A Mother's Patience

By Sharon Lee Hobbs

Sarah was a bubbly little girl growing up. Loving her family unconditionally. Never did she dream that conditions were constantly put on that love.

The child she had at a tender age always seemed to be put out of her reach. Never understanding why. It seemed she fought all the time and failed. For several years this consumed Sarahs very being until one night she gave up. It almost took her life.

How would she be able to go on? It was a venture and a definite learning experience. Her answer was love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 19, 2007
• ISBN: 9781469112282

Sharon Lee Hobbs

I enjoy meeting and talking with people from all walks of life. Over the years the various positions I have held have given me the opportunity to further develop my interpersonal skills. While some of the relationships were brief encounters, others resulted in memorable interactions with some truly special individuals. Raised in Baltimore, I now live in Glen Burnie, MD with my husband Paul, and our pets Max and Maccie. We have 6 children and 15 grandchildren. When not enjoying time with my family, I spend my time reading and writing. Writing, my life’s dream means following my heart.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

Snow had been falling since morning. It wasn’t a blizzard. Mother Nature had fashioned a beautiful fine snow that glistened in the moonlight. Perfect for Christmas! Home now from Christmas Eve services they sat at the window watching the snow fall softly to the ground. They hoped the roads would remain passable for tomorrow, at least long enough for everyone to be home. Nathan and Sarah’s family together for Christmas. What a magnificent day it would be!

Playing in the snow, children young and old alike had been in and out all day. With six children between them and five grandchildren Nathan and Sarah couldn’t be happier. Not only were wet clothes and boots scattered all over the place but ribbons, bows, and presents were too. Who cared? After all, it was Christmas!

Ah, those little voices. Sarah could still hear them yelling. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to you all! It’s Christmas! It finally came! Loving each one of those precious treasures Sarah was mystified at their expressions of joy, happiness and excitement all rolled into one. Her little treasures were a gift from God. What a special gift that was. Thankful though they all weren’t talking, yet. The younger ones reminded her so much of her children. They grow up so fast. Secretly she wanted more grandchildren. Being a grandmother among other things was by far her very best achievement.

Tara was eight, Tommy was five, Matthew was eighteen months, Patrick was eleven months and Felicia was seven months. It was truly amazing how the younger ones hung out together. Tara and Tommy took control because they were older and really tried to look out for all of them. Matthew would try to help Patrick walk while Patrick was trying to help Felicia stand at the table. A circus it could be at times. Always hugging, kissing and falling all over each other.

All together, in one house, for a couple of hours, could be nerve rattling. Just imagine, all day snow and all! What a breathtaking feeling! There were times when Sarah wished it would never end, especially the joy and laughter. If only their children could learn from the grandchildren. Adults now, each had gone through their own hell. Nathan and Sarah were glad the ill feeling’s had subsided between them.

Sitting on the couch at the end of the day Nathan and Sarah remembered some of their old days. Their beginning sometimes seemed like yesterday. Other times, it seemed a lifetime ago. In any event it was love and a need that helped them survive through it all.

It sure was rough for awhile wasn’t it? Nathan asked Sarah.

Yea, but you know what? When they’re here all together it makes each day worth a million. Even all those hard ones. Sarah smiled as she answered. Looking at the Christmas present that Justin and Jolene had given her tears filled her eyes. This time they were tears of joy.

You ok Sarah?

Nathan loved Sarah unconditionally. He knew that she had come along way. Sarah over the years had accomplished a great deal. Fear clutched at Nathan’s heart. How would she be able to go through it again? It took so long to get to this point in her life. It could be a disaster if it happened again. Although Sarah told Nathan it was finally complete in her mind and heart, he knew it wasn’t quite finished.

I’m fine. Do you remember that day Nathan, Justin and Jolene’s wedding? I never thought I would ever get to this point, and be content that I am finally Justin’s mother in every sense of the word. Sarah said clutching the gift that Justin gave her.

Nathan smiled kissing her lightly. Yes honey, I remember that day very well.

I remember like it was yesterday. Sarah’s voice became a whisper as she drifted back. I remember.

