Mothers and Sons: A Psychotherapist’S Perspective on Mothers Raising Sons to Be Successful Men

By Keith S. Quildon Ph.D.

This book represents a chronicle of some of the authors experiences as a psychologist in private practice in Brooklyn, New York, for the past 25 years. During that period, a large percentage of his patients were dyads of mothers and sons.
This undertaking is a tribute to the tremendous role played by mothers (many of them single) in the psychological and overall development of their sons. The message of this book is geared primarily to mothers, fathers, teachers, counselors, and fellow therapists who may identify with some of the situations and opinions reported, and can draw from them some worthwhile ideas and intervention strategies.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 29, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469187686

Keith S. Quildon Ph.D.

Dr. Keith S. Quildon was born in Trinidad, West Indies. He migrated to the United States in 1965. He has been married for the past 45 years and is the father of three children. He has been a school teacher for several years both in Trinidad and in the United States. Dr. Quildon received his Ph.D in Psychology from Fordham University in New York City in 1984. He has worked as a psychologist in several mental health clinics, as well as the New York City Board of Education. He has conducted a private practice in Child/ Adolescent / Family psychotherapy in Brooklyn, New York since 1987.

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Copyright © 2012 by Keith S. Quildon, Ph.D.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2012905253

ISBN:   Hardcover                                      978-1-4691-8767-9

             Softcover                                         978-1-4691-8766-2

             Ebook                                              978-1-4691-8768-6

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DEDICATION AND APPRECIATION

This book is dedicated to my wife, Eunice, who read the first draft of this manuscript in its entirety, and approvingly stated that she liked it; and to my children: Steven, Michael and Sophia, who gave their support and encouragement to my writing.

To several mentors, colleagues and friends who read individual chapters and gave me valuable feedback, I offer my appreciation and thanks for their support. I also offer my appreciation, thanks and respect to my patients: both children and parents who believed in me and provided me with invaluable and memorable experiences throughout my years of practice.

Contents

Chapter 1 Introduction / Acknowledgements

Chapter 2 Absentee Fathers

Chapter 3 The Nature Of Referrals

Stated Reasons For Referral

Referral Problem Categories

Boys With Symptoms Of Adhd

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Teachers Of Children Who

Exhibit Symptoms Of Adhd

Learning Disorders

Oppositional Defiant Disorders

Conduct Disorders

Anxiety, Depressive, And Other Disorders

Chapter 4 Mothers Vs Fathers : The Blame Game

What Mothers Say

Rejection Of The Father

Working Through Conflicts

With Their Own Father

Working Through Conflicts With

The Husband’s Personality

Denial Of Male Distrust

Over-Identification With The Male Child

Transference Unto The Male Therapist

Removing The Burden From The

Stepfather Or Boyfriend

What Fathers Say

Chapter 5 Historical And Psychological Perspectives

Historical Roots Of The Family Divide

Some Sociological Factors That Impact On

Personality Development And Relationships

Some Psychological Factors That

Impact On Family Functioning

Chapter 6 Reciprocal Wants Of Parents Vs Children

What Mothers Say That They Want For Their Sons

Mothers’ Goals For Their Sons

What Sons Say That They Want

From Their Mothers

What Sons Say That They Want

From Their Fathers

What Do Fathers Want From Their Sons?

Chapter 7 Young Adults And Preventative Methods : Breaking The Cycle

Young Mothers

Young Fathers

Preparing For Marriage

Preparing For A Family

Raising A Healthy Child: Impressions

Of A Theoretical Formula

Role Models For Boys

Responsibilities For Boys

Chapter 8 It Takes A Village

It Takes A Village

The Role Of The School And Other

Community Institutions

The Value Of Community Recreational Centers

Chapter 9 The School And Conditions Of Learning

Some Considerations For Effective Learning

General Classroom Considerations

Classroom Aids And Devices

Special Education And Conditions For Learning

Conditions Of Learning In The

Social Environment

Chapter 10 Therapeutic Approaches In Private Practice

Therapeutic Approaches In Private Practice

Chapter 11 The Therapeutic Process And Intervention Strategies

The Therapeutic Process And

Intervention Strategies

A General Psychosocial Developmental Format

Intervention Strategies And Experiences

Ages 4 – 5

Ages 6 – 7

Ages 8 – 10

Ages 11 – 13

Ages 14 – 16

Ages 17 – 19

Ages 20 – 22

Chapter 12 Positive Outcomes

Chapter 13 Some Concluding Do’s And Don’ts For Potential Success In Raising Children (Especially Boys)

Epilogue

Appendix A Behavioral Contract ; Behavior Modification Forms ; Time Management Forms

Appendix B Activity Sheets ; Issues For Discussion

Appendix C Developing An After-School Program In An Inner-City Community For Youngsters Aged 8-12 With Mild Learning And/Or Emotional Difficulties

References

Suggested Readings

CHAPTER 1

Introduction / Acknowledgements

I BEGAN MY PRACTICE in January 1987. While I considered private practice the raison d’etre for my doctorate in Psychology, I still experienced some trepidations as to whether I would be successful at this endeavor.

