Saudade: The Love That Remains

By Irenay Stevens

Have you ever felt at a loss for words? Like there wasnt a word invented for the situation or emotion you were experiencing? That was exactly how I felt. After you were gone there was nothing I could say to express the way I felt.
Empty? Broken? Hollow? None of those words began to describe what was going on inside my heart. People say all wounds heal with time.That was not my experience, as time passed the longing for you became more intense. I was sure something was wrong with me. How could I love you when you were not even there? When I wasnt even sure of your existence?
I stumbled on a word that I never heard of before. It was a silly article that popped up while I was doing research online.
Saudade: The Untranslatable Word Everyone Sings About. I was intrigued by this and as a teacher of a language wanted to know more. It turned out it is a Portuguese word that is defined as a melancholy nostalgia. There are many different definitions for this word there was one that I thought was most appropriate. The love that remains.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Africa
• Release date: Aug 17, 2016
• ISBN: 9781482862096

Irenay Stevens

The author is a young South African teacher who has always had a passion for creative writing. She feels that the written word is powerful and filled with magic. And that stories can transport the reader from this world to another.

Book preview

Contents

Prologue

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

Him

Her

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Her

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Her

Love is not fickle

Love is not fleeting

Love is a terminal affliction

Love is rarely convenient

Love does not take no for an answer

Love hurts

True love is worth it

Prologue

Her

It was the craziest thing. I was at a pub that I never went to with a group of people from varsity that I didn’t even like that much, but when they asked me to go I was compelled to say yes. I was sitting with my back to the door of the pub. It was rowdy and sports enthusiasts were streaming in and out. A girl sitting to the left of me had captured me in a conversation and she was going on and on about her latest break-up. I felt trapped and was thinking of ways to excuse myself without coming across as rude when I felt his eyes bore into my back.

I turned around to see who was staring at me and locked eyes with him. My first love. The boy from my youth that I never quite forgot. He looked astounded when he saw me and for a few minutes all we could do was drink each other in. When I saw him I instantly felt like the awkward, clumsy teenager I was when I first fell in love with him.

He was so gorgeous when we are at school and I always felt self-conscious around him. We were really good friends even though I felt shy when I was in his company. One afternoon we had some free time to fill while we were on a camp. I was exhausted, the camp was jam packed with activities so I found an empty trampoline and relaxed for a bit. He strolled by and I invited him to join me. I was lying on my back looking for shapes in the clouds. I was incredibly nervous. It was completely ridiculous. He was my friend. I tried shaking off the feeling but it stuck. He took what felt like an eternity to take off his shoes and socks. He lay down beside me, but instead of looking up at the clouds he stared at me. I turned my head and smiled at him without saying a word. Our eyes locked and I felt his shamrock green eyes melting away at my defences. It felt like a magnetic field was surrounding us I was drawn to him. Before I knew it our noses were touching. I gave a quick smile to hide my nerves. I quickly closed my eyes because in my heart I knew where this way leading and I was afraid my eyes would betray my fear. My lips had a mind of their own and they puckered up to meet his. His lips were on mine. It was softer than I expected. The kiss was soft and chaste. Light rain touched my cheeks as he kissed me. It was nothing like I imagined my first kiss to be like. Once we kissed all the nerves disappeared and I was sure that his lips were meant for mine. I felt safe.

We broke the kiss and stared into each other’s eyes. Not speaking a word our souls had a profound conversation. I was spellbound. He was the most handsome young man I had ever laid eyes on. His fingers stroked my cheek. His hands were rough against my soft skin. Heat radiated from his fingers and it warmed my cold face. The rain was the only thing that reminded me that I was in the real world. His thumb brushed over my lips and I left a trail of soft kisses.

His fingers laced through my wet hair and I was drowning in the pools of his eyes. He pulled my face closer and kissed me again. This time our kiss was filled with desire. Hormones were racing and I felt my heartbeat quicken. As the kiss intensified my confidence grew and I kissed him back. It was surprising. I had never experienced anything like it at all. I ran my fingers into his hair and pulled him closer to me. Our kiss was very clumsy, but I knew that I wanted to practise this skill with him and no one else.

When he let go of my face he stared into my eyes with such intent I was sure that if I were standing my knees would have buckled under the weight of that look.

You are my sunshine, he whispered in my ear as we broke our kiss and he took my hand in his.

My hand fit into his perfectly. It was the most comfortable place it had ever been. I knew he was leaving at the end of the school year and that this would probably never happen again, but in that moment I let my mind wander off to a place where I could imagine us together forever.

And now he was standing in the door of the pub, years later, and he still had his boyish good looks. Our eyes found each other his pools of green looked deep into my soul.