It was an exceptionally long night. Sleep seemed so far in the distance. It was the beginning of October and a very warm night. Orange, magenta and a spectacular shade of purple began to brighten the sky. Sunrise. Beginning a new day. Beautiful, Sarah thought as she watched out the bedroom window. The day was to be warm and sunny. Indian Summer. Plans were complete, nothing forgotten for the event of the day. Regrettably Sarah’s memories were not forgotten either.

Sarah had tossed and turned most of the night. Coming back to haunt her were all those aged feelings. It felt almost like an electric shock surging through her body. Overwhelmed by torment and guilt. After all this time why did it keep coming back again and again? Would she ever be able to let it go? Why today? This was to be a special day. One she would cherish forever. Her oldest child was getting married today. Without disturbing Nathan she quietly got out of bed then went downstairs.

While Sarah made some coffee thoughts of her husband came to mind. Nathan Michael’s was an extraordinary man. They had shared so much together. Mind, body and soul, they had become one. Together they had overcome so much and had come so far. Knowing she couldn’t turn back the hands of time Nathan seemed to have a way of helping her go on from here. They were not wealthy by any means yet they had so much more than some people have in a lifetime. Love. For that she would be eternally thankful.

Nathan and Sarah had both been married before. Both had been hurt deeply in the process one way or another. One tragedy and a miracle they met. Each helping the other, they turned their lives around for the better. Most people didn’t like it, especially the children who were involved. With time, love and understanding they were now grown with children of their own.

Nathan felt his first wife deceived him from the start. Admitting to Sarah he thought he could love her, realizing too late that he couldn’t. It was deception from the beginning. Thinking there was a baby on the way Nathan married her. Consequently pregnancy came immediately.

Nathan wanted out of the marriage. Feeling betrayed he went and talked with his grandmother. What a wonderful and wise lady she was. After their talk Nathan promised to try and work it out for the child. Then children. In his own way Nathan tried for years to make things work even with his drinking. Within three years there were three children and their mother didn’t make it easy.

In Nathan’s opinion the whole thing was his fault. Back then he just wasn’t able to figure it all out. Even though he was reminded of it all the time. Nathan drank way too much. They would argue all the time. Yes, there was abuse too. Making matters worse she would always argue when he was drunk. Not wanting to hear what she had to say or caring about what was being said, Nathan sometimes hit her.

When drinking Nathan could be very abusive. He thought that was the only problem he had to overcome. Drinking way before meeting his ex-wife the problems in the marriage seemed to fester and he turned to the bottle even more. There was no turning back. Nathan felt he lost all self-respect. Finally she left him. Taking everything. Putting it simply, all he had left was his clothes and his bottle. It wasn’t until years later after Sarah, that he was able to admit that his drinking and abuse were the reasons she left with the children. Nathan also realized there was never any love either.

Sarah’s marriage lasted about thirteen months. They were too immature for that responsibility. Sarah became pregnant and felt it was the appropriate thing to do. During the process Sarah lost everything that mattered to her most. Like Nathan she had lost her self-respect. Suicide came to mind several times. Once came a time when she finally got the nerve to do it. Then there was Nathan. Amazingly this was to be a new beginning for them both.

Without realizing it Nathan and Sarah were strong enough to give each other the support they needed. There were several setbacks during the beginning of their relationship. Together they shared their past, talked about what it had done to them and how differently each problem was dealt with. It seemed everything always turned out the same. Their families never seemed to understand or so it seemed. After some time Nathan and Sarah came to appreciate that compassion and understanding for one’s feelings was a vital element in their relationship. Love was certain to follow. Nathan and Sarah decided to get married in June of 1972. They were married in a little Methodist church in Ellicott City with only Nathan, Sarah and the minister. After the ceremony they went to dinner then went to their apartment.

Sarah furnished the apartment through Thrift Shops and Yard Sales. Making her own curtains and pillows so everything would match. She really enjoyed making special crafts and sewing to brighten their new home. Nathan told her to decorate the apartment how she wanted. He knew Sarah would make it perfect for them both. Sarah on the other hand wanted him involved valuing his opinion. They finished most of it together.