I had considered becoming an adjunct professor at any community or four year college in the metropolitan area. After sending out several resumes and letters of application, I received courteous, yet no commitment responses. I remember a mentor of mine saying: Forget those resumes. Those jobs are obtained via whom you know, and I did not have such contacts. So Academia seemed out. Writing and going on the lecture circuit were not attractive to me at the time. I wanted direct contact with patients, the clinical practitioner that I am. And so by this careful process of elimination, I knew that I had to start my private practice.

My clinical mentors at the time included two supervising psychiatrists with whom I had worked during my community mental health treatment experiences in the seventies and early eighties, as well as Dr. Harold Freeman Jr., who helped inspire me to write this book. After completing my doctoral coursework at Fordham University, and two more years of dissertation seminars, I had the good fortune of meeting Dr. Clem London, professor of Education at Fordham who introduced me to Dr. Harold Freeman, then director of the Interdependent Learning Model of Fordham University’s Follow Through program. Dr. Freeman introduced me to a gold mine of information on Head Start and Follow Through from which my doctoral dissertation evolved. A close friend, advisor, and mentor of 26+years, I owe some of my achievements to him, as well as to Dr. Rosa Hagin, my principal mentor and advisor for my doctoral dissertation at Fordham University. I always considered Rosa my guardian angel on that campus, as I journeyed through that difficult and sometimes formidable process. My indomitable gratitude to Rosa, Clem, and Harold.

Nevertheless, it was one of those collegial psychiatrists to whom I referred earlier, who finally pushed me over the threshold of starting my practice. I remember him saying: Get a private telephone. Print some business cards and obtain some professional space, whether at home or by rental, and distribute those cards. Obtaining a private telephone, and printing some business cards – No problem! Obtaining professional space – Challenge! I had no desire to see private patients in my basement or living room, although I did see a few patients in my living room before I acquired private space.

I overcame my third challenge of obtaining professional space when I was introduced to a young and popular physician, Dr. Pete Williams, who conducted a medical practice in Brooklyn, New York. Pete welcomed me to his practice, and graciously agreed that I could rent his office on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he was not in office. What a guy!

My first dyad of mothers and sons was two pre-adolescent students who were underachieving academically and needed psycho-educational remediation and counseling. While the father of one of these boys was involved in the therapeutic process, the mothers were the main informants and collaterals. It was during these few experiences that I realized what it meant to be a role model for these young men and their families in a private relationship. I had been a teacher for several years and had adopted the role model experience before. But, it was very different in a private relationship for immediate monetary compensation. What I represented to these young men and their families was that of a successful black male. I could see it in their faces. I could see it in their eyes, in their smiles. I could not let these people down.

In November 2008, the United States of America elected its first African-American president. And for me, it was a moment of awe, sometimes disbelief, but yes, it happened. Yes, it was possible. Therefore I could empathize with these young clients, as they envisioned what it was like to achieve previously believed to be unattainable goals. I hoped that in their young minds they were saying: One day I would like to be like Dr. Quildon, or better.

I therefore began to accept my practice as a sort of vocation in life, in which I could not only give back to my community, but more importantly, be a part of the lives and upbringing of these young men and women. This challenge was awesome for me. It would have made my mother proud! During the course of this book, I will interchangeably refer to my referrals as my patients, my students, my clients, or my kids, etc.

As stated before, it was phenomenal that most of my referrals were boys. It is not uncommon in clinical practice to believe that male patients relate better to male therapists. What is also profound in this relationship, is the role of substitute father, big brother, role model or male identification figure that these youngsters appear to need. I recall a visit to a preschool program on November 9, 2008, one day after the November 8, 2008 election of the first African-American president of the United States. As I walked into the classroom of 4 - 5 year olds, a young and vocal African–American boy shouted: There’s Obama! Of course, I was deeply touched by this reference. However, what it meant to me was that of a young black male hollering out to the positive black male image.

This association was not exclusive to African-American children. On two separate occasions, several years apart, while visiting similar preschool programs in January of the school year, two Caucasian children asked this visiting African-American male clad in suit and tie if I were Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.? Obviously in the weeks leading up to Dr. King’s birthday, class discussions were held on the life of this great man. As the children entertained the imagery of this American icon, it was not surprising that they would be impressed or taken back by the sudden appearance of a professional looking black male adult in their classroom.

In my role as a black male psychologist, I have accepted this calling, this image and expectation, and I have strived desperately not to fall short. Oftentimes, in the struggle, I have wished for the presence and support of the fathers of my clients. Whenever I could, I called for or tried to include fathers in the therapeutic process. Whenever they came voluntarily, or heeded the call, it was wonderful. I felt emboldened to make this process work, and often it did work with a cooperative family approach. But all too often, success had to depend upon mother, teachers, principals, grandparents or other available collaterals. But the main participants were primarily the mother, the child and the therapist.

Personally, I consider my own mother the champion of my educational success. With an absent father, she along with my aunt (her sister) were the ‘mainstays’ of my educational development. Thank God for Mothers! In no way, am I demeaning the role of fathers; instead, I am saying: Step up, Dad. Do not abandon your role, no matter what exists between you and your child’s mother.

I am also going to hold mothers sometimes partially accountable for the absence of the partnership role of the father. In