Stuff Happens

By Dennis Doph

This is not Percy Dovetonsilis.

This is Dennis Doph and this is the most roughedged seriously male SPLATTER thats been thrown on a printed page.

This is two volumes (far too much material for one) covering such diverse subjects as: the fetishism of Jesus, the career arc of John Gielgud, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, how I got a Bristish fag fired from Macys because he told me I should be shot at sunrise, George W. Bush and his boy and girlfriends as nauseam, one memorable enema, an alternate take on THE WIZARD OF OZ, and Jimmy Stewarts Dick.

Enjoy, recover, enjoy, recover, enjoy. Sort of like sex (rough sex) but with a book in your hand rather than the usual thing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 11, 2004
• ISBN: 9781465329349

Dennis Doph

Now retired, DENNIS DOPH was a twenty-year wordsmith with a major studio in Los Angeles. His previously published works include Instead of Solitaire, Stuff Happens, Psycho Boulevard, and Beyond Beyond. He currently lives in California.

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Copyright © 2004 by DENNIS DOPH.

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Contents

Preface

INSTEAD OF PATIENCE

VANISHING POINT

THREE JESUSES

A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

ENRON! ENRON!

STUFF HAPPENS

KISS ME & SAY YOU’LL UNDERSTAND

PROUD TO BE AMERICAN

MAX ATTAX

WON’T YOU BE MY TEITELBAUM?

JOHNNY G

TWO SPERM

MIRANDA RIGHTS

RHINO HORN

DID YOU EVER SEE A STEAM WALKING? (i did)

THE CHRISTMAS I GAVE TO HER

CHOLO TIME

CLARE ST CLARE

FIFTEEN DENIER

CLYDE NEUENSCHWANDER

SYLVIA MARLENE

WHEN BILLY AND SAMMY MET WELLA AND WALIDA

MARY ANN LAMB

MY DADDY JUST CARES FOR ME

FOLLOW THE CHIEF

ANDIE MARTT & BIG RED

BINOMI NAXX

MOCAMBO: MOM & I

(PALINDROME)2002

Tales of Infant Sexuality Part One THE RHINERS: BLESS THEIR COTTON PICKIN LITTLE HEARTS

KATHLYN & CURT Infant Sexuality 2

MOTHER’S ENEMA Infant Sexuality #3

THE ABOMINATIONS

FEATHERS

A COUGH AND A SLAP

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

VAN

FAUX MARILYN

ALPHA TAU OH MEGA

WANDA JANISSARY

THE SPELL OF ITS CALL

HOLD DOWN THE HOME FRONT

WHEN HE SAW WHAT I HAD TO OFFER

HOW HAIRY IS MY LANDLORD

INDIAN

OVERTAKEN BY CHRIST

MEERKAT

DEAR GOD SAVE US FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN YOU*

DOROTHY LEFT KANSAS

LAFF IT UP

WRECKING CREW

JIMMY STEWART’S DICK

AS A WIFE HAS A HUSBAND A WIFE HAS AN UNCLE: A PLAY

TRAJECTORY

Preface

Many of the poems in this volume were initially published on the internet in volumes entited Instead of Patience and Beyond the Forest. I realized after a semi savvy analysis of my available audience that fully half of the poems in both of those volumes contained supermale sexual material that would, frankly, fry the hackles on your Aunt Fanny.

Not that I am any kind of suckup to dear Aunt Fanny, but the other half of the semi savvy analysis tells me that the audience for these mostly satirical and very political poems now encompassed in this volume, Stuff Happens, would not exactly be entranced by my endless discursions on my libido and my plumbing.

Those of you who are into the kind of very male heat I consciously throw off will not be disappointed in the contents of this volume, which I wholeheartedly encourage you to pursue. If uninhibited rocks-off poetry is your meat I suggest the companion volume aka Wagenblatz is the one to look for.

INSTEAD OF PATIENCE

We have had Instead of Solitaire.

Solitaire is the game you play

when you’re at odds, when you’re

at a loss, when you’re alone.

   Solitaire is

The game you play when you’re

desperate. This is Instead of

Patience. Patience is the game

you play when you’re empowered.

   Patience is

The cards you hold when your

cards are the winning cards, the

trump cards. Patience is a game

for survivors. Solitaire is a game

   you play

When you’re content to shrink

away and drift into the mouse hole

of regrets and bitter memories.

Patience is the game you play

   when you have

The Inside Straight that will sweep

the table.

Patience is the game you play when

you’re strong enough and you

can afford to wait till it’s your turn.

VANISHING POINT

They are out there. They are out

there professing love but what that

love entails is achieving the high

moral ground that elevates the common

   from the mud

Of the gutter, of creation itself.

Once they have achieved that high

moral ground anything is possible.

