Instead of Solitaire: 100 Poems in the Danger Zone

By Dennis Doph

INSTEAD OF SOLITAIRE is the end result of a life spent exhausting the possibilities of being big, male, smart and beautiful. Following is a Q&A with DENNIS DOPH the poet who made it happen.

What is the reason for "Instead of Solitaire"?
TO MAKE YOU OLD POETRY DOGS SIT UP ON YOUR HAUNCHES AND BARK.

Why are Americans expected to mellow out when they past fifty?
BECAUSE IT IS TRADITION. BUT THEN WE ARE NOT ALL MARRIED TO LAURA BUSH.

Why are you determined to rattle everybodys cage?
WHY ARE YOU DETERMINED TO LIVE IN ONE?

What should the casual reader expect from "Instead of Solitaire?"
THE CASUAL READER SHOULD JUST WHEEL HIS LAME BUTT DOWN THE ROAD AND NEVER CRACK IT. INSTEAD OF SOLITAIRE IS NOT ABOUT CASUAL.

You have been called a Professional Gay Man. Is that true?
PROFESSIONAL TOP. NEXT QUESTION.

Is there a reason for "Instead of Solitaire"?
IS THERE A REASON FOR VIAGRA?

Come fly DENNIS DOPH if you want a long,wild, frequently rough ride.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 5, 2003
• ISBN: 9781465329332

Dennis Doph

Now retired, DENNIS DOPH was a twenty-year wordsmith with a major studio in Los Angeles. His previously published works include Instead of Solitaire, Stuff Happens, Psycho Boulevard, and Beyond Beyond. He currently lives in California.

Book preview

1. ABE WAS A BABE

Stand fast Pat Robertson dont let

those tears give you away

Heres a bomb to shatter your aplomb

Abe Lincoln was gay

Larry Kramer says so

if Larry says it it must be true

Why was Mary Todd such a crazy broad

why did Mary Todd become such a shrew?

Hang your head down Dan Quayle

Barbara Quayle as well

For boys in the know Honest Abe was

no beau he was a belle

Larry Kramer saw the writing

it wasnt written on the wall

Abe Lincoln had a ball with John Steed

if he had a ball at all

Stand up straight Ken Starr

thrust out that pouter pigeon chest

What Abe did in public he did well

what he did in private he did best

Heres a toast to Larry Kramer

and his travelling steamer trunk

And millions of words he wrote

for the birds

Abe was a hunk

Just like Tom Dooley hairy chested

Republicans hang down your heads

and cry

Abe could be a Hero if he wanted

but he forgot to be a Real Guy

Now we know (thank you, Larry Kramer)

this aint no bait-and-switch

Cause big Abe old Abe very well hung

Abe was a kisser a hugger a snuggler

not a boozer or a brawler

Your Abe is a bust Our Abe is a babe

This Abe is a bitch

2. OLD

As if

you didnt have to buy stretch pucker

pants accomodate more & more

as if you dont still pine for a 28" when

youre now a 34"

as if magic potions from France didnt

turn your face to a rash

as if you still didnt get off to the Stones

instead of the Clash

as if you didnt get gas from a short

quaff of coca carbonica

as if you didnt quietly envy Clinton

just being able to shoot his wad

on Monica

as if you werent plagued by serum

dermatitis

as if your vision wasnt so fucked

you can no longer play at darts

as if you hadnt vanquished ingrown

toenails

herpes simplex and anal warts

as if little bitches who think it all

started at Stonewall

didnt give you a pain in the ass

as if you didnt want to spike W Bush’s

cocktail with a swift shot of ground glass

as if you dont still think youre damn good

when once you were absolutely the best

as if you didnt get an instant boner

every time you see Alec Baldwins chest

as if you couldnt make the last vanishing trick

say a qualified yes as opposed to a

mystified maybe

as if you werent still very male very queer

very horny and

as if you didnt have a right to be proud of it

and goddam it you really are arent you

...baby?