Nathan worked in construction for a while. Then he found a job at a paper mill. Working seven days a week didn’t leave much time for them. The time they had together was a blessing and they made the best of it. Family and friends thought they wouldn’t make it. Nathan and Sarah knew they would.

Their first Christmas was approaching. Sarah had been so tired lately that she just chalked it up to being extremely busy with the holidays. Nathan was very special and she wanted their first Christmas together to be one he would remember. A few days before Christmas Sarah knew the gift for him would be one he would cherish.

Christmas Eve had finally arrived. Needing to be at church for services, they decided to leave early wanting to look at Christmas lights first. Sarah felt like she would burst with excitement when they got to the church. It was a candle light service. Even Nathan commented how beautiful it was. The true meaning of Christmas was especially important to them. Without the Lord in their lives and their faith they never would have made it this far.

During the drive home Nathan asked if they could give each other one gift. After all it was Christmas Eve. Sarah not being able to contain herself much longer thought it was a fabulous idea.

Although it hadn’t been wrapped Sarah cried when Nathan handed her the gift. It was a small delicate box. Inside, was a beautiful gold ring clustered with delicate diamonds. Nathan put it on her finger to wear with her tiny gold wedding band.

Sarah’s tears were still falling as she watched Nathan look in the closet for his gift. Telling him there was no box to wrap he seemed puzzled. Affectionately, Sarah told Nathan she was pregnant. Putting his face in his hands all he could do was cry. It was the most precious gift he could receive. This special gift was from God. Hugging, crying and laughing, the night was about over. Talking and planning, knowing it could be difficult for the others Nathan and Sarah assured each other it would be fine.

Time passed quickly. In August Brent was born. Nathan was so proud. He made a promise to his newborn son that no matter what the circumstances he would be there for him. Wanting desperately to be the real father he should have been years before.

Sarah felt the sun rose and set in her beautiful baby boy. Bound and determined to be a good mother she also made a solemn vow. No one would ever take this child away from her. Not ever.

Brent was such a good baby. He was a very content baby. As he grew Brent learned very quickly. Show him something one time and he could do it from then on. What a joy he was to Nathan and Sarah. He was their little man.

One would have had to see the excitement to believe it when Brent learned he was going to be a big brother. He just seemed to beam. Not knowing his older brothers and sister all that well yet. Sarah thought it would have been better at this point.

Sarah still remembered the day Brent laid his head on her stomach. Looked up at her, he smiled. Mommy did you know I was getting a baby sister? Asked very seriously.

Well, no honey. We won’t really know until the baby is born. Sarah told him.

Oh no Mommy. The baby told me she’s my sister! Brent told Sarah. No one could convince him otherwise either. He was three when Allison was born.

Allison was so very different than her brother. Not at all a good baby. Never wanted to sleep, especially at night. Sarah didn’t know what a full night sleep was any more. It seemed as though the only time she was really content was when Brent was around her. He was an exceptional big brother and a big help to Sarah. As Allison got older things started going somewhat smoother. She always followed Brent around especially if she was in the walker. Sometimes he would push her around telling them she was a racecar driver. All through the house they would go, Allison squealing in delight. What ever she wanted Brent would try and give it to her. If Allison got scolded for something Brent would take up for her. Boy she really had him wrapped around her little finger!

As the years went by their personalities changed and so did their feelings for one another. On more than one occasion Nathan and Sarah thought Brent would kill Allison. Sometimes she would just look at him the wrong way and he could go off. Then again after looking at it from all angles, Allison could very well be the instigator.

By this time Nathan’s children were coming around more. Nathan, Jr., Wesley and Margaret. There was always something going on. Someone always seemed to be doing something to someone for what ever reason. You could definitely tell they were brothers and sisters. Margaret however always stayed close to Allison. Sarah was extremely happy about that. Wanting them to be very close sisters.

Then there was Justin. The hardest part was going to explain everything to them. A brother some of them did not even know. Would they understand? Would this take things back to square one, just when the kids were trusting Sarah? She could only hope and pray that understanding would come.

How different they all were now. For some insane reason Brent felt the world owed him something and Allison had to have her way or she would pout all the time. Nathan Jr. had a mind of his own. Being the oldest of the three he felt he was the boss. Wesley just never seemed to want anyone to close to him. He was happiest being by himself. Margaret was very shy. Even if something were wrong she wouldn’t tell you.

