Stuff Keeps Happening

By Dennis Doph

This is not Percy Dovetonsilis.

This is Dennis Doph and this is the most roughedged seriously male SPLATTER thats been thrown on a printed page.

This is two volumes (far too much material for one) covering such diverse subjects as: the fetishism of Jesus, the career arc of John Gielgud, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, how I got a Bristish fag fired from Macys because he told me I should be shot at sunrise, George W. Bush and his boy and girlfriends as nauseam, one memorable enema, an alternate take on THE WIZARD OF OZ, and Jimmy Stewarts Dick.

Enjoy, recover, enjoy, recover, enjoy. Sort of like sex (rough sex) but with a book in your hand rather than the usual thing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 10, 2004
• ISBN: 9781465329356

Dennis Doph

Now retired, DENNIS DOPH was a twenty-year wordsmith with a major studio in Los Angeles. His previously published works include Instead of Solitaire, Stuff Happens, Psycho Boulevard, and Beyond Beyond. He currently lives in California.

Book preview

SISSY HAWN

On Eleven

Theres a girl whose accents never sound like Heaven

but the sound of her bellow

the tambor we fear

SISSY HAWN is the music we hear.

Stomp our way

And the sound of acid rock begins to bray

Advance to the Rear

SISSY HAWN makes her music quite clear.

About sixty and boy is she rich

Or thats just what she wants you to think

Shes Exec Sec to the Chair of the Board

So she is the poison we drink.

Thats just fine

and detractors would believe shes sixty-nine

and her twin brother Mafia Don

Is a ringer for svelte SISSY HAWN.

sissy shake your mini skirt

shake it till it makes us hurt

shake it sixtysomething flirt

cookin SISSY HAWN

Full of juice

Cuz her daddy Starrett Westerns did produce

Sissy may have been a piece for Jack Cohn

she was SISSY the day she was bawn.

So she segued to the Stooges & more

that is just what she wanted to do

Cant you see just how hopelessly she earned

Taming had none of this Shrew.

Sixty-odd

And the times were not impatient with this broad

Baby only her twin brother seemed queer

Iron Pumper whatever you hear.

sissy fill your water bed

she & Tampax once were wed

now sis H has Tampax shed

stringless SISSY HAWN

Hanukkah

Sis & Bro had gone to Nassau with the Shah

meanwhile in Manhattan things went askew

Alexandra went into a stew.

Company C went belly up awful fast

That is what they were structured to do

Just imagine how hopelessly Sis tossed

dividends did not accrue.

Came the dawn

Came the severance of sweet SISSY HAWN

But not the fondue, Sis had Management on the end

   of her skew.

sissy let the hot tub rip

Streisand never comes to strip

no one else is on your trip

cunning SISSY HAWN

sissy is a social pillar

shes no sissy buttonwillar

lookalike for sweet Ann Miller

HOTTIE SISSY HAWN.

PEGGY LEE CAME OVER THE HILL

The sullen spring of nineteen and seventy.

The day of the total solar eclipse. sec

retary LaLume & I stoned to the teeth

staked out a hill for ourselves in the Park,

checking out chickiebods body

   bods as we

Toked up Lumie’s highspeed hash

Stoneder & stoneder how Lumie

how the hell are we goin’ to get back

behind our desks behind the space

   where we have

To be to hold down a nine-to-fiver?

Just at that point, just at the exact

point when the eclipse had dulled

everything out to a shadowless grey,

   just at that point

Peggy Lee came over the hill.

Smooth-talkin’ hand-jivin’ Peggy Lee

came over the hill in pink all in pink

a huge pink moth an apparition

twirling in the grey shadowless afternoon

Lumie & I stoned so stoned hashish

taken its toll mouths dry eyes staring

cute bodybody writhing in the grass

a few feet away maybe it was LaLume’s bo

dacious tits got him yes maybe or may

be it was my Favorite Friend, guy who

   rides in my pants

Peggy Lee kept on coming over the hill.

not an apparition it was the

real Peggy Lee big girl blond girl

round pink tinted sunglasses

all she needed to shield her from

the total eclipse

Lumie & I stared at Peggy Lee. superstar

in our midst. She was there. She was real.

