Is That Your Neighbor in the Basement?: A Hit and a Miss

By Barbara Oliver Fletcher

Edna and Edith are back!

From the author of Is That Your Mother-In-Law Under The Bed? and Is That Your Cousin In The Closet? comes the third book of the series featuring those two mischievous senior citizen sisters as licensed private investigators out to rid the world, or at least Chicago, of murderers, counterfeiters and overall bad guys. They dont always do things by the book, but they get the job done in their own sometimes dangerous, but comical ways, much to the surprise of Ediths son, Eddie, a police detective. Eddie, the voice of reason, is always reminding the two of them regarding the boundaries within the legal system, not to mention that orange is not their color and how hideous they will look in those orange jumpsuits provided by the Department of Corrections.

Join the sisters as they become targets and discover their names at the top of a killers hit list.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 28, 2014
• ISBN: 9781496949035

Barbara Oliver Fletcher

Barbara Oliver Fletcher was born in Worcester, Massachusetts, then lived in Brookfield, Massachusetts, for sixteen years until her move to California in 1969. A retired travel agent, she now resides in the small coastal community of Half Moon Bay, California, just south of San Francisco where she enjoys photography, binge-watching TV series, playing Bingo, and writing. Visit Barbara online at babaraoliverfletcher.com.

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© 2014 Barbara Oliver Fletcher. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse    10/27/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4969-4902-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4969-4903-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014919088

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Preface

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Dedication Page

This book is lovingly dedicated to my daughter, Cheryl Nicoll Gauthier, for all of her hard work, support and input which has made this book a possibility.

From the author of Is That Your Mother-In-Law Under The Bed and Is That Your Cousin In The Closet? comes the third book of the series featuring the same two lovable, adventurous, comical senior citizen sisters, Edna and Edith once again proving that age doesn’t matter when it comes to catching the bad guys.

PREFACE

Although the names of the characters in this book are completely fictional, several of the events depicted are based on actual events which have occurred in my life, my daughter’s life or a family member’s life. We have been blessed with lives that are far from boring or mundane. Either way, life has been humorous and eventful, riddled with short stories. Never a dull moment!

CHAPTER 1

WOW! IT’S SURE BEEN A busy last few months, hasn’t it? Edith said as she poured her morning coffee.

Yes, it has. Edna answered sipping her cup of coffee. I have a new son-in-law and I finally have a grandchild. A beautiful granddaughter.

Yes, you do. And Erica is absolutely adorable. Edith said. You’re so lucky she lives close by. My only grand child is a couple thousand miles away.

Well, you can share mine with me, you know? I just wish your daughter would move back to this area again with her family.

Yeah. So do I, but I don’t think that will ever happen. Edith said sadly. I guess it’s time to consider a trip to California in the near future to spend some time with them.

Yes, it is. You haven’t been out to see them for a couple of years now. Edna agreed.

I’ll look into it soon. Edith remarked. Hey. Why don’t we both plan a trip to San Francisco for a visit?

That’s a great idea, Edith. Edna expressed. Let’s do that. I’d love to see Elaine, Carl and Beth again.

The sisters sat and discussed a trip to California together for a few minutes while they drank their morning coffee and decided that a trip to San Francisco was definitely in the cards in the future.

Well, Janice said we have a new case, so we should think about getting to the office pretty soon.

The office is E&E Investigations, which is owned and operated by Edna Barnes and Edith Johnson, two sisters in their late fifties and early sixties who had spent several years working with their husbands in their private detective agency in downtown Chicago in the 1980s and 90s. Both women loved the adrenaline rush of stakeouts, catching the bad guys, and solving crimes. After their husbands passed away they decided on a much slower pace of life for their retirement years so they sold their homes, pooled their funds, and purchased a new double-wide in a quiet senior mobile home park just outside of Chicago. Their lives consisted of quilting parties, Bingo and daytime television until Edna’s daughter, Ellen, showed up at their door with suspicions regarding her husband. This call for help prompted the sisters to jump into their detective mode, which they sorely missed, and their investigation uncovered a mistress and a murder plot which ultimately saved Ellen millions of dollars.

Edna and Edith were once again bitten by the detective bug and were eager to start a new detective agency. Ellen, thankful that her nest-egg was saved used some of that money to help establish the sisters with their own agency, E&E Investigations.

Edna had one daughter, Ellen, now married to Brad Evans and lives nearby. Ellen and Brad married recently and now have an infant daughter, Erica. Edith had two children. A daughter Elaine, who is married and lives in California with her husband, Carl, and young daughter, Elizabeth; and a son, Eddie who lives nearby and is a detective with the Hammond Police Department.