Sarah knew she spoiled Brent and Allison in different ways. Loving the older children very much Sarah wanted her own place in their lives. Never would she try to take their mother’s place. Wanting them to know that she loved them unconditionally and would do anything in the world for them. One day they would realize it.

Smelling the coffee brewing brought her back to reality for a moment. Looking through some pictures, she found a picture of him when he was a baby. Justin. Her heart was heavy. Wondering how after what seemed like an eternity it started falling into place. Pouring her first cup of coffee Sarah went back to the pictures and her memories.

Justin was twenty-five. He was a remarkable young man. Today was his day. Justin was getting married to his high school sweetheart. Jolene Hillard. They had been dating now for about seven years. A wonderful young lady and Justin loved her with his very being. Sarah adored Jolene and felt they were perfect for each other. Remembering how ecstatic she was when Justin and Jolene told her they were getting married.

Recalling all that was lost where Justin was concerned, Sarah’s mind wandered back. Never once did she stop loving him or missing him. For a very long time there was a barren space in her heart. That space was filled now, although sometimes it just didn’t feel quite right. Maybe it never would.

Why now were those questions emerging again? They had tormented her for what felt like forever. Would she ever get any true answers? Shaking her head she already knew. Would she ever really be free of feeling responsible for Justin’s hurt and confusion? How could Daddy have gone along with it? Did he even know the truth? If so he couldn’t tell her now. Would he have told her if he could? Mom should have told the truth before . . . .

Haunting Sarah for years how would she handle sorting it all out?

CHAPTER 2

Sarah picked up each picture and looked at it lovingly. There were several of her mother and father with her when she was a little girl. There were some of her grandparents and her sisters. Knowing there were more pictures of Emma and knowing why really hurt. Emma was with Sarah more than Justin. Being honest Sarah knew that Emma filled a void in her life for quite awhile. Honestly one could say Emma could have been Sarah’s daughter more than Justin was her son. Loving Emma very much never took away the love she had for Justin. Emma was only twelve when their mother passed away. So was Justin. Time passed quickly but not without hurt. Why?

Sarah remembered how wonderful her life was when she was a little girl. Way back then, she was the apple of her mother’s eye. Trying to remember when all the troubles started, Sarah remembered when her uncle was killed. Her mother was devastated and started drinking everyday. Then her father began drinking. It seemed like it was a never-ending battle. On again, off again never getting better. It was always worse than before. Hiding it in their own way, thinking they were fooling everyone. Some they did. No matter what anyone said to them made no significant difference. Heart wrenching was putting it mildly. To see her mother passed out on the sofa at 11:00 in the morning was often more than Sarah could tolerate. Distressing, when her father would lose a job because of drinking. What a tangled mess their lives turned out to be.

There were many wonderful things that stood out in the memory of her parents. Sarah remembered her parents opening their home to children who were less fortunate. Children in need of love. It took a very special person to do something like that. It also took a remarkable amount of understanding, compassion and love. At one time they had it all.

Often the responsibility fell on Sarah and Page although it shouldn’t have. They always did what they were told regardless how much they hated watching the younger children all the time. Sarah felt like it was her responsibility to help her mother. No one knew what it was really like. Anna and Gregory could really put on a good performance when they had to. At that time Sarah wondered if the love was still there.

What happened to that love? Sarah thought out loud to herself. It just couldn’t go away on its own.

Before the younger children there was one specific event that distinctly stood out in Sarah’s memory among all the rest. Running through the front door of their house after school and being very excited. It was a very special day for her. Remembering like it was yesterday . . .

Mommy. Mommy where are you? Sarah squealed racing through the kitchen.

I’ll be right down sweetie.

Anna Taylor was a wonderful woman. Not a glamorous movie star or any one famous except to Sarah. Believing her mother was the most terrific mother on the face of the earth. They did everything together. Always having time for Sarah no matter what. Sarah loved her mother.

Anna met Gregory Taylor in 1946. Anna was very shy and naive. Gregory was a very gentle man who loved Anna very much. They married March 12, 1949. Sarah was born in December 1951. Anna and Gregory were very happy for such a long time. Sarah seemed to be their very existence.