I gave him a shy smile and tucked my hair behind my ear. He walked over to where I was standing and swooped me into a hug. Sunshine, he breathed into my air. Like he was finally coming up for air.

Her

I can’t sleep… The weight of nothingness weighs heavy on my chest. How can I even begin to explain the way it feels? I can’t think. I can’t function. It feels like I can’t even breathe. The knowledge of knowing that I had my grasp on that one person that made me feel whole. It was there in my reach and I let it slip through my fingers. It’s essential for my sanity to get these feelings out of my system. I need to just get this mess of thoughts that fly through my head organised so it can at least feel that there is some sort of sense t o it.

Where do I even start? Way back at the beginning or at the moment I realised I had lost that person forever? Was it the beginning of the end from the moment we first laid eyes on one another? How could the universe be so cruel? If we were destined to end up apart why were we ever thrown together?

Questions… Not the easiest of ways to spend your night. As I lie on my bed, listening to the rain beat against my window I search for answers within myself, but come up blank. You see you don’t really know that something is going to make or break you. Time, time is what teaches you that lesson.

When I first saw this person I didn’t know that what we would share would be so soul consuming that nothing else could ever compare. If I knew this beforehand I would never even have introduced myself. I would have never made idle small talk while lying on my back looking up at the clouds on a warm summer’s day. Never would I have opened up myself to unimaginable adventures. But then again I would have never had known true passionate all-consuming can’t survive without it love.

When love hurts more than the joy it brings then you know it is true - well that’s my take on it. People say that love should be comfortable and warm and fuzzy. I cannot bring myself to believe that. In my opinion I think love should drive us, push us beyond our limits, and scare us to our very core… True love should have the ability to destroy us. That is most certainly how I felt after you left. Utterly devastated. Not immediately though, I knew that day when you called me up it would be the last call. I prepared myself. So when you drove away that day I didn’t even shed a single tear. I went on. Found someone else. Someone safe, comfortable, reliable, predictable. It was great… That is a lie. It was fine… It was boring.

At night I would lie next to this person and I would feel the longing for you. It started recently, out if the blue. For months I didn’t give you a single thought and now all my thoughts seem to end up with you.

Destiny. We were meant to meet. Surely what we shared could not have been a random occurrence? I believe it was set out by the gods. Two souls drifting. Finding each other in the craziness of this life. Then - chaos! Do you ever think of me? Would your heart recognise the pain my heart feels? If we were two strangers passing in the night would we again feel that instant connection? Questions… awful aren’t they.

We are separated by a distance so great. Yet, it feels like I can sense your uncertainty. Are you happy with the choices you made? Were they the right choices? When you look back on your life would you have done it differently? Are our paths set in stone and no matter how hard we fight it we will end up exactly where we are destined to end up whether we like it or not. Did our time, no matter how short, accomplish what it needed to? I don’t believe that. I think that you could have made me a whole person and I you.

Now… We are two pieces… Drifting. It reminds me of a legend I was told by no one in particular. Plato believed that humans were originally born with a head that had two faces, four arms and four legs. But Zeus, the king of the gods, was afraid that these humans might be too powerful. So he split them in two. Condemning them to spend the rest of their lives in search of their other halves.

And I wonder… Lately… What makes you smile? What makes you laugh? That magical special laugh that I love. Are you happy? What makes you happy? Who… Who makes you happy? All the questions are driving me crazy.

I see you everywhere in everything. On my way to work stuck in traffic I find little things that remind me of you. When I’m at work someone will say something and I’ll immediately want to share it with you. Whenever I see pink milk I want to cry.

Worst of all on the outside I pretend. It uses up all my energy. Pretending. I pretend to be whole, to be happy. And most of the time the cracks in my exterior are too small to be noticed. Sometimes tears well up in my eyes for no reason. I forget that inside there is an emptiness. When I get busy or preoccupied and you are not on the foreground of my mind then suddenly I feel this sadness. My heart reminding my head you are no longer residing within it.

All these thoughts ran through my mind, but that had to end.

So I found myself in a new relationship. A relationship doomed to fail from the very start. I was aware that it was only a bridge.

Him

I had to leave. I had to. It was impossible for me to stay. The energy around her is like sunshine. Bright, lovely. I could not destroy it with my storminess. How cou ld I?

It would have been selfish of me to stay and block her sunlight with my clouds. Or would the warm rays have been able to penetrate through? Was it even fair of me to consider that?

No. She is light, free, and optimistic. I could not take away from that with my troubles. And the memory of her will be my silver lining.

As I sit here on the beach I try and find her laughter in the crowd. The laughter I love so deeply. The laughter that once soothed my soul. She doesn’t know this but she healed me. I was completely broken when she found me and slowly her touch put the pieces back together one by one.

