The Shame’S on You

By Khyati Kohli

There isnt a pain as excruciating as watching your mother die in front of your eyes. The only thing that makes it worse is not knowing what could have caused her to end a perfectly normal life. As events unfold, Sheena finds out a harsh, impalpable truth about her saint mother that makes her question everything shed grown up observing and helplessly believing in. The big bundle of dark mysteries slowly begins to unravel, and Sheenas highs and lows are finally put to bed when she finds out the twisted circumstantial reason that drove her mother to end her life.

Through this novel, the author asks questions that were too afraid to ask and initiate suppressed conversations that have the potential to uproot the ingrained gender biases. Women who often try to look for a life partner in their husbands but end up finding a dictator instead will relate to the story on another level. Global exposure gained from living in cities like Los Angeles and Sydney forces the author to challenge the limitations of the misogynistic Indian society. By the end of this heart-wrenching story, readers are forced to rethink right versus wrong and reshape practices that have become the soul of our Indian culture.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing India
• Release date: May 19, 2017
• ISBN: 9781482889987

Khyati Kohli

Khyati Kohli is a 20-year old girl pursuing Bachelors from University of Southern California. Having worked as the Chief Editor of Voice of Cambridge (A Student Publication) and Aaghaaz: A New Beginning (a society for women empowerment), Khyati has acquired considerable experience in the field of writing. An avid thinker, she writes to empower women to live liberally, untouched by the stigma that tags along.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

S heena loved her room. She loved the light mauve walls and the dark red brick stick-ons on the wall. Sheena also loved the way her room smelled so fresh every time she stepped in. But the thing she loved most about her room was the proof of love hanging on her wall— the creative, magnificent collage her friends had gifted her on her last birthday.

Her 18th birthday wasn’t too far, just around the corner; she could bet her life on the fact that her friends had already begun planning insane surprises for her. But all of that didn’t matter anymore— the surprises, her birthday or the room. The light mauve colour on her walls did little to cheer Sheena. The freshness of her room could not overpower the stark shock she felt in that moment. All of it was in vain. None of it was enough to make Sheena feel better in that very moment.

Or ever again.

Twenty minutes after ogling around and standing idly in her room, she decided to dig the hole further, to go in a deeper hiding. She walked to the washroom, through the dressing room, without pausing to look at herself in the mirror like she always did. She’d just broken one of her most deeply rooted habits with no conscious effort at all. After stepping into the washroom, she locked herself in. She wanted to cry so loud, shout even, but not a sound of sigh would leave her mouth. The silence was brutally reminding her of the storm that had just hit the shores of her heart. She turned on the shower in an effort to change the frequency around but that didn’t help. She knew she had only five minutes, if not less, to relish in her own company. People would be swarming soon enough and her door will nearly break down with the hammering of hands on it. So she decided to make it quick. She decided to utilize these five minutes as efficiently as she could. Time management was just one of the gazillion things she had learnt from her mother. Sheena was always amazed by Sofia’s super power to do everything at the speed of a rocket. Sheena wanted to learn that from her mother. She even made Sofia promise to design time-management lessons and challenges for Sheena. It was just one of the many things they had put in a box Sheena had made for her art class in grade ninth. They called the box MOME. They would put all sorts of things in the box, things that meant something and were exclusive to the both of them.

But now, MOME was not going to see another secret chit or to-do list. Sheena and Sofia won’t take their evening trips to the park or play harmonium on every religious holiday starting today. From now on, Sheena won’t have her mother to talk to when a girl bullies her in school or when a guy breaks her fragile heart. Sheena won’t have her mother to correct her every time she ate too quickly or spent too much time breaking the bed. From now on, Sheena won’t have a mother. Period.

CHAPTER TWO

A knock on the door perturbed Sheena’s train of thoughts. It was followed by three simultaneous ones and she knew it had begun. Worriers had sensed her absence from the place of mourning and made their way to the obvious hiding place. They were going to knock until Sheena opened the door and they made sure that Sofia’s daughter wasn’t going to make the same mistake Sofia had made only hours back. It was hard to say what was more prolific for these people— the shock of the loss or the loss itself.

Every single hand knocking on the door could sign a petition that declared Sofia to be the happiest person that ever lived, judging by the face value of course. The superficiality of the Indian society never seemed to get to her; she was always watering the seeds of her relationships with precious time and gentle care. Everybody in her immediate and extended family immensely admired Sofia for possessing a blend of updated fashion sense and traditional moral values.

