He was definitely in the running for being my biggest fan. Outside of playing sports, we took lots of trips to watch the nearby professional teams. Dad was born and raised a fan, so it was naturally passed down to us. We loved the energy and competition that came with the games. And it was something that we all enjoyed and could share together.

As I got older, my school sports started to become the focus of our sports fetish. I was very fortunate that God had blessed me with natural athletic ability. Sports came very easy and natural to me. I was a tiny kid, but my heart for sports and competition was huge! And this is when David first became my Bible hero.

1 Samuel 17:45-50

David said to the Philistine, You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands."

As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.

So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him."

David, as we read in 1 Samuel, was the youngest child in his family, and he was a little guy. But David had a big heart. David wasn’t intimidated by the giant Philistine, Goliath. He saw the bigger challenger and thought, "Hey guys! What’s the problem? Yea, he’s big…so what? His brothers saw him as a bit of a pest, but David knew that while he himself was small and young, his God was bigger than anyone’s imagination, and more powerful than our comprehension. So, David went in, full of confidence, and took on the giant…and won! Now, what little guy" wouldn’t pick that guy for his hero? David’s battle was even referenced in the classic basketball movie, Hoosiers! Little did I know that my similarities with David were just beginning.

I didn’t come across any giants that wanted to enslave my family or neighborhood per say, but I did come across some big battles that I was only successful in by the power and strength of Jesus Christ. While sports brought me a lot of enjoyment and even later on, a career, they didn’t come without their baggage. Athletes often have a certain reputation, fair or unfair, of being cocky, arrogant, partiers and sometimes just not respectable people. I hate even saying that because it was so important to me to never let that stereotype be acceptable. My brother ran across some real characters in his years of participating in junior high athletics. People thought that if they were more talented, that it must give them the right to treat anybody else however they wanted. Whether it be giving other teammates swirlies in the toilet or rubbing deodorant in people’s hair, they would bully people however they saw fit to appease their own amusement.

Again, being the younger child, I had the chance to watch and observe for years before it became my turn to enter this proverbial arena. I remember having talks with my parents about this often. I was constantly reminded that there is a difference between an athlete and a jock. Athletes acted with class and respect. It was also constantly instilled into me that my ability level did not make me any better as a person. As I stated before, sports came easy to me. In high school I was the first athlete at my school, male or female, to earn twelve varsity athletic letters. I was a starter in every varsity sport, volleyball, basketball and softball as a freshman. This was my saving grace. I wasn’t like most of the people I played with or went to school with. I didn’t swear, I didn’t drink, and I didn’t sleep around or bully anyone. I was in the band and the choir, and I tried to treat every person I came into contact with according to that individual person, not what that person participated in or what other people said about him/her. I watched my brother get bullied right out of sports, and I was absolutely never going to do that to someone, or let that happen to someone while I was around. I honestly think that if I hadn’t been good at sports, that I would have been labeled as a big nerd. I wasn’t exceptionally attractive. I didn’t drink, so I didn’t party with the cool kids. I didn’t swear, so I’m sure how I talked was weird to people, and I didn’t participate in making fun of people. Was I perfect? Absolutely not! Not even close. But I was trying to live how I thought I was supposed to. I was grounded in my faith and I never tried to hide that. And for some reason, because I was talented with a ball, everybody pretty much left me alone.

Did I have problems? Sure I did. I still got made fun of by some people. I got called names for not drinking; I got called a boy because of my love for sports. I had people spread rumors about me that I was gay because I had some close friends that were girls and I rarely dated boys. People had no idea how what they said made me feel, because I never let them see it. And eventually, they moved on to another target. But like I said, I always had a built in defense because when push came to shove, I had my athletic success, and it really helped me stay confident in who I was. Like David, I fought the giant head on. My giant wasn’t an actual person. My giant was stereotypes, teenage cruelty and cattiness. But God was with me, so I just kept plowing through. And to most people, to the world, I had it all. A great family, success in school both academically and athletically, and a strong faith. Amazing how a good front can cover up so much that’s hiding just under the surface.

Chapter

T he interesting thing about the mind is that we can have a million things going on inside that nobody ever has to know unless we volunteer the information. Sometimes this is a really good thing. Can you imagine if we constantly had a comic strip bubble above our heads that told every thought that passed through our minds? Whew…this world would be a dangerous place! But sometimes, the fact that we can have things in our minds that nobody knows about can be just as dangerous and harmful. There are lots of reasons we don’t say things that are on our minds. Sometimes we are afraid we will hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes we are afraid if we tell what’s really going on, we will get ourselves or someone else in trouble. Sometimes we want to keep something a secret or a surprise to make someone happy at just the right moment. And, sometimes, we’re ashamed or embarrassed. Whatever the reason is, it is our decision alone if we want to voice our thoughts, or if we want to keep them locked away in our personal vault.