She had with her a clutch a veritable clutch

leatherclad damsels all damsels all in leather

glistening brownleather capes like

swirling hotpink cape of Miss Peggy Lee

   Peggy and her Valkyries

Peggy Lee articulated my hip life. My

aunt dyke aunt lay in bed with her

broken leg shorthanding lyrics pop

tunes on her stenopad right

there right then I learned "Why Dont

You Do Right" Why dont you do right

like some other men do . . . and it was

an anthem for the Forties men got to

get outta here get that chick some

money yeah get her some money since

she was a breadwinner now

shed been riveting those B47s while

Johnny slogged in the rain & the mud

in the Bulge in Bastogne in the islands

of the Pacific over the airwaves

came the sultry off key slightly off key

always off the beat voice of Miss Peggy

Lee ". . . don’t you do right like some

   other men do . . . ."

I knew a little bit about a lot of things

but I didnt know enough about hip

about the jive life cool hipsters

hung together why did they hang

together they were like more

than buddies they were the Cool Gang

knew about maryjane and that oh

ho ho oh so sophisticated attitude

knew how to fling that jive hey

right in the middle smack dab in the

middle Miss Peggy Lee white

girl from North Dakota so hip so cool

prancin with Benny G "had plenty money

back in twenty-two . . ." Yeah honey you

were so cool it was scary

And here she is world the real Miss Peggy

Lee and her six or is it eight Valkyries girls

what girls what outfits what cool and in

seventy Nineteen and seventy is it too late

to be cool no man it is never too late not

when the avatar of cool is Miss Peggy Lee

Miss Peggy Lee in Person

When we pubed oh boy did we pube

heres this skinny kid twelve thirteen years

old carrying around a stovepipe between his

legs stovepipe walks and talks like a

separate entity has its own voice rises up

when least expected better still when most

expected in the Disney movie its the voice

the words the music of Miss Peggy Lee "he’s

a Tramp but I love him . . . I think I’m gonna

travel his way . . ." Can we be hip as this

in a Disney movie? We can if we’re Miss

   Peggy Lee

And out here now in the open clean

clear spicy drugladen air nineteen and

seventy clearly voluptuous way volup

tuous Miss Peggy makes a circle in the

grass for herself and her leatherettes they

sit slowly tilt their tinted round eye

glasses up at the sun Miss Peggy

go (snap, snap) "never know how much

I love you . . . never know how much I care . . ."

Never know how much I want you . . .

Yes Miss Peggy you gave us all a fever

that’s so hard to bear taught us how

tough stepmother-beaten chick from Fargo

could go it alone make tracks to the

big city sell the graduation watch Dad gave

you for thirty bucks land in Chicago with

eighteen bucks in your pocket six months

later six awesome months later covering

for Helen Forrest fronta the Goodman band

took a lotta balls Peg lotta North Dakota

balls later when Disney Corp tried to

cheat you out of your royalties took them

to the cleaners too yeah Peg you proved to

us Disney was not all sweetness and light

greedy buggers you took them

to the courts to the cleaners hooray for

   our gal Peg

Later still on the stage of the Westwood Play

house much later Miss Peg exhausted by life

lies down on the stage cant stand she

can lie there she can crawl she can still

sing a fever that’s so hard to bear . . .

still Miss Peggy Lee white girl

sings hip & black white girl found

the groove blondy pink Scandinavian

girl Dolores Egerstrom created a tempest

called Peggy Lee Miss Peggy Lee defined

hip cool sophisticated

song in popular music sixty years now

Anita O’Day only one left only one

from the golden years spinning

down the brain drain of mindless rappers

vanilla lyrics

And there on the hill the hill in Central

Park Miss Lee stared at us my secretary

& me we stared back. Miss Lee rose slowly

she and her valkyries rose slowly adjusted

their glasses kept on going over the hill.

MAINE WOODS

In the sultry valley of the Penobscot

theres a mindless little potato town called Patten

hairy Quebecois and disenfranchised micks

   got it on there

creating a hirsute frequently alocholic race

timber barons and potato grubbers

Out of the sultry valley of the Penobscot

Mag Swann followed the spoor of her cousin Henry

tall hairy handsome Henry Willingham

followed him all the way to Cathcart Washington

so she could inbreed a new generation

of timber barons and potato grubbers.

Sad to say she failed miserably

owing to the incestuous nature of her alliance

all the boys but one came out beautiful

drooling at the mouth like Mongoloid idiots

girls pretty crazy too

oldest one Natalie beautiful as the dawn

crazy Nat got herself a little baby

by her tied-down Kraut closet husband

got herself a little redhaired baby

called the little fucker Dennis

Years years years later

Nat brought her handsome redhead to the