Guess what, guess what! I get to put the ribbon around the May Pole this time! Sarah was so enthusiastic. About everything!

Eight years old now. In some ways she seemed grown up but yet still a baby. It was remarkable how she had grown to be such a sweet compassionate little girl. Loving everyone and everything. Sarah loved the idea of being one of the six children chosen for the biggest event of the school year. Although there would be rides, games and food being chosen for this made her very happy.

Oh sweetie that’s wonderful. Anna told her as she gave her a big hug. We’ll see if Daddy will be able to take the day off, too.

Sarah watched and waited very patiently for her father to come home. Beaming with delight as her mother told him all about the big day. Sarah practically melted in his arms when he expressed how proud he was.

Daddy I hope you go too. They are going to have my favorite. Lemon’s with peppermint sticks. Yum, yum! You could almost see them melting in her mouth.

I’m sure we can work it out honey. Anything for my big girl. Gregory told her. After dinner you, Mommy and I will go the park and get a snowball. How’s that sound?

That sounds good Daddy, let’s hurry up and eat. Sarah was practically dragging him to the kitchen.

Gregory and Anna didn’t want to take away from Sarah’s excitement. Nevertheless they had to tell her now. It was only a few more weeks and everything would be final. Knowing it would be an adjustment for Sarah they felt now was the best time. Letting her play for a while they talked while sitting on a park bench. Worried as to what her response would be. They both agreed they needed to tell her now.

Sarah ran over to where her parents were sitting to get another bite of her snowball.

Gregory put her on his lap and gave her a hug. Honey you know Mommy and I love you very much. Nothing will ever change that.

Sarah looked up at him from her cup. Snowball dripping from her chin she said. Silly Daddy, I know that already.

Was she going to understand? They had no idea. Sarah, do remember that little baby we saw at the doctor’s the other day?

She looked at her mother then her father. I remember. He was really cute.

Do you remember what you told me? Anna felt like she might be pushing.

Sarah was really puzzled now. They could see it in her expression. I told you I would like to have a baby like that to play with. Why? Taking another sip of her snowball she waited.

Well we are going to have our very own baby to love. Isn’t that wonderful! Anna tried to make it sound so exciting that Sarah wouldn’t be able to refuse.

Sarah’s eyes filled with tears. But then I won’t be your baby anymore.

Oh no honey that’s not true. You will always be our baby. Nothing could change that. Anna and Gregory were both hugging and kissing her.

They knew the time for Sarah to get used to the idea probably wouldn’t be long enough. The procedure was handle faster than expected. The adoption would be final in just a few short weeks. Gregory and Anna wanted Sarah to be happy about this. Anna had several miscarriages and the doctors felt she would never carry another baby to term. They needed and wanted another child.

Mommy, do you and Daddy really want another baby?

Sarah, Mommy and I want another baby. We would like for you to have a baby sister. Honey we all have so much love to give and there are so many babies who need someone to love them. Couldn’t we give her a better life? Gregory held Sarah close to him trying to reassure her at the same time.

Will I be able to help with my new little sister? Sarah asked.

Anna took over then. Sarah you can help anytime you want. Actually I am going to need your help. We love you Sarah. Don’t you ever forget that.

Sarah watched her mother and father looking at each other. Wondering what they were thinking while they wondered what she was thinking. Finding out made them laugh.

Good it’s settled. I’ll take two of them! Sarah was laughing so hard now.

Gregory laughed so hard he could barely speak. Sarah let’s take one step at a time. Please! They laughed all the way home.

Finally it was May Day. All of the children were excited. They did a wonderful job of skipping around the May Pole. Each child carried a different colored ribbon. When finished it didn’t look bad at all. Sarah knew exactly what she wanted to do, remembering the Ferris wheel on the back of a truck.

I really, really want to! Please, please Daddy! Sarah pleaded. I’m supposed to be a big girl now. Please!

Before Sarah knew it she was going around and around. Waving to Gregory every time it went around. Smiling but not wanting him to know she was scared. Suddenly! BANG!! Black smoke poured from the engine. A clanking noise, the motor screeching and the ride came to an abrupt stop! Sarah scared to death, was stuck on top.