I can’t believe it has been a year since I last saw her. Smelt her. Held her. Kissed her. It feels like only a few moments ago. When I close my eyes I can see her tossing her hair laughing while looking at me with that fire in her eyes. I am an idiot. I let that perfection slip through my fingers! I had that person. The one person who completed me. And now… Now it is too late. She will never forgive me.

How could she? I made promises. Promises that I intended to keep. Promises I would have loved to follow through on. My biggest dream was to see her walk towards me in a white dress down the aisle and vow myself to her for eternity. At night when she was peacefully sleeping next to me I could imagine what our children would look like. One boy, two girls. When she smiled in her sleep I pretended she could see our children in her dreams and that was the cause of her face suddenly glowing. If I could I would have given her everything. And that is exactly why I disappeared. She deserves better. She deserves perfection. And I am so terribly flawed.

When I first saw her more than ten years ago she was just the new girl in school. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything like that. And when I got a message from her years later while I was studying at university I thought it might be fun to catch up. I did not expect that she would shatter my insecurities and change my whole world. But what did I expect. She has always been a force to be reckoned with. Fierce. Passionate. Determined. Unbelievable.

Fate got in the way. In a society where everything is so disposable our connection was too life altering. The gods knew that if they did not intervene our love could change history. Even if I never see her again I would die a happy man. I experienced paradise in her arms.

She made me whole and ruined me at the same time. There has been others. I thought the best way to get over her was to move on to someone else. All these woman that have passed through none can compare.

They are beautiful, educated, witty - treasures of women. But they are not her. No one will ever be her. When another woman puts her hand on my chest I want to slap it away. That is what my soulmate always did. I think she did it unknowingly, like a habit. Whenever we found ourselves just lying down she would put her hand on my chest close to my heart and my heart would start beating just a little quicker. I can’t. I’m done. I’d rather be alone than be with someone that has so many shortcomings when compared to her.

I came to the beach hoping that the sea air and gush of wind would clear the cobwebs. It was unsuccessful. Sitting here, thinking, just left me with a yearning in my heart. It was physically unbearable. It feels like an emptiness that just cannot be filled. I stand up determined. I know what to do…

Her

I needed something. Something to help me get over you. And when I am with him I do forget what we had for a moment. But when the realisation hits me that you are no longer with me, that there no longer exists a term us I break a little inside. But I am stronger than this. You left me no explanation, no closure. I will not let the end of our relationship be the thing that rules my life. I am independent. I don’t need you. So I am going to put all my energy into this new relationship. If you wanted me you would have said something, did something, anything, but nothing and its killing me slowly. To hell with this you didn’t want me. Communication is so easy these days yet I hear nothing of you not directly or indirectly. It’s like you just fell off the r adar.

After the winter break I’m starting a new job I have a new romance I am going to make a fresh start. Part of my heart will always belong to you but it is time I reclaim the part that is still mine.

So I will allow myself to indulge in the memory of you once more and then I am moving all thoughts of you and what we had and what we could have been to the back of my mind. I close my eyes and recall every moment… That first night we spent together it was so unexpected and I was so unprepared. I didn’t wash my hair or shave my legs, yet you made me feel irresistible. When your lips brushed my skin I knew in that instant I wanted your lips until the end of time. It was exciting and strangely familiar. Like my hands knew exactly where they needed to go. You felt like home. Like this night was predestined and our souls where ready. Our minds and hearts just needed to catch up. When you ran your fingertips over my bare shoulder I shuddered. I was afraid that once I crossed that line there would be no coming back. I did not expect it to be the most amazing experience of my life. Lying in the nook of your arm, you pulling me protectively closer to your chest. I will never forget the tenderness of that moment. You were so sexy. Your muscles flexed as you put your arms behind your head. How did we get here? Did you not feel what I felt? Could you not sense the finality of our destiny? When I looked into your eyes at that I saw a future I didn’t even knew I wanted but in that moment I recognised it was more than I ever dreamed of. And you were the reason behind it all.

I stop. I don’t want to think back anymore. Why? Why did you go? That is the question that will haunt me for as long as I live.

Him

W ithout her I will wither and my soul will die. I tried moving on and living in a world without her presence but I can’t do. I don’t want to do it. Yet, I know right now is not the right time for me to see her. I will break down and let her pick up the pieces. It won’t be fair. I need to heal myself. I need to find myself. I need to rediscover my pur pose.

After the death of my father I was livid! I was angry at the situation and angry at myself. There was so much unnecessary distance between myself and him because of what now seems like nothing. I wasted years not spending time with him and now it’s too late. The pain of that realisation was overwhelming and I needed to break away.