The ladies sat and enjoyed their coffee then Edith made breakfast while Edna loaded the car with the essential stakeout necessities; DVD Player, movies, a thermos of coffee, cups, doughnuts, cookies, potato chips, ice chest with water and soda, and surveillance equipment. Edith was just putting the food on the table when Edna walked into the kitchen. Edna turned on the TV and put on the news while they ate their breakfast. When they were finished they cleaned up the kitchen.

This morning is sure flying by quickly, isn’t it, Edna?

You’re right, it is. Let’s get changed and get off to work! Edna responded.

The ladies went to their rooms and changed into their work attire. Edna, Edith and Dildo the dog arrived at their office just before 10 am and greeted their receptionist. Good morning, Janice!

Mornin’ ladies. Ready to get to work? Janice asked as she walked over to Dildo and gave him a big hug. Was he any problem for you guys?

He’s never a problem, Janice. We love doggie sitting for him. Edith answered as she petted the dog. I’m glad you share him with us.

Well, we sure missed him. Janice said as she walked over and poured them each a cup of coffee. Is it okay if I drop him off at your house later on? Eddie and I are going to visit a sick friend in the hospital this evening.

No problem, Janice. Edith said. We love having him.

Let’s bring our coffee and the file into my office. Edna suggested.

The ladies grabbed their coffee and walked into Edna’s office. Okay, Janice. Let’s see what you’ve got.

"Okay. Julia Hinshaw thinks her husband, Homer, has a Mistress. They live in the park at 48 Pine Circle. Homer goes off all the time and won’t tell his wife where he’s going or where he’s been. He’s gone at all hours of the day but will only say he was with ‘a friend’ when she asks. She has asked him point-blank if he’s having an affair and he just laughs and says he’s not. She wants to know what he’s doing and where he’s going! She says he’s acting really secretive and suspicious."

Pine Circle. Isn’t that off of Hemlock Lane? Edna asked.

Yeah. I believe it is. Edith answered.

What kind of a car does he drive? Edna asked Janice.

Janice opened the file and scanned through the information and answered. He drives a silver 1993 Toyota.

Do either one of them work? Edith questioned."

No. They’re both retired. Janice answered. She told me that they owned an adult book store over in Aurora for a while, then they sold their house and moved here and it was too far to commute. They tried to move the business here but the city turned it down. So they were forced into closing it which has caused them a great deal of financial hardship.

Oh that’s too bad. We really could have used an adult bookstore in town. It’s such a long hike to the one in Chicago. Edith declared to a very surprised Janice and Edna.

The room went silent for a few moments as Edna and Janice stared at Edith without saying a word. Edith was in her own little world and hadn’t noticed how quiet it had gotten. As she came back to reality she realized that Janice and Edna were staring at her. What? She asked as she looked at the two women.

You frequent an adult book store, Edith? Edna asked wide-eyed.

Sure. Don’t you? Edith answered with a surprised look on her face.

Even if I did, Edith, I certainly wouldn’t admit to it. Edna answered with raised eyebrows.

And why not, Edna? What’s wrong with a little erotica now and then?

You’re as bad as a horny teenager, Edith. Edna laughed.

Well I’ve got a couple of books in my room that you can borrow and you might just change your mind about the whole idea.

Don’t they give you weird looks when you go into one of those places? Janice asked.

I have just as much right to be in there as they do and they’d just better get used to it. Edith snapped. And if anyone looks at me weird, I just give them my weird look back at them. She wrinkled her nose and flexed her eyebrows.

Boy. You learn something new every day. Don’t you? Edna mumbled to Janice.

Yeah. I’m kinda speechless here. Janice declared wide-eyed.

You guys are a couple of prudes. We’re all sexual creatures. Edith countered. Edna, you need to get the stick out of your butt and embrace your sexuality. Try it. And you just might like it.

Edna stared at the smile on Edith’s face in wonderment for about a moment then picked up the file on the desk and continued the original conversation.

Do we have a photo of Homer? Edna asked Janice.

Janice dug through the file and handed a photo to Edna.

Okay, then. Let’s go see what Homer Hinshaw is up to! Edith declared.

The ladies walked out to Edna’s silver Honda. Did you bring the DVD player and the Gilmores?

Sure did. Edith answered. And I also brought the rest of the stuff on our stakeout list.

Coffee, doughnuts and such?

Got it.

Great. Then let’s go! Edna yelled excitedly as she opened the car door and slid in.