The owner of the truck tried to get it working again. Everyone was running toward the ride. Sarah could see her father. It looked as if he was yelling at the man. Her little hands were white and they hurt from her holding on so tight. She started to cry. Just then a jerk, the ride was moving again. When Sarah reached the bottom, Gregory was right there to get her.

Oh Daddy I thought I was going to die! She could be very melodramatic at times.

Gregory looked into his daughter’s eyes. Sarah I love you. I will always be there to help you, no matter what. I won’t let you get hurt.

I know. Whimpered Sarah. I bet I’ll never go on that stupid ride again!

As Sarah sipped her coffee she remembered why she didn’t like carnival rides. Remembering too her father’s words to her that day. Those words haunted her often during difficult times. Now again she wondered how true they really were.

Stop it! Today of all days why are you letting the past get to you so much? Sarah was talking to herself. With so much to do she was determined to try and pull herself together. As Sarah started to pour another cup of coffee the telephone rang. Before she could say hello she heard Justin’s voice.

Mom. I knew you would up. For some reason I tossed and turned most of the night. Have you made any coffee yet?

Smiling through her tears. Are you kidding? I was getting ready to have my second cup. Do you want to come over and join me? I’d love to have your company.

Justin told Sarah he would be there in a few minutes. How would they handle the morning? Sarah started to feel panic all through her body. Hearing his car pull into the driveway she took a deep breath. Pouring his coffee she took another deep breath. Meeting him at the door she smiled at her son. Just the way you like it sir. Sarah kissed him on the cheek.

Thanks Mom. Setting his mug down Justin hugged his mother. You will have to show Jolene how you make your coffee.

I love you very much Justin. I sincerely hope you know that. Sarah had tears in her eyes.

Justin smiled. Yea Mom. I know you do. I love you too.

Noticing all the pictures on the table Justin knew there was a problem. He somehow always knew. They sat quietly for a while thumbing through the pictures. Every now and then their eyes would meet and they would exchange a smile. Each knew without a word being said what had been ripped away from them and how intense it was sometimes.

To break the silence Justin laughed. Mom we sure do come from a crazy family. Don’t we?

Sarah laughed then. Yea honey, I guess we do at that.

They talked some about how the family had seemed to drift apart over the years. Neither of them could understand. A family that had been so close, how could it happen? Did they not recognize it was happening? Maybe they did and just didn’t care enough to stop it. At least at the time that’s the way it appeared. Everyone seemed to have his or her own lives, too busy for anyone else. Maybe we all were all guilty of that. Anna and Gregory came into the conversation and how they drank all the time. Alcohol seemed like the only thing that made them happy. After Anna passed away everything seemed to get worse.

Mom why couldn’t you sleep? Justin searched her eyes as he did several times before. She had been deeply hurt and he was aware that it was still very fresh in her mind. Oh Sarah tried to hide it but Justin could see it in her eyes. Exactly the way they looked the first time they had to talk about it.

Just excited and nervous I guess. This is a very special day. Sarah spoke quietly again.

Justin smiled at his mother though he saw the hurt in her eyes. No one could possibly begin to understand how it really felt. He knew it was a terrible feeling of emptiness for along time, especially for Sarah. That bothered him.

Well Mom I better get going. I have some more things to do. I’ll see you at the church around one thirty. Don’t be late! Justin hurried out the door fearing that his mother would see what he was feeling.

I wouldn’t miss it for anything in this world. Sarah watched as he pulled out of the driveway thinking how fortunate she was to have Justin.

Looking at some more pictures Sarah realized how funny some of them were. There were a few of her and her sisters dressed in some of their mother’s dresses and shoes. They were laughing and they looked so ridiculously happy. How in the world could they have all drifted so far apart?

Sarah had no idea Justin was in tears when he left. He knew why Sarah was so upset. It happened so much over the last few years. Wishing she could let it go and certainly not blaming her. How could he? Justin knew she was very young. Knowing also she had tried. Deceived. They both were. Justin had hoped together they would have been able to work it out. Justin loved