3. CASTAWAY

Without meaning to he crosses left leg

over right you cant see abrasions from

... ? man like Gottfried anything possible

brows very straight very fine you say

to yourself

Hes not bad till you spot years worth

scroff skin temple to temple takes off

shoes smell it not just bad feet

bad life stories about waiting on Lauren

Bacall New

Orleans good interview manager French

Quarter history recent ancient laying

tile now says some rich bitch Palisades

hasnt paid him work slave needs little

something extra

You know that little something Hes a

whore street whore thats what it boils

down to baby out of the goodness of your

ever accessible heart youve befriended another

scuzzy street

Whore twenty bucks here twenty

bucks there whether or not you ever

have sex which you wont scroff eye

brows obvious contagions every region

fahgedduboutit

No physical congress with this

momser hope you can weasel out of

any further contact minimum effort

maximum luck remember that other

castaway coffee

Colored halfdutch boy from St Maarten

came into your house mid december

took your favorite bulkyknit sweater

had no coat happy to give it happy to

get him out

Of there you always are

4. OBSESSION

Instead of learning who you are what you

like instead of listening being alert needs

of the other the other being you he calls

and calls he calls out of his own need

reflect his own

Predispositions calls out of loneliness

man alone at fortyseven without strength

culture anything pertaining to adulthood

calls out of his own protracted juvenalia

Little cold

He calls little bored he calls little old

he calls calls calls little horny calls seven

times little angry calls ten calls night

empty without someone sharing space

in the bed

Calls youth that was doesnt reflect

middleaged wreck that is dialling finger

punch tool punches out a number

no answer not likely to be one

punching dialling

Finger finds no answer in this world

always outside meanwhile the one

called hides penumbra of missed chances

rejected new partners deeper deeper

inside self induced

Halflife past mores stale old thrills

evasion escape still still one outside

calls calls gets clicks pops beeps great

answering service in the sky ATT

speeds him

On his way Punch the pound key

Pound key sends him another un

answering din old recorded messages

impersonal cyberchat what passes

for conversation

In the world of obsession

5. PEEPHOLE

Bring themselves into the room see

& be seen bring baggage into the

room picked over tasted

retasted chewed over some old

rag old rags

Themselves old dykes prewashed

bargain outlet chinos Levis over

age fags still managing squeeze

into faded alligator brand polo

shirts carried

Over from 70s when they fit All

of us rearranging memories convenient

pattern be sampled indifferent young

cute membership so called cutting

edge gay

Lesbian service organization Young

& cute stay away in droves oldsters

defined by fact of age pull meager

audience intimate circle immediate

friends The Revue

Will be forgotten

score of oldsters pull out their wares

upteenth time hone them polish cut

to the quick Coots on parade

singing a torch

Song to our memories scandals for sale

peeking backward through peephole

of long unsatisfied lives

6. TIME, TIME

Into sometime never not be

polite as lovers lose you blind

to the fate you never not see

kin is never kissed but kind

Kin is something never become

become the thing you run away from

here is the heart with a hateful hum

you the stray cat your manners stray from

After something never not stay

never stay longer than yesterdays ashes

than a cigarette at the front of the day

tomorrow becomes when late night crashes

Into someone never not be

aware of grace all your comedies show

show to us the he and the me

and into nowhere never not go

7. THE BARTENDER WHO LOVED ME

That place there again about mom

entary urge drives me there time

& again sample man population

let them sample me thats what

the place

Is about Don gets his bucks worth

out of his boys there not too hunky

like boys at Spike or Cuffs hunky

enough to titillate customers like

to come

Back for more including bartenders

Nick operates the little speak window

Private club after all bar as well

two in the afternoon till eight

last night

Hit like the visigoths one of

old bartenders one who quit

likes to sample man pop

ulation much more than tending

bar had me

Like he likes me No nonsense Later

at eight Nick due to lay off bar

passed by me pulled me over to him

put wet hand inside my shirt gave

me a big

Wet sloppy one Save some for me

sometime he said Save some for me

That was lots more than quick &

dirty I got from Lew in the back room

yeah Nick

Wont save it Ill give it gladly

8. DYKE DOLLS

Little cat died determined not to replace

her shopping Silverlake non

sense trivia emporium bought collection