I Scream Soup: A Bowl of Melted Moments

By Lu Nuñez

I Scream Soup

Dedication

To my village of pain pals and to those who are lucky not to fall under this title. To those who knowingly and unknowingly caused the light to flow from deep inside my screaming soul. To you who helped to drive the words that spilled onto the blank sheets beneath my pen. And to those who are my faithful friends until the end.

To life for its thorns, winds, sunshine, and storms. And to God for the strength that helped me endure. And last but not least, to my nieces and nephews and my brothers and sisters. To my mother who taught me strength and resourcefulness. And to my father whos no longer with us but left me the gift of music, poetry, and most importantly, the trait for feeling passionate love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 8, 2009
• ISBN: 9781469119885

Lu Nuñez

I Scream Soup Biography My name is Guadalupe Nuñez, but my friends and family call me “Lupe” or “Lu.” I was born in Las Villas, Cuba, on the same month that Fidel Castro invaded the island. I graduated from Florida International University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology. Have you ever desired to run faster than humanly possible, to jump over mountains and roll like a barrel down the side of a hill, ending up on a carpet of emerald green in a deep valley below? I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis on October of 2000 and soon after learned that I could no longer run. Walking also became very tiring and cumbersome, and I learned that the best way to ease a lot of my pent-up anger and fears was to write them down. I’m able to ease my desire to run through my writing. In particular, my prose and poems are the medium that effortlessly carry my feelings.

Book preview

Copyright © 2009 by Lu Nuñez.

Library of Congress Control Number:               2009902996

ISBN:                           Hardcover                      978-1-4415-1902-3

ISBN:                           Softcover                        978-1-4415-1901-6

ISBN:                           Ebook                             978-1-4691-1988-5

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Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Section I

Section II

Section III

Dedication

To my village of pain pals and to those who are lucky not to fall under this title. To those who knowingly and unknowingly caused the light to flow from deep inside my screaming soul. To you who helped to drive the words that spilled onto the blank sheets beneath my pen. And to those who are my faithful friends until the end.

To life for its thorns, winds, sunshine, and storms. And to God for the strength that helped me endure. And last but not least, to my nieces and nephews and my brothers and sisters. To my mother who taught me strength and resourcefulness. And to my father who’s no longer with us but left me the gift of music, poetry, and most importantly, the trait for feeling passionate love.

Introduction

I’ve been putting my feelings and thoughts down on paper since I was a teenager, and I never really thought that I’d be writing a book or anything close to it. But after going through a few tough times, I realized that the more I experienced, the more I was writing. Mostly I’ve written short thoughts and poems. When my mind has been troubled or even while I’ve experienced extreme happiness, the words would start to form a story of sorts. Sometimes it was a short little poem, and oftentimes the words seemed to be fighting each other to find the nearest exit out of my mind and onto paper. It is almost as if there is a fire in my mind and the letters and words are running for their lives.

When MS imposed itself on me, I found myself writing a lot more. I guess the anger and the fear were the catalyst that pushed the thoughts out that are now in this book. It has been extremely difficult to expose my feelings and thoughts to others. Now you will not only know my strengths, but also some of my weaknesses. I’m by far not a well-known or famous person. I’m just your average everyday person who has had to deal with a lot in life. As I’m sure many others have. It’s taken me a while to finish this book, mainly because the thought of anyone being interested in what I have to say has slowed me down on many occasions. Now I say, so what if someone doesn’t choose to read this. This is for me and those who are brave enough to read about my many interesting and thought-provoking moments. I guess I’m just an ordinary (and those who know me won’t call me ordinary) person with a story to tell. And maybe you can relate to some of the things that I have to say. These are very real moments from the perspective of a very real person just like you. If this ordinary person is making it, so can you.

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in October of 2000, and I immediately set out to find any and all the information that was available regarding this disease. This news was a very shocking mystery and at least I needed to be informed. Although there are a variety of books on multiple sclerosis, and I bought a few, I wasn’t able to get through one of them completely. While they were informative and helped in understanding what this disease was capable of doing to my body, at times, it made for very bloodcurdling reading for a newly diagnosed person. Most of the material contained a lot of medical jargon and information. You may ask yourself, How else should information about a chronic disease sound? What I can say is that after reading all the material that my doctor provided and searching on the Internet for information, remedies, and natural cures, I knew that I needed to stop picking at the scab and allow myself to heal. I battled through those initial stages of my grief with the help of close friends, family, and my faith in God. Every person who is affected by this or any debilitating disease or condition will go through their loss in different ways and at their own speed. I hope that what I have written while going through this storm does not frighten, but allows those who are searching for some form of comfort to realize that they are not alone and that it also happens to others. We are all in this together. Whether it’s multiple sclerosis or any other loss or condition, I hope that you are able to see that it can be dealt with and that in many ways your life will continue to be productive and enjoyable if you allow it.