To anyone watching my life, including those who were the closest to me, everything in my life was picture perfect. And that’s exactly how I planned to keep it. I was a very proud person. I never wanted to admit that I couldn’t do something or that I needed help. So, of course, when I got to the point of being sexually abused by someone close to me, telling someone was the very last thing I wanted to do.

At first, I didn’t realize what was going on. I was five years old when I first remember this happening. (In an effort of grace to those in my family and close friends who do know the abuser and the extent of the abuse, I will not go into any detail.) This occurred over a span of my life from age five to the age of fifteen. I never told anyone. I couldn’t tell my parents! I would have totally let them down. Or so I thought. And, as is the case with most acts of sexual abuse, the abuser was someone close to the family. I would never want to get that person in any type of trouble either. There were a couple of times I vividly remember giving hints to my parents that something was wrong, but they always fell flat. Looking back as an adult, I don’t blame my parents that they never picked up on those hints. In all actuality, I was trying to hide the situation. I remember as I got older, I knew that what was happening was wrong. I knew it made me feel uncomfortable and dirty. I remember praying to God to make it stop. But it didn’t. I started to put up walls. I started to harden myself toward people and not let them get close enough to hurt me. I didn’t do it intentionally, but looking back, that’s exactly what happened. I found my self-worth in my athletic and academic success. I figured that everybody had problems in life, and this was mine.

When I was eight years old, my dad was unfairly terminated from his teaching job. He came home and told us one day after school. We were in the kitchen, and I’ll never forget it. It was the first time I’d ever seen my daddy cry. It was explained to us that some things were going to change, but that we would be ok. At the ripe old age of eight, all that meant to me was, things are bad right now, and we need to behave extra well and not ask for expensive things. Real profound, right? But this was definitely NOT the time to voice my problems. Mom was still teaching at the school that had let Dad go, so that brought on its own problems and challenges. We were living on her paycheck and Dad’s substitute teacher check, so things were strained to say the least. Not to mention the emotional turmoil and depression that they were both fighting daily. No, there were enough problems. I was absolutely not going to add to that. We held together as a family and continued to trust God and find joy through the storm. Remember last chapter? To the world, I still was having that picture perfect childhood! That was all true. But there are always things locked away in the mind vault.

As I got older, my brother entered junior high. Have you ever come across those people whom you love because Christ told us to love, but you’d really rather slap across the face? Well if not, you’re either lucky or lying. My brother was surrounded by them. Teenage boys should be classified as a different species. They enter into a phase that can be really undesirable. Bullying becomes the way of determining their place in the locker room jungle. The bigger and meaner you are, the more power you have. And if you laugh and go along with it, you’re accepted. But if you are unlucky enough to be chosen as the target, well, good luck to you. And don’t you dare stand up to them and help someone or you will surely find yourself to be the next target. I felt awful the night I found out that my brother had become one of the targets. He and I were cut from very different cloths. I was adventurous and wild and a very confident person. My brother was cautious and calculated. And while those can be good qualities in the world, they aren’t as helpful in a junior high locker room. He was having a hard time and it took a toll on all of us to watch. It was a helpless feeling to not be able to do anything to fix it.

So, I did what I could do to help. I kept my mouth shut about my own problems. Mom and Dad had enough on their plates. I was certainly not going to add to it. Was that the right decision? Probably not. I’ve learned only recently just how strong my parents are and how much they can handle. But for then, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I was the strong one. I didn’t need anybody. I could handle everything on my own. By the way…God, are you listening? I could really use some help.

Life went on. I went through junior high and high school and sports became my focus. It brought joy not only to me, but to my entire family. My parents, brother and grandparents didn’t miss a game or scrimmage. And as my confidence grew, I eventually would stick up for myself.

While I never had to run away and hide in a cave, I did feel like I was constantly hiding once again like my hero, David. David was running and hiding from King Saul. It wasn’t fair, but here’s the story in a nutshell. God was not happy with King Saul or how he had strayed away from God. So, God made it known that David, champion over Goliath and mighty warrior over tens of thousands of the enemy, would be the next king. King Saul obviously didn’t like the idea of that, so he pursued David in hopes of killing him and eliminating the next in line to the throne. So, David was on the run. He writes multiple times in the book of Psalms about how he is being unjustly chased by his enemies. At this time in my life, I was being chased unfairly. Nobody deserves to be the victim of abuse. It doesn’t matter if the person is the leader of their Sunday school class or the leader of a gang or anything in between. Nobody deserves to be abused in any way. I remember getting very frustrated. I remember praying to God, "How long is this going to last!? How are you allowing this to happen? Where are you!!!?" What I didn’t realize then, but I do now, is that He was right there the whole time. We are human, and humans have free will. Along with the gift of free will comes the gift to choose. And sometimes, lots of times, we choose poorly. God didn’t want that to happen to me. God’s heart must have ached as He watched one of His children hurt another one of His own.

When I spoke