They can cry Jesus and mean it,

   mean Him,

Or their version of Him, which is

not about you. It is about them.

They are all busy pumping up the

dew point of their significance.

   their little hands

Are busy with the hot meat of

a solid pump job, flailing away at

those limp dicks, those invisible

clitorii, their darling brains cannot

   conceive of

An alternative reality where the brain

supersedes the busy hand. Their sig

nificance has risen to cloud cuckoo

land where what is visible is invisible.

   this is significance

Which is insignificant to the point

of invisibility. At this vanishing point,

your life is not your own. It is theirs.

If you allow it.

THREE JESUSES

Out in the Land of Nod there live three

Jesuses.

The Holy will tell you there is only One.

Don’t you believe it.

In this Land there are Three. One is

the Jesus of Olympia, the Jesus of

the Rainforest. This Jesus lives in

the hearts and minds of the simple,

   who refuse

To make judgments or put the price

of faith on love. These are the worshippers

of the Jesus of Olympia. The faithful

fall on their knees and when they see

   the aberrant the intolerant

The Antichrist posturing in his high heels

his Manolo Blahniks the followers of Jesus

of Olympia will go, Well, See? but they

will not proclaim Anathema. They are

   the gentle ones.

Two is Jesus of Yakima. He is the God of

their fathers, the God of Mammon. He is

the One who is worshipped by those whose

lives were empowered by the tax rebate for

   the Very Rich,

And only the Very Rich who worship Jesus

of Yakima can perceive how High and Mighty

they really are. George W and his Frau kiss

the hem of the garment of Jesus of Yakima.

   Aunt Goody

Sits in her rocker rocking holding the Bible

upside down pretending to be Granny Good

when she is really Granny Bad bringing the

whip of Jesus of Yakima down on the backs

   of those who

Transgress. Jesus of Yakima manifests

himself at Congressional Committees and

gets in the face of liberal senators when

they refuse to believe that prisoners held

   without counsel

And without trial are beyond the benison

of this Highly Moral Jesus. They are dust

at the feet of Jesus of Yakima. All of Yakima

   is dust at His feet.

Jesus Three is the Mexican gardener who

works for my landlady. This Jesus is act

ually named Jesus he comes from Colima.

He is a very white Mexican Jesus tall thin

   with a hairy

Chest and blue eyes. Jesus of course is

married Catholic with a little Maria

out there in Alhambra five or six little

subMarias and subJesuses. Things are

   pretty thin

For this Jesus. On holidays Jesus Three

walks from backdoor to backdoor of the

extremely expensive West Hollywood rabbit

hutches our landlady leases at outrageous

sums. Jesus shows himself to the faggots

   who live in

The rabbit hutches. They come out onto

their patios with Christmas money for Jesus

one after another Jesus Three sinks to his

knees worships at the crotches of the

   faggots of West

Hollywood. takes it and swallows it.

brings the money home to Maria. Jesus

and Maria have Christmas. Thus has it

ever been. Thus it ever shall be.

A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Christmas. Christmas. Doesn’t that just

ring your chimes? Ding. Dong. Ding.

We don’t get our kicks from bygone times.

We get our kicks from the New York Times.

Ding. Dong. "Spat over Russia in NATO,

Rumsfeld Loses Out to Powell." But not

for long. Ding Dong. Rummy doesn’t

lose. Not when he’s holding the strings.

   Ding. A Ling.

"Pearl Harbor survivors at graves of

comrades in Honolulu". Ding. A Ling.

Yes. real war real bodies. Real

blood. feeling the surge yet?

   Dubya was there

Dubya saw the movie he knew it

was true. saw the movie in church.

Ding. Dong. Barbara told him Japs

were the Enemy. They were Evil.

   Later on,

When he was a little boy Bush in West

Texas, Russians were the Evil Enemy.

Rummy remembers this. That’s why Uncle Tom

Powell couldn’t refer to Russia in the same

   breath as

NATO. Held up the conference for twelve

hours over this little sticking point. Poor

Powell. What’s an african american gentle

man of taste doing in this Rat Pack?

   The Witch is

Dead. Ding. Dong. Have your self

a merry little Texmas. "Pakistan Ended

Aid to Taliban only Hesitantly" Yes,

Colin and Condi, soldiers of America

   and of the

Commercial Christmas Christ, pos

itioned warlords of Pakistan right

on the Christmas Button so’s Our Boys

could infiltrate that Bad Place while

   Al Qaeda

Warriors being funded in Pakistan,

raised in Pakistan, coddled in Pakistan,

fucked and sucked in Pakistan. had

free passage across the border. Americans

   had to go

North to Uzbekistan to get in. pass

out of Quetta too busy passing Tali

ban Al Qaeda to be bothered with

Americans. So much for the Alliance.

   Ding. A Ling.