Edna drove down Spruce and took a left on Hemlock and then a right on Pine Circle and parked in front of the empty lot next to 48 Pine Circle. There were two vehicles parked side by side in the driveway, a silver Toyota and a red Dodge Durango. The house was a single wide mobile home which was badly in need of some TLC. Weeds had taken over the front yard and the car port roof needed to be propped up on one side by a long board. The girls each poured a cup of coffee then opened the box of doughnuts and kicked back and waited. After an hour Edith plugged in the DVD player and put in a Gilmore Girls DVD.

I’ve got a couple of hard R movies I could bring on our next stakeout, Edna. Are you game?

No, no. The Gilmore Girls is about all I can handle. Edna answered shaking her head.

About a half hour into their show the front door opened and a man exited the house and walked over to the Toyota and got into the driver’s seat. The girls looked at the photo in the file.

Yep! That’s Homer all right. Edith pointed out as she looked at the picture.

Homer was a clean-shaven man about 5’10 with graying hair and probably weighed about 180 pounds. He was wearing a blue jacket, black pants and brown work shoes. I’ve seen that guy at functions put on by the park. Edith said.

Yeah. I remember him from the park’s Fourth of July picnic and a couple of Christmas parties. Edna agreed.

Homer started his car and backed out of the driveway. The girls ducked down and waited till he went around the curve then proceeded to follow him from a distance. He drove out of the park and then after a mile or so he turned left onto Central Street. He pulled into the driveway at 43 Central Street and parked behind a green and white 1955 Chevy.

The house was a beautiful little green and white ranch with a basement. The home was very well maintained with flowers, trees and bushes abound. They could see a small fenced in area behind the house with what appeared to be a vegetable garden with tall stalks and tomato plants. There were flower beds everywhere they looked.

Somebody sure likes yard work. Check out all of this vegetation. Edith noted as Edna parked across the street from the house.

And everything looks so pristine. Someone has certainly put a lot of work into all of this. Edna said. And that 55 Chevy is in mint condition.

Uncle Jim used to have a car like that. The same color. He didn’t want to get rid of it even after the car died and he replaced it. Aunt Gloria finally made him give it up. Edith recalled.

I remember that. That car was his baby. I thought he was going to cry when they took it away.

Yeah. Men get so attached to their cars. Edith sighed.

Homer stepped out of the vehicle and walked up the sidewalk to the front door, knocked twice and entered.

I wonder if this is where he goes all of the time.

Well, we won’t know that for sure until we watch him for a while. Edna concluded. But I do need the license plate number on that Chevy.

I wonder if he’s visiting a woman here?

We’ll just have to sit and wait and hope that we can find that out. Edna said. Now, I think it’s time for the Gilmores.

Yes, it is. Edith agreed as she pushed play on the DVD player.

The ladies sat and watched a couple of episodes of the Gilmores. It’s getting on lunch time very shortly. I wonder how long he’s going to stay here. I’m starting to get hungry. Edith announced.

Me, too. Edna agreed. Hey, we’re close enough to home. Let’s run home and grab a bite and then we can come back and see if he’s still here.

We’ve got some left over spaghetti from a couple of nights ago. I’ll fry that up for lunch. Edith proposed. How does that sound?

Actually it always tastes better the second time around. Sounds good to me! Edna answered as she started the car and drove away.

They went back to the house and had lunch and were back in front of 43 Central Street about an hour later. The Toyota was still sitting in the driveway with the 55 Chevy. This time they noticed a light in the basement shining through one of the basement windows.

I didn’t notice that light on in the basement when we were here earlier. Edna stated.

Maybe they just now went down to the basement. Edith reasoned.

In either case we have to see what they’re doing down there.

Maybe they’re making Moonshine. Edith guessed. I can see corn stalks in the back yard. They could be making corn liquor.

Or maybe they’ve got a model train set up down there. Edna disputed. It could be anything.

Yeah. They could be making an adult movie down there for all we know. Edith added with a mischievous grin on her face.

Edna laughed and shook her head. When it gets dark and I can safely creep up to that window without being seen, I’m going to go and look. Until then we can dream up hundreds of scenarios.

This time I’m hoping they are making an adult movie. You got to enjoy the Sex Club the last time while I got stuck sitting in the car. Edith complained.

Okay. If there’s any sex going on in that basement I will signal you to come and look. Edna maintained. Okay?

Okay! Edith answered enthusiastically. Deal!

Honestly, you sound like a sex-starved teenager. Edna mumbled.

The girls went back to watching The Gilmore Girls until it started getting dark.