First, let’s clarify what multiple sclerosis is: It is a chronic neurological disease of the central nervous system in which the body’s own immune system attacks the spinal cord, the optic nerves, and the brain. Most patients experience weakness in their extremities and, at times, difficulty with coordination and balance. The person may experience impaired walking or standing and, at worst, some form of paralysis. The age, sex, or the time of disease onset is different in all those affected, and it’s not what this book is about. (I have included some resources at the end of chapter 7.) MS can happen to individuals of different ages, at different times in their lives, and in a relapsing/remitting or progressive form. If it’s happened, it’s something that needs to be dealt with and that’s all there is to it. Let’s leave the where, why, and how to the doctors, researchers, psychologists, and, most importantly, God. We will survive if we just stay focused on making it through today.

What are the most common stages of grief/loss and recovery?

1. Denial—Refusing to accept the loss.

2. Anger—Resentment toward what has happened to you.

3. Bargaining—Making deals with anyone including God.

4. Grief—Depression along with crying, withdrawal from others, etc.

5. Resolution—Acceptance, the final stage where you begin to put your life back together.

Okay that’s it. I purposely gave a brief explanation about the symptoms of multiple sclerosis and I gave you a list describing the stages of grief/loss and recovery, but the rest is intended to help you realize that you are not losing your mind and that you will make it. And also that at times I too get angry and cry. I also curse and revisit the famous stages in different orders depending on what’s on my self-pity agenda on this particular day. Most importantly, I have found that focusing on laughter makes not only my mind but also my entire body feel healthier.

As I said, I know that there are many helpful and touching books written about multiple sclerosis and the individuals that have been affected by it, but I want to try and give the person who picks up this book some additional words of encouragement that will allow them to relate and see that they are not alone. That there are good times and bad, but we can make it. It has helped me to write my feelings down in this introduction and also in the following chapters. You will find a collection of genuinely passionate poems that I’ve written. These were written for the most part during the moments when I didn’t have another escape and especially at the times when I couldn’t physically run away. I ran and continue to run through my writing. I’m far from wealthy or famous; I’m just an everyday nine-to-five-working sitcom-watching individual like you.

And I find writing to be a very helpful tool in my continuing recovery and survival. I hope that what I’ve written helps at least one other person to know that if I am making it, so can you. I continue to write along my many paths of loss and recovery. Not only regarding my MS, but loss in general. Life will continue to throw good and bad times my way, but I will continue to fight with whatever it takes to survive. I know that some things won’t make sense to some, but I hope that at least one section or poem will touch your heart and your life in a special way. I hope that you are able to smile after you have allowed the tears to cleanse your soul.

Chapter 1

Melting Point

At once I’m strewn inside a bowl of ivory white.

Vanilla… chocolate… strawberry swim in delight . . . blend together… what a sight. Neapolitan they say it’s cold and smooth it sweetly curls onto my spoon.

I try to swallow… I clench my teeth.

I struggle and toss the spoon into the sink.

The dish sits alone in instant horror.

I’ll take a nap until tomorrow.

A painful blur of senses caught in chilled embrace of endless hours

of anxious thoughts of days and nights in journey’s flight.

Pastel colors in concave shape that holds the taste and comfort in disguise. They blend in cries of throbbing sweet and aching blows.

Can’t eat… can’t think . . . I want to know.

Is this the end or is it known that tender hearts of hurting gusts contain the truth of peaceful times. At last the finest of creamy flavors in hollow nest melts in pink, white and brown. Liquids flow from my bowl into the sink in tears of creamy sweet, forgotten waste.

The air is saturated with the aroma of disinfectant and cleaning products that make hospitals have a uniquely sterile and eerie smell. The hallways are lit with piercing and intrusive fluorescent lights. My soul aches. It’s as if I’m being led to my death by the green and white floor tiles that have been waxed so brightly. I’m encapsulated by the resounding noise of stretchers and wheelchairs hurriedly being rushed down the hallways. The muffled words of those who pass by me echo against my mind’s murky thoughts and worries. I’m in a kaleidoscope of sound and color. A blur of lab coats, hospital gowns, and potted plants seem to crash into me at every corner.

My chest is compressed and I can’t breathe, or at least it feels this way. As I approach the doctor’s office, I take a deep breath, turn the doorknob, and enter a small waiting room. There are two women sitting and reading who look up as I walk in but quickly bury their faces in their magazines. I say good morning, wanting to see if it is indeed a good morning by anyone else’s view. Nervously, I tap on the glass of a small window to my left. A young lady opens the window and asks me to sign in and have a seat.

I sit down, but I want to run out and not look back. I know I can’t leave because the appointment had been scheduled two months in advance and that it’s very difficult to see this very busy specialist, so I just sit and wait, picking up magazine after magazine but not actually reading anything. I continue flipping through pages as if I were a speed reader. It has only been fifteen minutes, but it feels like an eternity. My hands are sweating, my feet are cold, and my heart is racing. I don’t want to have this doctor confirm what the last two told me. It has to be a huge mistake or misdiagnosis. What exactly is multiple sclerosis, and why would it be happening to me? What will happen, am I going to end up in a wheelchair, will I die? Those are only a few among the hundreds of questions that are running through my mind. In between my questions, I beg God to make it all go away. I don’t want to face this; I don’t want to hear the truth. It has to be a mistake. My mind wanders. I try and find something else