Since she heard the news, Sheena’s grandmother, Tara, couldn’t stop thinking of the time Sofia had kicked the kalash and entered their house for the first time. Tara was so excited to finally have some female company in a house of men. The men would still continue to rule in the house but she would have someone to bear the tyranny with and that excited her the most. Sofia was the best possible company she could have hoped for to go through it all with. Sofia had done full justice to her expectations in a daughter-in-law.

Tara had been there for her daughter-in-law too. She had been there during all those little feuds between Sofia and her husband, Aadit. She’d always tell Sofia how it was okay to apologise even when she wasn’t at fault. Apologise for the greater good, dear, she’d often advice Sofia. She’d befriended her daughter-in-law and set an example in the society.

But the proof of her example had, quite literally, turned into ashes today. This news saddened her beyond repair.

Nevertheless, she had someone to look after. A daughter had just lost her mother and she had to be there for poor Sheena. She had to watch her scream or listen to her silence—whatever it took for Sheena to get through a misery like this. So, she politely asked everyone to stop banging the door and give her a chance to talk to Sheena alone.

From the other side of the door, Sheena could hear her grandmother being the warrior that she was, politely yet firmly requesting everyone to leave. That, finally brought a sigh out of Sheena’s mouth. Some relief.

Now, only her grandmom was waiting outside. So, she stepped out, hugged Tara and politely asked her to leave her on her own for a few more minutes. Tara accepted her request and told her she’ll be right outside in case she needed anything at all. But all Sheena really needed at the time was time. She needed time to do something that she had to do before she could grieve, before she could let out the oceans of sorrow exponentially growing inside of her.

Sheena needed time to think. Before conceding to the horrendous card fate had played, she had to do some thinking. She had to think of the reason. Because Sheena knew that she knew it. She couldn’t have not known the reason, they were so tightly knit together after all. Sofia often used to tell Sheena that they were more deeply connected than a mother and her child typically are because Sofia’s umbilical cord had never really cut off properly and Sheena’s navel stump was still as fresh as that of a newborn infant’s.

Sheena slowly touched her navel, hoping to feel closer to Sofia. That’s all she had left of her mother. That and a ton of memories and lessons. Each one of which she was going to use as a supply of oxygen for the rest of her life on a ventilator.

But she had the rest of her futile lifetime to take short trips down the memory lane. Right now, she had a crucial task at hand. She needed to feel closer to her mother in this very moment than ever before. So, she continued to gently rub her navel, hoping to find the answer she was looking for.

Nothing. She couldn’t think of one possible reason why her mother was unhappy. One possible reason why her mother would decide to take her life. Murder wasn’t a possibility because the pills she had taken were bought by Sofia herself from a nearby pharmacy. So what could it possibly be?

Suddenly, she began to doubt all those moments of intimacy, all those moments of unconditional love and trust. Were they even real? How could Sofia let her daughter in and yet leave her so far out of her world? How could she keep something so deeply buried in her that even Sheena wouldn’t know? The harder she thought, the more lost she felt. She’d never felt this helpless in her entire life— mostly because what she couldn’t figure out, she had her mom to do that for her. But not anymore. Everything in her life was going to shift from the usual way, the way she’d grown so used to, and she was only just beginning to realise that.

But before the somber feelings could get the best of her and let the vaults in her eyes open, she made herself a promise. She will not mourn her mother’s demise till the day she finds out the reason— the reason why Sofia decided to end her beautiful life, the reason why Sofia didn’t once think about how Sheena will go on without her, the reason why a selfless woman like Sofia acted so selfishly in her last few breaths, the reason why Sofia chose herself over her beloved daughter.

CHAPTER THREE

A s she stepped out of her room, a lot of concerned faces made their way towards Sheena to make sure she was okay. One of them was her best friend’s. Saumya had shared a piece of Sheena’s grossest hell and yummiest paradise. No way she was going to leave her alone on the day she needed her the most. So she stepped up and took charge of the situation. She knew exactly what Sheena needed right now. And the people around didn’t make it top of the list.

Aunty! If you don’t mind, there’s somewhere Sheena needs to be right now. Can I take her with me? asked Saumya, knowing fully well that she wasn’t going to get her out of there without a whole lot of investigative questioning and tremendous display of concern.

"Beta, what are you talking about? It’s best if Sheena stays in at least for a few weeks, snorted one of Sheena’s aunt. But aunty, she has her SAT exam today and I know Sofia Aunty wouldn’t want her to miss it for the world." Saumya hated to drag Sofia into her little stunt but she knew the only thing that was going to help her get Sheena out of the rut was a little exploitation of the situation. That and the mention of the word