Okay. Now it’s time.

Edna gathered her camera, cell phone and police scanner and made her way through the trees toward the basement window. When she reached the window she got down on her knees and cautiously peeked in making sure her movement in the window didn’t draw their attention. There were two men in the basement and they were both wearing what looked like latex gloves and white one piece zip-up suits. They were also wearing masks over their mouths and goggles. Making sure the flash was turned off on the camera she began snapping photos. There were paper bags sitting on the table where the men were working. One of the men was Homer Hinshaw and Edna guessed that the other man was the home owner. Well, there’s no porn going on down there and they’re definitely not making Moonshine. Edith will definitely be disappointed.

Edna lay down on her stomach and watched the two men for a while as they worked. She felt a bug or something on her face and brushed it away unconsciously. She continued watching engrossed with what the men were doing. She thought she felt something on her arm and brushed it away again without a thought. Okay, I’ve seen enough for tonight. She said to herself as she slowly got up and scooted over to the trees making her way back to the car. She slid into the driver’s seat.

No porn, I take it. Edith said sounding disappointed.

Nope. And no Moonshine either. Edna answered huffing and puffing. Homer and some other guy are dressed like something you’d see in a science-fiction movie. They’re wearing one piece zip-up suits, latex gloves, masks and goggles. They seem to be working with something in paper bags.

Sounds innocent enough. Maybe they’re making some kind of fertilizer for all the plants in their garden.

I suppose so. Edna agreed. But we still don’t know if this is where he’s been going all hours of the day. We’ll just have to keep following him.

Edna felt something crawling on her arm and grabbed the flashlight to take a look. She saw several big black ants crawling on her arm. Ants! She yelled. Big black ants!

Edith shone her light on Edna and could see there were ants crawling all over her. Get out of the car, Edna, quick! They’re all over you!

Edna leaped out of the car and started jumping around like a Mexican jumping bean. She could feel ants crawling all over her so she ripped off her shirt and then unzipped her pants letting them fall abruptly to the ground. She hopped out of her pants, bent her head over and shook her head back and forth vigorously as she ran her fingers through her long hair. I can’t get them out of my hair! She yelled as she frantically began jumping up and down on the side of the road in her underwear. They’re in my bra, too! She yelled as she reached around back and unhooked it, tearing it off and shaking it so violently that her ample breasts almost gave her a black eye. Now she was down to just wearing her underpants as she loudly cried, They’re all over me, Edith! Do something!

Shhhh! They’re going to hear you, Edna! Edith whispered loudly at her. What do you want me to do?

Pull the car down the road where they can’t see it and I’ll follow. Edna yelled.

Edith moved over to the driver’s seat and slowly moved the car down the road with Edna hopping up and down next to the car. Every time a car would come from either direction Edith would stop and Edna would duck down behind the car. Just as she thought things couldn’t get any worse, Edna began twitching as she could feel the little critters heading down south. She let out a yell as she quickly ripped off her panties and was left standing there stark naked next to the car. I’m not putting any of these clothes back on, Edith. Just take me home. Quick!

They were so busy taking care of their ant dilemma that they didn’t hear the man with the dog walk up behind Edna. Excuse me. Is there something I can do to help you? The man said as he gazed upon Edna’s shiny, white butt in the moonlight.

When she heard the man’s voice, she froze. Wide-eyed she slowly stood up and turned around pulling what clothing she could in front of her to try to hide some of her nakedness. It may have been dark, but not dark enough as far as she was concerned.

Edna? Is that you? The man asked.

Oh shit! Edna thought to herself.

Walter? What are you doing way over here? Edna asked a little flustered. Walter Guaraglia was the man who called Bingo at the clubhouse in the park every Wednesday night.

I live down the road a piece. I’m just out walking my dog. Walter hesitated as he gazed upon Edna’s naked body.

Edna fidgeted and continued trying to stretch her clothing to cover up her body. I suppose you’re wondering why I’m standing here stark naked. Edna said as she wracked her brain trying to come up with a good explanation.

Nope, not at all. Walter answered. It’s none of my business. He said as he started to walk away. Then he stopped and turned around. I will say, Edna, this is a side of you I’ve never seen before. He looked her up and down with a big grin on his face then turned and walked away whistling I see the moon, the moon sees me…...

See you at Bingo Wednesday night. Edith yelled as Walter walked down the street.

Crap! Edna bellowed as Walter got a distance away. Bingo will never be the God damned same.

Yep. You’re right. Edith added then giggled. He’s gonna picture you naked every Wednesday night from now on.

Shit! Edna answered. There goes my innocence!

Since when were you ever innocent, Edna? Edith said with a chuckle.

Edna glared at her sister and didn’t say a word. She ran around the car and quickly jumped into the passenger seat, buckled up and closed the door. She let her clothes hang out the window and let them blow in the breeze as Edith headed the car toward home. She kept running her fingers through her hair and fidgeting in her seat as she imagined ants crawling all over her. I think they’re in my ears, Edith.

Well, put your fingers in your ears and pull them out, Edna! Edith yelled.

Edna stuck her fingers in her ears and wiggled them around then stopped and started fidgeting in her seat. Oh, my God, Edith. I think they’ve gotten into Dinah!

Dinah? Edith asked inquisitively.

Yes! Dinah!

Who’s Dinah?

Dinah! Edna yelled. My vagina!

Dinah the vagina? Edith asked with a smirk on her face.

Yes! Edna yelled as she looked at the grin on Edith’s face. And your point is?

You have a name for your vagina? Edith giggled.

Yes! Yes I do. Edna yelled adamantly.

Edith looked at Edna trying hard to hold back the laughter. I bet you have names for your boobs, too. Don’t you?

Edna was silent for a moment. Charlotte and Claudia.

Dinah the vagina and Charlotte and Claudia the boobsy twins. Edith quoted as she started laughing hysterically.

Just hurry up and get me home, Edith! Edna yelled as she glared at her sister who was still laughing and wiping the tears from her face.

I’m driving the speed limit, Edna! Edith said while still laughing and wiping the tears from her eyes. I’m having a hard time seeing through the tears.

Edna was still glaring at Edith. Well, go faster. And stop laughing!

Are you going to pay my speeding ticket? Edith yelled back still laughing. Better yet, how would you explain your nakedness to a police officer, Edna?

Oh, crap! Slow down! Edna mumbled. I hadn’t thought of that.

Edna slowed down to the speed limit. Things were quiet for a minute or so.

Are we in a funeral procession, Edith? Edna yelled impatiently.

You told me to slow down, Edna! What do you want me to do?

I want you to hurry and get me home, Edith. These ants are all over me!

I think it’s your imagination, Edna. I believe you got them all off of you before you got back in the car.

The ladies pulled into their driveway around 9 o’clock. Edith, you go ahead and unlock the door then step out of the way. Edna yelled as she took off her seat belt and opened the door.

Edith went up the stairs, unlocked the door, and then stepped back to make way for what was going to be a small tornado coming through the doorway.

Edna quickly looked around to make sure Mr. Winslow wasn’t out walking his dog. One man with a dog seeing her naked was enough for her. She then made a dash for the back door, dropping her clothing on the stairway. She zoomed past Edith and Dildo, the dog, and made her way to her bedroom and slammed the door. Edith heard the shower come on as she walked by Edna’s room on her way to her bedroom and started singing. She’s gonna wash them ants right out of her hair, she’s gonna wash them ants right out of her hair………………

Dildo is the orphaned dog they had recently acquired when their next door neighbor had passed away. The minute they took the dog off the leash he ran to the girls and stuffed his nose up in their crotch, thus the debate on whether to name him Tampax or Dildo. Since he was a male, they went with Dildo. He was finally broken of that habit and is now a full-fledged leg-humper. They considered changing his name to Humphrey, but decided he was too used to his name to change it at this point. Although the dog now lived with Edith’s son, Eddie and his girlfriend, Janice, whom they had recently saved from a crazed stalker, they were dog sitting for the evening while Janice and Eddie visited a sick friend in the hospital.

After a very long shower Edna joined Edith in the kitchen with a towel wrapped around her head.

Feel any better? Edith asked trying to stifle a giggle.

Well I don’t feel the pitter patter of tiny little feet anymore if that’s what you’re asking. Edna answered sarcastically.

Dildo came over and put his head on Edna’s lap as if he knew something wasn’t right and wanted to make it all better. Edna lovingly petted the dog.

Poor thing. He’s been stuck inside ever since Janice dropped him off earlier today. Let’s take him for a walk! Edith suggested as she walked over and hugged the dog.

I have a few things to do first and then we can take him out. Edna said then went into the bathroom and started blow-drying her hair. A few moments later she emerged with dry hair and dressed in a hot pink sweat suit. Edith dug out Dildo’s leash and hooked it up and the three of them walked out the front door. Despite the darkness the decorative lamp posts the park had just installed gave off just enough light to see where they were walking.

"Let’s keep a watch out for skunks and raccoons